Having another one of those Identity crisis episodes...How to cope?

I'm going through identity crisis again after reading a particular book about being Latina.

~~A bit of Background:

My parents are Puerto Rican, born in Puerto Rico and lived most of their lives in Puerto Rico, though my abuela and mother did travel back and forth between the northern United States and PR.

Both parents loved parts of their culture, but also adopted/absorbed and loved a lot of American stuff as well.

They speak both English and Spanish, since they were both taught both English and Spanish in their schooling and upbringing in PR.

My dad has dark tan skin, and my mother has lighter yellowish skin (that still tans when in the sun). I have something like my mother's skin, while my sisters are combinations of darker and lighter skin tones.

I was born in Puerto Rico as well, but when I was around toddlerhood when my parents decided to move to the United States.

(Lol, I don't know if I can say they "immigrated" since PR is kind of a United States Commonwealth territory thing...?)

Anyway, my parents just love American stuff (while still retaining some love for Latino pop culture, music, and some foods), and my playmates were mostly non-Hispanic, so when I was little, I ended up absorbing the various American cultural stuff.

My parents, while they do love some parts of Puerto Rico and culture, and sometimes vacation there, do not want to ever move back to Puerto Rico. (They grew up in a poor neighborhood in PR.) So we stayed in America, and we continue loving American life.

I had a speech and mental processing problem when I was younger. I struggled to speak any language, whether it was English or Spanish. My mother was very impressed with my advanced reading skills in English (and some basic reading of Spanish), though.

I'm not fluent in Spanish at all, but other Hispanic/Latino peeps do act impressed at my Spanish grammar when I do attempt to speak pieces of it. Many do seem amused at my terrible pronunciations, though.

