[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Sara smiled as she pulled the old Honda CRV up into the drive way. She smiled looking at the old Victorian home, that needed a lot of work,
that she owned with her husband. She got out of the car and the soft breeze hit her face.

My other story...

Steve is dropping his son off for his 1st lessons at the local martial arts studio, when he walks in he catches a look at a female instructor. His soon goes over to the area that the other students have dropped off their bags and heads to the gym. Sara, the instructor comes over to Steve, she welcomes him and his son, and invites Steve to stay and watch the class.

Sara smiled as she pulled the old Honda CRV up into the drive way. She smiled looking at the old Victorian home, that needed a lot of work,
that she owned with her husband. She got out of the car and the soft breeze hit her face.

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Steve is dropping his son off for his 1st lessons at the local martial arts studio, when he walks in he catches a look at a female instructor. His soon goes over to the area that the other students have dropped off their bags and heads to the gym. Sara, the instructor comes over to Steve, she welcomes him and his son, and invites Steve to stay and watch the class.

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This kind of feels like writing from someone who's quite new to writing. It's of the direct experience, journaly quality. The sentences are plain, simply conveying observations as actions happen. There's nothing wrong with this, as we all have to start somewhere.

So for the first one, you might want to find where there is "action", and begin there. This is a good exercise in bringing out the story plot faster.

The second one, there are some grammar issues. There's a comma splice in the first line and third line. Present tense is hard to pull off even for experienced writers, so you could change that to past tense for greater readability. I actually also think this can be started later too, however, as a character dropping off his son is an action that is more in the line of warmup writing. Warmup writing can always be cut without losing anything.

Welcome, musclemom!

musclemom said:

Sara smiled as she pulled the old Honda CRV up into the drive way. I like that you start with an action on the part of the character. It's dynamic This is a very generic action, however, which makes me think it's not where your story really wants to start. From the first line, I need something to draw me in. It can be an arresting setting, strong character moment, distinct voice, etc., anything really. She smiled looking at the old Victorian home, that needed a lot of work,
that she owned with her husband. This sentence strikes me as more of a note for you. ("Character sees X.") It lacks strong detail and sense of place. An old Victorian home that needs work will be described differently in a cozy mystery vs. a horror story, for example. If the setting is important enough to start with, make sure your description gives us a strong sense of the identity of the building as well as the story genre and overall mood. She got out of the car and the soft breeze hit her face. Another bit of generic description. I like that you're using more senses than just sight, but I'd like it more if you anchored this sentence with a strong set-up.

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I agree with Denevius that it doesn't feel like your story starts here. If it does then really focus on developing your setting and your character's response to that setting.

musclemom said:

My other story...

Steve is dropping his son off for his 1st first lessons at the local martial arts studio, when he walks in he catches a look at a female instructor. His soon goes over to the area that the other students have dropped off their bags and heads to the gym. Sara, the instructor comes over to Steve, she welcomes him and his son, and invites Steve to stay and watch the class.

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This second start strikes me more as a story outline than the beginning of a story. I'd suggest playing around with these moments and working out which ones should be expanded to have an emotional impact on the reader.

Keep writing!

musclemom said:

My other story...

Steve is dropping his son off for his 1st lessons at the local martial arts studio, when he walks in he catches a look at a female instructor. His soon goes over to the area that the other students have dropped off their bags and heads to the gym. Sara, the instructor comes over to Steve, she welcomes him and his son, and invites Steve to stay and watch the class.

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A few things to look at here. Firstly this isn't so much an actual story but more of a sketch or plan.
Also, you've introduced 3 characters (Steve, his son and Sarah) as well as a location and not actually given any identity to any of them - they could be anyone, any age, any race, religion, social class, living anywhere at any time. There's nothing that grounds them.
Finally, there are a couple of grammatical issues, e.g. "1st" instead of "first", misplaced commas ("Sara, the gym instructor comes over to Steve,..." should either have no commas or should be "Sara, the gym instructor, comes over to Steve").
None of this is to say that this sketch couldn't turn into a good story, just giving a few points to work with. Let us know how you develop it!

