Miss Strawberrii Speaks Out Here

Maryn said:

You live in a place where you are trapped by lack of transportation because he chose it. These are not what's-best-for-Miss Strawberri decisions. Frankly, I do not believe the entire city of Columbia is unsafe. Craigslist has thousands of apartments, condos, and small houses for rent.

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I generally agree with what Maryn said, but I just researched that city and I am seriously glad I don't live there. The whole city probably isn't unsafe, but my guess is that the reasonably safe areas are unreasonably expensive.

Maryn's right that you need to get out of there, though. No sense protecting the body only to let the soul wither. You need to find a place where you can get out and work, as well as stay home and write.

Considered Greenville? Not too far away and really developing: http://www.theatlantic.com/national/category/greenville-sc

Never move anywhere without at least looking at crime stats and transit.

Filigree, wiser than when she was young.

Miss Strawberrii said:

We all thought I'd be driving soon. Hehe.

I couldn't do it.

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May I ask why you aren't driving yet? I know you've mentioned that you've been in wrecks before and thus, driving scares you, but is that really the only reason?

Miss Strawberrii said:

Nope. I have bad eyesight (which I've noticed pretty recently), bad perception, slow reaction speed, and no coordination. I'm always "out-of-it", like absent-minded. I don't trust myself behind a wheel where I will most likely mess up somehow. D:

I'd rather make sure I *know* it's within my abilities to drive anything before trying.

Even without driving I'm falling over, bumping into everything, and unaware of my surroundings. XD

I need to trust myself first. D:

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Lemme say this first: I was terrified of driving when I was younger. Where I'm from, you can get your first driving permit at 14. I never got a permit, bombed driver's ed and didn't get my license until a few months shy of my 19th birthday. Along with being afraid of controlling a several ton chunk of metal; I was also convinced that I had no depth perception and that because I'm short and thus, couldn't see the front end of any vehicle, I would never be able drive safely. I didn't get over this fear until I forced myself to get behind the wheel and try, try, try again.

My point being, you won't know if you're ready to drive until you try. Get checked out by your doctor, talk to your psychiatrist/a therapist or whatever you need to do, but get back up on that horse. Or decide to do something else (like move to another city) to change your situation, but just remember (like the others have said), spending all day, every day in your house is no way to live.

Miss Strawberrii said:

Nope. I have bad eyesight (which I've noticed pretty recently), bad perception, slow reaction speed, and no coordination. I don't trust myself behind a wheel where I will most likely mess up somehow. D:

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Okay, Miss S., this is exactly my boat. I have joked that the insurance companies should be sending me money in gratitude for my staying off the road. BUT once I was making my own decisions, I have organized my life around being able to get around on my own.

Because constantly having to ask for rides, or 'could you just pick something up for me' a) makes me feel like a nuisance after a while, and then, like a beggar and b) I'm at the mercy of other people: are they going my way, is it convenient for them, did they get what I asked for or what they decided was 'better'. The constant lack of control, of making plans that can't be counted on because of the 'person with the car's plans and opinions' is more wearing than you'd think (well, you know).

There's a bus 5 minutes away from me, runs in both direction to two different transit hubs, two different malls, libraries and hospitals. And, my job. Frequent service, not likely to be cut back - because malls, schools, hospitals. I checked this out before I even looked at the place. Heck, I picked my real estate agent because she didn't wave her hand and say 'near transit'. No, she checked it all out and pointed to the bus stops at whatever place we looked at. You can have a rich, full life without driving, but you have to be really careful about how you arrange it.

What has your BF's response been to your being trapped in the house while he's out all day? Has he noticed that you're not planning on driving in the near future? Have you lead him to believe that it's just a matter of 'getting your act together', or does he think that if you'd just be content to stay trapped in the house, everything would be cool?

I read this thread, in a bad mood, for reasons not worth enunciating, but with the demonic intent of saying something sarcastic, which, God knows, I almost never do here at AW.

But i apologize for that intent.I beat back the bad left-shoulder demon. Dealing with issues like these is tough, and not to be belittled. So I'll echo Garrison Keillor's advice: "Do good work." It's the best thing.

Best.

caw

Suggestions being what they are:

Bicycle: if you can get one, you can ride it whatever your weight. You're walking, so you're not that bad. A bike can cover a 5 mile distance in half an hour, 10 in an hour, twice that when you get fit. And if you can't ride, find yourself something low and small and have the pedals taken off, you can do the "balance bike" thing, which will get you balancing in no time!

Miss Strawberri,

I need to second all the suggestions that you do something about being dependent on your boyfriend to get anywhere.

It's stressful and limiting for you, and probably for him as well. You do not want to be trapped, and while he probably isn't keeping you confined out of malice, it may be that being your only means of getting out of the house is aggravating for him, especially if he doesn't particularly want to go somewhere where you need to go. (I have been in this role.) This leads to an unhealthy situation where you are resentful but don't want to be a burden, and he is guilty but doesn't want to run errands out of his way all the time.

