[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

dpaterso

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A loud cheer echoed through the room as the man in the white shirt body-slammed the man in the blue shirt into the wall. The crowd at the bar watched intently as the fists began to fly. Both men grabbed the other by the jersey and began wailing upon each other with their free hands, slipping and sliding on the ice as they tried to remain upright.
Reading the replies, I see what you're aiming for, but I likewise thought the fight was happening in the bar. Did you do this on purpose? Just asking, I don't mind, not my story. Strikes me as unclear though. If it's not deliberate then I'd recast for clarity, e.g.

A loud cheer echoed through the bar as, on the big TV screen, the man in the white shirt body-slammed the man in the blue shirt into the wall. The crowd watched intently as fists began to fly. Each man grabbed the other by the jersey and they began whaling upon each other, slipping and sliding on the ice as they tried to remain upright.

-Derek
 
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Seaclusion

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Reading the replies, I see what you're aiming for, but I likewise thought the fight was happening in the bar. Did you do this on purpose? Just asking, I don't mind, not my story. Strikes me as unclear though. If it's not deliberate then I'd recast for clarity, e.g.

A loud cheer echoed through the bar as, on the big TV screen, the man in the white shirt body-slammed the man in the blue shirt into the wall. The crowd watched intently as fists began to fly. Each man grabbed the other by the jersey and they began whaling upon each other, slipping and sliding on the ice as they tried to remain upright.

-Derek


I was going for the first line to seem as if it might be a bar fight, then over the next line or two for it to be realized that it was actually a fight in a hockey game on TV. The point being that the crowd of men were reacting the same way, they loved it, in either case. The next paragraph has the MC seeing this and wondering why men are drawn to violence and physical confrontation.
 

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Hi! I write flash fiction almost exclusively and would love to take my writing to a new level so here are the first three sentences from a short I write recently. It is a sci-fi piece - three hundred words or less, can't remember exactly.

Thaddeus walked across the helm of his ship - The Time Traveller. Through the domed screen, he saw the Travellers luminescent sails shift as they caught the interstellar winds, driving the sleek and ancient ship through the vastness of space. Modelled after the ocean-faring frigates or ships-of-war of Old Earth the Traveller had been made by the first and greatest spacefarers known to man.
 

mrsmig

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Hi! I write flash fiction almost exclusively and would love to take my writing to a new level so here are the first three sentences from a short I write recently. It is a sci-fi piece - three hundred words or less, can't remember exactly.

Thaddeus walked across the helm of his ship - The Time Traveller. Through the domed screen, he saw the Traveller's luminescent sails shift as they caught the interstellar winds, driving the sleek and ancient ship through the vastness of space. Modelled after the ocean-faring frigates or ships-of-war of Old Earth, the Traveller had been made by the first and greatest spacefarers known to man.

Hi Omniregency, and welcome to AW. Just as an FYI, if you put your three sentences into a quote box, they won't transfer when someone uses the "reply with quote" option to respond, forcing them to cut and paste (as I did above).

Now, on to your opener: it's not bad, but I think you could tighten it up some, particularly if it's flash. Your reader can infer that The Time Traveller is a ship by the mention of a helm and sails, and you could lose that filtering in sentence 2 as well. The third sentence is telly backstory, and it's making me fear there's more to come.

I'd still probably read on, because I love this kind of story.
 

Marlys

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Hi! I write flash fiction almost exclusively and would love to take my writing to a new level so here are the first three sentences from a short I write recently. It is a sci-fi piece - three hundred words or less, can't remember exactly.

Thaddeus walked across the helm of his ship comma, not dash The Time Traveller. Through the domed screen, he sawcut filtering words like 'he saw' and 'he thought,' especially in a piece this short the Traveller's luminescent sails shift as they caught the interstellar winds, driving the sleek and ancient ship through the vastness of space. Modelled after the ocean-faring frigates or ships-of-war of Old Earth the Traveller had been made by the first and greatest spacefarers known to humanity.
Your opening seems very classic SF, which is nice, but the trouble is that it's all description. I don't know anything about Thaddeus except he has a ship. Consider adding some tension--maybe he's looking out the screen because something's odd or different, and he's worried about it. Maybe the old ship is making a weird noise that could be catastrophic. Maybe he's waiting breathlessly for the approach of his lover's ship. Just something to hook readers and make them read on to see what happens.

Best of luck with it. And if you're interested in some extra flash practice, check out the December challenge linked in my sig line.
 

