dpaterso
Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels
Staff member
Super Moderator
Moderator
Super Member
Registered
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2005
- Messages
- 18,802
- Reaction score
- 4,591
- Location
- Caledonia
- Website
- derekpaterson.net
Reading the replies, I see what you're aiming for, but I likewise thought the fight was happening in the bar. Did you do this on purpose? Just asking, I don't mind, not my story. Strikes me as unclear though. If it's not deliberate then I'd recast for clarity, e.g.A loud cheer echoed through the room as the man in the white shirt body-slammed the man in the blue shirt into the wall. The crowd at the bar watched intently as the fists began to fly. Both men grabbed the other by the jersey and began wailing upon each other with their free hands, slipping and sliding on the ice as they tried to remain upright.
A loud cheer echoed through the bar as, on the big TV screen, the man in the white shirt body-slammed the man in the blue shirt into the wall. The crowd watched intently as fists began to fly. Each man grabbed the other by the jersey and they began whaling upon each other, slipping and sliding on the ice as they tried to remain upright.
-Derek
Last edited: