A woman who is confident and comfortable with herself, at any age, is far more attractive than any window-dressing barbie doll.
"Looks" are highly overrated, imo.
"Looks" are highly overrated, imo.
A female age thing
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Don't count on it. At 30, I tried to go off my acne medication to see if I'd "grown out of it." I developed cystic acne so bad it was painful to move my face (same as I suffered with all my twenties) and I now have permanent scars... I'm back on an acne medication regimen and my skin is clear... I won't be going off my medication again. Growing out of acne is really kind of a myth. I'm on an acne-support forum and there are 50-60 year olds on there who still require everyday medication.
It sucks... I find older guys much hotter than younger guys, just as long as they still have a fun personality.
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So thirty's old? Heh, I was still in grad school when I was thirty. Didn't get married until age 37. I just turned 50. Still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.
50 is a birthday that hit my sensibilities more than 30 or 40 did. For a woman, it marks the absolute end of one's fertile (and so far as society is concerned, datable and interesting era to all but the oldest of men) era, and it's certainly well over halfway through the lifespan of all but the most long lived. Also, the decade between 40-50 seems to be the age when one's age peers start to fall victim to the infirmaries of old age, including cancer, heart disease and other lovelies (I currently know three people who are close to my age who are probably terminally ill, and a couple more who are fighting cancers that have, hopefully, a better prognosis). Oh, and our parents are starting to get really old and even die.
50 for me is the age when one really understands they won't be around forever and one probably has (if you're lucky) 2-3 decades left to do all the things one wants (like, ahem, get some books published). And given how long the last 2-3 decades have gone by, yikes.
Thirty? I laugh at your thirty!
50 is a birthday that hit my sensibilities more than 30 or 40 did. For a woman, it marks the absolute end of one's fertile (and so far as society is concerned, datable and interesting era to all but the oldest of men) era, and it's certainly well over halfway through the lifespan of all but the most long lived. Also, the decade between 40-50 seems to be the age when one's age peers start to fall victim to the infirmaries of old age, including cancer, heart disease and other lovelies (I currently know three people who are close to my age who are probably terminally ill, and a couple more who are fighting cancers that have, hopefully, a better prognosis). Oh, and our parents are starting to get really old and even die.
50 for me is the age when one really understands they won't be around forever and one probably has (if you're lucky) 2-3 decades left to do all the things one wants (like, ahem, get some books published). And given how long the last 2-3 decades have gone by, yikes.
Thirty? I laugh at your thirty!
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I can relate to this exactly. I, too, was never handsome on my best day, so I learned to rely on other things. I am fortunate in that I have been remarkably healthy throughout my long life, and casual acquaintances are shocked when they learn my true age. In six weeks, I'll be 80. It only hurts when I say it out loud. It only bothers me because I know not much time is left, not nearly enough to do all the things I want to do. In many ways, every year has been better than the one before. I enjoy the company of women of all ages, am more relaxed with them than I was as a young man, and have long appreciated women who were often by no means classically beautiful, but who had individually beautiful qualities. The woman I most appreciate, of course, is my wife of 47+ years. She was absolutely beautiful at 20, when I met her. Cancer, paraplegia, and a host of additional ailments have completely changed her looks now, at 72+. Yet she is still a gorgeous person, with a sparkle that shines through constant pain and a tough daily grind. It has nothing to do with physical beauty, although to me she still has some of that, and she is meticulous about caring for her appearance as much as she can. Age has not defeated her, and if she has ever worried about being another year older, I've never been aware of it, and I know her well.
Sorry...forgive my rambling afield.
I find it interesting that she mentions "hot girlhood" is supposed to end at 30. I never really felt attractive UNTIL 30. Looking back, I probably was, just wasn't comfortable enough with myself to appreciate it.
I dunno about the author's personal issues, but I'm not dreading turning thirty. This is not because that's still around a decade away. This is not because I refuse to judge my personal worth based on propositions of casual sex. This isn't even because I have bigger things to worry about, although I certainly do have those.
