Where are all the ace AWers?

To be clear, my problem isn't with labels themselves as much as with people trying to push other people out of the labels roughly ten minutes after the labels were created. I'd much rather not play if that's the game.

I used to be really adverse to labels, and to a certain degree I'm still wary of them, but I've also realized that it's kind of nice to have one or two words to describe how I feel rather than needing to stumble through (knowing myself) a long, uncomfortable explanation of my sexuality. I also like that it makes it a bit easier to identify other people who feel similarly.

That said, I do agree that label policing is a problem, and that a lot of the quibbling over definitions is unproductive, especially since it means that people who are closer to the allosexual/alloromantic side of the spectrum get erased.

As for ace meaning "awesome," "bitchin," and variations on the same: I kind of love the fact that if someone doesn't know what the word means, when I say I'm ace I'm basically coming out as a badass.
"How do you identify?"
"Bitchin'." *points and snaps*

L. OBrien said:

I used to be really adverse to labels, and to a certain degree I'm still wary of them, but I've also realized that it's kind of nice to have one or two words to describe how I feel rather than needing to stumble through (knowing myself) a long, uncomfortable explanation of my sexuality. I also like that it makes it a bit easier to identify other people who feel similarly.

That said, I do agree that label policing is a problem, and that a lot of the quibbling over definitions is unproductive, especially since it means that people who are closer to the allosexual/alloromantic side of the spectrum get erased.

Click to expand...

This is also how I feel, too,

Ugh. I think I understand the label policing aspect, too (from lurking some LGBtQA and Ace boards). Some people go a little overboard (and become too inflexible) with the labels. I think it's a misuse of the labels to do that kind of behavior. (Feels like a form of bullying, depending on how it's done.)

I don't think people understand the word "spectrum", and that there is a wide variety in life, and that people can change along the spectrums as well. Some people are stubborn and rigid that way. (Lol, well, I can be stubborn and rigid as well, too.)

L. OBrien said:

As for ace meaning "awesome," "bitchin," and variations on the same: I kind of love the fact that if someone doesn't know what the word means, when I say I'm ace I'm basically coming out as a badass.
"How do you identify?"
"Bitchin'." *points and snaps*

Click to expand...

Werd.

bunny-gypsy said:

I don't think people understand the word "spectrum", and that there is a wide variety in life, and that people can change along the spectrums as well. Some people are stubborn and rigid that way. (Lol, well, I can be stubborn and rigid as well, too.)

Click to expand...

sexuality is very fluid and some people don't seem to get that. i'm very strict with labeling myself, but you shouldn't expect it of other people, you know? it took years before i figured out that i'm a demiromantic ace. when i was around 13, i believe i identified as bisexual. there's seriously nothing wrong with choosing one label and then changing your mind later because your interests have changed.

shivadyne said:

sexuality is very fluid and some people don't seem to get that. i'm very strict with labeling myself, but you shouldn't expect it of other people, you know? it took years before i figured out that i'm a demiromantic ace. when i was around 13, i believe i identified as bisexual. there's seriously nothing wrong with choosing one label and then changing your mind later because your interests have changed.

Click to expand...

Yes, exactly.

There was a time I used to think I was perhaps at least Bi(Romantic, at least, if not sexual). Maybe I still am, but I haven't felt anything romantic-ish towards real life guys yet. (Maybe it's part of my Demi-nature.)

Okay, I've browsed through all four pages of this thread, because it's a subject I'm kind of curious about, because I've wondered whether or not I fall under the label of Ace. But at the same time, I'm like, "You've never actually had sex, so how do you know?" The whole thing just confuses me. I went to WikiHow and Google, hoping they'd have an article that would help me understand a little better, but all the articles just confuse me more.

Because while I have yet to have sex, I thought that the whole point of it was that it was an expression of love and trust or that it's about a relationship, not just getting laid. But the articles seem to talk like if you don't constantly desire to get laid, than you're Ace. Though doesn't ring true to me. Or maybe I just like to think that non-Aces don't automatically want to do every attractive person who walks by, regardless of whether they've exchanged two words with them or not.

Needless to say, I'm baffled as hell and the more I think about it, the more confused I become. Someone want to help me out? Because given that I've had little if any experience in romantic relationships, I'm wondering if I can say anything for certain about my sexuality.

WikiHow link for those interested: http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Are-Asexual

Emermouse said:

Because while I have yet to have sex, I thought that the whole point of it was that it was an expression of love and trust or that it's about a relationship, not just getting laid. But the articles seem to talk like if you don't constantly desire to get laid, than you're Ace. Though doesn't ring true to me. Or maybe I just like to think that non-Aces don't automatically want to do every attractive person who walks by, regardless of whether they've exchanged two words with them or not.

