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Thread: ♥*Eyes C Lips ♥

  1. #1
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin RobinRulesRoars's Avatar
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    ♥*Eyes C Lips ♥

    World and I met empty Flowers

    Justice & fairness Eisenhower's

    Our visionís get caught one personís sight

    What do we really see 2 faces eyes the night?

    Not a sound of nature speaking

    Like two hearts underworld sinking

    But things go ☯𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉💮𝓅 lips smile

    I need this to last more than awhile

    Bedroom eyes afternoon 𝑅𝒶𝒾𝓃𝒷💙𝓌
    lips ice cream

    Dream another dream itís in our nature

    Love is in the air hands to capture

    Eyes melt & he spoons serendipity

    Springtime lips flower show

    Uptown girl "Big City" glow

    Try hard to express heart-fully understands
    Welcoming lending hand

    Someone is beside you how he touched you

    You felt secure he helped you


    Addressing something of importance?

    Perseverance more maintenance

    Everything eyes resistance

    Birds sing dance tribal

    ___________________________

    Fresh diamond- cut global

    Hands of love miraculous donít give up

    Falling for him he carried you way up?

    Hearts falling down God have mercy

    The ballerina dance swift recovery

    Wings of heaven love discovery

    ________________________________

    Loverís vision Epcot entity,

    Beaming with purity

    Change of scenery difference.

    Liberty of freedom deliverance

    Re-birth visions of Love doves in flocks

    Home modern high sky tech he knocks

    On wood, you say I do Heís all mine

    Peacocks spiritual wedding waving tail

    Love Eyes coupled felt genuine real

    Completely divine eyes? lips all mine

  2. #2
    killin' werds AW Moderator zanzjan's Avatar
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    The spacing between every line makes this read more like a shopping list of unrelated, random bits than a coherent poem; you might find it far less disruptive to try to maintain at least a loose stanza form? Also the silly, unreadable fonts are a huge distraction that throws me right out of trying to piece together something out of this.

    I gather you're not posting this for crit, but I think you've got little building blocks of good things in this, but right now it's utterly lost in the awkwardness. You may want to try to restructure and clean it up a bit, take a bit more care with punctuation, and then when it's more coherent post it in the crit area for some more substantive feedback on the content/flow? There's potential here and it would be a missed opportunity to leave it as is.

    Thanks for sharing.
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  3. #3
    Stand in the Place Where You Live KTC's Avatar
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    The fonts are definitely off-putting. Other than that, I think you would benefit from reading out loud. This lacks any kind of poetic rhythm. There's no melody or cohesion.
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