[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Thanks Mary Love, Derek, autumnleaf, and Ms.Pencila! Much appreciated.

Honestly, the three lines (and took Mary Love's advice in the process) I originally had were:

Someone knocked on the door. “Room service.”

"That must be my sandwich,” Ivan said. “Took them long enough."

---

Problem is, that says absolutely nothing about anything! Hahahaha. So I tried to put some information there, ya' know? Like, a normal reaction would be that... but it would also be pretty non-informative.

I'll see what I can do. Thanks for the feedback!

There was a knock on the door. “Room service.”

“I know this is the middle of Mexico, but I can’t believe that Russian millionaire brat can’t even put us in a good room.”

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Since it's part of a serial, it's hard to judge, as there's a lot of context missing.

The lines themselves seem fine.

Margaret blew her breath out hard as she surveyed the floor of the castle's great hall. Botheration, why had all the maids left to accompany Lady Alice before taking care of the monthly rush-changing? With the onerous job added to all her other castle cleaning work, Margaret thought her day couldnt get much worse-- having no idea of the drastic turn her day would soon take.

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Well, it's less dense, though some words can still be cut with minimum effect on the lines.

Ms.Pencila said:

Margaret blew her breath out hard as she surveyed the floor of the castle's great hall. Botheration, why had all the maids left to accompany Lady Alice before taking care of the monthly rush-changing? With the onerous job added to all her other castle cleaning work, Margaret thought her day couldnt get much worse-- having no idea of the drastic turn her day would soon take.

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I read from editors and agents that "no idea of the drastic turn her day would soon take", as well "thought her day couldn't get much worse" which are the same exact information, by the way, is a cause for instant rejection, because of how often they see it in the stories. That doesn't mean this can't be done well, just that they see it so much, they are weary of any beginnings like these, and already associate them with negative stuff - not something you want them to think when they read your first lines.

The line with the dragon was, indeed, much better. Also, I really don't think you need to cram so much infortmation about her day-to-day routine (I know they say you should Show, but in this case it's a bad advice, or at least leading in towards distractions while all you try to do is just to flesh out the main character more. It doesn't work, not in this particular case, sorry). So, less exposition, less focus on the main character's detailed pattern of thought - I'd rather you told me she is busy and annoyed (in a stylish/atmospheric way, though), then have you try to make me comprehend her exact thought process. And more dragon, please! That was exciting =).

Cernex said:

Thanks Mary Love, Derek, autumnleaf, and Ms.Pencila! Much appreciated.

Honestly, the three lines (and took Mary Love's advice in the process) I originally had were:

Someone knocked on the door. “Room service.”

"That must be my sandwich,” Ivan said. “Took them long enough."

---

Problem is, that says absolutely nothing about anything! Hahahaha. So I tried to put some information there, ya' know? Like, a normal reaction would be that... but it would also be pretty non-informative.

I'll see what I can do. Thanks for the feedback!

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I see no real problem with this. It reads quickly, and the eye will probably jump on to the next line where you start punching the real plot hints, so don't worry. Unless nothing else interesting happens in the next three to five sentences, you are fine. Not every story can have the hook in the first three sentences, the deal here is to have these first ones easily readable so that eye is naturally drawn to the next ones, which yours will probably do.

And yes, I find myself also compelled to change up the actual three first sentences of my stories in order to put them here. Most have the plot start in the fourth sentence, and grrrr, it is frustrating imagining squeezing those up to the three instead. But, I suppose it's not a good way to do it, though =). It always ends up feeling crammed in and/or expository.

Cernex said:

Thanks Mary Love, Derek, autumnleaf, and Ms.Pencila! Much appreciated.

Honestly, the three lines (and took Mary Love's advice in the process) I originally had were:

Someone knocked on the door. “Room service.”

"That must be my sandwich,” Ivan said. “Took them long enough."

---

Problem is, that says absolutely nothing about anything! Hahahaha. So I tried to put some information there, ya' know? Like, a normal reaction would be that... but it would also be pretty non-informative.

I'll see what I can do. Thanks for the feedback!

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Actually, I like that version better. It doesn't pack the same information that the other one did, sounds more natural, and actually starts me wondering if that's actually the room service (or is this a spy, assasin, or other interesting character about to enter?)

Oh well, scary as it is. Here are my first three lines of a short. Please tell me if there is anything wrong with them.

