What's the best way to display intensity when writing?

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dda27101

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In whose POV you are at the time would make a big difference.
The robber, depending on what kind of person he is, would use specific vocabulary. This has been covered above. But you can show the reader how he feels…shifting eyes, beads of sweat on his forehead, a tremor in his voice, double-handed grip to steady his hand’s shaking…etc, etc.
One of the hostages, can see any of the above and also hear the voice. His throaty voice told her this man wasn’t on his first robbery. His pale eyes send shivers down her spine. OR… his screaming and gun waving told her the guy was a scared novice. The worst king, for he’ll pull the trigger at the slightest provocation, real or imaginary.
 

Ken

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The only thing I might add to the excellent advice already proffered is to worry about intensity afterwards. That is an option. When you get the story all down it is often easier to increase the intensity of a scene, sometimes with a bit of rearranging.
 

WriterFantasyNights

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Too many italics to convey intensity can dilute the effect and become annoying too, at least for some readers. I personally try to limit them to when I really need to convey an emphasis on the word where the meaning of the sentence would be different without it. Of course, different writers have different ways of doing these things, and some are more "italics happy" than others. I assume their editors leave them in place for a reason.

Other ways to convey intensity can be context, or to add something to a dialog tag (or the sparing use of non-said tags like shouted). Also, associated actions can convey how something is said.

"Get down," he shouted over the construction noise in the background.

"Get down." He had to shout over the construction noise in the background.

"Get down." If he hadn't been shouting, the construction noise would have drowned him out.

He brandished a gun. "Get down."

This is one problem I have when writing, how do you avoid writing italics and exclamation marks? I can write the scene, but my dialogue tends to use exclamation marks a lot.
 

_city_

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During moments of intensity, be terse. And possibly swear a bunch, like blacbird said. :D

I personally love jarring scenarios. Where everything is fine and happy and you've got new socks on and a child says "I love ice-cream" and then a bullet kicks her head sideways, you're now in a sticky puddle, there's somebody with a gun screaming at you, and your mind and body are scrambled eggs.
 

quicklime

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This is one problem I have when writing, how do you avoid writing italics and exclamation marks? I can write the scene, but my dialogue tends to use exclamation marks a lot.


it shouldn't.

"Move, and you're making your husband a fucking widower" suggests a certain cadence, especially if you add something like "he smiled after telling me that, like it was nothing--the same as discussing the weather. Maybe even less." after.

At the same time, "Everybody down!" is fine....but

'"Everybody Down." He wasn't screaming--yet.' conveys intensity, and doesn't need to use an exclamation. It depends on situation. In almost NO real scenario would every line end in one though...

"everybody down!"

"Markie, grab that gun!"

"I got it!"

"Good, now point it at the slick fuck in the suit!"

"OK, should I pop him, boss?!?"

looks just silly
 

WriterFantasyNights

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it shouldn't.

"Move, and you're making your husband a fucking widower" suggests a certain cadence, especially if you add something like "he smiled after telling me that, like it was nothing--the same as discussing the weather. Maybe even less." after.

At the same time, "Everybody down!" is fine....but

'"Everybody Down." He wasn't screaming--yet.' conveys intensity, and doesn't need to use an exclamation. It depends on situation. In almost NO real scenario would every line end in one though...

"everybody down!"

"Markie, grab that gun!"

"I got it!"

"Good, now point it at the slick fuck in the suit!"

"OK, should I pop him, boss?!?"

looks just silly

Now that's exactly what I do - I so want to get rid of it - its like something which doesn't go away.

Because another problem I face is that when I write dialogue, it becomes sparse and it disintregates into lines rather than solid sentences. How do I fix this problem?
 

quicklime

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beats.

fragments can be over-used too, but we don't often speak in full sentences, and even when we do, sometimes rhythm in fiction has its own needs and rules. So

"Over there," he flipped the muzzle, in case I didn't know he wanted me to crawl into the hole, "that's where."

is a fine line if a less-than-perfect sentence. likewise,

"On the floor, and I won't fuckin' ask again," he said

doesn't need an exclamation point.....
 

dondomat

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Intensity is diluted by excess words. Make your sentences punchy and lean. That gives the impression that there is no time for extra words.

And now an illustration of the other school of thought.

