Where are all the ace AWers?

LadyV

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Hi. I realize this thread hasn't been active for over a month, but I thought I'd add my story.

I just recently discovered I'm ace. A guy I was dating mentioned I might be since I wasn't showing much passion in our relationship. After it ended, I did some research on asexuality, discovering it described me perfectly. In the past I may have been more demi, but I've been on an antidepressant, I'm strictly ace. I'm still romantic and feel attraction towards men, and I would love to have a relationship, but I don't know if that's even possible now.
 

maxmordon

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I can share that feeling, LadyV. One of the things that scare me the most about starting a relationship is feeling I will not be able to reciprocate the love I receive.
 

StormChord

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LadyV, I'm in nearly exactly the same boat, although I suspect my romantic orientation is closer to pan than het. Hard to say, even harder to determine gender preference when sex is nowhere in the equation.

I've known I was ace (but NOT aro) for the better part of two years now, and although I'm not seeing a romantic relationship in my immediate future, I'd certainly LIKE one. I've been filling that particular void with multiple close friendships for now, but it's definitely not the same, and the lack of that particular influence in my life is starting to grate on me a little more these days.

Ironically, there's another ace girl at my university who's shown some degree of interest in me, although I have no idea what kind of relationship she wants. Signals are harder to send AND read when you're ace, I'm starting to notice. Regardless, it made me realize that the thought of a relationship right now actively scares me. I've got too much going on to let one person become my whole world.

But anyway, my advice is not to write off a relationship as impossible. Trust me, they can work. They're complicated and hard to classify, but I'm told MOST romantic relationships are like that. If someone loves you - the whole you - the fact that you're ace should just be another part of you that they like.
 

maxmordon

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I've been filling that particular void with multiple close friendships for now, but it's definitely not the same, and the lack of that particular influence in my life is starting to grate on me a little more these days.

I know that feeling. :/ It's really painful when said close friends start to develop relationships and you feel happy for them, but also sadness, frustration and jealousy because you feel you'll never have that for you.
 

LilyCookie

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I didn't realize that this thread was here. owo I'm ace too and it's really hard to write characters who aren't. I'm writing something of a love story right now and I think it seems very unrealistic but then again all love stories are.
 

kuwisdelu

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Okay, what is sexual attraction? Seriously. I'm not sure if I know or not.

Is sexual attraction meaningfully different from having a libido with aesthetic preferences?
 

Albedo

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Okay, what is sexual attraction? Seriously. I'm not sure if I know or not.

Is sexual attraction meaningfully different from having a libido with aesthetic preferences?
Asexuals aren't sexually attracted to other people by definition, but some have functional libidos, desire to masturbate, etc., just not focused on others. So I'd say they're distinct things.
 

Latina Bunny

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Okay, what is sexual attraction? Seriously. I'm not sure if I know or not.

Is sexual attraction meaningfully different from having a libido with aesthetic preferences?

Pretty sure some Aces can still mastubate, if that's what you're asking? (Though I hear there's debate within the Ace online communities on what constitutes as ace or Grey, etc.)
 

kuwisdelu

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I know asexual people can have libidos, and some enjoy sex, albeit without sexual attraction.

I ask because I have a libido and I feel romantic attraction, but frankly I have no idea if I experience sexual attraction or not.

I've kind of thought of myself as demisexual, but I'm not sure if I actually feel what is commonly called "sexual attraction" or if I just feel romantic attraction and also happen to like sex.

How do I know if I am sexually attracted to someone, as opposed to feeling romantic attraction and also enjoying sex?
 

EMaree

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Yesterday was my first session with a therapist, she found it odd that I didn't have sexual intercouse as a primary object as many of my age. :(

About 40% from column A and 60% from column B. I tried to explain her that I can do have sex, but just feel I need an emotional bond to do so with said partner. She said she felt I had a juvenile conception of sex.

I'm super late to this thread, sorry, and I'm not ace, but just wanted to fiercely second all the get a new therapist calls.

