Please help me decide which of these two pieces to use for an intro to my short horror story book!
- Thread starter Galumph_Triumph
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Honestly? IMO ditch both. You say it yourself that these are "introductions", but I'd suggest you actually just get straight to the story. That's what readers want, isn't it?
3rd paragraph in the second example looks like it may be the start of one.
3rd paragraph in the second example looks like it may be the start of one.
Intros should be succinct and short. These are both too vague and too long to hold my interest, and the slightly pompous tone is off-putting. I'd probably skip both of these and move to the first story - or I might even decide not to read on at all.
P.S. I think you're missing a word (or words) in the second version - in this phrase: ...could find stable But now I feel that...
P.S. I think you're missing a word (or words) in the second version - in this phrase: ...could find stable But now I feel that...
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I'll be the semi-dessenting opinion here. I actually like the first one, and I despise the second one. The first one is too long and a little pompous, but length can be fixed and pompous can work if that shows up as a part of the character in the stories featuring him. I would leave the tone alone and work on keeping it while cutting some of the length.
I'm glad to have gotten all these responses. They're all definitely valuable to me. I'm hoping more people will share their opinion.
I would definitely agree that the first one is it a bit pompous. It's a depressed graduate student talking about the events that led him to where he is. I'll work on it
I would definitely agree that the first one is it a bit pompous. It's a depressed graduate student talking about the events that led him to where he is. I'll work on it
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Hi, I like horror novels and movies. Tbh, I think these two introductions didn't hold my interest. If just 10 of your stories are about the same character, then I don't think writing introduction is a good idea. Which one is creepier? Hmm, I think none of them since I have extreme tastes in classic and epic horror. 
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The second one is more interesting to me, because at least that introduces a character and a motivation. And as mrsmig pointed out, you are missing some words in the second one.
But I am firmly in the camp of those who say ditch both. As written, nothing is being served by these introductions, in my opinion they are pointless. "Set the tone for the book and introduce this central character" in the first story. Why do you feel you need an intro?
But I am firmly in the camp of those who say ditch both. As written, nothing is being served by these introductions, in my opinion they are pointless. "Set the tone for the book and introduce this central character" in the first story. Why do you feel you need an intro?
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To start with, I think both of them need another editing pass or two.
The first one has some atmosphere, but feels more like it's introducing a world, not a character. The second one just feels more like vague rambling.
My suggestion, dump both. I also think you should consider whether you really need, or should, start a collection with an introduction to a character that's only in 1/3rd of the stories. If you really think you need to stop and take time to explain more about the character and the world he lives in before people get to the actual stories, you may want to take another look at the stories themselves. Each one needs to stand on its own, and the idea that you need to explain things beforehand makes me think they really won't be able to.
Just my two cents.
The first one has some atmosphere, but feels more like it's introducing a world, not a character. The second one just feels more like vague rambling.
My suggestion, dump both. I also think you should consider whether you really need, or should, start a collection with an introduction to a character that's only in 1/3rd of the stories. If you really think you need to stop and take time to explain more about the character and the world he lives in before people get to the actual stories, you may want to take another look at the stories themselves. Each one needs to stand on its own, and the idea that you need to explain things beforehand makes me think they really won't be able to.
Just my two cents.
Thanks Shaun, these are definitely works in progress. We kind of drew them up pretty quickly so they're definitely messy. We are also trying to make sure each story stands on its own, and I think this has worked out for most of them, but not all just yet. We will keep these insights in mind
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