Feedback for Beginning
Hope some of this helps your revision...
First, it's difficult to make lots of comments without the poet thinking there must be lots of things wrong with a poem. My approach to giving writers feedback is that I like to receive detailed, thorough comments myself.
Second, it's difficult to suggest revisions without it sounding as if the person giving you feedback wants you write your poem the way he or she would write it. It's your poem. Do it your way.
General Comments...
Despite a bit of confusion here and there, I enjoyed Beginning for its emotional content, which focused my attention on WHAT your poem means. Real poets can't help but tell the truth, and whether those emotions are yours or a persona you created with your poem, that is the heart of poetry, and you are a real poet.
The other side of that coin is HOW a poem means, which focused my attention on imagery, line breaks, line length, pacing, rhythm and so forth. Allow me to open that up a bit more:
Every poem is a marriage of what it means and how it means. Like the song lyrics, "Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage." The horse shouldn't determine where the carriage goes, of course, nor how fast it gets there. If you'll allow me to extend that metaphor by including you, the driver, then I'd like to suggest that your end-rhyme structure is hampering your attempts to make it a completely happy, harmonious marriage.
Your end rhyme, for example, makes me feel like it's in charge of your line breaks, which makes it difficult for you to achieve a consistent meter and a pleasing musical rhythm. The "beat" of your poem, in other words, isn't as consistent as it could be. So I suggest you scan it. If you're not sure how to do that, Google "scansion" or search for that term here at AW. After you've scanned your poem, read it aloud. You might be amazed at how many things your ears notice that your eyes don't.
The constraints of end rhyme also make it difficult to choose the right words throughout a poem. Robert Frost is famous for saying, "Writing free verse is like playing with the net down." And when the net is up, a poet must find that harmonious marriage of every word in a poem--the words at the end of every line, the words at the beginning of every line and all the words in between.
I applaud you for aligning your line breaks with punctuation! That should make it more likely that non-poets will enjoy your poem. Most mainstream readers avoid poetry, structured or free verse, because most poets tend to break their lines before a unit of grammatical sense is complete. These "odd" line breaks confuse them. Poetry doesn't "look" like prose, and doesn't read like prose either. You may not be interested in reaching a more general audience, but it has been my goal for many decades to reach more people than just other poets with poetry's power to change the way we see ourselves and the world in which we live.
Your first two stanzas are three lines, and the remaining stanzas are four lines. You may have had a really good reason for doing that, but I couldn't find one. Probably won't bother anyone else, but you might consider taking another look at that.
You've included some sensory words, such as breathless and entwined, but overall it's my opinion that there's too much telling and not enough showing. I am not one of those writers who thinks writers should always show and never tell. Hey, writing can breath with showing and telling.
Specific Comments...
Title => Let me also commend you for not leaving your poem untitled. We wouldn't send our children into the world without a name, so it certainly makes sense not to send our poems into the world without a name.
Your title IS relevant to the meaning. Good for you! But a poem's title is also its first line, so it should do more work than just be a working title. My approach is to start with a working title, then peruse words and phrases in the finished poem that will ignite my readers' curiosity, make it likely that they will say "Ah hah!" when the closure of my poem ties everything together.
Lines 1-3 => Thought you were speaking to poets in this forum, then I realized "this" is supposed to rhyme with "breathless". A bit confusing, and you might consider making this stanza four lines, not three.
Lines 4-6 => You might consider making this stanza four lines, not three. Rhythm really staggers. Do some scansion.
Lines 7-10 => "Yet no matter" sounds awkward to me; the gist of these lines is that despite this relationship having just begun, it feels right, which must rhyme with "night"; what also seems to be going on here is that the persona is pleasantly surprised, which rhymes with "rise"; yeah, that would require restructuring to smooth the meter; deleting "and" in Line 10 will tighten your "morning, evening, night" connection;
Lines 11-14 => "this" rises [verb] quickly (adverb), not fast (adjective); and choosing a specific, sensory replacement for "this" would improve imagery and clarity; then you could select a synonym for whatever word you use to replace "this" so you can avoid repeating "this" in the next line; deleting "and" in Line 14 will tighten your "tender, loving" connection;
Lines 15-18 => "Spend my years lying [next] to you" would improve meter.
"Entwined" INFERS intimate [your readers will get it]; "to fall in love [with] one more time;
1 Please guide my words,
2 to help me express this.
3 I have waited for you unknowingly breathless.
4 Now changed in unexpected ways,
5 I feel I've known you for years,
6 In reality days.
7 Yet no matter how fast this rise,
8 this feels right.
9 I could gaze forever into your eyes
10 Morning, evening and night.
11 Spend eternity in your smile,
12 speaking of everything and nothing.
13 Hold you close to me and all the while,
14 Kiss you tender and loving.
15 Spends my years just lying near you,
16 fingers intimately entwined,
17 And everyday find something new [,]
18 To fall in love [with] one more time.