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Our granddaughter's friends wept. The girls and the boys both, huddled together in our house, the good old adobe thing - all arches, all wind-whistling gapes. I sat with them exactly where they had found me, by the working bench, my hands up to the elbows in greasy clay.
---

Our granddaughter's friends wept. The girls and the boys both, huddled together in our house, the good old adobe thing - all arches, all wind-whistling gapes. I sat with them exactly where they had found me, by the working bench, my hands up to the elbows in greasy clay.

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Works for me except for the phrasing, 'the good old adobe thing', which is confusing and awkwardly written.

Cinnamon said:

Oh well, scary as it is. Here are my first three lines of a short. Please tell me if there is anything wrong with them.

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Our granddaughter's friends wept. The girls and the boys both, huddled together in our house, the good old adobe thing - all arches, all wind-whistling gapes. I sat with them exactly where they had found me, by the working bench, my hands up to the elbows in greasy clay.
---

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The second sentence digresses too far into the house description. While nicely written, it feels very out of place in the situation you've set up.
You say they huddled together in the house, then you say I sat with them by the working bench--is the work bench also in the house?
Finally, potters clay is slippery, I've never heard it described as greasy, but that's a personal preference nitpick.

Overall, this could benefit from a touch more clarity and focus, but I'd read on to see why everyone's sitting around weeping. Good luck with the short!

Cinnamon said:

Oh well, scary as it is. Here are my first three lines of a short. Please tell me if there is anything wrong with them.

---
Our granddaughter's friends wept. The girls and the boys both, huddled together in our house, the good old adobe thing - all arches, all wind-whistling gapes. I sat with them exactly where they had found me, by the working bench, my hands up to the elbows in greasy clay.
---

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I love this, but I think your punctuation is muddy. So I ignored that, and read is more as though the first two sentences were one.

And also - up to the elbows is arms, more than hands, I'd have thought.

But I love the feel of this, and the space around it. Would def read on.

@ Denevius, Mary Love, mccardey,

Thank you so much. If you could... please tell me how I can get it better (with reference to "clumsy writing" and "muddy punctuation"). The way I did it is wrong, yes? What you mean by clumsy there is the "good old" or the "thing"? What you mean by "muddy punctuation" is that the second sentence is a sentence fragment, right? So should I unite them? Would that read better, smoother, and not become too lengthy in the process?

With the reference to the clarity/focus: is it really a big issue? My whole writing is kinda like that, and now I am concerned =(.

Sorry to bother you, but I am just learning to write in English, and some things people tell me are definitely flying over my head without an explanation. I really want to better myself, but I feel lost sometimes in these general descriptions, sorry. Thank you again!

Cinnamon said:

@ Denevius, Mary Love, mccardey,

Thank you so much. If you could... please tell me how I can get it better (with reference to "clumsy writing" and "muddy punctuation"). The way I did it is wrong, yes? What you mean by clumsy there is the "good old" or the "thing"? What you mean by "muddy punctuation" is that the second sentence is a sentence fragment, right? So should I unite them? Would that read better, smoother, and not become too lengthy in the process?

With the reference to the clarity/focus: is it really a big issue? My whole writing is kinda like that, and now I am concerned =(.

Sorry to bother you, but I am just learning to write in English, and some things people tell me are definitely flying over my head without an explanation. I really want to better myself, but I feel lost sometimes in these general descriptions, sorry. Thank you again!

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Oh it's so lovely, I'm frightened of touching it! Argh!

Your first two sentences

Our granddaughter's friends wept. The girls and the boys both, huddled together in our house, the good old adobe thing - all arches, all wind-whistling gapes. .
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Oh no I can't - sorry. It's not-quite-standard and that's part of its lyricism for me. All I can clearly say is that I would lose the full stop after wept: and try to make one sentence, but let it hold the two ideas - the way grief holds things all at once.

I'm not an editor, sorry, and I don't know where exactly you're at with your English, but this fragment I think is just lovely. Someone with a steadier touch and more courage than I might come in soon...

Oh but also - I had no trouble at all with the clarity.

Valante said:

This thread looks both amusing and enlightening. Here's the first three from my "Memorium":

Wednesday early morning, and the Memorium at the mall is already open. Papa Sedge sits at the counter, reading the paper and chewing his nicotine gum. I nod at him as I wheel in, and he folds down the pages.

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I like it exactly as is. Nicely done.

Cinnamon said:

Oh well, scary as it is. Here are my first three lines of a short. Please tell me if there is anything wrong with them.

---
Our granddaughter's friends wept. The girls and the boys both, huddled together in our house, the good old adobe thing - all arches, all wind-whistling gapes. I sat with them exactly where they had found me, by the working bench, my hands up to the elbows in greasy clay.
---

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It's a promising start and I'd read more.