This is because my mom had me at thirty, and she remains one of the most beautiful women I know. Thus, author's premise is flawed, and can be disregarded.
Frankly, it sounds like the author is suffering from the standard "ah, to be a giddy schoolgirl again" syndrome, and I know for a fact that giddy-schoolgirl-itis is nowhere near as much fun as it's cracked up to be.
This is because my mom had me at thirty, and she remains one of the most beautiful women I know. Thus, author's premise is flawed, and can be disregarded.
Frankly, it sounds like the author is suffering from the standard "ah, to be a giddy schoolgirl again" syndrome, and I know for a fact that giddy-schoolgirl-itis is nowhere near as much fun as it's cracked up to be.
While I have quite a few self-image issues these days, and while I am indeed terrified of getting older, pretty much all of my age-related anguish is related to "but I was hoping I'd have accomplished so much more by now."
So many years gone by thinking "I'll be published by the end of this year"... I don't bother thinking that anymore.*
Also, my love life has gone steadily downhill since high school. In fact, it no longer exists.
*because I know I won't be.
So many years gone by thinking "I'll be published by the end of this year"... I don't bother thinking that anymore.*
Also, my love life has gone steadily downhill since high school. In fact, it no longer exists.
*because I know I won't be.
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I find young men (men in their 30s say), to be very hot, but I know that there's absolutely no way a typical man in his thirties would be interested in a serious, long-term relationship with a 50 year old woman. I also know that I'm not in the same place in my life as when I was in my thirties, so the chances of finding someone that age who is in the same place emotionally as I am now, is pretty slim (unless he were an unusually old soul).
Fact is, the supply of men gets shorter as you get older, and there's that whole fertility thing too. A guy in his 40s or 50s who wants to be a biological dad can probably manage it if he finds a younger woman. Not so in reverse. Nature dealt us women a dirty hand there.
One thing that's true for many women as they get older is they learn to care less about hotness (I know I was burned by a couple of hotties during my intemperate youth), though, and more about other qualities that make for a good relationship. I suspect this, along with the generally high ratio of older women to older men, is why many men who were not super popular with the ladies when younger, have to beat them off with a stick as they get older.
This is all hypothetical anyway, as I'm happily married to a wonderful man just three years my junior. And I do think he's very good looking, but that's not why I married him
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This post is just fantastic.
Oh man, the *best* part of getting into my 20s has been escaping that awful headspace of I should've been published by now, should've written twenty books by now, oh god life is short and I'm not getting enough done I'm running out of time everyone I know is dying, I'm dying....
The fear of mortality isn't completely gone, but it's quieter now. These days I just care about my craft and my mental & physical well-being and try not to stress about the stuff that's out of my hands.
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I’m a male and I’m 55.
I found this discussion useful because it gives me an inkling of what women really think as opposed to the face they put on it when they’re talking to me. My wife is 49 and I have 2 teenaged daughters and, socially, we mostly move in a circle of 40-50 year old females and their wallflower husbands. All I ever really hear in discussion is the party-line feminist dogma on the subject, so it is a surprise to me that it is apparently not uncommon that women care about losing their “hotness” or about the fact that strange men are now leaving them alone. I guess it is understandable. (I was invisible for many years, so I can perhaps appreciate that it is sometimes not the best feeling.)
