[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

mafiaking1936 · May 4, 2017

autumnleaf said:
OK, here's a new one I've been working on:

A misty light shivered over the bog, and the air smelled rotting sweet. Cullan's foot squelched, a hand on his back pushing him forwards.

“We must keep moving,” said Ketric, not harshly but with more authority than he'd have spoken before today.

So to me the first sentence sounds a little cliche; I'd try to find a better way to say it. The second sentence is jarring because there's no conceptual connection between the first and second part. How about just 'pushed him forward.'
Make the dialogue just 'Keep moving' and it will have way more punch. Delete 'not harshly.'
I think it's a decent start but you will have to continue to work to hold the reader's interest. You've established the mood, now continue with the action.

sublunam · May 4, 2017

I'm a little too nervous to critique anything yet (still getting my toes wet), but here are the first three sentences of a story I am about to revise:

They were three degrees from the dataline when the first bombs flared.
Ida trailed behind the rest, heaving the wheels of her chair up the slope to the outskirts of Ambroton. Even out here, where the roads were smooth and the wind swept the air clean, going uphill was a challenge.

Denevius · May 4, 2017

They were three degrees from the dataline when the first bombs flared.
Ida trailed behind the rest, heaving the wheels of her chair up the slope to the outskirts of Ambroton. Even out here, where the roads were smooth and the wind swept the air clean, going uphill was a challenge.

Takes a bit of digesting, but these lines work. I'd read on.

The Urban Spaceman · May 4, 2017

sublunam said:
I'm a little too nervous to critique anything yet (still getting my toes wet), but here are the first three sentences of a story I am about to revise:

They were three degrees from the dataline when the first bombs flared.
Ida trailed behind the rest, heaving the wheels of her chair up the slope to the outskirts of Ambroton. Even out here, where the roads were smooth and the wind swept the air clean, going uphill was a challenge.

You'll find that critting others gives you confidence and helps refine your own writing.

Sentence 1 opens with a vague "they"—might be better to provide a little description of who they are, to help visualisation of the scene.

Sentence 2, I have to wonder 1) if Ida is heaving the wheels of her chair up the slope, why doesn't she just roll them up? To me, heaving suggest laboured carrying. 2) where is the rest of the chair?

Sentence 3 is okay, though I do get a little disconnect between "out here" and "smooth roads" as it's usually my experience that the roads are smoother in towns and cities, and more potholed out in the sticks.

Other than that, it works fine as an opening and has a good hook.

sublunam · May 5, 2017

Thanks, Urban Spaceman! That helpfully clarifies some inclarities in my sentences

And yes, no doubt you're right.
jlw

Yzjdriel · May 5, 2017

The Urban Spaceman said:
I find the name off-putting, as I knew someone who used it as an internet moniker. Vocalised frustration is difficult to pull off, but I think this one isn't too jarring. Nice use of show vs. tell re: frustration (though you could drop the part indicated, as it's readily apparent that she's frustrated, no need to tell it after you've shown it).

Other than that, I'd read on to see what the MC is so frustrated about, and I like the subtle hook.

She more readily goes by the nickname her friends gave her ("Sonar"), so we'll be seeing her refer to herself by her own name more infrequently as the story progresses (once I've had a chapter or two to cement both her real name and her nickname into the reader's mind).
Good call on the strikeout, I'll do that. Thanks.

Denevius · May 7, 2017

FIRST REVISION BELOW IN POST #561. This is an attempt to write a flash fiction piece of a maximum of 700 words firm. The tentative title is A DAGGER TO THE BACK. First three lines below:

***

When Kim Seung-Tae asked the southeastern girl to marry him, no one in the dojang was surprised. Seung-Tae and Nalisa obsessed over the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed for the night, the two would remain, executing complicated offensive and defensive maneuvers on the polished wooden boards of the empty hall.

Within_is_without · May 7, 2017

Denevius said:
I would probably read another two or three sentences, but right now, my expectations are low that the writing will be engaging. There's nothing wrong structurally with these three lines, but there's a bit of an unsophisticated tone that I don't think will be limited to just this opening.

Here's the next paragraph, just to flesh it out a tich:
I was 21, rich, seeking the good fight with abandon---a reckless rock star in the early days of hacking. I wound up in a live horror show filled with anxiety, soulless corruption, and the raw smell of fear.

Sometimes things play in my mind; slow motion and vivid. The Sheriff of the Jungle, shirtless and mean with an AK-47, matter-of-factly mowing down a group of men. Or looking at the blood spurting out of my shoe in a limousine with shattered windows and wondering why I couldn't feel anything, and trying not to think about my friend, shot through the neck, slumped over the steering wheel, wheezing badly.

