[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

mrsmig

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“That’s it, the brain’s fried.”
Melanie and four other passengers crowded the hot control room, hunched over the charred hub that had held the ship’s jump Calculator. The brain, she thought with a shiver.

The scenario alone would make me read on, although I think you can tweak it to make it even grabbier. Right now "crowded the hot control room" reads as if the action is simultaneous with "hunched over the charred hub." The charred Calculator is the most interesting thing in the scene, so I'd give it center stage. (You could add the location a sentence later, maybe even add it to the dialogue tag; i.e. "...she thought, shivering in spite of the sweltering control room," or something like that.)

A little nitpick: I think you need to either break the first line into two sentences, or use an em-dash or semicolon instead of the comma. Again, this isn't so much fixing a punctuation error as it is to punch up the tension.
 
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dpaterso

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In the land of Garvan beneath the eaves of the Great forest the trees talk of wonders lost for a thousand years. Of wars fought against dark shadows with magic swords and mythical objects long forgotten by men. Yet there was not a soul to hear, slowly the voices dimmed as a hundred years, a thousand passed.
I had the urge to slightly tap the punctuation -- and join the first two sentences, and also start a new sentence, e.g. and just for fun's sake,

In the land of Garvan, beneath the eaves of the Great forest, the trees talk of wonders lost for a thousand years, of wars fought against dark shadows, with magic swords and mythical objects long forgotten by men. Yet there was not a soul to hear. Slowly the voices dimmed as a hundred years, a thousand, passed.

That's just how I'd present it, no guarantees I'm right! I've no idea what's coming next but it could be high fantasy so I'd check out the next few lines for sure.

Midnight on Julia Street, and Wilma Roberts was alone, awake and frightened. Her area of the city had changed, and she just knew one of her black neighbors was planning to break in and steal her silver. She jumped at a scratch on the windowpane and immediately dialed 911.
I'm thinking maybe "Her area of the city" could as easily be "The neighborhood" or "Her neighborhood" just to make it more personal. I'd read on just to see what response she gets. Or to find out if someone is indeed tapping on her window pane.

-Derek
 

porlock

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I'm thinking maybe "Her area of the city" could as easily be "The neighborhood" or "Her neighborhood" just to make it more personal. I'd read on just to see what response she gets. Or to find out if someone is indeed tapping on her window pane.

-Derek[/QUOTE]

Thanks, I was trying to keep from using "neighborhood" and "neighbors" too close together, but I'm probably overthinking it.
 

leifwright

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“That’s it, the brain’s fried.”
Melanie and four other passengers crowded the hot control room, hunched over the charred hub that had held the ship’s jump Calculator. The brain, she thought with a shiver.

I'm kind of a sci-fi realist, so I always have trouble suspending disbelief when a ship has something along the lines of a "jump calculator." The sheer volume of calculations needed to do what I assume to be a hyper-speed faster-than-light jump are beyond the capabilities of all our current computers combined. There are just so many variables to consider in such an endeavor that the computing force required necessarily means any future ships doing FTL jumps would almost have to rely on a massive network of computers to do the calculations.

That said, maybe your ship's builders have come up with some kind of tech to handle that. But why would five passengers a) know which thingy was the jump calculator and b) be huddled over it? Is the ship's crew dead?

I guess finding the answer to that question is intriguing enough to prompt me to read on.
 

porlock

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Although it's on the telly side, it's not a bad opener - there's tension and action right away. (I have to say that "a scratch on the windowpane" puzzled me for a second until I realized you were talking about a sound and not an actual defect.)

I see from a subsequent post that Wilma is not your MC. If you're going to bail on Wilma's POV to pick up your MC in a minute, I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more effective just to start with your MC.

Okay, that might go something like:

Officer Jamaica Johnson caught the squeal. Damn, old lady Roberts again. Admittedly there were some recent break-ins, but not anywhere near her neighborhood.
 

mafiaking1936

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Okay, I don't mind the first sentence, I loved the second sentence, but the third one made me laugh. I don't know if that was your goal. But it seems a little melodramatic to me. And it felt out of place with the first two so my reaction was to giggle.

The second sentence is definitely my favorite here. I love how quickly it drops us right into the scene and gives us a sense of the world and the people occupying it.