When I turned 30 I was going through my Patrick Leigh Fermor stage and was spending a few years bumming around Europe, teaching English, and doing odd jobs. I have washed dishes in some pretty romantic places. I remember one older German setting me down and basically saying “if you ever want to find a wife, you’d better settle down and get a real job.” At the time I was shocked. And I was a little worried about it. (Basically, during my entire 20s I was “un-datable”. I was tall, skinny, pimply, bookish, and perpetually poor. Rejection was a way of life.) I returned to the States, got a Master’s Degree in a boring but useful field and then an internship at a fairly prestigious place. Internship turned into a regular job. Suddenly I was datable and I basically married the first woman who showed any interest. Good thing too. She’s a great woman and we’ve been married 23 years now. Funny enough, I now hear that I’m something of “a catch” …mainly because I’m emotionally stable, faithful, funny, dependable, and a good father (and rake in the bucks). I also agree with the poster above who said he finds himself more attractive now than when he was young. Attractive 30-something co-workers are now inviting me to coffee. Hot interns hover around me at parties. Oh, my gosh they are young. I could never go there. Ladies make suggestive comments and jokes in a flattering sort of way. I catch women ogling me. Where were you ladies when I was 22? The rational me says it is just because they know I’m “safe”. The irrational part of me likes the attention and is sometimes vain about it. I am not proud of the vanity part. I do sometimes flirt …but usually feel guilty about it. Was raised to believe that flirting is somehow not PC. Besides, I’m still haunted by my old insecurities from my 20s and can’t really believe that I’ve somehow magically become attractive. Ridiculous.
30 and 40 didn’t bother me. 50 was the first birthday that rattled me. And that was because I hadn’t accomplished everything that I’d hoped for (No novel published!) and because I was aware that I was past my prime in the sense that I was now up-against 30-something tech-savvy geniuses and that I could no longer keep up with them on the technology front. Now that I’m 55, I can also say that I’ve also noticed that the body starts to go at 50. Eyesight and hearing not as sharp as they used to be. Energy level lower… more prone to naps. J These days I suffer runners injuries and am getting bad knees. Also have to be careful about my back. Can’t drink like I used to. Noticing wrinkles and jowls for the first time. Skin drying out. Oye! I like my grey hair, however. It looks distinguished in a Richard Branson sort of way.
On the sex front, it is indeed a cruel joke of nature that men peak in their late teens/early twenties and that women don’t get their mojo until 35 and beyond. My wife has become a bit insatiable and sometimes it almost scares me. Thank god for Viagra. It does not bother me that neither of us have the bodies that we had 30 years ago. We’re both completely comfortable with each other and that counts for a lot. In short: I’d likely not choose to go back to 30 (certainly not 20!). I’m glad that 50 is the new 40. However, I am aware that sunset draws near and that time seems to accelerate as you age. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes faster towards the end. The immediate task on the horizon is putting both my daughters through University. Beyond that I must start to gently grapple with how to grow old gracefully, how to worry less, and how to love more. I want to be one of those happy, carefree, elderly gentlemen that you sometimes see, and not one of those grumpy old men who are far more common.
I found this discussion useful because it gives me an inkling of what women really think as opposed to the face they put on it when they’re talking to me. My wife is 49 and I have 2 teenaged daughters and, socially, we mostly move in a circle of 40-50 year old females and their wallflower husbands. All I ever really hear in discussion is the party-line feminist dogma on the subject, so it is a surprise to me that it is apparently not uncommon that women care about losing their “hotness” or about the fact that strange men are now leaving them alone. I guess it is understandable. (I was invisible for many years, so I can perhaps appreciate that it is sometimes not the best feeling.)
When I turned 30 I was going through my Patrick Leigh Fermor stage and was spending a few years bumming around Europe, teaching English, and doing odd jobs. I have washed dishes in some pretty romantic places. I remember one older German setting me down and basically saying “if you ever want to find a wife, you’d better settle down and get a real job.” At the time I was shocked. And I was a little worried about it. (Basically, during my entire 20s I was “un-datable”. I was tall, skinny, pimply, bookish, and perpetually poor. Rejection was a way of life.) I returned to the States, got a Master’s Degree in a boring but useful field and then an internship at a fairly prestigious place. Internship turned into a regular job. Suddenly I was datable and I basically married the first woman who showed any interest. Good thing too. She’s a great woman and we’ve been married 23 years now. Funny enough, I now hear that I’m something of “a catch” …mainly because I’m emotionally stable, faithful, funny, dependable, and a good father (and rake in the bucks). I also agree with the poster above who said he finds himself more attractive now than when he was young. Attractive 30-something co-workers are now inviting me to coffee. Hot interns hover around me at parties. Oh, my gosh they are young. I could never go there. Ladies make suggestive comments and jokes in a flattering sort of way. I catch women ogling me. Where were you ladies when I was 22? The rational me says it is just because they know I’m “safe”. The irrational part of me likes the attention and is sometimes vain about it. I am not proud of the vanity part. I do sometimes flirt …but usually feel guilty about it. Was raised to believe that flirting is somehow not PC. Besides, I’m still haunted by my old insecurities from my 20s and can’t really believe that I’ve somehow magically become attractive. Ridiculous.