Marlys · May 7, 2017

Denevius said:
This is an attempt to write a flash fiction piece of a maximum of 700 words firm. The tentative title is A DAGGER TO THE BACK. First three lines below:

***

When Kim Seung-Tae asked the southeastern girl woman (or are these very young people?) to marry him, no one in the dojang was surprised. Seung-Tae and Nalisa obsessed over the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by outhyphenate training them. Long after the sword school closed for the night, the two would remain, executing complicated offensive and defensive maneuvers on the polished wooden boards of the empty hall.

Make it instantly clear that Nalisa is the person he wants to marry--consider naming her in the first sentence and beginning the second with "They both." Not much here to make me want to read on, though. "Two people like to train with swords" could be the opening of any fantasy.

sublunam · May 7, 2017

Denevius said:
When Kim Seung-Tae asked the southeastern girl to marry him, no one in the dojang was surprised. Seung-Tae and Nalisa obsessed over the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed for the night, the two would remain, executing complicated offensive and defensive maneuvers on the polished wooden boards of the empty hall.

The first sentence is a great hook. There were too many adjectives in the third sentence (I counted six after the final comma, and there are only three nouns). This slowed the sentence down, and seems too much for a 700-word story. I'd condense "complicated offensive and defensive" into a single, more compelling or unusual adjective. Or just cut the adjectives altogether.

Denevius · May 7, 2017

FIRST REVISION: First three lines of a 700 word firm flash fiction titled A DAGGER TO THE BACK.

***

No one in the dojang was surprised when Kim Seung-Tae proposed to the southeastern girl, Nalisa. The two of them spent countless hours together, obsessed with fulfilling the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed every evening, the two remained, executing complicated maneuvers on the polished boards of the empty hall.

angelbae · May 7, 2017

Here's the first three sentences to a scifi story I'm writing!

The metal ball hits her face, and she screams reflexively, feeling the crack of her skin underneath, the jolt of sensory information that tells her that ten teeth are ringing with pain and she needs help now.

It’s not the first of many, but the last, and for that she is grateful, breath coming in whimpering starts as she shakes uncontrollably. System overload, prepare for shut down, flashes on her visual display, and she closes her eyelids, lowering herself to the floor.

(It may seem a little clunky in the way the pain is described, but that's because she's an android, and is not actually feeling it. It's cleared up a few sentences later as to what's happening.)

Denevius · May 7, 2017

The metal ball hits her face, and she screams reflexively, feeling the crack of her skin underneath, the jolt of sensory information that tells her that ten teeth are ringing with pain and she needs help now.

It’s not the first of many, but the last, and for that she is grateful, breath coming in whimpering starts as she shakes uncontrollably. System overload, prepare for shut down, flashes on her visual display, and she closes her eyelids, lowering herself to the floor.

There's a lot here that's not really working. The adverb, reflexively, seems strangely placed, as a metal ball hitting someone in the face, and the following scream, isn't a reflex. The fact that it's exactly ten teeth ringing with pain is an odd detail that makes me wonder exactly how the POV knows this.

The second sentence is narrative withholding, as the POV knows what's going on but isn't cluing in the reader. The last sentence doesn't add up properly from the previous two. It creates confusion instead of intrigue, which I think you're going for.

As written, I wouldn't read on.

sublunam · May 7, 2017

The metal ball hits her face, and she screams reflexively, feeling the crack of her skin underneath, the jolt of sensory information that tells her that ten teeth are ringing with pain and she needs help now.

It’s not the first of many, but the last, and for that she is grateful, breath coming in whimpering starts as she shakes uncontrollably. System overload, prepare for shut down, flashes on her visual display, and she closes her eyelids, lowering herself to the floor.

Hey angelbae,
I agree with Denevius that you probably want to lose "reflexively." That would make the first part of the sentence much punchier (excuse the pun). I do wonder if you might also break this sentence up a little. The action is clearly happening now now now, and since it's the beginning of the story, you don't want to get your reader lost in tangles of syntax.

What about this?

The metal ball hits her face and she screams. The crack of her skin underneath and jolt of sensory information [perhaps better: data?] tell her that ten teeth are ringing with pain and she needs help now.

I think you could do the same with second sentence. At the beginning of a story, a reader is kind of like a newborn baby, figuring out their way in your world. Simple is good, especially given that this is action, not poetic contemplation.

What about this?

It’s the last blow of many, and for that she is grateful. Her breath comes in whimpering [you could cut "whimpering"] starts, as she shakes uncontrollably. System overload, prepare for shut down, flashes on her visual display, and she closes her eyelids, lowering herself to the floor.

