Bad Joke Thread

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Ketzel

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Sorry -- I'm new and didn't read the whole thread. :(
Oh, not to worry! I just found it funny that a joke I learned in my first French class (many, many decades ago) could show up twice in such a random collection of groaners!

Here's another: A census taker was making his rounds and he knocked on a door and a woman opened it. He asked her if she had any children and, if so, what were their names and ages. The woman starts counting on her fingers - "There's Jenny and Penny, they're ten. There's Nick and Dick, they're eight. There's Molly and Polly, they're six. There's Karen and Sharon, they're four . . . "Hold on,' said the census taker, "You mean to tell me you got twins every time?" "Heck, no," said the woman, "There were hundreds of times we didn't get any!"
 
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Maryn

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I'm pretty sure you will be forgiven--especially if you come up with a replacement bad joke.

This one's a little long, but I think worth the time.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her name plate that the officer's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief. “How much do you want to borrow?”

“Thirty thousands dollars should do it.”

Ms. Whack starts filling out the loan paperwork. “Name?”

“Kermit Jagger. My dad’s Mick Jagger. Listen, you don’t need all those papers. I know the bank manager. Just get me the loan, okay?”

“This is a substantial amount of money. The bank will need collateral against the loan, just in case you can’t repay it. Do you have anything we can use as collateral?”

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 

porlock

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Isadore has lunch at a restaurant and orders soup. He calls the waiter back.

"Vator," he said. "Taste the zup."
"Why? Too cold? Fly swimming around?"
"Vator, taste the zup."
""Oh, you don't have a spoon."
"Ah-hah!"
 

Keithy

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What part of a room is the warmest? In the corner, they're usually about 90 degrees.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Why can’t skeletons play church music? Because they have no organs.
 

porlock

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A couple had identical twin boys and named them Jamal and Juan. Truly, when you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal.
 

Southpaw

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Why don't they play poker in the jungle?




----Too many cheetahs

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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?




----Ten-tickles

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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?




----It got stuck in a crack
 

Ketzel

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Famous Inventor to reporter: "I've invented a car that runs without any form of fuel. The only problem is you have to be absolutely silent while you drive it."
"Why?" asked the reporter. "That should be obvious," said the inventor, "It goes without saying."
 

Maryn

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Ooh, nice one!
 

Ketzel

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Thanks! Credit goes to Norton Juster - I think this joke (or at least the punchline) came from The Phantom Tollbooth.
 

porlock

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Boss walks into the office and walks by his secretary's desk.

Secretary: "Your garage door is open."

Boss sees his fly is open and goes back to the secretary.

"Alice, when my garage door was open did you see a long pink Cadillac?"

"No, but I saw a VW bug with balloon tires."
 

Keithy

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What do marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from?

The agony of defeat.
 

Justobuddies

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Two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them was assaulted.

I was having blood taken for an HIV test and the doctor told me to think positive.

Did you hear about the guy that invented lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.

Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted.

Why does Forest Gump keep getting his accounts hacked? His password is 1Forest1

My car quit running this morning, it needs retired.
 

Justobuddies

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This one got dropped on me yesterday and made me groan, so I immediately decide it needs to go here.

What do you get when you mix alcoholism and literature?






Tequila Mocking Bird
 

Maryn

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I think there needs to be a delicious deadly-strong drink with that name. I'd order one. Somebody stop me before I order another, okay?
 

Justobuddies

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I think there needs to be a delicious deadly-strong drink with that name. I'd order one. Somebody stop me before I order another, okay?

I should have googled it before I posted the joke, apparently it's both a real book and a drink:

Book:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15843172-tequila-mockingbird

Recipe:
Ingredients in The Tequila Mockingbird Cocktail

1 Jalapeño pepper slice.
3 oz. Patrón Silver Tequila.
1 1⁄2 oz. Watermelon-Basil Purée.
3⁄4 oz.
3⁄4 oz. Agave syrup (one part agave nectar, one part water)
 

Maryn

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I like jalapenos, I do, but not in my drink. I don't even want cocktail onions or olives. I will accept citrus and pineapple in my alcohol, but nothing else.

So, what time should we meet at the nearest bar?
 

Justobuddies

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So, what time should we meet at the nearest bar?

Sadly, my local cafe/bar/bookshop went out of business for forgetting to pay their taxes. So it goes. But it was a lovely place that made me happy.
2016-04-08-The-Phoenix-Tulsa-10.jpg

library.jpg

67243_630b0e4b9464cc3d41eba24afd796f1e.jpg
 

Keithy

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How did Luke Skywalker get around Endor after his speederbike crashed?

Ewoked.
 

Ketzel

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Courtesy of a young family member: What does Santa's grammar teacher call the elves? Subordinate Clauses
 

DanielSTJ

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What did the apple say to the orange?

"Orange you glad you didn't eat that chilli?"

==========================

This was a train-wreck of a joke. Holy jeez!
 
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