Some savage satire to make us feel better...

JCornelius

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FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

http://www.theonion.com/article/fbi-uncovers-al-qaeda-plot-to-just-sit-back-and-en-35788

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”
 
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JCornelius

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Trump Fires Attorney General After Copy of Constitution Is Found on Her Computer

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/boro...on-is-found-on-her-computer?intcid=mod-latest

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump fired the acting Attorney General, Sally Q. Yates, after learning that she had downloaded a copy of the United States Constitution to her computer, Trump told reporters on Monday night.

According to the Trump Administration’s code of ethics, established by Steve Bannon, a counsellor to the President, “possessing, reading, or referring to the United States Constitution” is a violation that is punishable by termination.

Suspecting that Yates was in breach of that rule, Bannon seized Yates’s computer at the Justice Department and discovered that she had secretly downloaded a complete copy of the 1789 document.

“Sally Yates was hatching a covert plot to require my actions to be in accordance with the Constitution,” Trump said. “We caught her red-handed.”
 
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JCornelius

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Trump sacks everyone who doesn't look like a recently-reanimated corpse
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/...e-a-recently-reanimated-corpse-20170201121354

DONALD Trump has fired all officials who lack the blank-eyed stare of the undead.

President Trump confirmed that he would only work with unblinking barrel-chested freaks who appeared to have just climbed from a crypt to do his bidding.

He said: “These are great people. Top people. Undead people.

“Look at their empty eyes and their heavy, limp limbs. These guys aren’t going to disobey their master.

“You tell them to hide in a bush all night beside a lonely road waiting to ambush a traveller, they’ll do it.

“You tell them to bring you a beautiful woman whose picture you’ve just pointed at in a magazine, they’ll do it.”

He added: “I’ve got this one guy, he’s called Rince Pubis or something. That’s hilarious.”
 

RightHoJeeves

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Trump sacks everyone who doesn't look like a recently-reanimated corpse

Haha, reminds me of the meme that says Steve Bannon looks like the guy on the spaceship who caught the space virus but didn't tell anybody.
 

JCornelius

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[h=1]Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away [/h]http://www.theonion.com/article/fearful-americans-stockpiling-facts-federal-govern-55219

“I know my rights as an American, so you’d better believe I’m getting my hands on as many facts as possible and keeping them somewhere safe where this First Amendment–hating president of ours can’t snatch them all up,” said Pittsburgh resident David Edelman, 38, adding that he was worried that President Trump planned to not only suspend production of facts, but also seize existing ones, leaving Americans and their families completely defenseless.
“The minute I saw Trump, I knew he was someone who didn’t grow up around facts or the kind of folks who use facts. Well, the founding fathers cherished my right to possess facts, and they’d be rolling in their graves if they knew the Feds were going to bust in and try to steal our facts in the middle of the night.”
A spokesperson for the Trump administration dismissed such fears, saying that the president merely wanted to keep facts away from certain dangerous people
 

JCornelius

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[h=1]Nation’s Stomach Ulcers Predict Trump Administration Will Provide Opportunities For Unlimited Growth In 2017[/h]http://www.theonion.com/article/nations-stomach-ulcers-predict-trump-administratio-55208

“The outlook for the coming year is just fantastic—in fact, we could see an unprecedented expansion of ulcers under President Trump,” said an ulcer representative, adding that the mood around the country was ideal for the prosperity and advancement of the gnawing internal lesions, and that there had already been a record increase in Trump’s first week alone.
“For stomach and intestinal ulcers alike, there’s just a new sense of energy and inspiration under Donald Trump. Frankly, we haven’t seen this much confidence since World War II.”
Despite its optimism, however, the membrane rupture conceded that the growth of ulcers may within months pale in comparison to that of coronary blockages.
 

Wicked

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A handful of Late Night Talk Shows in Europe have been making some pretty great videos roasting Trump. "[insert country here] welcomes Trump in his own words"
YMMV with the humor in some, and some of them don't pull any punches, but it's one of the few things that's made me laugh in days.