Title: DAGGER TO THE BACK. Genre: Fantasy. Estimated Word Count: 3000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kal Joo Won dropped to one knee on the wooden boards. “I dedicate my life to protecting you,” he said, and proffered to Nalisa a sapphire engagement ring.

Titters spread through the sword seonsu watching, and Joo Won barely managed to duck the left hook to his temple.

Denevius said:

Title: DAGGER TO THE BACK. Genre: Fantasy. Estimated Word Count: 3000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kal Joo Won dropped to one knee on the wooden boards<<boards are usually wooden, feels redundant. “I dedicate my life to protecting you,” he said, and proffered to Nalisa a sapphire engagement ring.

Titters spread through the sword seonsu watching, and Joo Won barely managed to duck the left hook to his temple.

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I like it. I like it a lot, would definitely read on, good job!

Nice hook, Denevius! Only nit is the wooden boards part (which Mary Love kinda already pointed out) though I'm leaning more towards maybe the floor of their location instead? Wooden boards doesn't exactly tell us too much.

The first(?) of a four part series. Title: THE SLEEPY WARRIOR. Genre: Fantasy. Word Count: 3000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kal Joo Won cupped the poison in his palm and sat down across from the only seonsu who scared him. Pouring them both tall glasses of beer, he smiled a wide-lipped greeting at the slender sword player and said with bright cheer, “Shin Shi’u, a toast to tomorrow’s tournament! May the player with an indomitable spirit make their lessers bend to break under the onslaught!”

Denevius said:

Kal Joo Won cupped the poison in his palm and sat down across from the only seonsu who scared him.

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That does it mean "cupped"? I am sorry, but "poison" sounds too vague. Is it a vial of poison, or a gum, or a poisonous berry? It is too distracting not to have to be reread a couple of times. By the way, the name of the character sets the scene well enough, and seonsu is a little too much tight awesome information for one sentence. We have the established setting, the poison, the act of sitting down across from seonsu, and seonsu being italicized... one sentence can take only so much, maybe branch the seonsu into the next sentence? He is a warrior, right? And still, in the next sentence you specify that, and I am not sure - why describe this person twice? Seonsu = slender sword player. It could be said just once, instead. And it raises too many questions. Is Kal Joo Won seonsu himself? Are there other seonsu around them?

Denevius said:

Pouring them both tall glasses of beer, he smiled a wide-lipped greeting at the slender sword player and said with bright cheer, “Shin Shi’u, a toast to tomorrow’s tournament! May the player with an indomitable spirit make their lessers bend to break under the onslaught!”

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"Wide-lipped" and "slender sword player" are too close together and too epithety to read them smoothly. The tongue naturally bumps on both. I would choose one and leave out the other. Having two is too busy for one sentence. Besides, it is not entirely clear that seonsu, Shin Shi'u and the slender sword player are the same person. You would think there are many people around that table. Clarity is key. Just say Shin Shi'u or warrior instead of seonsu in the beginning, and then say that Kal Joo Won toasts him, without the name in the speech. No need for the wide-lipped greeting. When he pours those beers we know he is fishy, having a poison in his hand. And his toast sounds incredibly cheery to contrast this. So, basically, it does your job on its own without the unnecessary descriptions around it.

Hope something of this is helpful =).

Okay, I'll play. Here are the first four (I cheat) lines from a short I submitted to a contest. I didn't win. Hell I didn't even place in the top 18.


Kathy took a long, deep drag of her cigarette, then exhaled the smoke out the open window. She had promised her husband she wouldn't smoke in the apartment, but she was too upset to go downstairs for the nicotine fix. She had also promised that she'd be faithful to him.Today, she didn't keep either promise.

dpaterso said:

That works for me, she's under stress and the suggestion she'll be unfaithful works as a hook, I'd read on. I'd name her husband instead of having her think of him as "her husband".

-Derek

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Thanks. I used her lovers name in the story, but always had her refer to her spouse as 'her husband'. I was trying to show her cavalier attitude toward the marriage, even though she needed him as much as she needed her lover. As I said, I didn't even place in the contest.

The contest was to write a story based on a photograph for a small weekly newspaper. I think my subject matter, infidelity-sex in the afternoon-marital secrets, was too much for a conservative throwaway paper.

Kathy took a long, deep drag of her cigarette, then exhaled the smoke out the open window. She had promised her husband she wouldn't smoke in the apartment, but she was too upset to go downstairs for the nicotine fix. She had also promised that she'd be faithful to him.

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Works for me. I'd read on.