Click to expand...

Sexuality is different for everyone. Use whatever label you feel comfortable with. Labels are just convenient words we use to describe ourselves, and nothing is exact.

Have you researched demisexuality? It's fairly common. A lot of people need to be emotionally bonded before they experience sexual attraction.

As a sexual person: if I want to show my partner that I love him, I buy him flowers and give him a backrub. The primary reason that I have sex is because I like having sex.

This is probably where the fluidity of the spectrum, and the flexibility of humans, come in.

I think there are also different interpretations of what it means to be sexually attracted, or romantically attracted, etc.

For me, I keep it simple. (This is something I personally set for myself only.)

I already know I'm sexually attracted to, and naturally drawn to females. I get turned on by sexy females. I asked myself, "Would I want a female to touch me in my happy spots?" Answer was, yes.

I consider myself Demi, I think, because I would want an emotional bond with someone before trusting them with my body.

I also thought to myself, "Ok, if this female friend you knew for some time asked to have fun, happy smexy times with me, would I go for it?" Found out the answer was, Yes, as well.

With males? Both answers to both questions are, absolutely not, lol.

However, I am not interested in smexy times, or a romantic partner, at the moment. I'm considering myself Gray because I can't just have sex for the sake of it. (I don't think I can do one-night sex, or promiscuous sexy times, for example.) I'm fine without both, for the moment.

Of course, perhaps that could be considered celibate instead of Gray A? This is where it gets, er, sticky, lol.

This could change, though. While I know I like women, I don't know if I'm misapplying the Gray A-label onto myself, since I'm not sexually active and all that, at the moment. Maybe I would end up liking it (particularly the smexy times with other women) more than I originally thought, lol.

Also remember that asexuality is about sexual attraction, not libido or enjoyment of sex. Some asexual people have a libido, some don't. Some like sex, some don't. Same with demisexuality.

I have very little libido these days (no more testosterone!) and generally need a strong spark of romantic attraction to feel sexual attraction. I'm not ace, but I lean demi, I think.

Either that or I just need more lesbian friends... Since I mostly think I'm demi because I have trouble relating to how other people experience sexual attraction.

Hmmm... What's tough for me to figure out is, what does it mean to be sexually attracted? The urge to want to have smexy times with a person you saw, or met? Is it like my one of my questions, "Do I want this person to touch me in the smexy way?"?

Or is it just to be turned on? (But isn't that libido?)

ETA: I'm guessing this is where things become...gray, instead of black and white, lol? XD

bunny-gypsy said:

Hmmm... What's tough for me to figure out is, what does it mean to be sexually attracted? The urge to want to have smexy times with a person you saw, or met? Is it like my one of my questions, "Do I want this person to touch me in the smexy way?"?

Click to expand...

I think so?

bunny-gypsy said:

Hmmm... What's tough for me to figure out is, what does it mean to be sexually attracted? The urge to want to have smexy times with a person you saw, or met? Is it like my one of my questions, "Do I want this person to touch me in the smexy way?"?

Or is it just to be turned on? (But isn't that libido?)

ETA: I'm guessing this is where things become...gray, instead of black and white, lol? XD

Click to expand...

I see sexual attraction and libido (or 'sex drive') as separable things. You can have a pretty normal libido (enjoying masturbation or the mechanics of sex etc.) but with no desire to externalise that drive towards another person (sexual attraction). There's also romantic attraction which is (probably??) different again. Romantic attraction is the emotional element. Libido is biological. Sexual attraction is ... Half and half? No idea. But it's sexual desire towards other people that differentiates sexuality from asexuality.

Emermouse said:

Needless to say, I'm baffled as hell and the more I think about it, the more confused I become. Someone want to help me out? Because given that I've had little if any experience in romantic relationships, I'm wondering if I can say anything for certain about my sexuality.

WikiHow link for those interested: http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Are-Asexual

Click to expand...

i mean, you don't have to be certain as long as you think it fits you for now. you can always change your mind if you find something that fits better later. and asexual people are all different so you don't have to be disinterested in sex to be ace. i definitely agree that you might want to look into demisexuality, though.

Asexuality is kind of hard to pin down because unless you find sex totally repulsive, you're trying to identify a lack of something. For me it just came out over time and across a couple of relationships that the label fit, and once I had that a couple of things about the way I interacted with people and thought about relationships sort of clicked together. It wasn't an immediate realization. More of a slow figuring out. I'd say try out the word and if it suits you it suits you, and if it doesn't, that's cool too. Regardless of what you call yourself, you're still the same person and you'll feel the same way, so pick whatever label (whether it's an ace label or an allosexual one) makes you the most comfortable.