When I was 15 and in therapy for depression, I confided in my therapist that I was also attracted to women. She immediately started talking to me in very graphic detail about lesbian sex acts, and when I was obviously uncomfortable with this she told me I wasn't *really* attracted to women and it was just a phase.

I'm still working on recovering from the damage that caused. The wrong therapist can be incredibly harmful.
 
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tiggs

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I tried to explain her that I can do have sex, but just feel I need an emotional bond to do so with said partner. She said she felt I had a juvenile conception of sex.
Whoa.

I'm forty *mumbles something*, with two children, divorced and remarried -- and I've felt the way you've just described, my entire life. I thought that was mainstream.

I mean, sure, I know that there are people who think differently. Take Barney, on How I met your Mother, for example -- but I thought that was the exception, not the rule.

Apparently, not so much.

With the exception of two long-standing celebrity crushes, from back when I was in primary school -- there's no way that I could be sexually attracted to someone without feeling emotionally connected to them. Just couldn't happen. I couldn't ever do the one-night stand thing, for example.

And, sure -- I know physically beautiful when I see it. There are lots of celebrities today that I'd classify as physically beautiful, but I don't have any particular desire to have sex with them. Physical beauty is a temporary illusion, a fleeting glamour that's just skin deep. True beauty comes from within. I'm not interested in how someone looks, I'm interested in who they actually are.

A few people have told me that I have sex confused with love. Perhaps that's true.

So -- I'm possibly a Demisexual? This thread is the first time I've encountered that word, but the definition does seem to fit.
 

Leeland

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Hi there! Aroace. It took me a long time to realize I was aro because I knew I wanted a relationship, I just didn't know I didn't want a romantic relationship.

I'm currently in a platonic partnership with my best friend. It's a bit unusual, but it works.

I find that I'm often interested in kink without sex. I understand kink, I can even enjoy it. But when it turns to sex, I'm out. No desire.

In my case it's possible that my asexuality is brought on by neurodivergence (autism, OCD, depression, etc.), but I don't see my asexuality as being a problem or something to fix. I would like to get rid of my OCD and intrusive thoughts surrounding sex and sexuality, but I don't see any need in my life to desire sex. I'm perfectly happy without it.

When writing, I often make the mistake of assuming that all of my characters are asexual and/or aromantic, without ever actually expressing this. I struggle to find anything fulfilling about writing sex or romance. With that said, I've got a novel on the back burner that features an explicitly asexual character (a vampire who is very frustrated by the emphasis on sex in vamp culture).
 

yourgigishorrible

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Here... maybe. I'm still finding out whether I'm ace (love the sound of that, though) or not: I can feel sexual attraction, I just don't really have a sex drive. The activity itself is... meh. More fun for the heck of it than a fantastic experience. Then again it could be the "experiences" themselves that were lacking. I don't know.

Oh, and this:
I'm currently in a platonic partnership with my best friend. It's a bit unusual, but it works.
sounds really nice :D
 
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Keobooks

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I'm ace and agender. After being on ace forums, I'd rather not talk about my own experience with sexuality because and participated in too many threads that turned into flame wars over the most stupid things. People will pick fights and try to claim that tou can't be ace unless you think about sex exactly the same way that they do. It's a mess and I don't think I'll ever go back to those forums.

I'm also not much into reading blogs about it because few of them go deeper than, "Yes, we DO exist!" And then they make several posts obsessing about not wanting to have sex. I've got way too many other interests out there than to read that over and over.

Sorry if this sounds complaining and negative, but I'm still burnt out on the scene. But there are lots of folk like me out there who are ace but aren't outspoken. I'm not in the closet, it's just that there's not much to hide worth talking about for me!

I don't know it it affects my writing. I am currently writing fantasy with queer characters of all different stripes. But I don't set out to do it. I just kept writing about this one character and then I realized that he was gay. He wasn't when I first started writing him. My characters like to think about sex and have it much more than I do. I don't know what's up with that.
 

rwm4768

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The more research I do, the more I think I might be ace. I've never really understood the big deal about sex. Sure, I enjoy the physical sensation, but I've never once thought about having sex with somebody. I had one girlfriend my first time in college. We were definitely dating, but we never kissed or even got close to thinking about sex. So maybe I'm also aromantic. I don't know. I could also be demisexual, and I just didn't get quite close enough for the sexual attraction to form.

