[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Denevius said:

SECOND REVISON: This should be my last revision of the opening three for a couple of days at least. Tentative Title: ALTERATION. Genre: Fantasy. Word Count: 3000-6000 words.

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When the orange fireballs lit the evening sky, Hwang Seung-Ah stirred. She crept down the tree away from her mother and siblings, and watched the other tigers cower in the branches. The dragons that belched the bright goblets of flame from North Han would never deliberately hit South Han, but her people didn’t like the explosive thunderclaps when the dragon breath struck the oceans surrounding the divided country.

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I love the names of your various characters, and this one is no exception.

Good opening. Quite visual without being overly "cinematic." I agree with the criticism of sentence three, although I didn't find it as offensive. Thought on sentence two: if she "crept down" to watch the other tigers cower, then I would write it as "to watch" and not "and watched."

I'd read more.

Sockycat, Urban Spaceman, and Joseph Schmol, thanks for the comments! I'll wait now to see what the replies are in the first 200 to revise these opening three.

I have a bad habit of scanning topics sometimes and replying before fully understanding what is asked for and why. Had I realized I was to post the first three sentences of my short story to have its "hook" critiqued, I never ... would ... have replied.

The three sentences I submitted, were from a short story I posted earlier at critiquecircle.com under the category "Literary Fiction." It's intended to be a little vague and ambiguous with the hope readers will fill in the blanks, and by doing so, make the story a little more their own. It was very well received at that website.

There's some vivid description of the story's setting and some of its action, but it's mostly a character study. I'm not sure a dramatic hook is appropriate given the nature of the story. It builds slowly.

When I came back later, I was surprised to see peoples' opening sentences being critiqued. I was also disappointed the first critique of my sentences was less than favorable. My reply to that post was meant to be mostly tongue-and-cheek, but yes, also a bit sarcastic. I'm pretty good about receiving criticism when it's expected, but this was not the case.

I now realize the poster who first commented on my submission was trying to be helpful, and that, under the circumstances, my own response was ungenerous and more than a little rude. For that, I apologize to Denevius and anyone else who was upset.

Joscco said:

snip

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Hey, we all make mistakes. I actually quite like stories which allow me to fill in the blanks, and I don't necessarily need answers for everything as I have a pretty decent imagination. But, as you've identified, such a thing it outside the scope of this thread's purpose. Chances are you'll get some more appropriate feedback once you have enough posts to offer up work for crit in the Share Your Work forum.

Ok, here are the first 3 lines from a short of mine called "Scarlet Woman":

"Molly’s shoes tapped along the cobblestones of Whitechapel as a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames. From the glares of those who caught her eye, she judged she had dressed just right. The scarlet lacing of her bodice was loosened just enough to display an expanse of bosom, and she lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

"Molly’s shoes tapped along the cobblestones of Whitechapel as a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames. From the glares of those who caught her eye, she judged she had dressed just right. The scarlet lacing of her bodice was loosened just enough to display an expanse of bosom, and she lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

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Why not just 'Molly tapped along the cobblestones...' I'm left unsure why you phrased the first sentence as you did, but it's very awkward.

The second sentence is better relayed to readers through the description of people's reaction to what Molly is wearing in the 3rd, so I suggest cutting the 2nd.

Overall, though, I don't feel there's a hook here. A POV dancing next to a river in revealing clothes as a fog comes in simply feels a bit plain to me. I may read on a few more sentences.

autumnleaf said:

"Molly’s shoes tapped along the cobblestones of Whitechapel as a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames. From the glares of those who caught her eye, she judged she had dressed just right. The scarlet lacing of her bodice was loosened just enough to display an expanse of bosom, and she lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

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I don't like 'tapped' here, would prefer 'clacked' or 'clicked', and this suffers the same problem as disembodied limbs doing their own thing (Tommy's arm rose in self defence). It makes it sound like they're doing it of their own accord, instead of under conscious direction of Molly. Why not emphasis the sound echoing around the streets, or the sound being muted by the thick fog? You've got the right ingredients, they just need a bit more stirring.

I'm not sure why people are glaring at her. The entire population of London are not prudes, and even if this is set in the Victorian (or other) era, somebody dressed in Molly's style would undoubtedly receive a few covetous leers.

Overall though, I like the tone and the setting and would read on.

First three sentences, huh? Interesting game. Here's my ante:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I'm sure most people would agree with my wife's deeply held belief that the enjoyment of a college football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon."

~ASW~

Andy S. Wright said:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I'm sure most people would agree with my wife's deeply held belief that the enjoyment of a college football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon."