I don't know that I'm asexual, but I would definitely say that I have a high sex drive and average capability for romantic attraction, but that I have very limited sexual attraction.

I do have some sexual attraction to women, but for all I find men attractive and develop crushes on them, I've never actually been interested in having sex with any. It's kind of inconvenient,because I think men are nice to look at. But the idea of kissing one or having sex with one just seems odd.

With women, it's more hit or miss.

Emermouse said:

WikiHow link for those interested: http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Are-Asexual

Click to expand...

Thanks! (I also found some other similar topics of interest, so double thanks!)
I like this part of the article:

Give it time. Some people instinctively know their sexuality early on; others discover it after years of reflection and experimentation. (Sexuality may change over time too.) Recognize that there is no deadline for determining your sexuality, and it's okay not to know

Click to expand...

Hey
I'm a homo romantic asexual. When I discovered AVEN at 16, I realized that it fit me and it was such a weird feeling. I thought I was strange for so long and even though I was young, I would always think about sex in a manner of "Do I really have to do that someday" Because I thought it would be something I would have to do. When I saw the definition I was just so surprised and I thought I was weird. I knew I liked women before I knew I was asexual, I don't know if thats unusual or not but I figure it's worth mentioning.
Anyways, I guess thats it. Haha.

EDIT: I realized some people on this thread were talking about relationships so I figured I'd add a bit about that. I've never dated anyone who was asexual, not because I don't want to, but because I've never met another ace. I've dated a couple sexual people, and my asexuality did become an issue to different extents. It depends on the people, and specifically for me, who (at that time) was not really willing to compromise in certain areas. I think compromise is key to relationships but I just felt really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I've changed my mind a bit within the last year or so (sorry if it's TMI) and think that in the future I may be open to it if I'm in a long term relationship. But, frankly, I'd like to have a way to find other Ace people who are open to dating easier. There are some dating sites, but i've found that they aren't very populated or active.

Hello! I'm new to AW, and this seems as good a place to start as any. I'm ace biromantic. I can't think of many explicitly ace characters off the top of my head. I tend to favor them in my fiction, like making the asexual the leader of the team of mech pilots just because I can. Plus if I ever get around to that high fantasy epic, boo two will totally have a siren seduce everyone else and it's up to the asexuals to save the day.

As for relationships, I have a boyfriend. He's cool.

Catsoclever said:

Hello! I'm new to AW, and this seems as good a place to start as any. I'm ace biromantic. I can't think of many explicitly ace characters off the top of my head. I tend to favor them in my fiction, like making the asexual the leader of the team of mech pilots just because I can. Plus if I ever get around to that high fantasy epic, boo two will totally have a siren seduce everyone else and it's up to the asexuals to save the day.

As for relationships, I have a boyfriend. He's cool.

Click to expand...

Welcome to AW, Catsoclever.

Good that your boyfriend is cool. ^_^

Asexual aromantic.

Fun fact: I actually tried to make a main character in one of my stories ace like me, but then he went and retroactively turned out to have been bi the whole time

Also asexual aromantic . . . and prone to committing bad slash fanfic. :shrug:

Alexys said:

Also asexual aromantic . . . and prone to committing bad slash fanfic. :shrug:

Click to expand...

Lol. Yay, another slash fan!

I just noticed something weird: I'm a sort of maybe-Gray Ace-maybe-lesbian or Bi (or just Bi-romantic?), and I usually tend to prefer gay male slash--or just sweet het romances if there's no gay male slash--over femme-slash in my fictional entertainment for some weird reason...

(I think it's because of a lot of female characters, and sometimes lesbian relationships, are usually represented in ways that are not to my taste in a lot of my entertainment.)

Latina Bunny said:

(I think it's because of a lot of female characters, and sometimes lesbian relationships, are usually represented in ways that are not to my taste in a lot of my entertainment.)

Click to expand...

You know, I was just reading someone's signature with a Toni Morrison quote about that:

"If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you have to write it"

Have I posted in here? I have a vague memory of it, but it seems like I'd just lurked and kept silent.

I've only been identifying as ace for a few months, actually. I went with demi before, and I'm still giving it some wiggle room there, but ace felt like it fit better after I thought through some stuff. Demi-pan-romantic, while on it.

Oh. As for relationships, mine is a bit less than functional recently, and me being ace (and generally not into physical contact of any sort) is a part of it. I wish I knew more ace people irl too.