But if I'm completely honest, I've always felt like an outsider when it comes to sex. Everyone else is always talking about it. I can say someone is hot, and I certainly find certain people to be attractive from a purely aesthetic standpoint, but I never want to have sex with them. When I read a sex scene in a book, I often wonder why the author bothered to include it. Why are you stopping the story for something so boring?

I'm not sure if I can come out as ace to my family. Whenever I hint at it, I usually get a response along the lines of "Oh, that's just your psych meds." No, it isn't. I didn't feel sexual attraction before the psych meds, and I'm still perfectly capable of feeling pleasure from sex on the meds. But it's just a pleasurable feeling, kind of like eating something that tastes good. It's nice, but it's not a major focus in my life. I just don't think I could ever come out because it's one thing to be gay; at least gay people are interested in sex. It's another to claim you don't care for the idea at all. People will look at you like you're an alien.

Then, of course, I have another issue. I want to have a wife and kids at some point. Is that normal among people who are ace? Again, it's not about the sex. I just want the feeling that comes with having a family.
 

AW Admin

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You know, you don't have to come out to anyone expect possible romantic/sexual partners.

If you want to, sure, but it's not compulsory.

Not declaring which areas of the Bento box are yours doesn't mean you're in the closet; I think sometimes people forget the origins of the phrase.

It meant hiding in the closet.

There's a difference between hiding (from yourself/others) and privacy.

We all have a right to privacy.
 

Greene

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Then, of course, I have another issue. I want to have a wife and kids at some point. Is that normal among people who are ace? Again, it's not about the sex. I just want the feeling that comes with having a family.

I've long since given up because I can't imagine finding a relationship where sex/romance wasn't an issue, but I have always wanted a family. You're definitely not alone.

(I think being ace runs in my family, if that's even possible. I've got an uncle and a late aunt who I'm pretty sure were both ace. They both got married. Aunt would have probably had kids too, if she'd lived long enough.)
 

L. OBrien

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You know, you don't have to come out to anyone expect possible romantic/sexual partners.
...
We all have a right to privacy.

Seconded. It drives me crazy that people who I'm not romantically involved with act like they have a right to know my sexual preferences (or lack thereof). What you tell people about what you do or don't do in your bedroom is totally up to you. And I mean, the blessing and curse of asexuality is that ace relationships are indistinguishable from allosexual ones to the casual observer.

And the wanting a family/relationship thing isn't weird at all. First, 99.9% of having a family has nothing to do with sex. I personally find the idea of pregnancy squicky, but I've considered adopting, since being ace doesn't necessarily mean that you want to live alone. Second, asexuality is a neat label that describes how you feel. It shouldn't proscribe your feelings, and you shouldn't limit what you want based on what's "acceptable" for an orientation.
 

Latina Bunny

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I can't remember if I had mentioned it (whether in this thread or in another thread), but the more I research it, the more I think I may be considered along the lines of the Gray A spectrum. (My sister considers herself Ace and and maybe Aro. However, she's on the autism spectrum, so I don't know if that is a factor. She is disgusted by sex and dislikes being romanced.)

I heard people can be pretty fluid and can change along the various spectrums, even throughout their lives, and I think I am pretty flexible on this particular spectrum.

I am definitely attracted to women (lesbian), but I'm not really interested in any partnered sex so far, in my life.

I think I may be Demisexual, and I can't imagine having sex, just for the sake of it, without any kind of emotional bonding involved.

Maybe if I find the right person, I would be more interested in sex and/romance.

For now, though, I never felt the desire for romance and/or sex in my entire life, so meh. I would like to get a soulmate in the future, but at the moment, I'm not frantic or worried about not finding anyone. *shrugs* I can live without the partnered sex and "romance" (for now).

