[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Jo Yan · Jul 21, 2017

Hedwig said:
Certainly everyone has their preferences when it comes to fiction. My understanding is that second person is not often used, so I thought I would try my hand at it. What is it exactly about second person that you don't trust?

As I said in the other post -- who is the referent?

I've read many stories where the you is ambiguous. Is it the reader? Some other incarnation of the narrator? The author? Or (the worst) no one in particular.

That said, if your "you" is an earlier version of the narrator, I can see why you would write it this way and it might work just fine. My bias might be entirely unreasonable.

Jo Yan · Jul 21, 2017

divine-intestine said:
Here's three lines from one of the horror stories I've been working on lately:

Blazing fires had raged within me for days, exhaling through my pores. Is this metaphorical, or are we to take this claim literally? If so, is 'fires" a living creature capable of "exhaling," or was exhaling a clumsy word choice? And who is this "me" that can withstand "blazing fires" for "days'? So it must be metaphorical, right?Veins in my tied arms bulged with strain. If the fires burned for days, then this character was likewise restrained for days? Yet his/her veins still bulge? Wouldn't most be exhausted at this point? A superhuman person perhaps? Pungent smells of sweat and singed hair filled my nostrils, disgusting and arousing. "singed hair" means the fires are literal after all? Wow.

I've too many questions about what world this is and what species the character might be to get invested in the story. The writing feels especially purple as well.

I'm not the right audience here, so I'd pass.

divine-intestine · Jul 21, 2017

Jo Yan said:
I'm not the right audience here, so I'd pass.

Thanks for the invaluable feedback!

mrsmig · Jul 21, 2017

divine-intestine said:
Here's three lines from one of the horror stories I've been working on lately:

Blazing fires had raged within me for days, exhaling through my pores. Veins in my tied arms bulged with strain. Pungent smells of sweat and singed hair filled my nostrils, disgusting and arousing.

This isn't hooking me, and I think it's because I can't get a fix on the narrator. There's a lot of body parts acting/being acted upon, and highly dramatic descriptions of same, but no real sense of a character.

It's smacking a bit too much of the creation of Deadpool, without the black humor.

divine-intestine · Jul 21, 2017

mrsmig said:
This isn't hooking me, and I think it's because I can't get a fix on the narrator. There's a lot of body parts acting/being acted upon, and highly dramatic descriptions of same, but no real sense of a character.

It's smacking a bit too much of the creation of Deadpool, without the black humor.

Ha ha!

Incidentally, I don't know anything about the creation of Deadpool. Thanks for the great feedback!

Jo Yan · Jul 22, 2017

divine-intestine said:
Thanks for the invaluable feedback!

Thank you, d-i.

I'm heartened to learn the 15 minutes of my life spent considering your fiction was not poorly spent.

Paula Davids · Jul 23, 2017

From a story entitled, 'The Butterfly'.

“The accommodations chosen to house the witness hardly argue for sentience!”

“Your Honour, defence is merely casting imprecations. The witness is a former population cluster leader from one of their most significant planetary sectors.

mrsmig · Jul 23, 2017

Paula Davids said:
From a story entitled, 'The Butterfly'.

“The accommodations chosen to house the witness hardly argue for sentience!”

“Your Honour, defence is merely casting imprecations. The witness is a former population cluster leader from one of their most significant planetary sectors.

I think this has potential, but two things would put me off reading further:

1) unattributed dialogue in an opening makes me a bit crazy, especially when more than one speaker is involved. It's like trying to watch a movie with your eyes closed, or listening to a conversation through a wall. You don't get full immersion.

2) the language is already stiff and formal due to the setting, but the techno-jargon layered on top of that is even more distancing than the unattributed dialogue.

You may be just about to introduce an actual character (although the lack of a closing quote on the third line makes me fear there's still more unattributed dialogue to come), but right now I'm just not hooked.