Always confusion for Roy Ridele as he stood outside the door fussing with his shirt and tie. Elaine sent him on his way then sat with a menthol measuring her day by how many were left. She smoked five even with all her household chores while drinking scotch neat at six fifteen in the morning.

kimi99 said:

Always confusion for Roy Ridele I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this phrase. Is Roy always confused or is there a confusing situation? as he stood outside the door fussing with his shirt and tie. This first sentence feels rather generic. Is he at home? At work? I feel like Roy is doing something just to do it, but it's otherwise a purposeless action. Elaine sent him on his way This makes me think that Roy is looking back on something that happened. then sat with a menthol measuring her day by how many were left. But this makes me think we've switched from Roy's perspective to Elaine's. I'm not entirely sure what's going on, although I do like how Elaine measures time. It's a great character moment. She smoked five even with all her household chores while drinking scotch neat at six fifteen in the morning. I'd say this sentence anchors us firmly in Elaine's perspective. I think this is her story, not Roy's. She has far better development over these sentences.

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Try omitting the first sentence and staying with Elaine's perspective throughout.

Always confusion for Roy Ridele as he stood outside the door fussing with his shirt and tie. Elaine sent him on his way then sat with a menthol measuring her day by how many were left. She smoked five even with all her household chores while drinking scotch neat at six fifteen in the morning.

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The sentences are strangely constructed making these lines a tough read. I'm guessing the rest of the story will be written in a smilier way, which isn't encouraging. My suggestion is to simply these lines for easier consumption.

Ok 1st three

I wanted to come by sooner, but I couldn’t. The trial, then the appeal . . . they took so much time. But that’s all over, they won’t bother me anymore.

I wanted to come by sooner, but I couldn’t. The trial, then the appeal . . . they took so much time. But that’s all over, they won’t bother me anymore.

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The ellipses can probably safely go. The pause can be better done with a comma, or a period. The ellipses draws too much attention to itself and distracts from your opening.

The 'they' seems to refer to the trial and appeal, but that doesn't make sense. Is the 'they' the judge and lawyers?

There's enough not working right now that I probably wouldn't read on.

Denevius said:

The ellipses can probably safely go. The pause can be better done with a comma, or a period. The ellipses draws too much attention to itself and distracts from your opening.

The 'they' seems to refer to the trial and appeal, but that doesn't make sense. Is the 'they' the judge and lawyers?


There's enough not working right now that I probably wouldn't read on.

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Thank you for time and attention. The "they" does indeed to the prosecutors of the case. A phrase often seen in crime stories. Most criminals see themselves as "me against the world."

Tod Moran said:

Ok 1st three

I wanted to come by sooner, but I couldn’t. The trial, then the appeal . . . they took so much time. But that’s all over, they won’t bother me anymore.

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I like this! I like the fact that you have three snappy little sentences with repeated structure. I like the fact that you have an assumed subject and felt that it was obvious who "they" were - that worked particularly well for me.
I agree with Denevius that the ellipses don't work, but wouldn't use a comma or full stop. A comma would create a new sub-clause and a full stop would break the thought so you're probably better served by a dash. Your other option would be to restructure the middle sentence to something like "The trial and then the appeal, they took so much time" so you still have that two clause sentence structure but lose the problematic ellipses.
The other thing to look at might be the fact that you've used the word "but" twice in three very short sentences. It's not serious but you can see how it could be a bit jarring to scan.
Besides for that, I thought this was a very strong opening!

Tod Moran said:

Ok 1st three

I wanted to come by sooner, but I couldn’t. The trial, then the appeal . . . they took so much time. But that’s all over, they won’t bother me anymore.

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I like the tone you quickly established. I'm thus intrigued, and would surely read some more.

Criticism:

In sentence 1, "come by" where? I think you do your story a disservice not grounding it in a solid physical detail. Doesn't have to be Place, but that would work without much change.

The ellipsis doesn't work. There's several ways to rewrite it. One simple way: replace "then" with "and," which allows the sentence to be written: "The trial and the appeal took so much time." or, "The trial, and the appeal, took so much time." You might also piggy back it to sentence 1 by linking it after "but" (deleting the redundant "I couldn't").

I would like it if sentence 3 became two sentences. Adds a bit more emphasis to what is being said, implied.

Best wishes.

Still working on this story, but what the heck:

Sewers.

I bloody hate sewers like you wouldn’t believe. Bit ironic, really, since my job has me wading through the crap-clogged tunnels, day-in, day-out.

Sewers.

I bloody hate sewers like you wouldn’t believe. Bit ironic, really, since my job has me wading through the crap-clogged tunnels, day-in, day-out.

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I did immediately question the verisimilitude of this situation. Would his job force him to wander through "crap-clogged" tunnels every day, all day? Why?

The fact that I found it hard to suspend disbelief for the opening lines would make me proceed hesitantly into the sentences that follow under the belief that the prose weakens further from the third line on.