Maybe look into a recumbent bike? They're very stable, and low-pressure on hips and back (while giving you exercise.)

I'm not in your situation. The closest I've come was being marooned at my sister's house for two weeks while housesitting for her. I didn't want to drive her car even in the suburbs, and the thought of going into central Denver gave me heart palpitations. The animals and I had food, so I just didn't go anywhere. Got most of my first novel written then. This was 30ish years ago.

I drove and lost a third-hand beater car. Then I rode Phoenix transit for nine years before getting my next car. I'm a decent driver, but there are moments when Phoenix traffic floors me. But mobility means jobs, money, and life in this part of the country. I don't have the luxury of being a shut-in. I have to be able to get at least 80 percent of the way to anywhere. I'm hoping that technology and money will allow me an Uber car service or a self-driving car by the time I get too old to drive, walk, or bike.

Like blacbird, I had some uncharitable, unworthy thoughts early in this thread. But I feel for you, Miss Strawberrii. Please trust me when I say from experience that validations from one area of your life *will* spill over and positively influence other areas. You appear to have a tendency to back away from many challenges after the first attempts overwhelm you: in life, art, and writing. But you are not bad at the latter two and are getting better! You certainly don't have to jump feet first into new experiences. Try flirting with small victories and small goals.

I'll be blunt, on my way out the door to one day-job: if you truly are stuck at home with no way out, then write and do art *like it's your job*. Use that time to hone skills that might provide you with mental and monetary validation later. If you want to get out but are cash-strapped, look online for free activities in your area. Consider an at-home job to earn your own travel money. Talk to your therapist about expanding your mental and physical horizons. Talk to your boyfriend - really talk.

I understand inertia leading to terror and defeatism. I've been standing a year-long suicide watch over a best friend going through major life changes. But this
is the life I have, all I can count on having, so I want to make the best of it.

Miss Strawberrii said:

I tried a bycicle a year or so ago and kept falling over. XD

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As Treehouseman say, have the pedals taken off and you can push the bike on your feet. You'll get cardio without strain on joints, and you'll develop balance bit by bit.

Treehouseman said:

you can do the "balance bike" thing, which will get you balancing in no time!

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I'm going to come back and say what I said in the other thread - maybe my language was too strong, but - you post here a lot about how frustrated you are about your situation and how it seems like you are trapped. But there is a lot out of balance in your situation. As Maryn pointed out, a lot of suggestions are offered, but there is always some reason why that solution is out of the bounds of possibility. I do hear you saying that you are struggling with some legit issues, and I remember you saying that bad as this is, it's better than were you were before. But I think you really might want to look at how you are keeping yourself trapped.

Maryn said:

So get offline right now, and accomplish a 30-minute walk. It's something you can do. So do it.

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Seconded.

No one ever has trouble finding a reason not to do something. What you need to do is find a reason to do it, and "I don't think I can" is a fantastic one. I've done all kinds of bizarre things solely because I didn't think I could.

The thing is, you know those reasons not to do things that are so easy to find? They're usually wrong.

Miss Strawberrii said:

About the bike thing. I tried a bycicle a year or so ago and kept falling over. XD

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* edited this because people said this better.

Second hand bikes are SO cheap. Ebay, ask friends, go to bike forums, hit up the internet, even flat out say you need a bike and people will give for free.

Get your boyfriend to drive and pick it up. If he won't, errrrrr, I hate to say it, but that may be a problem with your boyfriend spilling into your life.

A small bike with 16" wheels, something you can put your feet on the ground from the saddle.

What is it they say ??? 'just like riding a bicycle'...

So, you won't be learning to ride a bike, because you already can. You'll just be unlearning whatever it is that stopped you riding in the first place. But - once you can ride a bicycle...

The theme being developed here, that I see people saying to you, is stop sabotaging yourself and start taking care of yourself. As other have said, you might want to take this question up with your therapist - why do you keep coming up with so many reasons why you can't help yourself, why you can't improve things...

Sending you some optimism & confidence vibes))))))

Miss Strawberrii it's sad to see how down on yourself you are.

Maryn's idea of a thirty minute walk is a great one. Did you do it? How about setting that goal for yourself every morning? And yes, look out for a bike too. Put up signs on local noticeboards (do you have those in supermarkets over there? if not what about on shop windows etc?) - offering a good home to a 16" bike.

You could also add a creative goal. You say you have lots of ideas and it seems the number of them confuses you and you don't know where/how to start. How about drawing your characters? Draw one each day, or each week - I don't know how long a process it is - and then write up each character's profiles. Name, age, likes, dislikes, family history, the most important thing to them, about them, etc. etc.

Story ideas? Write them down. Choose one at a time so you're not overwhelmed and just write. Write about that idea. Set the timer for 30 minutes, or 60, and write. See what you get. Then do it again tomorrow.

All of this might never make it into a story but some of it might. And it will exercise your creative side, your mind, and provide a focus.

Good luck