Your wish is granted...

Nerdilydone

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Um, okay...but you know, his wit came from his life. And he suffered a lot of hardship, including the death of a child.

In other words, have some hardship.

I wish people wouldn't be so perverted.
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted. Perversion is all about perspective, and since it's easier to change one person than seven billion, you are now the most perverted person on the planet, rendering everyone else not very perverted in your view. You'll probably spend the rest of your life in jail if you give in to those urges though.

I wish Nerdilydone would stop staring at me like that.
 

Nymtoc

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Granted. Now Nerdilydone is staring at you like this (it's much, much worse).

I wish someone would take Donald Drumpf's phone away from him.
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted, he now has more time on his hands to sabotage healthcare, tilt the taxation system toward the rich, and start a war with North Korea. CNN almost instantly reacts by saying how 'presidential' he's been acting lately.

I wish news organizations were forced to actually report the facts instead of serving up 90% self-serving editorial content and presenting it as 'news'.
 

Mary Mitchell

Go down road, go pub.
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Granted. But they have to fill up the program somehow, so you now get to listen to all the small-town-newspaper type stuff, such as, "Martha Tiddlywinks was host to Tildy Merriwether and her daughters on Saturday. She served tea and petit fours left over from her niece's baby shower last month, and Tildy won a cup and saucer for winning at canasta."

I wish the sky here wasn't cloudy every time there's a cool meteor shower.
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted. Genie aims a few meteors straight at your house to make sure you get a good close look. Genie is so generous.

I wish everyone was my target audience.
 

Mary Mitchell

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Granted. Although the police didn't understand what you meant about everyone being a target. Hope you have enough money for a good lawyer.

I wish loopholes were actually little doorways into alternate realities.
 

NathanBrazil

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Granted. You're going through the particularly painful process of hashing out a new contract when you notice a loophole on the back page. You get sucked into the pages and ... you're sitting in the same chair, your lawyer is eating the contract and someone hands you a check for four million dollars. I don't know. If it was me I would take the money and run.

I wish there was a web "find it" button that would hunt down and scrape together all the information I actually need. Not a near miss or its distant cousin.
 
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Nerdilydone

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Okeedokee. The NSA really likes the technology your wish created, and now they have way better privacy-violating methods. As do all the people who figure out this technology, and now nobody knows you like Google. Greg from accounting wants to date you.

I wish for a free lunch.
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted. It was delicious. Genie thanks you for your considerate wish.

I wish I had a pet dragon.
 

ESGrace

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Granted. But since it would create...issues to bring a dragon into this world, I'll drop you off on planet full of dragons and you can have any one you want! Er, I forgot that dragon planet is incredibly hot. You died. At least all the dragons will mourn you?

I wish I didn't always get so hungry at the end of the work day.
 

Marissa D

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Granted! You now get hungry at the beginning of the work day instead. Your coworkers are in awe of the number of donuts you can put away...and are soon making you contribute three times the usual amount to the office donut fund.

I wish that my hands wouldn't get so stinky after chopping six gloves of garlic for the batch of salsa I'm about to make.
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted. Now the rest of your body stinks instead. (pro-tip for real, if you use stainless steel and rub it on your hands under water like a bar of soap, it kills the smell, I recommend a spoon rather than a sharp knife, but personally I have a soap-shaped bit of steel for that purpose in my kitchen)

I wish I wasn't so forgetful.
 

Nymtoc

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Granted. You remember every thing that ever happened in your life--every every minuscule event, every sight you've ever seen, every word you've ever heard or read or spoken. You are so overwhelmed by these memories that you can barely function and stumble around as if trying to make your way through a sea of mud while in a trance.

I wish obligations came in an orderly way instead of getting all jammed up at once.
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted, your obligations will begin arriving at a steady rate of one per hour.

I wish I could re-animate the dead so I could take over the world.
 

NathanBrazil

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I'm going to grant that wish, just so that I can see what brand of dysphoria you had in mind, but we've decided to have Tom Waits merge his soul with yours. He'll be steering the ship, if you get my meaning. I'd like to improve the quality of my suffering.

I wish I could convert these complicated calculus equations into simple melodic phrases and vice versa - making the process so much more enjoyable.
 

ESGrace

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Granted. Every time you make a mistake while working an equation, you'll hear a loud, discordant note. And for the vice versa...I've replaced all song lyrics with equations. That new Taylor Swift song "Look what you made me do?" is now "1 plus 1 equals 2."

I wish for a nice surprise.
 

HistoryLvr

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Wish granted. Unfortunately, your surprise caused a heart attack, so you never got to enjoy it.

I wish I could create manuscripts more quickly.
 

M.S. Wiggins

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Granted. You can whip ‘em out like a Vegas card dealer. Have fun spending the next ten to fifteen years editing all of them.

I wish to know conclusively if there is a fifth dimension.
 

Drachen Jager

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Yes, there is. That's where all your missing socks go.

I wish I could get a consistent good night's rest.
 

HistoryLvr

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Wish granted. You are now in a coma.

I wish Barbra Streisand was still making musicals. (They are my faves.)
 

Drachen Jager

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Granted. She is 75 and has some hard living behind her. Most of the time she sounds like your grandma during sex.

I wish I could get that mental image out of my head.
 

HistoryLvr

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Granted. Your memory is completely wiped.

I wish Drachen could listen to Babs, even now, and hear how amazing she is/was.
 

NathanBrazil

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Granted. *Borrows M.S. Wiggins voodoo dolls and forces DJ to click this link.* Assuming the woojie is still good - anyway.


I wish I could spend a full day conversing with Albert Einstein - preferable alive. I know I'm being a bit loose there and you lily-livered crazies are going to make me suffer for that. S'alright. I probably deserve it.
 
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Drachen Jager

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Granted. He's been revived in his pre-American days and doesn't speak a lick of English. I hope your German is up to the task.

I wish I could teleport anywhere in the world whenever I wanted.