Svader · Jul 23, 2017

So, I just started a new short story. Not sure what it will be titled, but it follows a member of the Paparazzi for a day. Here's the first three lines:

All the social media websites he normally checked showed Cory nothing new. The sightings reported were the same people seen around southern California every day. He needed something new and he needed it fast.

pamrobi · Jul 23, 2017

This premise has got me interested but your voice is a little distant, and you have some "filtering" happening. How about something along the lines of

Svader said:
The social media sites showed same old C-list celebrities and desperate wannabes who rattled around southern California every day. Cory needed something new and he needed it fast.

Denevius · Jul 23, 2017

All the social media websites he normally checked showed Cory nothing new. The sightings reported were the same people seen around southern California every day. He needed something new and he needed it fast.

Not sure I would read on, but this is a solid opening. Right now, there's nothing to it pulling me in, but there's nothing particularly wrong about the lines, either.

Helix · Jul 23, 2017

Paula Davids said:
From a story entitled, 'The Butterfly'.

“The accommodations chosen to house the witness hardly argue for sentience!”

“Your Honour, defence is merely casting imprecations. The witness is a former population cluster leader from one of their most significant planetary sectors.

Because these sentences are without context*, as a reader I'd be focussing on whether those words carry more meaning than they do. Frex, the plural 'accommodations' for a single entity, and the use of 'imprecations'.

* I can tell it's a court, but who speaks first? Is it the judge or prosecutor?

Svader · Jul 23, 2017

Thanks, Pamrobi! That does help!

Paula Davids · Jul 24, 2017

Helix said:
Because these sentences are without context*, as a reader I'd be focussing on whether those words carry more meaning than they do. Frex, the plural 'accommodations' for a single entity, and the use of 'imprecations'.

* I can tell it's a court, but who speaks first? Is it the judge or prosecutor?

My thanks to both mrsmig and Helix for your comments.
Let me first say that I am embarrassed at making an elementary error. Helix gently asks who speaks first – it is defence, or rather, as it should be (capitalised) Defence. And thank you, mrsmig for your encouraging vote of confidence – that the opening lines hint at potential (though I don’t assume that I have realised it – perhaps at some time in the future I will pluck up courage to post the entire 500 word story: then you will be able to guide me). Certainly, in the future I will more careful of unattributed dialogue.

Bonus · Jul 25, 2017

I've completed my first short story a few days ago. The story is called 'The Marble.' It's an attempt to write a SF story involving a time traveler. Here it is:

"Jack opened the box as soon as he returned home. His house was once a mill, but after his father was called to sea it was slowly forgotten. The massive wooden wheel broke off and was now lying in the ditch, unseen by overgrown weeds outside."

It sort of starts in the middle and then proceeds to tell the readers how he got the box.

mrsmig · Jul 25, 2017

Bonus said:
I've completed my first short story a few days ago. The story is called 'The Marble.' It's an attempt to write a SF story involving a time traveler. Here it is:

"Jack opened the box as soon as he returned home. His house was once a mill, but after his father was called to sea it was slowly forgotten. The massive wooden wheel broke off and was now lying in the ditch, unseen by overgrown weeds outside."

It sort of starts in the middle and then proceeds to tell the readers how he got the box.

I think it's an interesting start - I like the setting - but it feels a bit like a bait and switch. Your first sentence has Jack opening the box, but rather than continue with that action and its consequences, you retreat into backstory.

The third sentence doesn't work for me. Since I assume the action of the wheel breaking off took place in the past, I feel the need for the past perfect tense, i.e. "the wheel had broken off." And the final phrase makes it sound like the weeds are unable to see the wheel, when I think what you're trying to say is that the weeds are hiding the wheel.

If the wheel and Jack's mill home are important to the story, maybe you should back up just a smidge and begin your story as Jack returns home, anticipating opening the box once he gets there. Maybe he could pass the ditch and observe the broken wheel as he does so, which would give him a reason to think about his father. As this opening stands, though, I wouldn't read on.

sockycat · Jul 25, 2017

Bonus said:
I've completed my first short story a few days ago. The story is called 'The Marble.' It's an attempt to write a SF story involving a time traveler. Here it is:

"Jack opened the box as soon as he returned home. His house was once a mill, but after his father was called to sea it was slowly forgotten. The massive wooden wheel broke off and was now lying in the ditch, unseen by overgrown weeds outside."

