Grandma Susie's House of FUN and MORE FUN!

porlock

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"Dang it's hot today, I can feel it through my shoes."

"Yes, these are the climes that fry men's soles."
 

NathanBrazil

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Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"


The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
 

alleycat

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Oh, no, you're going to get us started on fish pun again.

Sorry, I'm just being crappie.
 

NathanBrazil

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Oh, I beat ya to it, AC. By seconds.

A variation of LilB's earlier:
Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer's."


Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."
 

alleycat

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Two guys are out hunting in the woods . . .

There is another old joke similar to that one. It's a bit long so I'll do the short version.

Three rednecks were out hunting when one of them gets shot accidentally. The other two rush him to the hospital. After a long wait the doctor comes out to report on the man's condition.
"Doc, is Elmer going to be all right?"
"We're not sure. It would have helped if you two hadn't gutted him first before tying him to the front of the truck."
 

Lillian_Blaire

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
 

NathanBrazil

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Better than getting slapped by a robot.

*robot slaps itself*
 

Lillian_Blaire

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*goes around in a circle, touching everyone's head, saying duck...duck...duck...*

*gets to AC, yells GOOSE!*

(Please tell me I'm not the only one that knows how to play this game)
 

Caitlin Black

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I hated Duck, Duck, Goose as a kid... Whenever I was chosen as the Goose, you can guarantee that it was one of my friends, and rather than gently tapping me on the head, it was a full-force smack. Grrr.
 

GailD

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Three guys are at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted into heaven. St Peter says that there's only room for one, but he'll let in the one who had the worst death.

Silent Rob says, 'I came home early from work and found my wife naked in bed. I knew what she'd been up to so I ran through the house looking for the bastige but couldn't find him. Then I saw fingers gripping the windowsill so I took a heavy lamp and beat the fingers until the guy dropped to the ground. The fall didn't kill him so I threw the refrigerator down on top of him. All the stress gave me a heart attack.'

'Gosh,' says St Peter, 'that is terrible.'

NathanB says, 'That's nothing. I was fixing the tiles on my roof when I lost my balance and fell. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto the windowsill of the neighbor's house. But then some lunatic grabs a heavy lamp and smashes my fingers until I let go. But the fall didn't kill me so he threw a refrigerator down on top of me.'

St Peter is horrified. 'My goodness, that is bad.' He turns to the next guy.

AC says, 'Just imagine being naked and hiding in a refrigerator....


:banana:
 

Caitlin Black

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A goth dies and goes to heaven. One of the angels gives him a quick tour, showing off what heaven has to offer. When they round a corner, however, the goth sees Andrew Eldritch sitting on a throne.

"Is that..." begins the goth.

"No," says the angel. "That's god. He only *thinks* he's Andrew Eldritch!"

...

*is aware that many of you don't know who Andrew Eldritch is* Goth royalty, basically. :)
 

Silent Rob

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All those jokes were very funny except one.

ROAR :D
 

heyjude

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Morning, house of bad puns and worse jokes. Thanks for starting me out with a smile. The one really funny joke I know isn't this-forum appropriate.
 

porlock

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George knew that you can't take it with you but managed to get a priest to give him special dispensation. He showed up at the Pearly Gates with two big suitcases.

"Okay," said StPeter, "show me what you got."

George opened the suitcases and they were full of solid gold bars.

StPeter was shocked.

"You brought pavement?"
 

KellyAssauer

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Speaking of gold.... not a joke:

Something different happened to me last night. One of the kids that used to live next to Mom's stopped by. She hadn't seen him since he was five years old, lives in Florida now, does deep sea diving, was on the team that found a 1715 shipwreck two years ago. He pulled a gold coin out of his wallet and handed it to me. I checked it out and handed it back. That's when he asked me how it felt to hold 40 grand...

-gulp-