It took me a long, long time, but I've been recently starting to accept that I can still be a Latino American, even if I don't speak much Spanish.
~~~

Anyway...

What made me doubt again is that I was reading a book about being Latina, and I found I couldn't fully relate to some portions of the author's experiences. I don't fully fit with what the author assumes about me being Latina.

My parents are much more liberal than the parents mentioned in the book, for example.

Other examples: I also never felt pressured to be submissive to Latino men or whatever, and my parents and I would never think of dating White non-Hispanic people as something to be ashamed of or whatever.

I just...feel like I don't know if I'm really a Latina/Hispanic American since I don't seem to fully fit with the Latina experiences and upbringing. My parents don't seem to fit the expectations of what most Latino parents should be like, too.

We feel too... "Americanized"?

What makes things worse is that my family moved around a lot, too, so I don't feel at home in some states.

We have been living in Florida for about ten years now, so I guess Florida is my home, at the moment.

My parents don't want to ever move back to Puerto Rico, and my sisters and I just don't feel like we fit in Puerto Rico, either.

I feel like a stray mutt or a person with no origin sometimes. It's frustrating.

I don't know how to cope with this identity crisis stuff sometimes. Any advice?

Buwaah, thanks y'all, for the awesome pep talk. It's great knowing there are other POC peeps who feel this way, too.

Oh, if anyone wanted to know, the book is a nonfiction book that talks about the Latina author's personal experiences and sharing brief anecdotes, targeting advice towards the Latina readers.

The New Latina's Bible; The Modern Latina's Guide to Love, Spirituality, Family, and La Vida by Sandra Guzman.

The author tends to directly address the Latina reader a lot throughout the book as she gives her advice. She also includes some statistics and informational resources.

I really do enjoy the book for the most part. It is a very empowering, very feminist, very sex-positive book! I just love the modern/liberal outlook aspects and tone of the book!

It's pretty awesome to have a great positive outlook of being a Latino woman (Latina) living in America.

The author emphasizes about being true to yourself and being true to your roots.

I also love how she also briefly addresses a bit of the LGBT aspect in a positive (and practical) light. Which makes me feel warm and tingly inside. :3

The parts that made me doubt myself and overthink about myself were the portions of the book where the author directly addresses the Latina readers with phrasings like, "Mija, as you very well know, we Latinas like....", "We Latinas are best at....", "Gringos/gringas are like...", etc.

While I understood some portions of what she was refering to, there were several other portions that made me feel like I wasn't the typical Latina she was addressing...

...and I actually related better to the gringos ("foreign" white non-Hispanic people in joking terms) she talks about in the dating sections, insted, lol! XD

I guess I'm just overthinking things with this book.

I've been reading a little bit of Latino-American history stuff (and Florida history) lately, and this book caught my eye while I was browsing Barnes and Noble the other day, and I really, really liked the tone of it and ended up buying it.

It's still a great book. I still it.

Reflecting back on it...maybe it's not meant to be targeted at me, per se.

Re-reading it today after reading all of your posts, she definitely seems to be tailoring her liberal/progressive advice towards Latinas with a more conservative or "traditional" background.

I come from a much more liberal/progressive (and somewhat American) household, so maybe that could be why I couldn't fully relate to several portions of the book where she generalizes about the typical Latina experiences and the typical Latina parents and upbringing.

But, you are all right in that it's just the author's personal experience. Both of our experiences may be different, but they're both valid.

My mami gave me a similar pep talk as well, lol. But she's a (good) Mama. Most mamas usually give teh Pep Talk(tm). XD

So much awesome in this thread! :3 You would not believe how comforting this all is. Throughout most of my whole life, I always felt like there was something wrong with me not "fitting in" or being "Hispanic/Latino enough". When it came to cultural studies, or cultural lectures or presentations in my schools, I always felt like a "non-pure"/"fake" Hispanic/Latino person. Then there are people who assume things about me just because they noticed I'm Hispanic.

This thread is just a great relief, let me tell you! Thank you.

Thank God for this board.

Roxxsmom said:

I don't know how the author prefaced it in the book, but I wouldn't take any one representation of what it's like to be growing up as Latina in the US as all-encompassing. Some may relate very much to this character's experience, or to many parts of it, and others might not.

What you describe, that feeling like you have internalized many aspects of mainstream "white" American culture is definitely something I've heard other people who are Latino or of other heritages that are not entirely white or Latino. That's a huge aspect of the whole white privilege thing in the US.

This is a great example of why it's important to have more books out there told from different perspectives, imo. There's no one that speaks for everyone, even if they share the same cultural background. You are who you are, and there's nothing inauthentic or fake about your experience at all.

