Thanks guys, this is helpful! Denevius, to clarify, are you familiar with the story of Jonestown? I can't figure out the extent to which I can assume knowledge...I hoped that the title would contextualize what's going on.
Nine hundred and eighteen bodies swelled in the jungle sun.
Tom Rowley realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. Now he wondered how his carefully crafted game went south so quickly. He'd walked away confident, his safety assured, but the game turned to shit fast leaving him exposed.
Tom Rowley realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. Now he wondered how his carefully crafted game went south so quickly. He'd walked away confident, his safety assured, but the game turned to shit fast leaving him exposed.
Tom Rowley realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. Now he wondered how his carefully crafted game went south so quickly. He'd walked away confident, his safety assured, but the game turned to shit fast leaving him exposed.
This opening tries hard to rack up tension but there's so little info it's hard to get into. Next couple of lines could change everything, and sure, I'd read them to find out. Tho' maybe whatever's in the next couple of lines could be sprinkled into these lines somehow, making it meatier. Just a thought. Should "went south" be "had gone south"?Tom Rowley realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. Now he wondered how his carefully crafted game went south so quickly. He'd walked away confident, his safety assured, but the game turned to shit fast leaving him exposed.
Tom Rowley realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. Now he wondered how his carefully crafted game went south so quickly. He'd walked away confident, his safety assured, but the game turned to shit fast leaving him exposed.
Found this rather confusing. The 3rd sentence doesn't seem to have anything to do with the 1st two. It's also not very clear where the MC is right now. Is he recalling what his brother said about whoever she is or is he currently with his brother while said brother is reading the names of the dead? Or are they in the jungle? Or is the mention of the bodies in the jungle referring to all the people who apparently died?“She was always weird,” my brother said, after reading the names of the dead, in the bathtub, smoking a cigar. Still, I had loved her, and the news shook me. Nine hundred and eighteen bodies swelled in the jungle sun.
This is coming across as all telling. For instance, maybe show us how Tom realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. This is also coming across as rather vague. Maybe consider adding some more details like what game is he talking about. There's also some repetition here like how we keep being told something went wrong, but not what exactly went wrong.Tom Rowley realized the next few hours were critical to his survival. Now he wondered how his carefully crafted game went south so quickly. He'd walked away confident, his safety assured, but the game turned to shit fast leaving him exposed.
CongratsI just wanted to poke my head in here and say thank to you to the folks that helped me with the first three sentences of "The Nompers" awhile back. I just received an email from an anthology I was dying to be a part of accepting the short story for their upcoming issue. It's my first semi-pro sale (everything has been token or nothing so far) so I'm pretty geeked. Thank you everyone!
This is from "Never Again"
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Vi lounged on the steps scanning the streets nervously. After this, she would finally be accepted into the order, she'd dreamed of this day ever since that shadow swooped down to save her from that awful man. No one was ever going to hurt her like that again.
This is from "Never Again"
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Vi lounged on the steps scanning the streets nervously. After this, she would finally be accepted into the order, she'd dreamed of this day ever since that shadow swooped down to save her from that awful man. No one was ever going to hurt her like that again.
Vi waited on the steps of the busy street, the marketplace abnormally busy today added to her stricken nerves. Clothes torn and knees bloody, a small child lay in the gutter sobbing, memories that Vi thought were long suppressed rushed to the surface. Vi fought back tears, she would finally be accepted into the order after this, then no one was going to hurt her like that again.
The comma splices and grammar errors make this a difficult read. I think you would benefit from more periods and less commas to clarify your prose.
Ashley had an expansive view from the attic window. Often she peered out at the old town, and despised it. Eaveston was one of those little oddities out in the distant country, an antique far from modern urbanity, as old fashioned and dead as 1910.
Vi waited on the steps of the busy marketplace street, nerves stricken with anticipation. Memories thought long suppressed rushed to the surface at the sound of a small child sobbing. Never again she thought, she would never be hurt like that again.
This is from "Never Again"
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Vi lounged on the steps scanning the streets nervously. After this, she would finally be accepted into the order, she'd dreamed of this day ever since that shadow swooped down to save her from that awful man. No one was ever going to hurt her like that again.
Here's my first three for a story I'm working on. Hopefully it's interesting.
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Ashley had an expansive view from the attic window. Often she peered out at the old town, and despised it. Eaveston was one of those little oddities out in the distant country, an antique far from modern urbanity, as old fashioned and dead as 1910.
Thanks for the comments, I was trying to get too much information into those 3 sentences. How is this?
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Vi waited on the steps of the busy marketplace street, nerves stricken with anticipation. Memories thought long suppressed rushed to the surface at the sound of a small child sobbing. Never again she thought, she would never be hurt like that again.
Some deeper POV and immediacey would make this more gripping. Good luck!Thanks for the comments, I was trying to get too much information into those 3 sentences. How is this?
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Vi waited on the steps of the busy marketplace street, try to show nerves stricken try to show with anticipation. Memoriesthoughtlong suppressed rushed to the surface at the sound of a small child sobbing. try to make more active (a child sobbed) Never againshe thought, she would never be hurt like that again.
This doesn't give me a good visual of the town. You state that she has an expansive view and then not discribe what of. But honestly, I'm more curious about the attic window. I'm getting a cinderella vibe. Good luck!Here's my first three for a story I'm working on. Hopefully it's interesting.
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Ashley had an expansive view from the attic window. Often she peered out at the old town, and despised it. Eaveston was one of those little oddities out in the distant country, an antique far from modern urbanity, as old fashioned and dead as 1910.