Haha, well two outta three ain't bad! Yeah, I really only had that to firmly establish Melanie as the MC. I could delete it and go right to sentence #4:

Lab-grown and cubical it might be, but even under emergency lights the thing looked enough like the human version to turn stomachs when Linus wrenched it from its receptacle.

But then that's two characters without setting a POV. I'll play with it some more. Thanks!



The scenario alone would make me read on, although I think you can tweak it to make it even grabbier. Right now "crowded the hot control room" reads as if the action is simultaneous with "hunched over the charred hub." The charred Calculator is the most interesting thing in the scene, so I'd give it center stage. (You could add the location a sentence later, maybe even add it to the dialogue tag; i.e. "...she thought, shivering in spite of the sweltering control room," or something like that.)

A little nitpick: I think you need to either break the first line into two sentences, or use an em-dash or semicolon instead of the comma. Again, this isn't so much fixing a punctuation error as it is to punch up the tension.

Thanks! I originally had it as a semicolon, but I figured that might seem pretentious in the first sentence. I often overuse dashes, but maybe it works here. I suppose I could put "the hot control room" in the fourth sentence without otherwise harming things...

I'm kind of a sci-fi realist, so I always have trouble suspending disbelief when a ship has something along the lines of a "jump calculator." The sheer volume of calculations needed to do what I assume to be a hyper-speed faster-than-light jump are beyond the capabilities of all our current computers combined. There are just so many variables to consider in such an endeavor that the computing force required necessarily means any future ships doing FTL jumps would almost have to rely on a massive network of computers to do the calculations.

Yep, that's why you need a biological brain- the most complicated computer in existence- to do it! :) And suppose growing and "harvesting" these computers was so commonplace that in a disaster even the future equivalent of a mechanic could replace one? Pretty creepy I think. Too bad no place wants to buy the damn story!!!
 
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dpaterso

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“That’s it, the brain’s fried.”
Melanie and four other passengers crowded the hot control room, hunched over the charred hub that had held the ship’s jump Calculator. The brain, she thought with a shiver.
I like it, I'm aboard. Picky devil that I am, I might have lowercased Calculator and uppercased The Brain.

-Derek
 

Euonymous

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Midnight on Julia Street, and Wilma Roberts was alone, awake and frightened. Her area of the city had changed, and she just knew one of her black neighbors was planning to break in and steal her silver. She jumped at a scratch on the windowpane and immediately dialed 911.

I needed to have a think about this opening. While not bad it is still missing something as reading it I don't feel the need to know what the next line is.

I am thinking that the setting leaves far too much in question. Why is she up so late? How had the area changed? Has it become a lower class area or just mixed nationality? So instead of starting with questions rather start with an introduction -

"Wilma Roberts was alone." Leave out the time and the awake part as we know she is awake.

"Her area of the city had changed, and she just knew one of her black neighbours was planning to break in and steal her silver." Give a little history here, just a line or two about why I should care about the silver. Was it her granmas? A wedding gift? Draw me in. As to the neighbours... Again give me a little something something. What kind of run ins has she had that would make her scared? Do the teen boys hang out on her apartments steps? Does someone play loud music of a rap/violent type? Expand her because right now she isn't really grabbing me.
 

Denevius

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Midnight on Julia Street, and Wilma Roberts was alone, awake and frightened. Her area of the city had changed, and she just knew one of her black neighbors was planning to break in and steal her silver. She jumped at a scratch on the windowpane and immediately dialed 911.

I wouldn't read on, though there's nothing particularly wrong with the writing. It's a bit on the telly side, which weakens reader engagement. That, coupled with an unlikeable trait in the character exposed in the first three lines, makes this a story I would not give further attention to.
 

Denevius

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“That’s it, the brain’s fried.”
Melanie and four other passengers crowded the hot control room, hunched over the charred hub that had held the ship’s jump Calculator. The brain, she thought with a shiver.

This feels like it's starting too late. There's no introduction to any of the characters of the story, as well as the scenario they're in. This is made most evident by the story opening with dialog, as if there were a conversation going on that we've already missed.

