Where are all the ace AWers?

That's just it, I didn't know if there WAS a difference or not.

I'm on medication for depression anyway, but even before that, what passed for my libido was low. And attempts at PiV intercourse HURT despite everything we did so that didn't help my desires. Turned out I also have vulvodynia.

Thankfully, my doctors are considerate and understanding.

JetFueledCar said:

Asexual means no sexual attraction. It does not mean no desire to masturbate, no ability to get aroused, etc. Plenty of asexual people masturbate or read erotica to get aroused. Asexual people are also perfectly capable of enjoying sex with other people (some of us, anyway; I'm not. I find sex boring at best and gross at worst). There's a range within asexuality of having a libido and being able to enjoy sex and wanting to masturbate versus not having a libido and not being able to enjoy sex and not wanting to masturbate (again, I'm the latter). But the myths surrounding asexuality mean that not everyone might know these things, and not everyone might realize that just because they enjoy masturbating doesn't mean they're not asexual.

But as I said it's totally up to each individual person how they identify, and if RedRajah is uncomfortable with it they're under no obligation to identify as asexual.

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I think I worded my question wrong. I'm aware some asexual people do have libidos (one of my erotica beta readers is ace, ironically). And I know some asexual people still enjoy orgasms. Because, well, orgasms.

But if someone doesn't have a libido, aren't they always asexual? How can a person with no libido be sexual? That's where I'm confused.

Of course, no one is under any obligation to identify as anything. I just feel kinda ignorant about certain things.

EDIT: whoops, disregard that lab rat comment. Sorry, mistook you for someone else. Man, today is just not a good day for me.

RedRajah said:

That's just it, I didn't know if there WAS a difference or not.

I'm on medication for depression anyway, but even before that, what passed for my libido was low. And attempts at PiV intercourse HURT despite everything we did so that didn't help my desires. Turned out I also have vulvodynia.

Thankfully, my doctors are considerate and understanding.

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Gotcha.

Good luck on your quest for personal identity.

I see what you're saying. Thanks for helping clarify.

Viridian said:

(one of my erotica beta readers is ace, ironically).

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Another one? You should market to aces. Apparently we love your work.

On the no libido = asexual thing, that's interesting. Because I'm an ace with a libido, I often find it annoying when people assume asexual = no libido, that asexual means I can never have / want orgasms etc. I never really thought about it the other way around, but it certainly makes sense.

slashedkaze said:

Another one? You should market to aces. Apparently we love your work.

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Hahaha. I guess I've had two asexual betas, then. And you two were the ones that gave me the most positive feedback on that story. That's such an odd coincidence.

Buzhidao offered to read that story, but I felt weird asking her to since there was so much sex. Shows what I know.

Yesterday was my first session with a therapist, she found it odd that I didn't have sexual intercouse as a primary object as many of my age.

Max, I sincerely hope your therapist takes the opportunity to educate herself.

Viridian, that's funny. I'll admit, I like kinky stuff better than 'just' sex. It's the power dynamics that fascinate me, in a way.

maxmordon said:

Yesterday was my first session with a therapist, she found it odd that I didn't have sexual intercouse as a primary object as many of my age.

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That sucks. Odd as in "oh, I've never heard of asexuality before," or odd as in "oh, there must be something wrong with you"?

slashedkaze said:

Max, I sincerely hope your therapist takes the opportunity to educate herself.

Viridian, that's funny. I'll admit, I like kinky stuff better than 'just' sex. It's the power dynamics that fascinate me, in a way.

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I'm similar. I'm only interested in BDSM, with or without sex. Plain vanilla sex? Zero interest. Powerplay? You have my attention.

I'm also interested on kinky stuff and power play...

Viridian said:

That sucks. Odd as in "oh, I've never heard of asexuality before," or odd as in "oh, there must be something wrong with you"?

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About 40% from column A and 60% from column B. I tried to explain her that I can do have sex, but just feel I need an emotional bond to do so with said partner. She said she felt I had a juvenile conception of sex.

maxmordon said:

I'm also interested on kinky stuff and power play...



About 40% from column A and 60% from column B. I tried to explain her that I can do have sex, but just feel I need an emotional bond to do so with said partner. She said she felt I had a juvenile conception of sex.

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Whoa. That's a pretty judgmental statement from a therapist.

