Your wish is granted...

They do. With the bottoms of their feet, which they proceed to clean on your living room carpet.

I wish the tourists around here would learn how to drive in roundabouts.

Granted. But now they'll only ever drive at no more than 20 miles an hour and they'll always be in front of you.

I wish I had a functioning typewriter.

Granted. Here is an 1880 Caligraph.



It makes a hell of a racket, but it works. Anyway, the Genie figures it will suit your personality.

I wish I had some lemon drops.

Granted. Some lemons drop on your head.

I wish for the power of Greyskull.

Granted. Every time you call upon it, there'll be a 50/50 chance that whatever you do with it will backfire.

I wish I had a flying car.

Okay, you now hold in your hand the title to a flying car. It likes to fly, but it doesn't like passengers, so all you can do is watch as it flies off, and then pay all the tickets you get from its misbehavior.

I wish I knew trigonometry.

Granted. But Trig says he doesn't know you--and doesn't want to.

I wish work was easier.

Granted. It's easier, but you take a pay cut and you hate it.

I wish I could travel to the Caribbean.

Granted. A wagon train is leaving your area at 7 am. It will take you TO the Caribbean, but you can't get off, and it turns around within three minutes and returns whence it came.

I wish I had a fairy godmother (or godfather or godbrother or godsister or any damned godrelative) who would do fantastic things for me.

Godrelatives. Hmm. *Genie shakes head sagely* Understand these are our competitors. We don't allow the godfolk to intermingle with the Djinn. But your request has already made it to Djinn Central headquarters and it must be processed just like any other. You're taken down a long corridor to a waiting room where a surgical team is waiting for you. "Just jump up on the table Nym. We'll get started in just a moment." A mask is placed over your face and then ...
You find yourself flitting from flower to flower. You've been changed into a godgnit, where you can grant wishes to small bugs - like gnats, fleas and ticks. Not all bad.

I wish that I could add the morning paper to my coffee, like milk, allowing all of the morning news to travel directly to my brain without actually reading it.

Granted. The headlines will shout themselves in your brain at random times of the day when others are trying to speak to you.

I wish I could play the piano really well.

Granted. You can play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on the piano really, really well. But (here it comes!) it's all you can play.

I wish the elevators in the NYC subway system always worked.

Granted. The fares are going to hike twofold to make up for the costs of maintenance.

I wish I had a pet.

Granted. Meet Stanley! Er, where'd he go? He...he was in this cage a minute ago. I mean, he's playing hide and seek! You'll want to find him before he finds you.

I wish I was independently wealthy.

Granted. You're wealthy, but nothing will fill the void.

I wish I owned a pair of the most comfortable shoes in the world.

Granted! You now own a pair of the most comfortable shoes in the world. Unfortunately they're intended for horses.

I wish the rooster next door would STFU.

Granted. However, the rooster next door wasn't just any rooster. It was the grand prize winner in the 2016 Roosters Super Bowl VIP Sweepstakes, valued by its owner at $100,000. It was found strangled this morning, and (though we know you didn't do it) your complaints have led the authorities to charge you with the bird's death. The owner is suing you for $500,000 ($100,000 for the value of the rooster and $400,000 for emotional distress). Hope you have a good lawyer!

I wish the rain would stop and the sun would come out.

The genie does not grant your wish. He simply douses you with some Courage Powder[SUP]TM[/SUP] and you go over next door, steal the chicken, cook it and eat it. The neighbors don't have any proof that it was you, but they look at you funny and throw trash on your lawn any chance they get. They continue to hate you as long as you live there.

I wish for the entire set of Bakuman manga.

Granted. However, nerds of such a high order automatically relinquish any chance of having sex, ever, for the rest of their lives.

I wish Dom Perignon was less expensive.

Lucky you. Mr. Perignon has lowered his prices to $20 an hour. Your scruffy, hairy, pot-bellied dancer arrives at your doorstep wearing nothing but a g-string and a cowboy hat.

I wish that I could invent a new musical instrument that allows you to play the hairs of your head and makesa sound that is a fusion of a harp and a cello.

We cross-posted. I'll delete mine.

Granted! You've invented your really cool sounding instrument...except that it invariably causes players to go bald after a week or so of practice, so no one wants to play it.

I wish someone would come up with a decent bottled Hollandaise sauce.

Granted: Because of a manufacturing defect the labels are very slippery. Every time you pick up a bottle it slides out of of your hand and smashes into a thousand pieces on the floor.

I wish people would stop talking about politics.

Granted. Let me tell you instead about the pain in my groin and my loose bowels and my upcoming surgery and the blood splatters when I cough...

I wish all my pets were the same color so I could pick a wardrobe that wouldn't show pet hair.

The genie stands off to one side, confused and holding a magical lint roller that works for all eternity and doesn't need to be changed out. He then shrugs, tosses it aside, and then turns your entire wardrobe fur brown. You can now get antagonized by irrational PETA people.

I wish for a kitty.