So my suggestion would be to start a little earlier.
 

tiddlywinks

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Hi! New here and thought I would join in with the first few lines of a short I have been working on. I am going for a slightly OTT Bard esk, verbal, poetical, legend type feel in how I wrote it -

In the land of Garvan beneath the eaves of the Great forest the trees talk of wonders lost for a thousand years. Of wars fought against dark shadows with magic swords and mythical objects long forgotten by men. Yet there was not a soul to hear, slowly the voices dimmed as a hundred years, a thousand passed.


Ok the grammar isn't perfect either! So please bear with me...

Hmm. So, first I'd +1 dpaterso's edits in thread. That made this opening read smoother for me. I'm a fantasy fan, so I'm okay with the slow, legend like feel for the start. You have talking trees and no one around to listen. I will refrain from making a joke there. :)

In any case, I'd read on for a bit.
 

tiddlywinks

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“That’s it, the brain’s fried.”
Melanie and four other passengers crowded the hot control room, hunched over the charred hub that had held the ship’s jump Calculator. The brain, she thought with a shiver.

Ax the hot control room bit from the first three sentences to tighten things, and I'd read on. You've got me curious!
 

porlock

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Thanks everyone for your comments, I know the direction I need to take the story now.
 

Euonymous

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Hmm. So, first I'd +1 dpaterso's edits in thread. That made this opening read smoother for me. I'm a fantasy fan, so I'm okay with the slow, legend like feel for the start. You have talking trees and no one around to listen. I will refrain from making a joke there. :)

In any case, I'd read on for a bit.

Thanks!
 

Freya Yuki

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Hi! New here and thought I would join in with the first few lines of a short I have been working on. I am going for a slightly OTT Bard esk, verbal, poetical, legend type feel in how I wrote it -

In the land of Garvan beneath the eaves of the Great forest the trees talk of wonders lost for a thousand years. Of wars fought against dark shadows with magic swords and mythical objects long forgotten by men. Yet there was not a soul to hear, slowly the voices dimmed as a hundred years, a thousand passed.


Ok the grammar isn't perfect either! So please bear with me...

Agree with what the others have said with regards to the grammar and punctuation of these sentences. It might also be better to start with the MC and a bit more action (unless the MC is actually one of the trees?). "Thousand" is mentioned twice - once in the first sentence and another in the third. Maybe also consider removing/cutting one to avoid the repetition.

I'll throw my hat in the ring, here's the start of one of my older stories:

Midnight on Julia Street, and Wilma Roberts was alone, awake and frightened. Her area of the city had changed, and she just knew one of her black neighbors was planning to break in and steal her silver. She jumped at a scratch on the windowpane and immediately dialed 911.

These sentences do a pretty good job characterizing Wilma although it shows her as unlikable. It also creates intrigue so we wonder what will happen when she calls 911. Am wondering if the "awake and frightened" in the first sentence is really necessary. The third sentence already shows she's awake and frightened.

“That’s it, the brain’s fried.”
Melanie and four other passengers crowded the hot control room, hunched over the charred hub that had held the ship’s jump Calculator. The brain, she thought with a shiver.

Not very fond of openings that start with dialog since this doesn't really tell us much about anything. For example, who says the first line? Am wondering if it would be better to start with a bit more info and action to set the scene.

Just my 2 cents. Hope this helps :)
 
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Freya Yuki

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First three sentences of a children's short story:

-
Rhys stopped in front of a lake. Blades of grass—sharp enough to cut—dotted the ground. Rainbow-colored flowers grew nearby, giving off a sweet scent which reminded him of the cake Rhian, his little sister, and Mother baked for his birthday.
-

Am also wondering if it might be better to move the description a bit further down, so I can start with this instead:

-
Rhys stopped in front of a lake. The muddy path he and Asa, his best friend, had been following ended here. Had they taken a wrong turn somewhere?
-

Which would be better as the story's opening?
 

Denevius

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Rhys stopped in front of a lake. Blades of grass—sharp enough to cut—dotted the ground. Rainbow-colored flowers grew nearby, giving off a sweet scent which reminded him of the cake Rhian, his little sister, and Mother baked for his birthday.

His little sister's name, Rhian, following directly after cake with no punctuation, was confusing. That can be edited for sentence clarity.