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Unique voice +1
Intelligent wife +1
Quirky narrator +1
Wry tone +1
Hyperbole +1

That's five pluses from me. There's no immediate hook in that I'm not a sports fanperson and I don't care about American hand-egg, but the tone so far suggests the second mistake might be something extremely fun, like "my second mistake was thinking I could make a great wild mushroom soup from those huge grey caps growing behind the garden shed" with the remainder of the story spent in some trippy hallucination.

I know that's probably not what happens, but it has the potential to be it, so I'd read on.

Andy S. Wright said:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I'm sure most people would agree with my wife's deeply held belief that the enjoyment of a college football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon."

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Writing's pretty solid.

I'd read on.

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I'm sure most people would agree with my wife's deeply held belief that the enjoyment of a college football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon."

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The first three lines seem to be exploring marital tension between a husband and wife. Even if the story isn't actually about that, we still have a POV (perhaps I shouldn't automatically assume it's male) who listens to ball games loud, and the wife seeming to think that's unnecessary.

Even as I write this, however, I admit that I'm not sure what the first three lines are getting at. Is it about listening to a game too loud, or about buying/having a sound system "that can be heard from the moon"? These two issues are quite different.

Overall, I find these lines a bit muddled. I'm left unsure what they're trying to convey, and am left with the feeling that either they can be cut and the story can start at a more concrete narrative tension between the POV and the wife (for even if that's not what the story is about, it does seem to be where you've decided to begin the story at: marital conflict).

Andy S. Wright said:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I'm sure most people would agree with my wife's deeply held belief that the enjoyment of a college football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon."

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Love the first two sentences. Lovely distinctive voice.

The third sentence lost that a little. It seemed long-winded and less natural. Cutting a few of the words might make it sound more conversational, in keeping with the rest:
"Most people would agree with my wife that enjoyment of a football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon.

Denevius said:

Why not just 'Molly tapped along the cobblestones...' I'm left unsure why you phrased the first sentence as you did, but it's very awkward.

The second sentence is better relayed to readers through the description of people's reaction to what Molly is wearing in the 3rd, so I suggest cutting the 2nd.

Overall, though, I don't feel there's a hook here. A POV dancing next to a river in revealing clothes as a fog comes in simply feels a bit plain to me. I may read on a few more sentences.

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The Urban Spaceman said:

I don't like 'tapped' here, would prefer 'clacked' or 'clicked', and this suffers the same problem as disembodied limbs doing their own thing (Tommy's arm rose in self defence). It makes it sound like they're doing it of their own accord, instead of under conscious direction of Molly. Why not emphasis the sound echoing around the streets, or the sound being muted by the thick fog? You've got the right ingredients, they just need a bit more stirring.

I'm not sure why people are glaring at her. The entire population of London are not prudes, and even if this is set in the Victorian (or other) era, somebody dressed in Molly's style would undoubtedly receive a few covetous leers.

Overall though, I like the tone and the setting and would read on.

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Seems the word "tapped" threw everyone. Molly is certainly not supposed to be dancing -- she's a prostitute in Victorian London and she's feeling quite grim about the prospect of the night ahead.

Here's my rewrite:
"As a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames, the women took their usual positions under the doorways and gas lamps of Whitechapel. Molly listened to the echo of her own shoes clicking against the cobblestones as she tried to catch the eye of any passing male. She had loosened the scarlet lacing of her bodice to display an expanse of bosom, and lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

"As a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames, the women took their usual positions under the doorways and gas lamps of Whitechapel. Molly listened to the echo of her own shoes clicking against the cobblestones as she tried to catch the eye of any passing male. She had loosened the scarlet lacing of her bodice to display an expanse of bosom, and lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

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This is better, though you still have information coming through a filter in the second sentence. 'Molly listened' puts readers at a distance of the noise and disrupts the flow of the prose. Though I would read a bit further with this opening, I have a feeling that these lines can be cut, or at least moved to later in the story. I see that you're trying to build the scene, which is good. Having the narrative open on the fog and the other women, however, puts too much emphasis on details that probably aren't that important to the story overall. What is important is Molly looking for Johns. So why not just start there?

autumnleaf said:

"As a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames, the women took their usual positions under the doorways and gas lamps of Whitechapel. Molly listened to the echo of her own shoes clicking against the cobblestones as she tried to catch the eye of any passing male. She had loosened the scarlet lacing of her bodice to display an expanse of bosom, and lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

Click to expand...

I like this a lot better, and the only issue I have left is the highlighted phrase, which is filtering.

autumnleaf said:

Seems the word "tapped" threw everyone. Molly is certainly not supposed to be dancing -- she's a prostitute in Victorian London and she's feeling quite grim about the prospect of the night ahead.

Here's my rewrite:
"As a thick night fog swirled up from the Thames, the women took their usual positions under the doorways and gas lamps of Whitechapel. Molly listened to the echo of her own shoes clicking against the cobblestones as she tried to catch the eye of any passing male. She had loosened the scarlet lacing of her bodice to display an expanse of bosom, and lifted her hem to show the right amount of ankle."

