How to phrase conscise, direct, and informative sentences...

Sunbreaker2 · Mar 18, 2016

Hi everyone, i have a quick question on sentence phrasing, i am writing a timeline, but
i keep writing these long sentences to try and get the point across, is there a better way to
write them so that they give the intended point and are not too long at the same time?

Example : The Battle of Sol - The first major conflict during the invasion of the Solar System. A massive fleet of alien warships invade the inner system and make first contact with humanity. Though humanity beats them back, the aliens unleash a super weapon, taking over much of the technology humanity used, turning it against them. Though the battle ended in a devastating defeat for humanity, their attack had succeeded in damaging the invasion fleet to such an extent that the invasion of the inner worlds was stalled.

How would i take a long paragraph like this, which is actually in the timeline, and make it concise and short?

Thanks!

eskay · Mar 18, 2016

How short are you trying to go? Heading + 3 sentences seems a reasonable length assuming all these points are necessary:

- this is the first major conflict
- the aliens attack
- this is the first contact between the aliens and humans
- humanity beats them back
- aliens unleash superweapon
- superweapon harnesses human technology
- humans lose the battle
- alien fleet is damaged enough to slow their advance

I would first go through that list and figure out if you can drop any of those. Is it necessary to say that this is the first major conflict and first contact if there is no other mention of aliens previously? What about the superweapon, can that go somewhere else?

Once you don't feel like every sentence needs to say 3 things, it will be easier to stay concise.

Also you switch tense halfway through the paragraph so I would correct that.

jjdebenedictis · Mar 18, 2016

Sunbreaker2 said:
The Battle of Sol - The first major conflict ~~during the invasion of the Solar System.~~ after A ~~massive~~ fleet of alien warships invade the inner system ~~and make first contact with humanity~~. Though humanity beats them back, the aliens unleash a super weapon, ~~taking over~~ turning much of the technology humanity used ~~turning it~~ against them. Though ~~the battle ended in a devastating defeat for~~ humanity is defeated, their attack ~~had succeeded in damaging~~ damages the ~~invasion~~ fleet to such ~~an extent~~ that the invasion of the inner worlds ~~was stalled.~~ stalls

Strunk and White's best advice: Omit Needless Words.

Figure out which individual words you can leave out without changing what the sentence says. (Oddly enough, mucking around on Twitter or writing silly haiku helps you practice this art.) Also, let the reader infer things rather than explicitly stating them.

Sunbreaker2 · Mar 18, 2016

eskay said:
I would first go through that list and figure out if you can drop any of those. Is it necessary to say that this is the first major conflict and first contact if there is no other mention of aliens previously? What about the superweapon, can that go somewhere else?

Once you don't feel like every sentence needs to say 3 things, it will be easier to stay concise.

Also you switch tense halfway through the paragraph so I would correct that.

Oh, i didn't catch that i will fix the tense, as for the points the super weapon is part of this conflict, but i will try and drop some other things based on what you said...Thanks!

Sunbreaker2 · Mar 18, 2016

jjdebenedictis said:
Strunk and White's best advice: Omit Needless Words.

Figure out which individual words you can leave out without changing what the sentence says. (Oddly enough, mucking around on Twitter or writing silly haiku helps you practice this art.) Also, let the reader infer things rather than explicitly stating them.

yeah, based on the example you gave, and the advice eskay wrote, i see what you guys mean; cut needless words, and omit needless ideas.

Thanks guys for the advice! I shall take it to heart and shan't forget it!

Jamesaritchie · Mar 18, 2016

I don't see anything at all wrong with that paragraph, as long as what you're writing is a synopsis of the timeline.

blacbird · Mar 18, 2016

In the university English composition classes I teach, I found early on that overlong, overcomplicated, overwordy sentences were probably the most common problem for beginning students. So I try to get them to focus on the "focus" of the sentence: What one thing are you really trying to say here? What is the focus of the sentence?

And remember, there exists an infinite supply of punctuational periods in the universe. You won't run out. Stringing together clause after clause, with commas and conjunctions, results in sentences that have to be read and re-read and re-read in order to figure out what they mean. Every sentence really should have a single focus of expression. If you have more than one, chances are those should be broken apart into separate sentences.

Now, as to your example, other than the tense clumsiness already mentioned, it actually isn't all that bad, as a synopsis paragraph (I assume that's what you mean by "timeline"). I agree with JAR on this point. But, for actual story narrative, jjdebenedictis also makes a good point about letting the reader infer things. Too many inexperienced writers tend to get very "explainy". Concentrate on narrative the important stuff that happens, rather than over-analyzing it for the reader. Let the reader do that. It's a major part of the joy of the reading experience. Don't get wrapped up in giving the reader stage-direction.

caw

Sunbreaker2 · Mar 18, 2016

blacbird said:
In the university English composition classes I teach, I found early on that overlong, overcomplicated, overwordy sentences were probably the most common problem for beginning students. So I try to get them to focus on the "focus" of the sentence: What one thing are you really trying to say here? What is the focus of the sentence?

And remember, there exists an infinite supply of punctuational periods in the universe. You won't run out. Stringing together clause after clause, with commas and conjunctions, results in sentences that have to be read and re-read and re-read in order to figure out what they mean. Every sentence really should have a single focus of expression. If you have more than one, chances are those should be broken apart into separate sentences.

Now, as to your example, other than the tense clumsiness already mentioned, it actually isn't all that bad, as a synopsis paragraph (I assume that's what you mean by "timeline"). I agree with JAR on this point. But, for actual story narrative, jjdebenedictis also makes a good point about letting the reader infer things. Too many inexperienced writers tend to get very "explainy". Concentrate on narrative the important stuff that happens, rather than over-analyzing it for the reader. Let the reader do that. It's a major part of the joy of the reading experience. Don't get wrapped up in giving the reader stage-direction.

caw

You really know your stuff, because you nailed every little thing i find myself doing! i am going to save this post as a reminder for future reference. Thank you!

How to phrase conscise, direct, and informative sentences...

is watching you via her avatar