superfluous words or not.

agree with the second suggestion. For the first one, I think drumming is an awkward verb to use in that way and would replace it completely. Hope that helps.

ave said:

I need some advice on the following sentence:

When Kate's body was wheeled out her room with the rain drumming the plastic sheet that covered her, whispers began to spread across the town.

Now the following changes have been suggested:

When Kate's body was wheeled out of her room with the rain drumming down on the plastic sheet that covered her, whispers began to spread throughout town.

I'm wondering if you would agree?

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It's a really awkward sentence, but how about:

When Kate's body was wheeled out of her room with the rain drumming on the plastic sheet that covered her, whispers began to spread through the town.

I think the second sentence reads better.

"wheeled out her room" is not a syntax I've encountered. "Out of" is what I'd expect. If I twist my brain, I can kind of see using "drumming" in that sense, but it's definitely non-traditional. "On" or "down on" makes more sense to me. The third one doesn't bother me so much.

ave said:

I need some advice on the following sentence:

When Kate's body was wheeled out her room with the rain drumming the plastic sheet that covered her, whispers began to spread across the town.

Now the following changes have been suggested:

When Kate's body was wheeled out of yes, definitely her room with the rain drumming down on only "on" is necessary there the plastic sheet that covered her, whispers began to spread throughout town "across" worked fine, IMO.

I'm wondering if you would agree?

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I am in partial agreement with that edit.

Yair . . .

I find it almost impossible to comment on such conundrums because the sentences are (to my eyes) awkward and so different to how I would naturally convey the information.

I believe the first version is almost there, the second not so much.

Try "from" instead of the awkward "out of" . . .

"When Kate's body was wheeled from her room, rain drumming on the plastic cover sheet, whispers began to spread."

Cheers.

scrub puller said:

Try "from" instead of the awkward "out of" . . .

"When Kate's body was wheeled from her room, rain drumming on the plastic cover sheet, whispers began to spread."

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'From her room' is a good suggestion but 'out of' is a standard usage and wouldn't strike me as being unusual or awkward.

Using "of" is just basic grammar, and more basic composition. I've never even heard anyone speak that awkwardly, let along write that way. The changes are all good, but
I would find an alternative for "drumming". Rain doesn't drum on a plastic sheet. It might "patter", but not drum.

"Across" is colloquial, but certainly acceptable.

Jamesaritchie said:

Rain doesn't drum on a plastic sheet. It might "patter", but not drum.

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Why do you believe "drum" to be inappropriate here? One of Merriam-Webster's definitions for the verb form of "drum" is "to make a sound by hitting a surface over and over again."

I don't see either "patter" or "drum" as more correct than the other, but they suggest to me rather different intensities of rain. You should base your verb choice on how you want the reader to perceive the rain.

WWWalt said:

I don't see either "patter" or "drum" as more correct than the other, but they suggest to me rather different intensities of rain. You should base your verb choice on how you want the reader to perceive the rain.

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Much as I hate to admit it, I believe James has the right of it. No matter how intense of a rain, that wouldn't produce "drumming" on a plastic sheet. Rain might drum on a tin roof or a tin bucket, but not on plastic. It would patter, IMO. I may be wrong and James too. But since we've got you outnumbered two-to-one the odds are against it ;-)

I've heard English people drop prepositions in speech. I could totally imagine such a person saying 'wheeled out her room' - but I think in general narration is best when it's clear. The other omission of prepositions was surprising to me. In any case... Also, I was ok with rain drumming on a plastic sheet - though I do see why some would prefer a different word. For me the drumming made me think of really intense rain.

'Wheeled out her room' is probably valid in some dialects, but it's not standard written English. If your narration was consistently in dialect it'd be fine, IMO.

As for rain drumming on plastic, it depends on how tight the plastic is stretched as much as how heavy the rain is, surely.

Layla Nahar said:

I've heard English people drop prepositions in speech. I could totally imagine such a person saying 'wheeled out her room' - but I think in general narration is best when it's clear. The other omission of prepositions was surprising to me. In any case... Also, I was ok with rain drumming on a plastic sheet - though I do see why some would prefer a different word. For me the drumming made me think of really intense rain.

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I liked that they went for something a bit more original by using drumming, but the composition of the sentence and the use of the word was just awkward together and made the rhythm off.

Ken said:

No matter how intense of a rain, that wouldn't produce "drumming" on a plastic sheet. Rain might drum on a tin roof or a tin bucket, but not on plastic. It would patter, IMO. I may be wrong and James too. But since we've got you outnumbered two-to-one the odds are against it ;-)

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Technically, two to two, since it's you and James vs. me and Merriam-Webster. Seriously, though, I'd like to understand why you think that's incorrect. Do you think the dictionary is misstating the definition? Or do you believe "to make a sound by hitting a surface over and over again" doesn't correctly describe this situation?

In any case, the literal meaning is only one aspect to consider. Even disregarding the dictionary, if the phrase works metaphorically to produce a clear image in the reader's mind, it's OK if it's not literally accurate.

guttersquid said:

When Kate's body was wheeled out of her room, rain drumming on the plastic sheet that covered her, whispers began to spread across town.

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A similar suggestion:

When Kate's body was wheeled out of her room, the rain drumming the covering plastic sheet, whispers began to spread across the town.

WWWalt said:

Technically, two to two, since it's you and James vs. me and Merriam-Webster.

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I'm with you, WWWalt.

Joe waited for his coffee, drumming his fingers on the counter top.