Why don't we pass down sexual wisdom to our kids?

Its because its like, eww.

Brave Sir Robin said:

I certainly know a lot more about what I'm doing than I did when I was a teenager. But everything I learned, I got through movies/books/internet, and trial and error. Why didn't my dad sit me down and offer some oral sex advice? Why didn't I do the same for my boys? It seems that every generation is destined to lean about sex all on their own. Years and years of experience wasted.

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It's embarrassment, I suspect. My mother told me and my sister about menstruation a day before we got 'the talk' in school, I presume so that it wouldn't shock us into asking questions. I'm betting if it weren't for that nudge, she wouldn't have said anything until it actually happened.

It's a combination of not wanting to think of their 'babies' as sexual beings, and not wanting their 'babies' to think of their parents that way. (And, by extension, other people).There's a continuum between 'my children are too young for that sort of information', through 'that sort of information might put ideas in their heads' to 'they might know more than I do, and offer me helpful advice'.

Brave Sir Robin said:

Imagine if every generation had to learn from scratch all the basic skills of life. No parental advice/wisdom on relationships, money management, raising children, health concerns.

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It's not like all parents do a great job at those things either.
My mother on relationships: "Don't be a mattress for any man!" "If you have an abusive man, wait until he's asleep, then beat him with something heavy!"
As for money management, I learned by example: noticed how my parents handled their money, and resolved to do things differently. Very differently.
It's common enough that people with bad parenting skills are merely doing what was done unto them.

It seems that every generation is destined to lean about sex all on their own. Years and years of experience wasted.

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While I see your point, it seems to me you are conflating abstract learning with practical. Even if good 'ol Dad sat you down and told you all about how to please your girlfriend, it would be abstract until you actually tried it--and even then, that talk probably isn't going to make you an expert. Practice, and listening to your partner, will. Watching your parents demonstrate fine technique <gag> won't matter until you try it yourself. The analogies to any learned skill should be obvious (including writing).

While maybe we aren't at that stage, I'm continually heartened that progress marches on (though I'm sure not everywhere evenly). I've been able to have talks with my kids that would make my grandparents roll over in their graves with shame. Not that it isn't awkward, but you fake it 'til you make it. Much better than my father's complete guide to male sexuality, which consisted of the single query, "Do you have any questions?"

My thought? Because sex is so incredibly individual to the people involved. It's not something like deciding whether to cash a CD or borrow money where there's an obvious, mathematically correct choice. (Or even like baking a cake, where there are lots of options, but this one works, and it always results in a cake.) We (hopefully) teach kids the peripheral skills--communication, openness, honesty, trustworthiness--so they can figure out (or be told) what their future partners want, but... really, your dad can't teach you how I want to be touched.

Because there's no objective standard for good technique in sex anyway. It's all about individual, and often highly idiosyncratic preferences and I really don't see any reason whatsoever why my hypothetical kids would need to know mine.

Honestly, I shudder at the thought of the kid who got the kind of sex talk you seem to imagine, thinks they know how it's supposed to be done, and that they can now skip the trial and error part. No one can skip the trial and error part, ever. Have a sense of humour about it, have some patience, and pay attention to each other. The only person who can teach you how to please your partner is your partner. Everything that distracts you from that simple fact is more obstacle than help.

Of course that relies on your partner actually knowing what would please them. Which is not always the case, and that's the greater problem. Rather than sharing technical pointers based on baseless guesses as to what someone else might like in bed, it would be way more useful to foster a climate where people are less ashamed of exploring their own desires.

As a parent, I would do that by - not - shaming my kid when they're expressing their sexuality, and I would do that by never shaming anyone else who expresses their sexuality. * provided it all happens in a consensual manner of course. Now that's a topic that definitely needs to get more play when parents give the sex talk.

There's something to be said for awkward sexual fumbling. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a robust sex ed program for every young person, but that's basically safety training to help avoid possible pitfalls: STDs, pregnancy, potential issues of consent, questions about sexuality or health concerns for those young people who may fear there's something wrong with them, etc.

It reminds me of learning to surf as a kid. Step one is sitting through a lecture: This is how you actually catch a wave, be careful not to get whacked on the head by the board, if you get caught in a rip current, swim parallel to shore, etc.

Once the lecture was over, though, they handed us boards and turned us loose. Then it was just the sheer viceral enjoyment of being in the water, the wipeouts, the triump of the first time you actually stand up on the darn thing, the neverending fountain of energy as you go after the next wave, and the next, and the next. No lecture could prepare you for that.

