The Importance of Allies

Feels good after years and years of feeling alone.

Thank you for posting this. I've considered myself an ally since college at least (when our bisexual RA gave a presentation about the issues faced by LGBT people). Even though I consider myself heterosexual and cisgender, I've never felt like I quite fit in with the "normal" gender roles and values of our society, so the issues really just resonate with me. So many of the arguments against transgender people and people who experience same-sex attraction are based on very narrow, rigid concepts of gender roles, religion (and its place in directing public discourse and legislation) and sexuality that are actually an insult to many heterosexual people too.

But also, I just can't stand bullies who say that people who aren't hurting anyone shouldn't be allowed to live their lives. I've seen too many nice people hurt by prejudice.

But I've wondered sometimes if I should just shut up. As a woman, I know it feels good to have a guy turn around and tell one of his sexist male buddies he's being a sexist idiot, because yes, sometimes I get so tired of arguing when the goal posts keep getting moved, and after a while, I realize the person saying sexist stuff just hasn't heard a thing I said, whether I use logic, emotion, anecdote, or scientific data to try and refute what they're saying.

But I don't know if everyone else agrees. I worry that my attempts to explain about things like asexuality, bisexuality, transgender identities and so on to straight friends and relatives who don't really get it might be "straightslaining" or something, since I'm straight too. I saw someone who is definitely an ally get torn into on FB by someone who told her to STFU about stuff she doesn't understand (she handled it admirably), and there's that thing with Wendig's blog today, where he said he's not going to speak up on gender issues anymore, as it's none of his business (not sure what precipitated it, except it had to do with his defending EL James from being picked apart on twitter or something). And a friend who is transgender recently said obliquely on twitter that her allies scare her more, sometimes, than her detractors (I don't think it was aimed at me, but it did make me think about whether engagement is welcome).

I think it is important as an ally to listen and learn, and to be willing to apologize if offense is given. But at some point, if someone who is gay is telling me that I really shouldn't (say) write a gay character unless there's a definite reason for that character to be gay, rather than just ticking off an affirmative action box, then am I straightsplaining if I tell them why I think it's important for there to be more books out there with characters who are QUILTBAG because it reflects reality, and because it's good for all kids to grow up knowing that people like them can be heroes too?

RichardGarfinkle said:

In doing so, it's a good idea to point out that the people being othered can speak for themselves, and it would be better if they were listened to. Therefore, the most important thing an ally can say is, "Listen to what they are saying about their lives. They're the ones living it."

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This is very true. And it so often becomes a matter of white or straight people arguing with one another about what's important.

One challenge with having these debates online, of course, is not knowing the race, orientation, or even gender (sometimes) of a person you're engaged with. I did have the embarrassing experience of lecturing someone about how writing colorblind is writing white one time (he made the argument that writers shouldn't mention race and allow the reader to imagine the character as any race they want), that this is an argument made from a position of white privilege, and he sent me a PM with a picture of himself, and he is black.

So sometimes I'm just really confused about what's true or helpful sometimes.

ViridianChick said:

I hear you about the whole "how do I help" thing. Different people are going to tell you different things. I know everyone says that we should listen to those oppressed, and we should -- but in the end, you DO have to form your own opinion about what's right.

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I agree. Especially when people with a history of oppression have different opinions. But I wonder, sometimes, if I becomes one of those tedious white or straight or cis people saying, "Well my [black, Asian, Latino, Native American, gay, or transgender] friend told me they want to see more representation in fiction, and they liked the way I wrote this character."

The best thing to do, I guess, is acknowledge how the person feels, try to see if you think they have a point, but if you're getting opposite feedback from different people who know more about the issue than you do, you have to trust yourself.

I don't know if this question belongs here so apologize if it's ill-placed. I'm a cisgender woman who has been an ally to varying degrees for most of my life. I was very involved in the marriage equality fight in MA, and through the organization I volunteered for also worked on other rights' issues, including some transgender rights advocacy. That's mostly been me in an office doing data entry or sending emails or making calls to legislators, sometimes using a script.

I joined a new organization focusing on transgender issues. I haven't done much yet, but will be attending a lobby day (regarding a public accommodations bill) at the State House in September. I've done lobby days before, and I figure it will be like those. I'll be there for numbers, while others speak, and basically I will do what I am told (I'll also have at least a few friends there). And I trust the organization to prepare me. I don't even expect to speak, but over the years, I've gotten to know some of the legislators I might see and be in a meeting with who might talk to me directly. When I signed up for the event, I thought of certain AWers and wondered, "If I get asked a question or run into a legislator who engages me, what would they want me to say?" I thought of asking one specific member in a PM, but then thought I might ask here. Any thoughts?