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Your opening seems very classic SF, which is nice, but the trouble is that it's all description. I don't know anything about Thaddeus except he has a ship. Consider adding some tension--maybe he's looking out the screen because something's odd or different, and he's worried about it. Maybe the old ship is making a weird noise that could be catastrophic. Maybe he's waiting breathlessly for the approach of his lover's ship. Just something to hook readers and make them read on to see what happens.

Best of luck with it. And if you're interested in some extra flash practice, check out the December challenge linked in my sig line.

Sorry but without reading the whole piece how can you suggest plot ideas? You don't know what the next line is, all you really can say is that it lacks a suitable hook which is fair enough but to then go and say it is also lacking in plot before you have read the whole of the piece is a little over-reactive.

So if I may - rather than doing this in the future say something like - good sounding start, classic sci-fi but you need more of the plot of the piece to show in the first few lines as a hook for a reader.

Much better and more of the point that you were trying to make.
 

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Hi Omniregency, and welcome to AW. Just as an FYI, if you put your three sentences into a quote box, they won't transfer when someone uses the "reply with quote" option to respond, forcing them to cut and paste (as I did above).

Now, on to your opener: it's not bad, but I think you could tighten it up some, particularly if it's flash. Your reader can infer that The Time Traveller is a ship by the mention of a helm and sails, and you could lose that filtering in sentence 2 as well. The third sentence is telly backstory, and it's making me fear there's more to come.

I'd still probably read on, because I love this kind of story.

I know that there is backstory with the ship, but due to the fact that the ship is the driving point of the plot I need the reader to know why the ship is important. So I am stuck with having some backstory as it is needed for things to make sense. One can't write something without context or utterly devoid of backstory and the start was the best place to do that as anywhere else and it felt added and forced.
 

Marlys

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Another suggestion:
Sorry but without reading the whole piece how can you suggest plot ideas? You don't know what the next line is, all you really can say is that it lacks a suitable hook which is fair enough but to then go and say it is also lacking in plot before you have read the whole of the piece is a little over-reactive.

So if I may - rather than doing this in the future say something like - good sounding start, classic sci-fi but you need more of the plot of the piece to show in the first few lines as a hook for a reader.

Much better and more of the point that you were trying to make
Thanks for taking the time to comment on my opening..
 

dpaterso

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Thaddeus walked across the helm of his ship - The Time Traveller. Through the domed screen, he saw the Traveller's luminescent sails shift as they caught the interstellar winds, driving the sleek and ancient ship through the vastness of space. Modelled after the ocean-faring frigates or ships-of-war of Old Earth, the Traveller had been made by the first and greatest spacefarers known to man.
I'm okay with this and would read on. The ship's name made me think it's a time machine, the description says it's a space ship. Is it both?

After this set-up opening, I'd hope something goes clunk! in the next couple of lines -- i.e. something happens, a problem occurs and must be dealt with.

Sometimes readers are going to suggest things in the hope that something might fit your story and help it along, that's the nature of this thread and other feedback threads. Use whatever thoughts you happen to find useful. Even if you don't, always remember to say thanks.

-Derek
 

mrsmig

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Sorry but without reading the whole piece how can you suggest plot ideas? You don't know what the next line is, all you really can say is that it lacks a suitable hook which is fair enough but to then go and say it is also lacking in plot before you have read the whole of the piece is a little over-reactive.

So if I may - rather than doing this in the future say something like - good sounding start, classic sci-fi but you need more of the plot of the piece to show in the first few lines as a hook for a reader.

Much better and more of the point that you were trying to make.

I know that there is backstory with the ship, but due to the fact that the ship is the driving point of the plot I need the reader to know why the ship is important. So I am stuck with having some backstory as it is needed for things to make sense. One can't write something without context or utterly devoid of backstory and the start was the best place to do that as anywhere else and it felt added and forced.

One of the primary rules of the Share Your Work forums is that if you don't agree with the crits you were given, then simply say "thank you" and move on. Making excuses, arguing and being snarky when someone offers a crit - a crit you requested - is simply rude.
 

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Here's the beginning of a preposterous story that I haven't yet decided has an ending. I hope I get a prize for word count. (A kick in the shin isn't a prize.)

On the day of the Rapture-that-wasn't, the Lord descended in a chariot of fire and cried, “behold the power of God almighty, whose outstretched arm made the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth; hear the whisper of my words and know the thunder of my strength, for it dawns on the hour of righteous judgment!” and the credulous cried, “rejoice!” and the less credulous cried, “hang on a minute . . . ” and the incredulous cried, “behold the power of man, laid on the foundation of reason and built on the shoulders of giants, those mortal gods of Einstein and Oppenheimer!” and thus God was consumed in fire and scattered in the rising cloud, like 1.5 x 10^13 billowing spores, unmade by what many came to consider a flaw in the fundamentals of his own architecture.

