[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

On a warm spring day in 1969, my wife and I sold everything we owned in a yard sale. It had nothing to do with the divorce she’d demanded. It had been on our agenda for a while, a way of proving our dedication to our pastor, who had asked us to raise money for his church, and who came by in the early afternoon to rifle through our possessions.

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You have two nice, simple and clearly constructed sentences to begin this off with, and then one really long and convoluted third sentence? I think that line would stop me reading there because it makes me question the competency of the writer.

I would definitely suggest shortening the third line.

George ducked to avoid the intricate webs in the bus stop canopy[ above his balding head]. More than once he’d been startled by eight hairy legs [tickling -- "tickling" is a bit mild after "startled"] on his balding scalp as he waited for the local transfer bus [heading into the outskirts of Suncheon city -- this sentence is trying to do to much, so you could take out the last clause and work it in later]. He eased down onto the low wooden bench, his damaged knees protesting every inch, and he sighed with relief to be off his feet.

I'm curious as to what kind of story this is. A middle-aged man waiting for a bus doesn't automatically promise a lot of action, and the significance of the spiders isn't immediately obvious.

flowerburgers said:

On a warm spring day in 1969, my wife and I sold everything we owned in a yard sale. It had nothing to do with the divorce she’d demanded. It had been on our agenda for a while, a way of proving our dedication to our pastor, who had asked us to raise money for his church, and who came by in the early afternoon to rifle through our possessions.

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First 2 sentences are good. 3rd sentence repeats the "It had..." syntax, which seems a bit clunky. The last phrase "and who came by in the early afternoon to rifle through our possessions" seems to be a separate action and so probably deserves another sentence.

flowerburgers said:

On a warm spring day in 1969, my wife and I sold everything we owned in a yard sale. It had nothing to do with the divorce she’d demanded. It had been on our agenda for a while, a way of proving our dedication to our pastor, who had asked us to raise money for his church, and who came by in the early afternoon to rifle through our possessions.

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Sentence 1 and 2 are good, but I agree with other critters that sentence 3 is a little too long.

When the pygmy showed up at the hostel, I went upstairs to wake my brother Don. The place had no running water so I brought him some for his hangover—what he’d drunk the night before, a fifty-cent jug of vodka, was probably poison. Then I saw he had this little girl in his bunk, her leg sticking out, and I didn’t wanna know how old she was.

When the pygmy showed up at the hostel, I went upstairs to wake my brother Don. The place had no running water so I brought him some for his hangover—what he’d drunk the night before, a fifty-cent jug of vodka, was probably poison. Then I saw he had this little girl in his bunk, her leg sticking out, and I didn’t wanna know how old she was.

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Of the four characters introduced in these three lines, the least interesting one is the POV. For that fact alone I would stop reading.

I would suggest writing the story from any of the other characters, though the one that will probably have the most motivation is the brother.

Nice! Interesting. Like, bringing his brother water and worrying about the child isn't as interesting as being a rapist, victim or pygmy... basically. Huh. Something to think about. Cheers.

Wandering back in to say thanks everyone for the feedback. Second person is WAY harder than I thought I would be!

Creep said:

When the pygmy showed up at the hostel, I went upstairs to wake my brother Don. The place had no running water so I brought him some for his hangover—what he’d drunk the night before, a fifty-cent jug of vodka, was probably poison. Then I saw he had this little girl in his bunk, her leg sticking out, and I didn’t wanna know how old she was.

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Are these the three opening lines of your story, or all that you have of it so far? It reads more like the latter. Like a concept of a crazy setting, rather than the story. For example, a few thoughts which I have:

1) If the place has no running water, where did the MC get the water from?

2) Where in the world can you get a jug of vodka for fifty cents?

3) Why "probably poison"? Because of the quantity he drank, or because it might've been watered down with antifreeze?

4) How did the brother get a child into the hostel and into his bed without anybody noticing?

5) Why isn't the MC more worried that his brother is a paedophile?

If the idea here is to show the brother as a morally bankrupt character, it might be best to cut this part out and later work in some reference to him being a child molester. Unless the child actually plays a part in this story other than as a prop for the brother's depravity, her inclusion at this stage doesn't really work for me.

Creep said:

Nice! Interesting. Like, bringing his brother water and worrying about the child isn't as interesting as being a rapist, victim or pygmy... basically. Huh. Something to think about. Cheers.

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So you're NOT a "feedback junkie" as your signature line claims?

Creep said:

When the pygmy showed up at the hostel, I went upstairs to wake my brother Don. The place had no running water so I brought him some for his hangover—what he’d drunk the night before, a fifty-cent jug of vodka, was probably poison. Then I saw he had this little girl in his bunk, her leg sticking out, and I didn’t wanna know how old she was.