Clip from a German talk show, explaining it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcH9eWBs9fw&t=305s

Everysecondcounts.eu (the flags that are lit up, have videos) {this link has stopped working for some reason. Was fine a few hours ago} Update: Site is back up, but they've changed it from flags, to a map. More countries/videos since last time I checked it.
http://www.everysecondcounts.eu/
 
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Lyv

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I have no idea if I've ever even heard Bannon's voice (possibly thanks to my avoidance of hearing the voice of someone I am now calling "Sleazy D"). I still am dying to see Rosie as Bannon. This must happen.
 

JCornelius

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Trump demands introduction of Super Double Caps Lock

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/...tion-of-super-double-caps-lock-20170210121896

Trump believes that computer keyboards need a new key to represent how emphatic and powerful his words are.

A White House spokesman said: “When the president typed ‘SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!’ it was commanding, impressive and resolute.

“But unfortunately YouTube commenters calling pop videos ‘THE GAYMOST’ have lessened the impact of capital letters, meaning the tweet came across as impotent rage from a bewildered adult baby.

“Funding of $6.5 billion will create a Super Double Caps Lock key, reserved exclusively for presidential use, which will fully communicate the authority and import of President Trump’s statesmanlike tweets.

“The trial is set for October this year, when he will leave the world in awe with a series of epochal tweets about his daughter’s shoe line and a fabric softener commercial he feels is disrespecting him.”
 
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JCornelius

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[h=1]How DeVos Plans To Change The Department Of Education[/h]http://www.theonion.com/infographic/how-devos-plans-change-department-education-55259

Relax unrealistically strict standards for secretary of education

Modify Title IX to allow invisible hand of the market to sort out any student rape cases that may arise

Let low-income parents choose which one of their children gets to go to school

Place power for establishing gym class floor hockey rules back in states’ hands where it belongs

Require free- and reduced-lunch recipients to prostrate themselves before the principal at mealtime

Steer tax dollars away from failing, fundamentally defective public school students
 

Max Vaehling

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A handful of Late Night Talk Shows in Europe have been making some pretty great videos roasting Trump. "[insert country here] welcomes Trump in his own words"
YMMV with the humor in some, and some of them don't pull any punches, but it's one of the few things that's made me laugh in days.

Clip from a German talk show, explaining it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcH9eWBs9fw&t=305s

Everysecondcounts.eu (the flags that are lit up, have videos) {this link has stopped working for some reason. Was fine a few hours ago} Update: Site is back up, but they've changed it from flags, to a map. More countries/videos since last time I checked it.
http://www.everysecondcounts.eu/

You beat me to it... by about a week or so.
These videos have been popping up all over th eplace since a Dutch late night show launched theirs a while ago. And it's not just European countries anymore. In Germany, several regions and cities have made their own (although the Ostfriesian one is the only really funny one I've seen so far, worth watching just for Miss Ostfiresland). The firendliest, though, is Iran's. They're not asking to be second, just to rate somewhat before Iraq. And not to get mixed up with Iraq all the time, say, when there's an attack due. There's also one for Namibia, one for Australia, one for China (no idea, though, if that one's genuine), one for Mordor and one for Mars.

They're not all equally funny, though, and the fun increases the more you know about the countries in question.

Also, the site seems to be down again. It was last week, too, when I first meant to post it here. I guess they didn't quite take their would-be success into account. Just try again later or look for it on YouTube. There's also a twitter handle: #itsgreateu.
 
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JCornelius

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Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/...ryone-say-nice-things-about-it-20170217122330
A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is.

The unnaturally fluorescent mass of insecurities, apparently incapable of understanding basic logic, told press that the real story was how incredible it was and how much everyone loved it.

The thing, which blankly opened and closed a hole in its face even when not speaking as if in an autonomous feeding reflex, was able to respond to human speech but experts believe it is simply mimicry, devoid of meaning.

