Punctuation help needed for action break within dialogue

tiggs

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Hi all,

This is what I currently have:

“So, the first time I met your great-great-gre..." — he paused, and used his fingers — "eight-times great grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”

I don't think that's right, but I have no idea how to fix it. How should that sentence be punctuated?

Many thanks in advance.
 
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Marlys

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This is how I would do it:

“So, the first time I met your great-great-gre--" He paused, and used his fingers. "Eight-times-great-grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”

I would use an em-dash after 'gre' because it only works for me if he cuts it off dead in the middle of the word. 'He paused' isn't a dialogue tag, so I'd give it its own sentence. If for some reason you more of it all in one sentence, put a dialogue tag in there and then you can add action, but I'd probably still continue his dialogue on the other side:

“So, the first time I met your great-great-gre--" he said, pausing to count on his fingers. "Eight-times-great-grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”
 

blacbird

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Looks correct to me, using em-dashes without the spaces around them, outside the quotation marks. I've seen this exact convention in many published works.

caw
 

Jan74

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From what I've seen online is you don't need to say "he paused" because the em-dash indicates a pause so it's just adding words you don't need to. Ducking out and will stalk this thread for tips.
 

BethS

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Hi all,

This is what I currently have:

“So, the first time I met your great-great-gre..." — he paused, and used his fingers — "eight-times great grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”

I don't think that's right, but I have no idea how to fix it. How should that sentence be punctuated?

Many thanks in advance.

It comes down to house style and/or author preference. I've seen it done different ways in published books, with dashes, with commas, or (like the example Marlys gave) with the action as its own sentence in the middle. That one is probably the way I'd go as well.
 
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Brechin Frost

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I think I'd lose "he paused," as well.

The em-dash does the job for you. Having action between the dialogue also helps.

An ellipsis would suggest a trailing off.

However, it's certainly the writer's prerogative to keep "he paused," but if so, I agree with Marlys that it isn't a dialogue tag and should be its own sentence.
 

tiggs

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Quick question: Does it make any difference if there's a descriptive beat prior?

I wasn't trying to use "he paused" as a dialogue tag, per se, as the descriptive beat shows who's doing the speaking. I removed it from the above, as I didn't think it would matter to the punctuation.

In total, however, it read:

George settled back into the deep armchair. “So, the first time I met your great-great-gre..." — he paused, and used his fingers — "eight-times great grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”

I'm guessing that it wouldn't -- but just checking.
 

Brechin Frost

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Some editors would have you place the dialogue on its own line, but personally I prefer it all together.

Each has its own effect. When the action and speech are separate, it creates a literal space between them. When they're together, the action becomes part of the conversation. It depends on the intent--yours and the character's. If it's a conversational gesture the character affects, it's apart of the communicative language; whereas if it's incidental, unconnected to the way he communicates, it belongs by itself.
 

BethS

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Quick question: Does it make any difference if there's a descriptive beat prior?

I wasn't trying to use "he paused" as a dialogue tag, per se, as the descriptive beat shows who's doing the speaking. I removed it from the above, as I didn't think it would matter to the punctuation.

In total, however, it read:

George settled back into the deep armchair. “So, the first time I met your great-great-gre..." — he paused, and used his fingers — "eight-times great grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”

That looks fine to me. Not to mention intriguing. It would make a great opener for a story, too. :greenie
 
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tiggs

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That looks fine to me. Not to mention intriguing. It would make a great opener for a story, too. :greenie
Thanks -- but sadly not the opening. It's the last line of chapter seven.

If it drags the reader into chapter eight though, then it's worked.
 

Seven Crowns

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“So, the first time I met your great-great-gre..." He paused and used his fingers. "Eight-times great grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”

Since he paused himself and wasn't interrupted, I'd keep the ... in there rather than an em dash. And I know it's possible to overuse italics, but Eight-times is really begging for one.

(Separate issue, but you didn't need that comma in the tag, so I chopped it.)
 

weekendwarrior

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My meagre two cents (and I know it's not quite what you're asking about): I'd repeat your when he picks up again. It makes it slightly clearer and easier to register what the eight-times is referring to since it's not super clear what the great is referring to at the outset (unless this is already being discussed prior). So it'd read:

“So, the first time I met your great-great-gre..." He paused and used his fingers. "Your eight-times great grandmother, my wife was trying to murder me.”
 

skyhawk0

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Some editors would have you place the dialogue on its own line, but personally I prefer it all together.

Each has its own effect. When the action and speech are separate, it creates a literal space between them. When they're together, the action becomes part of the conversation. It depends on the intent--yours and the character's. If it's a conversational gesture the character affects, it's apart of the communicative language; whereas if it's incidental, unconnected to the way he communicates, it belongs by itself.
Have to agree with this. Having George sitting in the same paragraph as the dialogue suggests to me that he's speaking as he sits down.

I've been breaking my brain at times editing an author who loves putting action into the same paragraph as dialogue. The decision I made was that if the actions were those of the person speaking and happened concurrently with the speech, they remained in the same paragraph. Things that character did which were incidental but concurrent with speech remained in the paragraph, so long as they were noted between bits of dialogue. While it may not be part of the character's intent in communicating, it would still be something that colours how others read his intent.

That said, breaking other instances into paragraphs really highlighted some of the dialogue much more strongly and the author appreciated the change. White space is part of a writer's toolkit, after all.
 
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