FWIW, I have a friend who is of Germanic background, and she's much more in touch with the cultural aspect of her heritage than my family ever has been. The only really "German" thing about us is that my folks had this odd belief that a good poo could fix any sort of ailment when we were kids. I didn't even know that was a German thing until someone told me a few years back

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+1 to your whole posts, as always, Roxxsmom. Yup, the Latino/Hispanic spectrum is pretty broad.

That is quite a mix of heritages there, Roxxsmom. I would be overwhelmed by such a mix like that, lol.

Lol at that German poo thing! XD That's interesting. I totally understand the whole "someone else is more in touch with the culture I'm from than me/my family" thing, too. I've encountered many White non-Hispanic people who speak more Spanish (and more fluently) than me.

(I mean, I tried to learn Spanish, and my basic Spanish grammar is good and all, but I tend to forget a lot of vocab or confuse some types of conjugation endings. I just can't seem to get fluent in it, especially "conversational" Spanish. I can understand from reading or hearing bits and pieces of it, but I can't fully absorb and integrate it.)

cornflake said:

You don't fit with the experiences of the person who wrote the book, or rather the character in it. I don't really see what that's got to do with being Latina or not. There are lots of people who could be or would identify themselves as Latina - they don't all share the same experiences.

Your identity is yours, defined by whatever means you define it. The character's primary identifier might be Latina, because the way she defines that and what came with it for her shaped a lot of her experiences. Your primary identifier might be woman, nerd, American, bunny, whatever - it's yours.

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Thank you for the pep talk, cornflake. I just get into my headspace too much, I guess. It's just the pressures of never being "enough" to fit into the cultures.

People act shocked or disappointed when I don't speak Spanish, but then some get impressed when I do speak some words in Spanish. So annoying, and so, so weird.

Then there are those Hispanic/Latino peeps who make my Mami feel bad for not teaching me Spanish. She always felt ashamed because of this. I always try to tell her that there was nothing wrong with her parenting, that she was a great mom, and that there is nothing wrong with me, either.

She's learning to accept this, especially when she started encountering some young grandkids/kids of some Hispanic/Latino acquaintances who don't speak much Spanish either.

I'm learning to accept all this, too.

She always believes that I am still Hispanic, though.

phantasy said:

As a fellow PoC, I understand where you're coming from, and understand this is something many deal with. My own person take and no offense – Forget trying to fit in. Do the parts you love. Like aspects of your parent's culture? Keep it. Enhance it, if need be. Same with being an American. I also think culture can be pretty overrated at times. Some of it can be wonderful and some can be downright awful. Keep the good and get rid of the bad, is my philosophy.

As for that book -- that's just one person's experience. Just because you didn't share it exactly, doesn't negate either of your stories. Go read other books by other Latinas, and I'm sure you'll find even more varied experiences.

Btw, your family sounds lovely. So you're not a mutt without origin. You have them and I'm assuming you have extended family that love you very much too.

For me, fitting in was never something I tried to do. It hurt sometimes, but I've never really fit in with those from my country of my origin, even though I look like them and have similar upbringing. And I probably never completely will as an American. There will always be people who look at me funny, but as long as no one gets in my way, I don't care.

I hope I'm not being insensitive or harsh. I just want you to hold your head up high and be proud of where you came from and where you're going. You're your own person and you don't have to fit in.

And if one day you want to learn Spanish better or move to Puerto Rico, because you love your culture so much, do it. And do it, embracing that you're got an outsider's eye and will be better able to see the good from the bad, and perhaps even offer insights others from the culture might not see.

*hugs*

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Don't worry. You're not being insensitive or harsh at all!

It is a very good way to look at things. My Mami tends to say tell me similar things, as she never "fit in" even among her Puerto Rican family and friends. She's not interested in going back to the island as she never loved it there, and she doesn't really fit with its culture, either.

My dad is more traditional/conservative in this particular aspect (for example, he wanted his daughters to speak Spanish and get interested in some PR stuff), but he's starting to accept some of my mom's mentality as well. He still has pieces of PR culture and stuff, but he's pretty much used to living in America now, especially Florida. He's in with Florida nowadays, lol.

Samsonet said:

There is no "the _____ experience". We use that phrase for convenience, but it just means "this person's experience from the angle of _____".

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I have to start thinking of that phrasing in that way as well. It really helps a lot. Thank you for that, Samsonet!

kuwisdelu said:

I know how you feel, bunny.

I'm half. I don't speak my native language, even though my mom does. I didn't grow up on the rez, although my mom did.

I could probably pass as a tanned white girl much of the time, especially now that my long hair no longer stands out for my gender.