I find it really interesting that you guys are interested in kinky-type stuff. I'm sexual (bisexual) but I don't experience sexual or romantic attraction outside of BDSM. I can see and understand it, and I like attractive people, and sometimes I can even feel a faint pull, but... that's pretty much it.

Inside BDSM, though, the sexual (and romantic) feelings are really intense.

maxmordon said:

I'm also interested on kinky stuff and power play...



About 40% from column A and 60% from column B. I tried to explain her that I can do have sex, but just feel I need an emotional bond to do so with said partner. She said she felt I had a juvenile conception of sex.

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OMG, that's terrible!

But I'm not surprised. People who aren't interested in sex (or can't have sex or needs emotional bonds before sex, etc) tend to get this kind of crappy treatment. It's like the opposite of the slut-shaming spectrum: people who haven't had sex or not interested in sex, etc, tend to get shamed for that.

I myself got weird looks as a teen who wasn't interested in sex with any strangers or really anybody I knew at the time. "You need to get laid, girl!/Sex is soo awesome, maybe I can hook you up with [random hot dude], etc".

So much peer pressure to have sex, especially as one got older.

I hated the peer pressure of that, and I stayed strong against such comments. I'm never in the mood for sex (besides self-pleasure), so I get pissy at anyone who thinks everyone needs to have sex to be considered a "normal"/"healthy" human being, and so on.

Holy molly! I was editing some of the short stories from my old laptop that I had saved on my e-mail. One of them is about a woman who lives in a society where everyone sees everyone through webcams and she keeps getting preassured by her friends and relatives to engage in sex and/or masturbation. At the end, she can only get off from BDSM fantasies while everyone else is distracted by a terrorist attack.

JetFueledCar: People have told me I'm probably demisexual for a while now...

bunny-gypsy said:

OMG, that's terrible!

But I'm not surprised. People who aren't interested in sex (or can't have sex or needs emotional bonds before sex, etc) tend to get this kind of crappy treatment. It's like the opposite of the slut-shaming spectrum: people who haven't had sex or not interested in sex, etc, tend to get shamed for that.

I myself got weird looks as a teen who wasn't interested in sex with any strangers or really anybody I knew at the time. "You need to get laid, girl!/Sex is soo awesome, maybe I can hook you up with [random hot dude], etc".

So much peer pressure to have sex, especially as one got older.

I hated the peer pressure of that, and I stayed strong against such comments. I'm never in the mood for sex (besides self-pleasure), so I get pissy at anyone who thinks everyone needs to have sex to be considered a "normal"/"healthy" human being, and so on.

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Completely agree. I think I will remain with her cautiously to see how it goes since I have already made clear that developing romantic relationships is not one of my main objectives. Believe me, this was an improvement to my previous attempt to find a therapist. She thought I was autistic after talking with me for a few minutes.

JetFueledCar said:

What I'm noticing from this thread is that my ability to enjoy sex by proxy (as in reading erotica) is not unusual among aces. Which is good, because I thought I was a freak for it.

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Labels of sexual orientation are for your linguistic convenience only. They do not define what you are allowed to feel.

buzhidao said:

Labels of sexual orientation are for your linguistic convenience only. They do not define what you are allowed to feel.

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This. This so much.

As to the topic...I don't consider myself ace (I do experience sexual attraction and enjoy sex and from time to time desire it--though due to depression, my libido currently is close-to-zero), but I am demi-bordering-aromantic. I don't get crushes. I don't fall in love. I can love people in the romantic sense, but even then it's not the "can't think of anything else, butterflies in my stomach" type love and only happens with people I already know fairly well.

JetFueledCar said:

Asexual means no sexual attraction. It does not mean no desire to masturbate, no ability to get aroused, etc. Plenty of asexual people masturbate or read erotica to get aroused. Asexual people are also perfectly capable of enjoying sex with other people (some of us, anyway; I'm not. I find sex boring at best and gross at worst). There's a range within asexuality of having a libido and being able to enjoy sex and wanting to masturbate versus not having a libido and not being able to enjoy sex and not wanting to masturbate (again, I'm the latter). But the myths surrounding asexuality mean that not everyone might know these things, and not everyone might realize that just because they enjoy masturbating doesn't mean they're not asexual.

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Hmm. Interesting. Since discovering demisexuality, I've thought of myself as being somewhere on that spectrum, but could never fully relate to asexuality. I always thought it meant a lack of sex drive, which is why I couldn't relate to it.