I would read on, though there's nothing particularly interesting in these lines. However, they're solid enough that I would probably finish at least the first page.
 

dpaterso

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First three sentences of a children's short story:

-
Rhys stopped in front of a lake. Blades of grass—sharp enough to cut—dotted the ground. Rainbow-colored flowers grew nearby, giving off a sweet scent which reminded him of the cake Rhian, his little sister, and Mother baked for his birthday.
-

Am also wondering if it might be better to move the description a bit further down, so I can start with this instead:

-
Rhys stopped in front of a lake. The muddy path he and Asa, his best friend, had been following ended here. Had they taken a wrong turn somewhere?
-

Which would be better as the story's opening?
The first possibly needs slightly recast at "reminded him of the cake his little sister Rhian and their mother had baked for his birthday."

I dare say I preferred the second, it's simpler, it delivers a little mystery. Though the opening sentence's "in front of a lake" sounds odd to me, this could possibly be tweaked to "Rhys stopped, finding himself at the shore of a lake." or similar.

-Derek
 

Nerdilydone

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The second one is definitely better, Freya. The first feels like it's trying to put too much detail in.
 

Denevius

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Rhys stopped in front of a lake. The muddy path he and Asa, his best friend, had been following ended here. Had they taken a wrong turn somewhere?

Like the other opening, this one has three solid sentences that aren't really that intriguing. A character stops in front of a lake on a muddy path. Maybe the character is lost.

I'm not sure why Rhys thinks he's lost. I'm not sure if Asa is currently with him or not. I don't know where they are. And getting lost at a lake isn't really setting up a story in an engaging way. Finally, what narrative tension there *could* be at being "lost" is muted by the fact that the character isn't even sure if he's lost or not. The very next sentence could be Rhys looking to his right, seeing a familiar sign, and realizing he knows exactly where he is.

The first three lines of a story can't tell the reader everything, but there's a mundanity to these lines that make potential questions feel unnecessary to be answered.
 

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First three sentences of a children's short story:

-
Rhys stopped in front of a lake. Blades of grass—sharp enough to cut—dotted the ground. Rainbow-colored flowers grew nearby, giving off a sweet scent which reminded him of the cake Rhian, his little sister, and Mother baked for his birthday.
-

Am also wondering if it might be better to move the description a bit further down, so I can start with this instead:

-
Rhys stopped in front of a lake. The muddy path he and Asa, his best friend, had been following ended here. Had they taken a wrong turn somewhere?
-

Which would be better as the story's opening?

I know I'm way too much of an ACOTAR fangirl when even seeing the name "Rhys" brightens my mood. Maas needs to write faster. I need the fourth book NOW.

ahem.

I like the second version way, way more, but the second sentence needs to be tweaked because the introduction of Asa feels a little awkward. Could you say "Rhys and Asa stopped in front of the lake. The muddy path they'd been following ended here. Had they taken the wrong turn somewhere?" instead?

From these three sentences I would read on!
 

sockycat

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I'll play! Here's a flash piece I'm working on.

As I slide on my Scrapping gloves the screen of my PsyM2 flashes in the mirror. The two-inch bio-glass turns a sickly green, and the word ANXIOUS rolls across.
“We’ll be fine,” I tell the mirror.
 

Denevius

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As I slide on my Scrapping gloves the screen of my PsyM2 flashes in the mirror. The two-inch bio-glass turns a sickly green, and the word ANXIOUS rolls across.
“We’ll be fine,” I tell the mirror.

I do like that these sentences are telling me something new. I would cut 'Scrapping' and try a smoother way to introduce what I guess is futuristic tech. Also, I would *not* tell this story in present tense. That almost always reads awkwardly, and I've seen quite a few publications specifically state the difficulty of pulling off a story in this tense in their 'writer tipis'. So unless you're really confident about writing a present tense story, I think it's better to stay away from it and just make it past.

Having said that, I think it would benefit you to back up a couple of lines. Introduce your world a little more, and then get to these lines that don't read like a short story opener to me. They read more like the middle of the first paragraph.
 

mrsmig

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I'll play! Here's a flash piece I'm working on.

As I slide on my Scrapping gloves the screen of my PsyM2 flashes in the mirror. The two-inch bio-glass turns a sickly green, and the word ANXIOUS rolls across.
“We’ll be fine,” I tell the mirror.

I like this a lot. No quibbles. I'd read on.