[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story
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dpaterso
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I'm not saying content isn't interesting, but it feels as if you've smushed more than three sentences together, creating a hard-to-read wad of run-on sentences. I'd hate to think you were doing this just to see what everyone says.
-Derek
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I think you'd be delighted with your writing if you simplified and trimmed it just a bit. Less can be so much more.
Jebus.
All these descriptions are good and the writing is good - but not all at once. You're telling us the same thing over and over, but dressed in different clothing. The story is already sagging under the weight of all these words.
It's a SHORT story. Concision is key. Every word that doesn't move the plot forward holds it back. Pick your best description and jettison the rest (or save it for another story).
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Thanks, guys. I suffer from PTSD. ??? It means I have to get things done; not now, but right now. There's no tomorrow for me, just today. Unfortunately, that psychological condition permeates my writing, too. To wit: I have to get as much info in before the walls collapse.
Yes, that's an excuse, but it's true, though. Nevertheless, I WILL make a conscious effort to slenderize my writing in the future.
Yes, that's an excuse, but it's true, though. Nevertheless, I WILL make a conscious effort to slenderize my writing in the future.
Is this a step in the right direction?
It was late on a Saturday night. Once again, Thrasher found himself to be drunk as usual. He finally came to believe he’d thrown back his last tallboy of high-gravity beer; at least for a month, anyway. He was fifty-years-old but already sporting a belly resembling a construction boulder. His diseased liver, the constant vibrato in his skinny hands, and the yolk-colored sclera of his eyes, only served to remind him that his days were numbered if he didn’t stop tippling soon.
It was late on a Saturday night. Once again, Thrasher found himself to be drunk as usual. He finally came to believe he’d thrown back his last tallboy of high-gravity beer; at least for a month, anyway. He was fifty-years-old but already sporting a belly resembling a construction boulder. His diseased liver, the constant vibrato in his skinny hands, and the yolk-colored sclera of his eyes, only served to remind him that his days were numbered if he didn’t stop tippling soon.
It's a critique thread for the first three sentences
It's not a bad start, but on its own it wouldn't impel me onwards. The fourth and fifth sentences would be just as effective actually - which may mean you're being a little repetitive. You are a little repetitive even here - once again and as usual in the same sentence, for instance.
I'd be on the fence, absent further info - so your next sentences would be extra-important.
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Once more with feeling.
It was late on a Saturday night and Thrasher found himself to be drunk as usual. At fifty years old, he was already sporting a belly resembling a construction boulder. Nearing the crest of liver failure, he finally came to believe he’d thrown back his last tallboy of high-gravity beer; at least for a month, anyway.
It was late on a Saturday night and Thrasher found himself to be drunk as usual. At fifty years old, he was already sporting a belly resembling a construction boulder. Nearing the crest of liver failure, he finally came to believe he’d thrown back his last tallboy of high-gravity beer; at least for a month, anyway.
Neater, but I think what's missing is something that leads me to wonder what will happen next.
Either I need to be terribly interested in the character, or I need to be gripped by the story. At the moment you're taking three sentences to tell me that this man probably won't be able to stop drinking. For a short story, that's quite a lot of space. What's the thing about your character or his story that I won't be able to look away from? Try to work that in early - as early as possible.
I agree with mccardey...and would add that the sentence construction gives it a feeling of distance. That's fine if it's the tone you're aiming for, but if it isn't, then some rewording might be in order.
A little background on the story.
Thrasher is basically a homeless street drunk. He runs into the stricken dark angel Asmodeus in an alley that night. He unwittingly helps Asmodeus suck the souls out of his drug-addicted street pals. Asmodeus, instead of killing Thrasher, decides to keep him as he's a magnet for the low lives out there.
What I'm hoping to illustrate is Thrasher may seem like he has no redeemable values except to the fallen angel Asmodeus. How do I convey this in the first three sentences? Would I even need to?