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I like the first sentence a lot more. It does a lot more work than your original, and does a decent job at setting the scene. Most readers will understand what it means for women to flit to doorways at night without you having to explicitly tell them, and by showing that world through an action, you've pulled us in closer to the narrative.

With the second sentence, I think you could easily say "Molly's shoes clicked against the cobblestones" because anyone that wears heels will hear them clicking, so we don't need to know that she's listening.

The third sentence works perfectly for me. I don't think there's much there that you need to change.

This is the genre I typically go for, but as it stands, I'd probably read on!

The Urban Spaceman said:

Unique voice +1
Intelligent wife +1
Quirky narrator +1
Wry tone +1
Hyperbole +1

That's five pluses from me. There's no immediate hook in that I'm not a sports fanperson and I don't care about American hand-egg, but the tone so far suggests the second mistake might be something extremely fun, like "my second mistake was thinking I could make a great wild mushroom soup from those huge grey caps growing behind the garden shed" with the remainder of the story spent in some trippy hallucination.

I know that's probably not what happens, but it has the potential to be it, so I'd read on.

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Thank you kindly for the feedback. Your guess about what adventures may come is...uncanny.

- - - Updated - - -

tiggs said:

Writing's pretty solid.

I'd read on.

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Gracias
Mi
Amigo!

Denevius said:

The first three lines seem to be exploring marital tension between a husband and wife. Even if the story isn't actually about that, we still have a POV (perhaps I shouldn't automatically assume it's male) who listens to ball games loud, and the wife seeming to think that's unnecessary.

Even as I write this, however, I admit that I'm not sure what the first three lines are getting at. Is it about listening to a game too loud, or about buying/having a sound system "that can be heard from the moon"? These two issues are quite different.

Overall, I find these lines a bit muddled. I'm left unsure what they're trying to convey, and am left with the feeling that either they can be cut and the story can start at a more concrete narrative tension between the POV and the wife (for even if that's not what the story is about, it does seem to be where you've decided to begin the story at: marital conflict).

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Your input is appreciated. Admittedly, three sentences does not lend itself to a great deal of concrete with my particular writing style.

autumnleaf said:

Love the first two sentences. Lovely distinctive voice.

The third sentence lost that a little. It seemed long-winded and less natural. Cutting a few of the words might make it sound more conversational, in keeping with the rest:
"Most people would agree with my wife that enjoyment of a football game doesn't require a surround sound system that can be heard from the moon.

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Thank you for your input. I would agree some tweaking on that third sentence would not go amiss. Appreciate the suggestion.

So, here's my 2nd attempt at my first three sentences. Thank you in advance for your input:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I’m man enough to agree with my wife’s deeply held belief that a college football game can be enjoyed without sharing it with the people on the International Space Station."

~ASW~

Andy S. Wright said:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I’m man enough to agree with my wife’s deeply held belief that a college football game can be enjoyed without sharing it with the people on the International Space Station."

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This works for me, too. A little tighter than the last three, but it doesn't sacrifice voice or personality. Hope to see the rest of it some time!

Andy S. Wright said:

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I’m man enough to agree with my wife’s deeply held belief that a college football game can be enjoyed without sharing it with the people on the International Space Station."

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Heh, strikes close to home as I had both a brother and a sister-in-law go through divorces, and imagine this would be what both males would say after things were all said and done. It makes me kind of suspect this is where you are going. For some reason the movie "War of the Roses" with Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito comes to mind here... (great movie btw)

The Urban Spaceman said:

This works for me, too. A little tighter than the last three, but it doesn't sacrifice voice or personality. Hope to see the rest of it some time!

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Thank you. Be happy to post it as soon as the 2nd draft editing is done. Could use the feedback.

CBJason said:

Heh, strikes close to home as I had both a brother and a sister-in-law go through divorces, and imagine this would be what both males would say after things were all said and done. It makes me kind of suspect this is where you are going. For some reason the movie "War of the Roses" with Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito comes to mind here... (great movie btw)

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Appreciate the comments. I remember that movie. Thought it was pretty good for a dark comedy until my own divorce erased the comedy aspects from it. Rather watch 'Romancing the Stone'.

"Looking back at everything, I’ll admit a couple of things right out of the gate. My first mistake was the TV volume. I’m man enough to agree with my wife’s deeply held belief that a college football game can be enjoyed without sharing it with the people on the International Space Station."

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I still think you could write greater specifics into this opening. The first two sentences aren't doing as much work as they could be. The first line, in-particular, could reveal *why* the POV is looking back upon everything now.

For me, that would be a better hook.