DavidBrett said:

Still working on this story, but what the heck:

Sewers.

I bloody hate sewers like you wouldn’t believe. Bit ironic, really, since my job has me wading through the crap-clogged tunnels, day-in, day-out.

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I think you kind of stumble out of the gate with this one: a one word fragment/sentence; some extraneous words: "like you wouldn't believe"; and (I think) a false irony -- doesn't it sound like he hates sewers because he's compelled to wade around in their crap and stench all day? How is that ironic ?

That said, I totally want to read more. It's not every day one can read a story set in sh*t.

I would start with "I hate sewers." Then, "My job has me ..." Or vice versa too. Just as long as you get the story knee deep before too long.

DavidBrett said:

Still working on this story, but what the heck:

Sewers.

I bloody hate sewers like you wouldn’t believe. Bit ironic, really, since my job has me wading through the crap-clogged tunnels, day-in, day-out.

Click to expand...

I'm with Joseph on this one. I think you're getting too cute on the one-word opening, but I would have kept reading because there's a strong sense of voice and I'm already curious as to what's going to happen in said sewers.

Joseph Schmol said:

I like the tone you quickly established. I'm thus intrigued, and would surely read some more.

Criticism:

In sentence 1, "come by" where? I think you do your story a disservice not grounding it in a solid physical detail. Doesn't have to be Place, but that would work without much change.

The ellipsis doesn't work. There's several ways to rewrite it. One simple way: replace "then" with "and," which allows the sentence to be written: "The trial and the appeal took so much time." or, "The trial, and the appeal, took so much time." You might also piggy back it to sentence 1 by linking it after "but" (deleting the redundant "I couldn't").

I would like it if sentence 3 became two sentences. Adds a bit more emphasis to what is being said, implied.

Best wishes.

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Thank you for the time and attention. I left out the place because THAT is the twist at the end which makes the story. The . . . are meant to show his indecision, his halting speech, he's not sure of what to say. As the story goes he becomes more sure of himself, more definitive. Makes the final twist stronger.

I think as an author you just have to trust the reader. Believe he/she TRUSTs you to know what you are doing and if he rides with you you (the author) will make the ride worthwhile.

DavidBrett said:

Still working on this story, but what the heck:

Sewers.

I bloody hate sewers like you wouldn’t believe. Bit ironic, really, since my job has me wading through the crap-clogged tunnels, day-in, day-out.

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I really do like the voice this piece begins with; I would keep reading just because of that. As for the use of the word "ironic" - I don't have much of an opinion on that one. For me, the definition of the word "ironic" is very muddy.

Welp. Here's my three:

At five years old, you feed rice to your mother’s canary. He must be very hungry, because his songs have become increasingly frantic. To comfort him, you select a treat from the kitchen pantry.


You can catch the remainder of the story here.

"At five years old, you feed rice to your mother’s canary. He must be very hungry, because his songs have become increasingly frantic. To comfort him, you select a treat from the kitchen pantry."

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The quotation marks are confusing. Is this dialog or exposition?

Also, I think the order of events works like this: The bird is hungry and so makes noise, someone wants to comfort him, and so they feed the bird rice.

If this is right, it's a little convoluted as written. Maybe start with the bird making noise, then the desire to help it, then the rice?

Denevius said:

The quotation marks are confusing. Is this dialog or exposition?

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Hi Denevius - Thank you for reading! It's exposition - I was using the quotation marks because it's an excerpt.

Denevius said:

If this is right, it's a little convoluted as written. Maybe start with the bird making noise, then the desire to help it, then the rice?

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My first line is written in medias res. The lines following are the explanation leading up to that point. Perhaps I should set the first line by itself?

Hedwig said:

At five years old, you feed rice to your mother’s canary. He must be very hungry, because his songs have become increasingly frantic. To comfort him, you select a treat from the kitchen pantry.

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I typically don't trust 2nd person pieces. Who is the referent? I'd guess past tense version of present day narrator? Feels too gimmicky and so not for me.

Joseph Schmol said:

I typically don't trust 2nd person pieces. Who is the referent? I'd guess past tense version of present day narrator? Feels too gimmicky and so not for me.

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Certainly everyone has their preferences when it comes to fiction. My understanding is that second person is not often used, so I thought I would try my hand at it. What is it exactly about second person that you don't trust?

Here's three lines from one of the horror stories I've been working on lately:

Blazing fires had raged within me for days, exhaling through my pores. Veins in my tied arms bulged with strain. Pungent smells of sweat and singed hair filled my nostrils, disgusting and arousing.