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I think you're trying to do too much with 3 sentences. There's a potentially interesting situation, but it's so crowded that the details are blurred. Maybe slow down and introduce the details over a longer time.

I did wonder if the "little girl" was an obviously prepubescent child (in which case, both brother and narrator come across as very unsympathetic to say the least), or a girl who might be of legal age but might not (still a dodgy situation, but less so, and the narrator's reluctance to probe the question is more understandable).

Hope it's okay to use this as my first post here. This story has been rejected from 24 venues, one after being held for 6 months. Hope you can help!

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Sister Alessia was up to her elbows in blood the day she decided to become a killer. Ignoring the screams, she concentrated on working her Gift, probing her latest victim’s wound with her mind. There, she thought, the vein’s broken there.

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Sister Alessia was up to her elbows in blood the day she decided to become a killer. Ignoring the screams, she concentrated on working her Gift, probing her latest victim’s wound with her mind. There, she thought, the vein’s broken there.

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There's a disconnect between the first sentence and the following two. My suspicion is that the first sentence was written purely to get reader's attention and "hook" them. And though this is somewhat the point of story openings, there's nothing subtle about the writing you excerpted here.

From this sample, I can't guess why the venues you sent the story to rejected it. But my view of it is that this feels like a workshop story. It doesn't have a natural flow, in my opinion, and these three lines feel like the writer is trying too hard to hit all the appropriate points without, perhaps, having anything to actually say.

I probably would not read on because of how artificial this beginning reads.

mafiaking1936 said:

Sister Alessia was up to her elbows in blood the day she decided to become a killer. Ignoring the screams, she concentrated on working her Gift, probing her latest victim’s wound with her mind. There, she thought, the vein’s broken there.

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I'm having a problem getting a grip on what's actually happening here.

Let's break it down together with my thought process (YMMV, my thought process can be a bit weird sometimes!)
Sister Alessia - main character is a nun
was up to her elbows in blood - She's either working in an abattoir, or in a hospital, or she's just killed someone.
the day she decided to become a killer - So she hasn't killed anyone yet, but she's covered in blood.
Ignoring the screams, -- So the victim is there, screaming, and she's up to her elbows in his/her blood.
she concentrated on working her Gift, probing her latest victim’s wound with her mind -- So Alessia is using some kind of mind-control technique to kill her victim? So why is she "up to her elbows in blood"? And "latest victim" suggests there were others, but she has only now "decided to become a killer"?
There, she thought, the vein’s broken there -- So she's using her mind to break the victim's veins, and she's cold-bloodily torturing the poor soul. But according to the first sentence, she hasn't killed before today?

Some good ideas there, but needs clarity.

mafiaking1936 said:

Sister Alessia was up to her elbows in blood the day she decided to become a killer. Ignoring the screams, she concentrated on working her Gift, probing her latest victim’s wound with her mind. There, she thought, the vein’s broken there.

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The first line, as Denevius said, reads too much like a purposeful hook, and it also comes across as telly. The second two lines come across too cold and clinical for me to feel anything for them. Also, if this is the day she "decided" to become a killer, why is this her latest victim? Shouldn't it be her first?

Haha, you're all correct. A reviewer specifically asked for a hook line (before rejecting the revision). I knew it was obvious, but not that obvious.
The confusion is intentional- sentence #4 reveals she's actually using mind powers to heal wounds, though it's very painful so the patient is also her "victim." Later she's driven to use them to try to kill the bad guy.

mafiaking1936 said:

The confusion is intentional- sentence #4 reveals she's actually using mind powers to heal wounds, though it's very painful so the patient is also her "victim." Later she's driven to use them to try to kill the bad guy.

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Whilst I do like twists in stories, I don't think this concept works very well. Blurring the patient/victim line creates confusion, and I feel it's unnecessary. There are many medical techniques in which causing initial pain can help with long-term health. For example, a gangrenous limb may need to be removed, or necrotic flesh excised. Whilst these procedures cause pain, it's for ultimate benefit of the patient—we refer to butchers and victims when the procedure causes no direct benefit to the patient (think Mengele and other medical experiments performed on Holocaust victims).

Overall, I like the idea of her using her powers to kill, but I think it needs to be better handled in the earlier sentences, with less ambiguity.

OK, here's a new one I've been working on:

A misty light shivered over the bog, and the air smelled rotting sweet. Cullan's foot squelched, a hand on his back pushing him forwards.

“We must keep moving,” said Ketric, not harshly but with more authority than he'd have spoken before today.

I'll give this a shot...

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“We can’t kill humans on the show!” Mr. Zeero said.
“Your ratings are in the toilet and you know it. This would give us a huge boost, the allure of cooking something that has been forbidden. It doesn’t really matter what you make, as long as it is with the humans, they will watch.” Maleria, the Vice President of the network said.