Because I love sex. I think about sex a lot. I have a very high sex drive.

I like having sex with other people.

But it's very rare for me to be sexually attracted to other people. It does happen, every once in a blue moon, usually shortly followed or preceded by suddenly and completely falling love. (It's hard to tell which attraction comes first.) It's happened maybe three or four times in my life.

However, I still like sex enough that I'll have sex with people I'm not attracted to. I usually feel kind of crappy afterward. I know this. But I often find myself feeling lonely and horny enough that I do things I regret afterward, anyway. It's kind of a problem I have.

I always thought most people were like that, though.

slashedkaze said:

I'll admit, I like kinky stuff better than 'just' sex.

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Same here. Though I do enjoy some good vanilla every once in a while.

maxmordon said:

Holy molly! I was editing some of the short stories from my old laptop that I had saved on my e-mail. One of them is about a woman who lives in a society where everyone sees everyone through webcams and she keeps getting preassured by her friends and relatives to engage in sex and/or masturbation. At the end, she can only get off from BDSM fantasies while everyone else is distracted by a terrorist attack.

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Two years ago, I wrote a short story about a girl who is feeling pressured into sex by her boyfriend. She's into bondage, but unsure about sex. She suggests he can tie her up, but over her clothes, and without having sex. He leaves her, thinking she's weird. It's also about a boy who loves her, who ends up tying her up, and who may or may not end up having sex with her.

Weirdly enough, this was inspired by the last girl I had a crush on (two years ago). She was a serial monogamist, and rejected me when I asked her out when I caught her briefly single. I asked a mutual friend about her, and he said there was something "weird" about her, "sexually", but didn't say more than that. I wrote it trying to imagine what that could mean.

Does anyone ever gets jealous while going to the cinema or some other place and seeing couples hugging and kissing? Do you ever feel teary and feel nobody will ever do that to you?

maxmordon said:

Does anyone ever gets jealous while going to the cinema or some other place and seeing couples hugging and kissing? Do you ever feel teary and feel nobody will ever do that to you?

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Yeah.

I'm a little bit late to this party, but I wanted to drop in and say: Hi! I'm Amalie and I'm an aromantic asexual, far as I can tell. There are certain people I find aesthetically pleasing, but that doesn't mean I want to do anything about it. Like, ever. And romance? Completely baffling. I believe others when they say they experience it, and I've tried to listen and pay attention so I can understand my friends and family (and write romantic relationships as believably as possible), but it's like studying an alien culture for me.

Interestingly, I believe it runs in my family--my paternal grandmother and paternal aunt both seem to be/have been aro ace. They both got married due to social and family expectations; aunt was unhappy and died in an accident shortly after, whereas grandmother's relationship was initially rocky but evolved into deep trust and devotion despite the lack of romance.

I both read and write about ace people. My first novel, which is YA, has an aromantic asexual MC (Lili) who is just figuring out who she is, and struggling because all her peers are experiencing these Strong Feelings she doesn't have. While Lili wouldn't necessarily want to change herself, it does sometimes make her feel alien and left out. (This is a small subplot--the book is fantasy.)

My favorite book I've read so far with an asexual MC was R. J. Anderson's Ultraviolet, though her MC isn't aromantic. I've yet to read a book with a character that is clearly identified as an aromantic asexual.

I'm ace and aro/grey-aro (there's a bit of confusion there). Everyone looking forward to AAW?

I've written some ace characters, including the MC of my current WIP. I'm sex-repulsed, though, and never write sex scenes so I guess my stories seem quite asexual whether they're about asexual characters or not.

I know of quite a few books that feature asexual characters. I specifically hunt them down and am always on the look out for more because I do a weekly showcase of representation on an asexual/aromantic/agender support blog I'm a part of.

I'm asexual.

I'm also married, and didn't know I was asexual (didn't even know it was a thing to be) until after I was married. That was kind of a learning curve.... but we're best friends. We make it work.

I don't think no libido inherently equals asexual. It's quite common for someone with a healthy sex drive to lose it for varying lengths of time due to fluctuating hormones, stress, poor sleep, etc. For the first couple of years of my marriage, I just assumed that was my problem (got pregnant right away and then had two kids in two years), but nope. This is just the way I am.

I'm an aromantic asexual, who enjoys erotica and finds orgasms very nice. <tmi?>
But outside of text I just don't find sex interesting.