I sometimes have to struggle to relate to some Natives who grew up on the rez, or even in the city, rather than the suburbs.

But I have to try to remember that I'm still Native, and my narrative isn't so different from many young Native Americans today, just as I'm sure there are many young Latinas today who feel the same way you do.

Growing up disconnected from your culture and struggling to reconnect is an extremely common experience growing up in the West today, but the stories haven't caught up yet. Though they're starting to. And we can help write them.

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*hugs* Yay for the struggling together!

ap123 said:

Bunny Gypsy, this identity crisis is what you're feeling right now, but that book? One woman's experience.

At this moment, in my American home: my kiddos = 1/2 Dominican, 1/4 Italian and 1/4 Greek, 3 of kiddo#2's friends--1 of Dominican descent, 1 is 1/2 Chinese, 1/2 Filipino, 1 is 1/2 African American, 1/2 Belizean. Yesterday, kiddo #3's friend, 1/2 Jamaican, 1/2 African American. Last week, a couple that is Husband and my closest friends, he's of Puerto Rican descent, she's African American.

All of us share certain common traits and experiences, and bring others to the table. No one is less valid, less real, than the next.

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Oh, wow! That's a lot of mixtures there, lol! XD

Got to love the diversity. Hehe, what is the "Real America", eh? (Darn those politicians and people who use the stupid "real Americans", "get America back", "make America great again" sayings.)

slhuang said:

I also know exactly those feels.

I have to tell myself often that my own cultural perspective is not wrong, is not "not enough" in any way, that all cultural perspectives are individual. It actually helps me to read your post and say, well, of course bunny's perspective and cultural experiences are totally valid, and I should say so in thread!, because then that little voice in my head says to me, "well, you should also have no doubt that your own are totally valid, too, then. Nyah!"

Also, hey, it looks like pretty much all the POC in this thread have started out their post saying we know exactly how you feel, so... you are not alone.

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Yay!!! It's wonderful (and interesting!) to know that I'm not alone with my self-identity struggles!

This thread just lights up my heart.

AW Admin said:

The book's author, while well-meaning I expect, is doing Puerto Rico and Puerto Ricans, and other Latino cultures, harm.

Puerto Rican cultures are not Mexican or Salvadoran or Cuban or Guatomalian.

These cultures share a language (Spanish) imposed from without. They all have/had indigenous peoples; they are all unique, even in terms of their use of Spanish.

It's not really helpful to always lump them under Hispanic or Latino.

You get to decide who you are and how you are.

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Thank you for the reassurances, Lisa.

I've had to deal with this very well-meaning mentality (similar to the Latina author) from other real-life Latino/Hispanic people as well.

I also had to deal with the judgement, too.

I felt terrible for my mother, because people would often doubt her parenting skills, just because she didn't teach me Spanish.

Not that she was able to, even when she did try, lol. XD (I had speech impairments at a very young age, and then I went through my "rebellious" teen stage. By then, I have already absorbed a ton of American-English culture and language.)

It gets frustrating because people still do the "purist tests" on Latino/Hispanic. If one didn't speak Spanish or enough Spanish, then one was simply not Hispanic/Latino "enough". It felt like what my family did was never "enough".

I have a young sister who is very pale and could easily pass off as White non-Hispanic. She speaks much less Spanish than me, and loves the Northeastern States weather, so she often feels like she's not a "real" Hispanic/Latino, either.

Lol, cornflake, I definitely feel the language conflict, for sure! XD

I couldn't learn Spanish when I was little due to speech issues and other stuff getting in the way. My mother had a hard time getting me to speak anything in any language, let alone learn two languages. She also didn't want to overwhelm me more than I already was. Plus, she was too busy dealing with my other sister who had disabilities. Then she had my other sister who had Asperger's. She had her hands full. (My dad was not a talkative person, and he was a terrible "teacher", lol.)

I've tried taking Spanish classes, but I could only do the very basic Spanish I. Seeing my progress, both of my Spanish teachers were always encouraging me to try more advanced Spanish. Spanish II and III got too tough for me to memorize and absorb, so I ended up getting Cs in them...

Meanwhile, while I'm struggling and almost failing with Spanish, I got mostly As in English Grammar and Literature classes, lol. WTF? XD

I really do regret not being able to learn at a younger stage. It's much, much tougher to learn it now close to the age of 30. I don't know if it's my brain, but I can't seem to fully remember the vocab anymore.

I'm still trying to teach myself Spanish with Spanish grammar book and online courses to this day. I can do decent grammar for the most part. It's those advanced conjugations that are absolutely killing me. XD

ETA: And slang. I just can't do slang for shit.

kuwisdelu said:

I blame American culture. It's insidious and violent in how it forces other cultures to assimilate and conform or die. We're happy to shout about diversity as long as you look just like everybody else.

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While I totally get the history and accept this sentiment, I don't think it's just American pressures I'm dealing with.