Ironic, since I do read (and watch) romantic and erotic stuff in my entertainment, lol. :p

I do want children in the future, though. I can probably live my lifetime without the sexual/romantic partner, but I really do want to have my own kids, someday. :)
 
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Latina Bunny

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I'm on the spectrum, and I'm not ace. Though I probably lean demisexual.

Ah, I see. :) Thanks.

I guess it's different for different people, because, it (autism) is a spectrum, like anything else in life that's not rigid. I'll have to research some more about autism, because I have been working a lot with a broad range of autism students at elementary school.

Regarding the Ace thing, I think I am somewhat Ace, for the moment. As in, I personally never, ever have been interested in partnered sex in my entire life, so far. I'm not disgusted by the thought of it, but I'm neutral about it. It's not better than, say, chocolate or other sweets, for me, at the moment. I'll take the sweets, thanks.

I also never cared for romantic relationships, either. I still don't, at the moment. I don't usually like the drama that people sometimes bring with them, lol. (Also, there are some gendered expectations or romantic gestures I don't care for.) I like some romantic gestures, and it would feel nice to do some physical stuff, like cuddling/snuggling/nuzzling/etc, but I'm not into romance right now, at this point in my life.

Which is hilarious, considering that I read/watch and even enjoy quite a bit of Romances, or romantic subplots in my entertainment. :p

However, that probably explains why I tend to love gentle, sometimes low-key, lighter MG stuff a lot: less romance, less drama, less sex (duh), lol. XD
 
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BenPanced

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I actually want to take a moment to thank the discussion in this thread for helping expand my vocabulary. When I saw "ace" in the title, I was wondering why somebody was asking specifically in the QUILTBAG pages where all the hoopy froods are; I thought "ace" was in the terms of "groovy", "far out", "bitchin'", :Thumbs:, "crazy old cat". That sort of ace. I didn't know it was shorthand/nickname/diminutive. Since this thread started, "ace" has turned up in my sphere many times; I'd just never noticed it before.
 

Albedo

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I run hard from labels. Mostly because of what Keobooks describes: I don't want to have to buy into arguments over identity just because a word might be a useful adjective. Especially if those arguments are all about drawing up lists of people and crossing names off. I mean, I realise that having in-groups and out-groups is a human universal. When language evolved, the very first spoken words were "hey, those guys over there can't talk. Let's get 'em!" But for it to be happening when asexual identity itself is so nascent? Jesus, people. There isn't a rule book for human sexuality. Give it a rest.

I can't make my mind up if asexual people form an 'invisible minority', or one that's screamingly obvious, but that gets filtered out of people's perceptions? Like, is it possible to be 'sexual-presenting asexual', or is that just a thing because people assume everyone is sexual? What would be the 'signs', anyway? Looking bored during TV/movie sex scenes? Maybe that's just bashfulness, or maybe it's just a terrible sex scene. You'd think an enduring lack of interest in relationships (or sexual cues from others) would be obvious, but my experience suggests otherwise. Maybe my family are too polite to ask why I don't talk about relationships. Maybe they're just that oblivious. Maybe they actually kind of get it by now, and I'm the one who's oblivious ...
 
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Latina Bunny

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I'm the opposite, lol. XD

I like having some kind of label. I like to knowing what I'm dealing with (in terms of myself). I don't know, but it gives me a sense of control of my identity. I don't like vague stuff, and I like to know what's going on with me. I feel lost, otherwise. If that makes sense? As someone who gets anxious when she doesn't know anything and don't feel at all powerful, it gives me a sense of empowerment.

I'm also not interested in arguing the validity of my identity, especially with such fluid spectrums, so if someone has a problem with what I self-identify myself as, they can just step off, lol. :p

I'm Gray A (and lesbian). And I'm fine with that. Not going to argue about the labels. It is who I am.

(Even if someone hates labels, I would hope that they would respect my right to my self-identifying labels. They can get rid of their own labels, but I will fight for my own. Lol, sometimes I'm more bothered by people who want to destroy/get rid of labels than the, er, labellers themselves. XD Like that "colorblind"/"race blind" mentality.)
 
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