Thrasher is basically a homeless street drunk. He runs into the stricken dark angel Asmodeus in an alley that night. He unwittingly helps Asmodeus suck the souls out of his drug-addicted street pals. Asmodeus, instead of killing Thrasher, decides to keep him as he's a magnet for the low lives out there.
What I'm hoping to illustrate is Thrasher may seem like he has no redeemable values except to the fallen angel Asmodeus. How do I convey this in the first three sentences? Would I even need to?
I think you'd need to, because without some of that information, a browsing reader has nothing to react to - and unless they're a tame browsing reader, they'll be looking for some angle or hook or reason to read on. If it were mine, I'd be mentioning Asmodeus before the first sentence is over - up in the first half of the first sentence, probably. In a short story I think that would be a valid move, because if I'm right, it's Asmodeus who is going to trigger the reader's interest in Thrasher's life, isn't it? So A is a pretty big player.
ETA: This is just what I'd do. It's not the right way or the wrong way. Grain of salt and all that.
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This might be getting a bit beyond the brief of this thread. But I get no impression from those (rather rococo) three sentences that he's living on the streets. The reference to the construction boulder makes me think he might be a builder. '[C]rest of liver failure' suggests that he has had a diagnosis. (And I'd chose something less triumphant than 'crest'.) Also do homeless alcoholics in the US drink beer? Seems a bit bland for an alcoholic.
In those first three sentences, I'd like to know that he's a hopeless and homeless street drunk.
Fascinating responses.
1. Bringing Asmodeus up in the first sentence would change the POV of the story to him. I guess I can give that a shot and see how it works.
2. If the POV is still Thrasher, then yeah, I do need to mention he's a homeless and hopeless street drunk. The thing is, are people sympathetic to these guys these days? Maybe a magazine whose focus is on the plight of the downtrodden might, I don't know.
1. Bringing Asmodeus up in the first sentence would change the POV of the story to him. I guess I can give that a shot and see how it works.
2. If the POV is still Thrasher, then yeah, I do need to mention he's a homeless and hopeless street drunk. The thing is, are people sympathetic to these guys these days? Maybe a magazine whose focus is on the plight of the downtrodden might, I don't know.
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Not necessarily. Depends how you do it, as Helix said.
ETA: How are you doing with that pain thing?
No pain, no gain. Isn't that what Bruce Lee said? I feel encouraged. Thanks to all who replied.
Okay, I'll give it a whirl...this is the start of a fairly tongue-in-cheek short ghost story WIP:
“We forgot what?”
Sir Edwin stared at me over his Royal Worcester teacup. It was a minor miracle that the poor dear hadn’t dropped it; I really ought to have chosen a better moment to launch this bombshell than when he was in the middle of a well-deserved sip of tea.
“We forgot what?”
Sir Edwin stared at me over his Royal Worcester teacup. It was a minor miracle that the poor dear hadn’t dropped it; I really ought to have chosen a better moment to launch this bombshell than when he was in the middle of a well-deserved sip of tea.
I like all this but the last sentence, which is so long and clause-y that it's fatiguing to read. I think your readers can intuit that he's drinking tea without the final 13 words.
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I'm okay with this, and would read on to find out what it is. I think you'd drop a bombshell rather than launch one.
-Derek
Though this semicolon works a bit better than when others have tried it in this thread, it still seems awkward, especially for a third sentence of a short story. A period calls so much less attention to itself, and in fiction, I think you're trying to get people to submerge into your world as quickly as possible, not push them out as they contemplate your choice of punctuation.
Other than that, these lines work.
Love it. I'd have ended it after bombshell. (We already know he has tea, and the sipping doesn't add anything, plus it slows the nice little current you've built up so cleverly.)
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Thanks, all--I'll pour out the well-deserved sip. I dithered over "launch" versus "drop" for the bombshell, but I'd already used dropped earlier in the sentence and didn't want to repeat a word. Any thoughts?
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If you're trimming the end as suggested, then tweaking the first drop to "It was a minor miracle that the poor dear hadn’t spilled his tea everywhere" or similar could do the biz. Leaving drop free for the bombshell.
-Derek