Reacher saw the dark blue Chevrolet and instantly linked it through Vincent’s testimony back at the motel to the two men he had seen from Dorothy Coe’s barn, while simultaneously critiquing the connection, in that Chevrolets were very common cars and dark blue was a very common colour, while simultaneously recalling the two matched Iranians and the two matched Arabs he had seen, and asking himself whether the rendezvous of two separate pairs of strange men in winter in a Nebraska hotel could be just a coincidence, and if indeed it wasn’t, whether it might then reasonably imply the presence of a third pair of men, which might or might not be the two tough guys from Dorothy’s farm, however inexplicable those six men’s association might be, however mysterious their purpose, while simultaneously watching the man in front of him dropping his car key, and moving his arm, and putting his hand in his coat pocket, while simultaneously realizing that the guys he had seen on Dorothy’s farm had not been staying at Vincent’s motel, and that there was nowhere else to stay except right there, sixty miles south at the Marriott, which meant that the Chevrolet was likely theirs, at least within the bounds of reasonable possibility, which meant that the Iranian with the moving arm was likely connected with them in some way, which made the guy an enemy, although Reacher had no idea how or why, while simultaneously knowing that likely didn’t mean shit in terms of civilian jurisprudence, while simultaneously recalling years of hard-won experience that told him men like this Iranian went for their pockets in dark parking lots for one of only four reasons, either to pull out a cell phone to call for help, or to pull out a wallet or a passport or an ID to prove their innocence or their authority, or to pull out a knife, or to pull out a gun. Reacher knew all that, while also knowing that violent reaction ahead of the first two reasons would be inexcusable, but that violent reaction ahead of the latter two reasons would be the only way to save his life.

Starbursts and waterfalls and explosions of thoughts, all jostling and competing and fighting for supremacy.

Better safe than sorry.

Reacher reacted.

He twisted from the waist in a violent spasm and started a low sidearm punch aimed at the centre of the Iranian’s chest. Chemical reaction in his brain, instantaneous transmission of the impulse, chemical reaction in every muscle system from his left foot to his right fist, total elapsed time a small fraction of a second, total distance to target less than a yard, total time to target another small fraction of a second, which was good to know right then, because the guy’s hand was all the way in his pocket by that point, his own nervous system reacting just as fast as Reacher’s, his elbow jerking up and back and trying to free whatever the hell it was he wanted, be it a knife, or a gun, or a phone, or a driver’s licence, or a passport, or a government ID, or a perfectly innocent letter from the University of Tehran proving he was a world expert on plant genetics and an honoured guest in Nebraska just days away from increasing local profits a hundredfold and eliminating world hunger at one fell swoop. But right or wrong Reacher’s fist was homing in regardless and the guy’s eyes were going wide and panicked in the gloom and his arm was jerking harder and the brown skin and the black hair on the back of his moving hand was showing above the hem of his pocket, and then came his knuckles, all five of them bunched and knotted because his fingers were clamping hard around something big and black.

Then Reacher’s blow landed.

Two hundred and fifty pounds of moving mass, a huge fist, a huge impact, the zipper of the guy’s coat driving backward into his breastbone, his breastbone driving backward into his chest cavity, the natural elasticity of his ribcage letting it yield whole inches, the resulting violent compression driving the air from his lungs, the hydrostatic shock driving blood back into his heart, his head snapping forward like a crash test dummy, his shoulders driving backward, his weight coming up off the ground, his head whipping backward again and hitting a plate glass window behind him with a dull boom like a kettle drum, his arms and legs and torso all going down like a rag doll, his body falling, sprawling, the hard polycarbonate click and clatter of something black skittering away on the ground, Reacher tracking it all the way in the corner of his eye, not a wallet, not a phone, not a knife, but a Glock 17 semi-automatic pistol, all dark and boxy and wicked. It ended up six or eight feet away from the guy, completely out of his reach, safe, not retrievable, partly because of the distance itself and partly because the guy was down and he wasn’t moving at all.


From Lee Child's Worth Dying For
 
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oceansoul

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Intensity is diluted by excess words. Make your sentences punchy and lean. That gives the impression that there is no time for extra words.

I absolutely agree with this. Choppy, short sentences -- but with appropriate sensory details. I think it also depends on whether you're wanting to display intense feelings or intense actions. When someone is mid-fight scene, you might include less detail. But with intense emotions, I think you need to pick really poignant metaphors and similes that are vivid without being wordy.
 

Anna Spargo-Ryan

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Losing excess words doesn't equate to writing short sentences. A musical crescendo isn't necessarily a series of staccato notes. It can be equally effective to build to a climax through long sentences. The fact that they're long doesn't mean they're more than they need to be.
 

onesecondglance

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And now an illustration of the other school of thought.

That's actually a good example of leanness - lots of short, snappy phrases, each conveying a single simple idea. Just cos there aren't full stops between the bits doesn't change that.
 

BethS

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Losing excess words doesn't equate to writing short sentences. A musical crescendo isn't necessarily a series of staccato notes. It can be equally effective to build to a climax through long sentences. The fact that they're long doesn't mean they're more than they need to be.

^This, times about a hundred.
 

ErezMA

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Now I have another question, somewhat related - I wasn't sure if it's ever okay to put a question mark and an exclamation point together. I've thought it may come across amateur, but I don't know.