It sort of starts in the middle and then proceeds to tell the readers how he got the box.

I like the description of the mill but the first sentence doesn't seem to play well with the last two. Is there a way you could rework this so that we're not being given a current moment that's immediately followed by two lines of backstory?

Bonus · Jul 25, 2017

Thank you both for reading it. You really helped me out see some things I haven't really considered while writing the story. I've been on this forum for a few days, and already I'm really happy with joining. I'm going to keep in mind your review and rework the whole story.

be frank · Jul 25, 2017

Bonus said:
"Jack opened the box as soon as he returned home. His house was once a mill, but after his father was called to sea it was slowly forgotten. The massive wooden wheel broke off and was now lying in the ditch, unseen by overgrown weeds outside."

FWIW, I find the close proximity of "Jack" and "box" kinda distracting. My brain immediately went to Pop Goes The Weasel.

Bonus · Jul 25, 2017

be frank said:
FWIW, I find the close proximity of "Jack" and "box" kinda distracting. My brain immediately went to Pop Goes The Weasel.

It kinda does now that you mention it.

sockycat · Jul 25, 2017

Bonus said:
Thank you both for reading it. You really helped me out see some things I haven't really considered while writing the story. I've been on this forum for a few days, and already I'm really happy with joining. I'm going to keep in mind your review and rework the whole story.

Welcome to AW! One of the best ways to learn is to critique other work--trust me. You'll get soooo good at spotting clunk and cliche once you've read a lot of it.

And because I'm a total fangirl, I always recommend that everyone who likes and/or wishes to write short fiction follow Daily Science Fiction. You'll get a bite sized story in your email every weekday for free, and reading is one of the best ways to learn how to improve.

Hedwig · Jul 25, 2017

sockycat said:
And because I'm a total fangirl, I always recommend that everyone who likes and/or wishes to write short fiction follow Daily Science Fiction. You'll get a bite sized story in your email every weekday for free, and reading is one of the best ways to learn how to improve.

Thanks for the tip!!

sockycat · Jul 25, 2017

Hedwig said:
Thanks for the tip!!

Ohh I just thought of another! Flash Fiction Online is a great venue, too. Both FFO and DSF are pro-markets that are hard to get into so you can learn a lot because you now what you're reading is quality. I'm a big fan of flash pieces because I end up reading genres I'm typically not to sit through 4,000+ words for. DSF is my favorite of the two, but both are great.

tiddlywinks · Jul 25, 2017

Bonus said:
I've completed my first short story a few days ago. The story is called 'The Marble.' It's an attempt to write a SF story involving a time traveler. Here it is:

"Jack opened the box as soon as he returned home. His house was once a mill, but after his father was called to sea it was slowly forgotten. The massive wooden wheel broke off and was now lying in the ditch, unseen by overgrown weeds outside."

It sort of starts in the middle and then proceeds to tell the readers how he got the box.

I'm going to +1 mrsmig. I had a big fat "huh?" reading the second sentence after the first since I was expecting to learn more about the box. I don't see any connection between the fact that his house was a mill and this mysterious box, so I wouldn't continue on in the story based on that.

Pick one or the other and go from there. I vote for the box

Denevius · Jul 25, 2017

"Jack opened the box as soon as he returned home. His house was once a mill, but after his father was called to sea it was slowly forgotten. The massive wooden wheel broke off and was now lying in the ditch, unseen by overgrown weeds outside."

The immediate infodump following the first line probably won't work for many readers. I suggest just showing him opening the box. Wait until he sees the wheel in the ditch before explaining what and why it's there.

[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Jo Yan

Jo Yan

divine-intestine

Hardened drinker

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

divine-intestine

Hardened drinker

Jo Yan

Paula Davids

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Svader

pamrobi

Denevius

Helix

socially distancing

Svader

Paula Davids

Bonus

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

sockycat

Bonus

be frank

not a bloke, not named frank

Bonus

sockycat

Hedwig

sockycat

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies

Denevius