BBC reporter Julian Cook said: “It appeared to answer questions, but when you read back the answers they’re nothing but a torrent of unconnected words mixed with a keening refrain of pathetic self-praise.

“We believe this creature actually feeds on adulation and has adapted to seek out high concentrations of it, but instead is now exposed to unprecedented levels of toxic criticism causing it to lash out.”

He added: “Its neediness is almost to be pitied, if it wasn’t such a contemptible sack of orange shit.”
 

autumnleaf

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World Gonna Try Not Paying Attention To Trump For A Week
http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/20...try-not-paying-attention-to-trump-for-a-week/

"In order for the world to better embrace a Trump-less news week, people have been encouraged to cease all engagement with the internet, avoid reading newspapers, watching TV and listening to radio while also cancelling any communications they receive via telegram and carrier pigeon."
 

JCornelius

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Jeff Sessions Spits In Face Of FBI Interrogator Trying To Get Him To Turn On Trump
http://www.theonion.com/article/jeff-sessions-spits-face-fbi-interrogator-trying-g-55433

WASHINGTON—Angrily
dismissing offers of a plea deal if he would agree to cooperate with an investigation into the current administration’s ties to Russia, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly spit in the face of an FBI interrogator Thursday who was attempting to convince him to turn on President Trump.

“If you goddamn Feds want to know whether I’ll turn rat: Here’s my answer,” said Sessions, shortly before leaning over the small wooden table separating him and his interrogator and spitting directly into the FBI official’s eyes. “I’m not gonna crack, so you G-men can threaten me with whatever the hell you want—you’re just wasting your time. I’ll fucking die before I flip, so you got the balls to kill me?”

At press time, Sessions had reportedly begun to break down and was frantically divulging everything he knew after agents asked him how long he thought he would last on the inside with all the people he had helped put away on marijuana charges over the years.
 

JCornelius

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Trump claims Obama has been following him around since 1987
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/...ollowing-him-around-since-1987-20170306123462

DONALD Trump has claimed Barack Obama has been stalking him for the last three decades. In a series of heavily capitalised tweets, Trump said Obama’s obsession started when his predecessor sat behind him at a screening of Beverley Hills Cop II in 1987.

According to the tycoon, Obama can be spotted – in disguise – in the background of Trump’s appearances in Home Alone 2, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and an episode of Sex and the City from 1999 called The Man, the Myth, the Viagra.

Trump added: “I’ve always felt that someone was lurking nearby. He is totally obsessed with me – not the other way around. I think he wants to destroy me because he’s never launched a successful range of steaks like I have.”

White House staff have tried to calm him with a copper bracelet, telling him it is a ‘special Obama-repelling device that emits a frequency that can only be heard by Hawaiians of Kenyan ancestry’.
 
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JCornelius

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‘Curses!’ Shouts Fist-Shaking Meals On Wheels Ringleader As Trump Cuts Off Gravy Train

http://www.theonion.com/article/curses-shouts-fist-shaking-meals-wheels-ringleader-55553
RLINGTON, VA—Throwing President Trump’s 2018 budget proposal across the room in a fit of anger, James Scheri, ringleader of the Meals on Wheels America program, reportedly shook his fist in the air and shouted “Curses!” Thursday upon learning that his gravy train could soon be cut off.
“Blast—my scheme has been found out!” said Scheri, his face growing red with rage after learning of the Trump administration’s plans to eliminate federal grants that fund his elaborate moneymaking swindle of delivering food to the homes of elderly and disabled Americans. “The jig is up! Now that those damned feds have gotten wind, what will become of the grand empire I have built?
 

JCornelius

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[h=1]Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull
http://www.theonion.com/article/aides-wrestle-drill-trumps-hands-he-tries-remove-o-55576

WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!” Trump reportedly shouted shortly before three White House staffers pinned him to the floor and pried apart his fingers to seize the power tool. “You don’t understand, he can hear everything we’re saying! Obama can even hear my thoughts! I have to get it out! I can feel it! I can feel it! I can feel it!”

[/h]