For example: "You're saying you want to kill my son?" I'd just put a question mark without an exclamation point, although I think you may agree that if it's ever okay to put both together, that may be a good candidate.

Thanks all again for your insight and courtesy! :D
 

G.G. Rebimik

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I had to review a novel (by a very well-known author) in which exclamation marks were as thick on the page as wildebeest in the Serengeti.

After a certain point -- the line "The pain! The pain!" -- all I could think of was Dr Zachary Smith in Lost in Space. Never make your reader think of Dr Smith. (Unless you are, in fact, writing a Lost in Space novel.)

:) "I'm Dr. Zachary Smith. I'm crazy and will blow your head off." He fumbled with the weight of the .45.
"Should we get on the floor, sir?"

to be continued...
 

Judg

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Now I have another question, somewhat related - I wasn't sure if it's ever okay to put a question mark and an exclamation point together. I've thought it may come across amateur, but I don't know.

For example: "You're saying you want to kill my son?" I'd just put a question mark without an exclamation point, although I think you may agree that if it's ever okay to put both together, that may be a good candidate.

Thanks all again for your insight and courtesy! :D
You can always put them together, but your editor will probably refuse to let it live... Let the sentences before and after set the tone so the reader provides punctuation.
 

Judg

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Dondomat, that is a pretty cool example. The stream of consciousness thing going on there is pretty cool. I'm not entirely sure if what I'm getting here is intensity though, so much as that weird state of altered consciousness when events seem to slow down. It's like playing the scene in slow motion. There aren't really excess words, more like excess details, but it's very clearly intentional.
 

El Rustito

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All of the advice given so far is definitely quality feedback. I think another option is to, well, not necessarily emulate certain authors, but look to their work, specifically scenes of substantial intensity.

An example I can think of would be to read the first chapters of two of Tom Clancy's books, both Patriot Games, in which the protagonist witnesses a terrorist attack in London, and Rainbow Six, in which a plane one of the protagonists is flying in is hijacked. I felt Clancy was very good at portraying intensity without depriving or changing up the voice of his narrative. Really, what you have to remember is that the narrative can't have any bumps--if you portray intensity, you have to try to do so with the same kind of voice you've been using up until then. If you get too stylistic or deviate too much to try and force the intensity, it won't fit the rest of the piece.
 

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And now an illustration of the other school of thought.

From Lee Child's Worth Dying For


Jesus Christ... I thought I was wordy...

This is from that book made into a Tom Cruise movie, yes? Obviously popular then. I have no idea about it, but i do remember reading about the reader backlash when lil Tom was cast in the role.

Is the whole book like this?
 

Roxxsmom

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And now an illustration of the other school of thought.




From Lee Child's Worth Dying For



Maybe it's because we're reading it on a computer, but that first, fifth and seventh paragraphs (your quote inside the quote didn't come through) are just a ridiculously long wall of text to me. Makes my eyes hurt to read it. Not really my taste in writing for other reasons either, but eh, to each their own.
 

SomethingOrOther

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I'll show you how I handle intensity in my latest bestseller. I don't use any cheap tricks. I let the intensity naturally convey itself via the word choices I use.

He tip-toed down the stairs into the basement, into the darkness. The snake's slithering was a whoosh in the bottom of his soul. He could hear it. And it was going to be dinner. But little did he know that . . .

IT WAS RIGHT BEHIND HIM! IT BIT INTO HIM. BOOOM ROOORAMBOAMRE ORBOMBO! OH MY GOODNESS IT STUCK ITS FANGS INTO HIM!!!!! HE COLLAPSED TO THE GROUND. POISON!!! FUCK, FUCK FUCKKITY SHITFUCK FUCK! THIS WAS SO DRAMATIC! ONE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE EARTH. WOW.

In the hospital, he said a prayer. The nurse was next to his bed. The nurse leaned over a bit and asked

"ARE YOU HUNGRY? BECAUSE I AM, AND I'M THE SNAKE." SHE TRANSFORMED INTO A SNAKE AND ATE HIM!!!!!


The end.


As you see, that's quite the intense scene. Borrow some of these techniques and you'll have a bestseller too!
 
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BethS

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Also, make sure the pace of the writing is in line with the pace of the action.

Well, I don't know about that. For one thing, one could never duplicate on the page the real-time speed of fast-paced action. And for another, once in a while it can be effective to write the event as if it were happening in slow-motion.

IMO, what we ultimately want is to create a sense of connected movement, of events in the action timeline shifting from one to the next with no break in the flow. This can be accomplished in a number of ways, including using long sentences. (Bernard Cornwell does this beautifully.)

What you don't want is to include anything that could act as obstacle to the flow.
 
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