Wanda Wilbur watched all this like most people did: on the television. She hadn't been surprised to meet her maker, being six weeks past her ninety-second birthday, but she had always imagined a more intimate affair.
 

Denevius

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On the day of the Rapture-that-wasn't, the Lord descended in a chariot of fire and cried, “behold the power of God almighty, whose outstretched arm made the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth; hear the whisper of my words and know the thunder of my strength, for it dawns on the hour of righteous judgment!” and the credulous cried, “rejoice!” and the less credulous cried, “hang on a minute . . . ” and the incredulous cried, “behold the power of man, laid on the foundation of reason and built on the shoulders of giants, those mortal gods of Einstein and Oppenheimer!” and thus God was consumed in fire and scattered in the rising cloud, like 1.5 x 10^13 billowing spores, unmade by what many came to consider a flaw in the fundamentals of his own architecture.

Wanda Wilbur watched all this like most people did: on the television. She hadn't been surprised to meet her maker, being six weeks past her ninety-second birthday, but she had always imagined a more intimate affair.

I think you would engage readers more with simpler, more concise sentences.
 

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Here's the beginning of a preposterous story that I haven't yet decided has an ending. I hope I get a prize for word count. (A kick in the shin isn't a prize.)

On the day of the Rapture-that-wasn't, the Lord descended in a chariot of fire and cried, “behold the power of God almighty, whose outstretched arm made the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth; hear the whisper of my words and know the thunder of my strength, for it dawns on the hour of righteous judgment!” and the credulous cried, “rejoice!” and the less credulous cried, “hang on a minute . . . ” and the incredulous cried, “behold the power of man, laid on the foundation of reason and built on the shoulders of giants, those mortal gods of Einstein and Oppenheimer!” and thus God was consumed in fire and scattered in the rising cloud, like 1.5 x 10^13 billowing spores, unmade by what many came to consider a flaw in the fundamentals of his own architecture.

Wanda Wilbur watched all this like most people did: on the television. She hadn't been surprised to meet her maker, being six weeks past her ninety-second birthday, but she had always imagined a more intimate affair.

I'd break that first bit into two sentence at least. I see the piece is following the rule of three, but would it be smoother if you dropped out the less credulous?

Where it becomes iffy for me is 'billowing spores'. How about stopping after cloud? It's getting quite close to the bit in HHGttG where the Babel fish disproves god and he disappears in a puff of logic.
 

dpaterso

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On the day of the Rapture-that-wasn't, the Lord descended in a chariot of fire and cried, “behold the power of God almighty, whose outstretched arm made the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth; hear the whisper of my words and know the thunder of my strength, for it dawns on the hour of righteous judgment!” and the credulous cried, “rejoice!” and the less credulous cried, “hang on a minute . . . ” and the incredulous cried, “behold the power of man, laid on the foundation of reason and built on the shoulders of giants, those mortal gods of Einstein and Oppenheimer!” and thus God was consumed in fire and scattered in the rising cloud, like 1.5 x 10^13 billowing spores, unmade by what many came to consider a flaw in the fundamentals of his own architecture.

Wanda Wilbur watched all this like most people did: on the television. She hadn't been surprised to meet her maker, being six weeks past her ninety-second birthday, but she had always imagined a more intimate affair.
Why, this is preposterous! Good try though, something different. I'd read on to see where it's going.

Brain fart thoughts, I think you could drop the spores thing which is maybe meant to play off the math genius of Einstein and Oppenheimer? You could as easily do this by mentioning a rising mushroom cloud. Although God's arriving in a chariot of fire and then being consumed by fire seemed like one fire too many.

Punctuation-wise, I'd start each spoken sentence with a capital letter, and separate them with semicolons after the closing double quotes. And God Almighty gets capped too, ditto His at the end of the 1st long sentence.

-Derek
 

Muggle Mike

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Thanks for the comments, guys!

Obviously this was meant to be silly. (I don't normally write in frenetic, ramblings-of-a-madman sentences.) Did it come across at all that this was meant to be humorous? I ask because the lines about the less-credulous and the 1.5x10^13 billowing spores are punchlines of sorts. I'm no Steven Wright, but without those lines there's no jokes left at all. Hmm, is it possible my mom was lying when she said was funny?

dpaterso, I'm always forgetting to capitalize God. Fortunately, I'm to understand He's the forgiving type.
 