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Not sure if I'm cheating, but figured I should throw in the whole quote. I can fix it if people think that isn't right.

autumnleaf said:

OK, here's a new one I've been working on:

A misty light shivered over the bog, and the air smelled rotting sweet. Cullan's foot squelched, a hand on his back pushing him forwards.

“We must keep moving,” said Ketric, not harshly but with more authority than he'd have spoken before today.

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Writer's Critique:

Sentence one is missing some word or another between rotting and sweet, but I don't know what would fit best: I only know that the flow was utterly broken. I'm not sure if a hyphen would have also worked - it may have done if one was present at first read.
Sentence two reinforces the boggy setting, which is good; it also introduces two characters and a source of (likely temporary or soon-to-be-escalating) conflict.
Sentence three needs a comma after harshly, and you cannot use the word "today" in past-tense prose - use "that day" instead, as that keeps the tense consistent.

Reader's Critique:

After reading two and a half sentences, I have this picture in my head: Cullan (our MC) is being pushed through a marsh by Ketric, who is either the main antagonist, a temporarily antagonistic deuteragonist, or about to die.
I'm something of a grammar Nazi, however, and as a result I'm sorry to say that I would have shelved the story after finding two stutterances (that's a real technical word, that is XD) in the opening three sentences.

I would not have even finished the third sentence to find the description of how Ketric's speech was made, and thus I would not have crossed "main antagonist" off the list of possible categorizations for Ketric's character.

Apologies for bluntness.

Also, my best guess as to the relationship between Ketric and Cullan is that of friends who are moving steadily away from something but are not (ye)t concerned about said something coming after them. Ketric has recently received a boost in his self-confidence, and Cullan couldn't be assed to argue with him because they're too busy staying mobile. Would any part of that be accurate?

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Here's my go:

“Aaaugh!” Ping beat her fists on the table in frustration. “Stupid idiot Ping! Why can’t you figure this out?”

“We can’t kill humans on the show!” Mr. Zeero said.
“Your ratings are in the toilet and you know it. This would give us a huge boost, the allure of cooking something that has been forbidden. It doesn’t really matter what you make, as long as it is with the humans, they will watch.” Maleria, the Vice President of the network said.

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It's a bit too on the nose to be compelling. And it feels too much like it's written for shock value.

I probably wouldn't read on, but you may be able to find an audience for it with others.

autumnleaf said:

OK, here's a new one I've been working on:

A misty light shivered over the bog, and the air smelled rotting sweet. Cullan's foot squelched, a hand on his back pushing him forwards.

“We must keep moving,” said Ketric, not harshly but with more authority than he'd have spoken before today.

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Sentence 1 is all tell, no show. I would've liked to see Cullan's reaction to the smell, or something a little more descriptive. It's functional as-is, but could be so much better. As for misty light shivering, it's a piece of onomatopoeia that doesn't sit right with me. I feel a shiver; maybe the light should shimmer.

Cullan's foot squelched? Or, the bog squelched beneath his foot?

Other than that, I think Yzjdriel's crit is pretty spot on. I wouldn't be immediately put off by these sentences, but they lack refinement and intrigue.

brandenburgdm said:

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“We can’t kill humans on the show!” Mr. Zeero said.
“Your ratings are in the toilet and you know it. This would give us a huge boost, the allure of cooking something that has been forbidden. It doesn’t really matter what you make, as long as it is with the humans, they will watch.” Maleria, the Vice President of the network said.

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I'm confused about this reality TV show about killing and cooking humans, and about what sort of food they might be made into. And whilst "said" is generally said to be an invisible tag, using it twice as you have is jarring.

You should end the second speech with a comma before the dialogue tag, not a full stop. And since the "vice president" information reads as parenthetical, there should be a second comma enclosing it.

The text in blue comes across stilted due to lack of contractions. You can kill a few words to tighten up your writing. Aaand the sentence in purple doesn't read correctly re: cause and effect (currently reads that killing humans would give the show a huge boost and the allure of cooking something forbidden. I get the feeling it should read that the allure of cooking something forbidden will give the show a huge boost).

I don't dislike the opening lines, I just think they need a bit of work.

Yzjdriel said:

Here's my go:

“Aaaugh!” Ping beat her fists on the table in frustration. “Stupid idiot Ping! Why can’t you figure this out?”

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I find the name off-putting, as I knew someone who used it as an internet moniker. Vocalised frustration is difficult to pull off, but I think this one isn't too jarring. Nice use of show vs. tell re: frustration (though you could drop the part indicated, as it's readily apparent that she's frustrated, no need to tell it after you've shown it).

Other than that, I'd read on to see what the MC is so frustrated about, and I like the subtle hook.