Keep going!

SaveTheKeys · May 7, 2017

Denevius said:
FIRST REVISION: First three lines of a 700 word firm flash fiction titled A DAGGER TO THE BACK.

***

No one in the dojang was surprised when Kim Seung-Tae proposed to the southeastern girl, Nalisa. The two of them spent countless hours together, obsessed with fulfilling the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed every evening, the two remained, executing complicated maneuvers on the polished boards of the empty hall.

I like your revision but have you considered varying your sentence length? They are all very long and make reading a little more of a cerebral workout than it would be if there was a little break up in pace there. Long does not equal bad, just trying to say you have three big pieces of meat and it might be easier on the eyes to throw in a lighter veggie.

Maybe something like:
No one in the dojang was surprised when Kim Seung-Tae proposed to the southeastern girl, Nalisa. The two of them spent countless hours together. They had a shared obsession. Fulfilling the Master's mantra: Defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed every evening, the pair remained, executing complicated maneuvers on the polished boards of the empty hall.

This is just me bouncing some ideas on readability. This is my first crit on AW so please pardon any transgressions.

Yzjdriel · May 8, 2017

Denevius said:
No one in the dojang was surprised when Kim Seung-Tae proposed to the southeastern girl, Nalisa. The two of them spent countless hours together, obsessed with fulfilling the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed every evening, the two remained, executing complicated maneuvers on the polished boards of the empty hall.

If you're trying to keep the word count as low as possible, you can delete extraneous words. For example, if the fact that Nalisa is southeastern isn't vital to the plot (which I suspect it isn't), the reader doesn't need to know that. Going through and moving some things around slightly leaves us with this (giving you 7 extra words to use near the end, where you'll need them):

Nobody from the dojang was surprised when Kim Seung-Tae proposed to Nalisa. The two spent countless hours together, both obsessed with fulfilling the Master’s mantra: “Defeat any opponent by out-training him.” The two remained long after the school closed each evening, performing complicated maneuvers on the polished boards of the empty hall.

brandenburgdm · May 8, 2017

The Urban Spaceman said:
I'm confused about this reality TV show about killing and cooking humans, and about what sort of food they might be made into. And whilst "said" is generally said to be an invisible tag, using it twice as you have is jarring.

You should end the second speech with a comma before the dialogue tag, not a full stop. And since the "vice president" information reads as parenthetical, there should be a second comma enclosing it.

The text in blue comes across stilted due to lack of contractions. You can kill a few words to tighten up your writing. Aaand the sentence in purple doesn't read correctly re: cause and effect (currently reads that killing humans would give the show a huge boost and the allure of cooking something forbidden. I get the feeling it should read that the allure of cooking something forbidden will give the show a huge boost).

I don't dislike the opening lines, I just think they need a bit of work.

Thank you for this, it was super helpful. I kinda felt like something was weird with it but couldn't put my finger on it.

ManWithTheMetalArm · May 8, 2017

"Krelshaktor had been on trains before, but with every new one, they felt smaller and smaller. The rows were narrower on this one, and the faux leather seats were practically miniscule. Even amongst his fellow orcs, of which Krel could spy a few from his seat near the door, he wasn’t even that big."

Not sure if this the best way to start.

The Urban Spaceman · May 8, 2017

Denevius said:
FIRST REVISION: First three lines of a 700 word firm flash fiction titled A DAGGER TO THE BACK.

***

No one in the dojang was surprised when Kim Seung-Tae proposed to the southeastern girl, Nalisa. The two of them spent countless hours together, obsessed with fulfilling the Master’s mantra: defeat any opponent by out training them. Long after the sword school closed every evening, the two remained, executing complicated maneuvers on the polished boards of the empty hall.

I haven't properly clocked your initial post, so these are just my thoughts on the revision.

Characters in the story might not be surprised by this proposal, but I am. The way you go on to describe the protagonists, they really come across as "married to the cause" types. The obsession to the Master's mantra, the long hours of practise... it doesn't sound like there's much room for romance in there, which makes makes the marriage come across as (to me) one of pure convenience, or contrived for the sake of the story. Looking at the proposal from the other side of it, having studied the sword for almost a decade now, I can't imagine the protagonists having any sort of success at the art if they're distracted by romance.

I might also cut the 'polished boards' and replace them with 'wooden boards'. Reason being, I've seen how vicious a polished floor can be... and the sight of one particular guy sliding on his ass across the dōjō (twice!) is what sticks in my mind when I read polished boards.