In my situation, I'm dealing more with similar "conforming" pressures from my own kind (other Hispanic and Latino people). ^_^;; My family get all sorts of judgments from other Latino/Hispanic families for being too "American" or not being "true/real" Hispanic/Latinos, whatever that means.

It feels very frustrating. It's like I can only be one type of diversity and I have to fit entirely into that box.

There's this tv cooking competition show called Food Network Stars, and there is sometimes the one token "Latina" (and other cultures) in almost each season, I swear. And they seem required to have this heavy (over-done) accent, and over the top fake behavior to show they're Latina or something in order to be on this show, it feels like. Whenever they cook something that's not Latino/Hispanic, or whenever they don't talk "enough" about the Latina/Hispanic perspective/experience/background for every dish they cook, they are then scolded by the judges for not showing "enough" of their culture. >_<;; Everything about the whole thing feels like an exaggerated stereotype or caricature of what a "real" Latina is like.

Sorry, just something that's also been bugging me lately that's kind of identity-related.

I just...

I just wish the pushy types didn't make me want to push away from my heritage even more, lol. (I was like this during most of my teen years. Instead of convincing me to embrace my birth heritage culture, this kind of attitude actually turned me off and away for a long time. Same thing happened to my young much lighter-skinned sister.)

Still, if I were to think of history... Well, then, I guess it depends on how far back I want to think about, no?

Obviously, Kuwi's history of her people will differ from my...various...peoples...groups. Err...not sure which is my "original" group, or which one I should "follow" or "retain", because, well...

Puerto Ricans are not..."pure"-blood. I think.

I mean, we're technically descendants of a whole mix of different people during the colonization times, etc. There were indigenous peoples (Taino) already on the island when the Spainards came by, and then there was some interbreeding/intermarriage throughout the times, so....um... I'm not sure what my "native" people are, if my PR blood is already a mix of stuff. Ya know?

Then there's the whole weird status thing of PR being a "Commonwealth Territory of United States". There are still debates about this status, and whether PR should still remain with this status, or something like that.

It's times like this where I'm always confused if I should have something of the equivalent of the "white shame" (or something similar like "American shame"?) or not...?

I don't know. Like I said, I feel like a mutt without a home, when it comes to this kind of thing. I think I am very much "Americanized", but I feel I should not be ashamed of being such. I pretty much grew up in the various states of America, and I like it here.

Americans can have their own varied cultures, too, depending on the state, birth countries, ancestry, etc.

I would just like to be able to find my happy place here, in the United States, without feeling I have to be always angry or ashamed of being an American or feel bad about myself. (I don't think I'm in a Stockholm Syndrome situation, either.)

My birth island has never felt like my "home", so it makes me feel even more in limbo if I were to be angry at the place and culture I grew up in and associated as "home" (United States). I can't keep feeling guilty forever. It's just not emotionally healthy for me, personally.

I think I can still be happy with American stuff--while still being super-aware of the history.

At the same time, I am not responsible for what my ancestors (whichever they are?) did. I can't keep being berated for what they did.

I am here, and I am now. I'm a human being who's both like "them" and not like "them" (Americans).

I don't know... It's all a jumbled and complicated mess. Am I making any sense?

kuwisdelu said:

Yeah. It's different for all of us. It's definitely a complicated mess.

But the feeling of being caught between multiple cultures and not really knowing how to deal with it is definitely familiar for many of us.

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Yeah, it's definitely complicated. Gosh, is it ever complicated.

My own POC background is a mix of people from the results of colonization, so I can't really say I have a "pure" blood identity.

Also, I just my American home too much. ^_^

One thing I am sure of: I am not responsible for what ancient people or for what my parents or grandparents or great-great parents did, only responsible for my own actions in the present and in the future.

I can be aware of (and respect and never forget) my history and other histories, but I can't let that stuff negatively affect my current happiness and satisfaction with what I am.

I'm just me, in the here, in the now. I live here, now.

And I still love it, despite the complications and mixed feelings.

I feel good about being a Latino American now. I am a Latina bunny. :3

*hugs* Thanks, Roxxsmom. It's good for me to hear people with different perspectives and outlooks.

I've always had this identity crisis, so it's interesting to hear from others who are going through a similar thing (but maybe in different ways) as well as to hear from other people who usually do not go through this kind of stuff.

It's something to think about, for sure.

...But, Roxxsmom, I thought you said you were raised by wolves, lol! ;D

ETA: Thanks, everyone. I feel so much better about being a Hispanic/Latino American now.

ETA2: Just saw that Latinx is a thing now. Um, not for me, personally. I have enough identity issues on my plate now. I'm sticking with traditional Latina or Hispanic/Latino-American, for myself. That's it.