Helix

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We got the joke. But, to mix metaphors in a hideous way, over-egging can drain the funny stuff. The spores thing comes out of nowhere and goes nowhere. As with all aspects of creative writing, it's important to trust the audience to fill in the missing bits without the writer turning into explicador.
 

Maria Ale Barrios

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Ok, I'll play. Are we still playing? Here I go:

"The weather channel had reported heavy winds when I first arrived in Nueva York with my mom and my brother, or “bro” as he insisted on being called now that we were in the USA. The first year we spent in the new country, my mom wasn’t keen on letting us go out much. “Remember that you don’t have any papeles.” Papers. We didn’t have any, so we spent most of our time telling each other stories about home just so we wouldn’t forget."
 
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The weather channel had reported heavy winds when I first arrived in Nueva York with my mom and my brother, or “bro” as he insisted on being called now that we were in the USA. The first year we spent in the new country, my mom wasn’t keen on letting us go out much. “Remember that you don’t have any papeles.

The first line is a little too long. You can shorten it into two, or at the least put a comma after ‘bro’.

These first three are interesting enough that I would read on a little further.
 

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"The weather channel had reported heavy winds when I first arrived in Nueva York with my mom and my brother, or “bro” as he insisted on being called now that we were in the USA. The first year we spent in the new country, my mom wasn’t keen on letting us go out much. “Remember that you don’t have any papeles.” Papers. We didn’t have any, so we spent most of our time telling each other stories about home just so we wouldn’t forget."

There's a lot happening here and it's hard to see where the focus of the story lies. I assumed at first that the heavy winds would play a big role, and that the story would concentrate on the family's first few days in America. I envisioned a newly-arrived Hispanic family trapped in a NYC apartment by the weather, with family tensions arising as cabin fever took over. But then the narrator goes on to talk about their first year, the heavy winds are quickly forgotten about, and the focus is on their undocumented status and their need to keep alive the memory of home.

Either one of these stories (the first few days hiding from the big storm, or the first year hiding from the authorities) could be an interesting story, but I think you need to make a decision as to which is the more important. You could link the two (maybe while they're waiting out the storm, the mom worries about their lack of papers and how they're going to have to keep hiding even when it's over), but the focus needs to start on one.
 

dpaterso

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"The weather channel had reported heavy winds when I first arrived in Nueva York with my mom and my brother, or “bro” as he insisted on being called now that we were in the USA. The first year we spent in the new country, my mom wasn’t keen on letting us go out much. “Remember that you don’t have any papeles.” Papers. We didn’t have any, so we spent most of our time telling each other stories about home just so we wouldn’t forget."
I found this readable, I'd continue to see where it goes.

You open with a weather channel report but don't refer to this again, it doesn't relate to what follows. You could try making it more personal to the narrator, e.g. What I remember most when I first arrived in Neuva York with my mom and my brother, or “bro” as he insisted on being called now that we were in the USA, were the heavy winds, they cut right through me and chilled me to the bone.

I count 5 sentences, no biggie. I assumed the opening and closing quotes aren't part of the sample.

-Derek
 

Maria Ale Barrios

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Hey guys,

First of all: thanks for all the amazing advice. I'll make some notes.

autumnleaf,

The heavy winds and the winter do play a huge role. However, I talk about it later; I could connect it sooner? The connection is between the winter and their undocumented status. Thanks for the advice, I will make it more clear.

dpaterso,

Good example. Thank you.

Denevius,

Good to see you again. Thanks for the advice. I'll change that right now.
 

Denevius

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REVISED: Title: GOYANGI SOJU. Genre: Horror. Estimated word length: 12,000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kim Sul-Li hated the English tutor.

“If we play a mean trick on him,” she told her best friend, Yang Won Bo, “I’m sure he won’t come back to Winding Lane.”

Won Bo looked at her reluctantly.
 

Joseph Schmol

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REVISED: Title: GOYANGI SOJU. Genre: Horror. Estimated word length: 12,000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kim Sul-Li hated the English tutor.

“If we play a mean trick on him,” she told her best friend, Yang Won Bo, “I’m sure he won’t come back to Winding Lane.”

Won Bo looked at her reluctantly.

It's a good set up. I'd read more.

Question: how does one look "reluctantly"? Why not show that instead?
 

autumnleaf

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Kim Sul-Li hated the English tutor.

“If we play a mean trick on him,” she told her best friend, Yang Won Bo, “I’m sure he won’t come back to Winding Lane.”

Won Bo looked at her reluctantly.

I like the first two lines; they set up the tone of the story well. You could perhaps be more specific about the "mean trick". The third line is too vague for me.
 

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AutumnLeaf and Joseph Schmol, thanks for the comments! Really appreciate it!