I have two daughters and while I've been very open, thorough, and as comfortable as I could have ever hoped for in the sex discussions, it would be appalling to give the kids tips and demos on how to do it "better".

A) As has been noted, it wouldn't work. The sheer number of permutations of individual bodies + the preferences of the minds riding around in those bodies would make it a pointless exercise. B) There's a clear biological reason (and a societal tool of power structures) to keep parents and children delineated into separate sexual Venn bubbles. Hands-on demos and graphic descriptions of sexual acts would be treading all over a very useful separation.

Brave Sir Robin said:

... Why didn't my dad sit me down and offer some oral sex advice? Why didn't I do the same for my boys?

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Well. Why didn't you?

You're assuming that children are going to have the same sexual orientation as their parents, it seems.

Brave Sir Robin said:

It does sound appalling, but why do you think that is? Why should sex be any different than any other thing with which we try to help our kids?

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That was my second paragraph, especially item B -

Perks said:

A) As has been noted, it wouldn't work. The sheer number of permutations of individual bodies + the preferences of the minds riding around in those bodies would make it a pointless exercise. B) There's a clear biological reason (and a societal tool of power structures) to keep parents and children delineated into separate sexual Venn bubbles. Hands-on demos and graphic descriptions of sexual acts would be treading all over a very useful separation.

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Do you give your officemates or bowling buddies tips on oral sex? Would you give them advice on where to get great deals on concert tickets? What's the difference?

I think sex is like the guitar.

Learning it is at least as much fun as being good at it.

Bacchus said:

I think sex is like the guitar.

Learning it is at least as much fun as being good at it.

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Truly. Is there something sad about not being an expert at first boner? Probably not. Perhaps the process is better served with cautious humility out of the gate than porn-star efficiency.

As with musical virtuosos, I'm sure some people are quick studies, but there is value in thoughtfulness and diligence.

Brave Sir Robin said:

And don't some friends talk about their sex, share stories and such?

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Discussing one's sex life or one's favorite sexual techniques (or one's partner's favorite sexual techniques) with a peer is different that discussing it with a child. A peer can always walk away if they are uncomfortable with the conversation or find it inappropriately intimate. Underaged children do not always have that privilege.

Brave Sir Robin said:

I guess one difference could be that I'm not as invested in my bowling buddy having a good sex life as I may be my kid.

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Why is this something that concerns you? Once your kid is old enough for a sex life, his life is his own. From his shampoo to his breakfast cereal to his nightcap to his running shoes, his decisions and interests are his own and you can't possibly care with any healthy conviction about these things. Why would you care about if he's getting off well and satisfying his partners?

That is why you don't care about your buddy's sex life. It's no skin off your nose, if your nose isn't pressed to the glass.

Brave Sir Robin said:

B - Why? Why is the separation between parent and child "sexual Venn bubbles" necessary?

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You can't think of a reason? This is disturbing. Or you are trolling.

If you had daughters, would you be explaining graphically to them how to be what you consider good in bed?

My parents never mentioned the word "sex", although my mum spelled the letters S-E-X out to me once.

I remember once comparing human reproduction with that of salmon within my mother's hearing. She was shocked.

I wish it could have been different. But that's true of a lot of things in my life.

So you're wondering why it shouldn't be considered a parental blessing for you sit your age-appropriate (whatever that means) son down and describe for him how to give good oral sex.

Hmmm. What makes you think you're so good at it that you're qualified to be an instructor? Don't tell me - the ladies tell you that you are. Otherwise, how would you know? So maybe the ladies should be the ones to describe to him how to do. Maybe his mom? Or does that not seem on the same level.

Sexual development, discovery, and mastery is just about as singular to a person's knowledge of himself as it gets. There really aren't shortcuts. You've said that there are articles, and still that's not someone giving a lesson. It's you seeking out information.

This is a very weird conversation.

My parents taught me how to ride a bike by putting me on a bike.

I don't think you can do the same thing with sexual technique, exactly.

And, being asexual, it would have made me feel more alien and estranged from the human race if my parents had tried to do so, and it would have made me trust them less to have them invade my privacy in such a manner.

Even putting "taboo" aside, sex is not the same as riding a bike, in emotional involvement, mental engagement, potential consequences, or pretty much any other parameter.

So if we have adult children getting sex-technique advice from a parent who has the matching plumbing, all that kid will know is what that parent perceives as their own sexual prowess.

If we have adult children getting sex-technique advice from a parent who has the opposite plumbing, what we've got is a son or daughter who happens to know what gets their mom or dad off.

Not sure how this is actually helping anyone except as an appetite suppressant and great birth control.