Although the writing's technically sound, the opening lines here don't have enough of a hook to pique my interest and encourage me to read further. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing, as the writing's solid and the characters established. You don't have to entice your reader to continue with a whole novel, just a few hundred words. I think for this story, the opening could work fine.

The Urban Spaceman · May 8, 2017

ManWithTheMetalArm said:
"Krelshaktor had been on trains before, but with every new one, they felt smaller and smaller. The rows were narrower on this one, and the faux leather seats were practically miniscule. Even amongst his fellow orcs, of which Krel could spy a few from his seat near the door, he wasn’t even that big."

Not sure if this the best way to start.

Unless 1) the trains are shrinking, or 2) Krel is growing, at an alarming rate, I wouldn't open with the first two sentences as you do.

I actually think sentence 3 would make a really good opening line.

"Even amongst his fellow orcs, of which he could spot a few from his seat near the door, Krel wasn't all that big."

Then try to work in something about trains or what have you.

ManWithTheMetalArm · May 8, 2017

I think I was trying to convey that the train he was on was a little smaller than the one's he's used to, as even his elf friend Ren has a hard time fitting on the seat and looks way to big for the train himself.

Ed_in_Bed · May 8, 2017

Just started this one today. Aiming at less than 400 words (gulp). Present tense still isn't sounding right for this one....

The cop places his gun on the asphalt and rises slowly, arms spread like he’s balancing on a tightrope, and I know what I have to do.

It’s eight thirty; rush hour. His squad car is parked behind my pickup on the other side of the bridge, both engines ping-pinging as they cool in the still air of the morning.

The Urban Spaceman · May 8, 2017

angelbae said:
Here's the first three sentences to a scifi story I'm writing!

(It may seem a little clunky in the way the pain is described, but that's because she's an android, and is not actually feeling it. It's cleared up a few sentences later as to what's happening.)

Tip: don't quote your own lines, otherwise we can't quote them.

The metal ball hits her face, and she screams reflexively, feeling the crack of her skin underneath, the jolt of sensory information that tells her that ten teeth are ringing with pain and she needs help now.

It’s not the first of many <<of many what?>>, but the last, and for that she is grateful, breath coming in whimpering starts as she shakes uncontrollably. System overload, prepare for shut down, flashes on her visual display, and she closes her eyelids, lowering herself to the floor.

"that" is a word you can remove a whole lot to make your writing stronger and more refined. The first sentence reads like it should be two, and it shouldn't be its own paragraph as-is.

"The metal ball hits her face, and she screams reflexively, feeling the crack of her skin. The jolt of sensory information tells her that ten teeth are ringing with pain and she needs help now."

Again, second sentence is far too fragmented into different actions and concepts.

"It's not the first of many blows, but it's the last, and for that she is grateful. Her breath comes in..." etc etc. I'd say what you have here is more like five sentences, but it's an interesting opening and enough of a hook to make me want to know more.

The Urban Spaceman · May 8, 2017

Ed_in_Bed said:
Just started this one today. Aiming at less than 400 words (gulp). Present tense still isn't sounding right for this one....

The cop places his gun on the asphalt and rises slowly, arms spread like he’s balancing on a tightrope, and I know what I have to do.

It’s eight thirty; rush hour. His squad car is parked behind my pickup on the other side of the bridge, both engines ping-pinging as they cool in the still air of the morning.

I like it and would read on. Sorry I can't offer anything more constructive. I'm not a huge fan of present tense, but I don't mind it as much for short works. 400 words definitely qualifies.

The Urban Spaceman · May 8, 2017

ManWithTheMetalArm said:
I think I was trying to convey that the train he was on was a little smaller than the one's he's used to, as even his elf friend Ren has a hard time fitting on the seat and looks way to big for the train himself.

It definitely comes across more as Krel's Adventures On The Amazing Shrinking Trains. There are ways of showing that his size is an inconvenience (as well as having his thoughts on the matter if you're narrating from his POV).

[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

mafiaking1936

Nihil debetur. Nihil debens.

sublunam

Denevius

The Urban Spaceman

Existential quandary

sublunam

Yzjdriel

forgetful elephant

Denevius

Within_is_without

Marlys

Resist. Love. Go outside.

sublunam

Denevius

angelbae

Denevius

sublunam

SaveTheKeys

Yzjdriel

forgetful elephant

brandenburgdm

ManWithTheMetalArm

Has One Badass Arm

The Urban Spaceman

Existential quandary

The Urban Spaceman

Existential quandary

ManWithTheMetalArm

Has One Badass Arm

Ed_in_Bed

The Urban Spaceman

Existential quandary

The Urban Spaceman

Existential quandary

The Urban Spaceman

Existential quandary