Quote Originally Posted by mrsmig View Post
Fixed your homophone up there.

Soooo...either this scenario is meant to be:

(1) people in a bar watching a televised hockey game, or

(2) something completely different, but you're trying to make the reader think it's a people in a bar watching a televised hockey game.

If it's #1, I'm bugged by the fact that you're taking the long way around to set the scene. If I had to work just to figure out the setting, what's this story going to be like when stuff really starts to happen? If it's #2, I'm bugged because it seems coy and tricky.

That big issue aside, I don't have a character to grab hold of yet, and the style is a bit overwritten for my taste, so I wouldn't continue on.

Your opening is precious real estate - especially so in a short work. Make the most effective use of it.
Thank you for fixing my error. I should have known they weren't crying on each other but were harpooning, I mean hitting each other.

Yes, they are watching a hockey game and the female MC is trying to figure out why men are so drawn to violence and competition.