30 and 40 didn’t bother me. 50 was the first birthday that rattled me. And that was because I hadn’t accomplished everything that I’d hoped for (No novel published!) and because I was aware that I was past my prime in the sense that I was now up-against 30-something tech-savvy geniuses and that I could no longer keep up with them on the technology front. Now that I’m 55, I can also say that I’ve also noticed that the body starts to go at 50. Eyesight and hearing not as sharp as they used to be. Energy level lower… more prone to naps. J These days I suffer runners injuries and am getting bad knees. Also have to be careful about my back. Can’t drink like I used to. Noticing wrinkles and jowls for the first time. Skin drying out. Oye! I like my grey hair, however. It looks distinguished in a Richard Branson sort of way.
On the sex front, it is indeed a cruel joke of nature that men peak in their late teens/early twenties and that women don’t get their mojo until 35 and beyond. My wife has become a bit insatiable and sometimes it almost scares me. Thank god for Viagra. It does not bother me that neither of us have the bodies that we had 30 years ago. We’re both completely comfortable with each other and that counts for a lot. In short: I’d likely not choose to go back to 30 (certainly not 20!). I’m glad that 50 is the new 40. However, I am aware that sunset draws near and that time seems to accelerate as you age. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes faster towards the end. The immediate task on the horizon is putting both my daughters through University. Beyond that I must start to gently grapple with how to grow old gracefully, how to worry less, and how to love more. I want to be one of those happy, carefree, elderly gentlemen that you sometimes see, and not one of those grumpy old men who are far more common.
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I'm 62 and have never been so in love with life.. and it just keeps getting better. Not just saying that. Hotness was never an issue for me; I had a lot of body issues when I was younger and was actually a lot prettier than I thought I was.
But that very lack of confidence in my ability to attract (which translated into reality!) was actually my redemption, as it sent me off into a variety of adventures that most people can only dream about or read about in books -- hitchhiking around South America for a year when I was 19-20, overland to India, meeting all kinds of utterly amazing and unforgettable people.
I'd say the 70's was for me a decade so magical I look back on it with almost awe, and nothing of it had to do with my sexual appeal. Then followed the decades of maturity, having and raising children, marriage, work, and, later, writing. My first novel was published just before I turned 50. More than a decade later, I'm about to enter the digital age of publishing -- in just a few weeks! And I'm off to India again and am foot-tapping with excitement!
Physically, I guess I've improved and apart from eyesight, memory issues and a knee that sometimes hurts I have no complaints. I do have a husband who is unfortunately very disabled and my life kind of revolves around his care; looking after him, sad as it has been, has made me a much more understanding and patient person and also more appreciative of, well, everything.
I also have a son who is farming in the depths of South America and a day job that is pretty interesting, and I have all kinds of plans for my retirement in three years -- choosing a country to retire to, a place to live where my husband can get the care he needs, and not far from my kids and (hopefully) grandkids.
My sixties up to now have been of a quality I could never have imagined when I was a sprite of 20. I would not want to go back to that insecurity and hunger for attention and appreciation. I'm excited about the book and the farm and going to India and all sorts of things and couldn't care less if society finds me invisible. Really, I don't understand why that is even an issue at all. I mean, who bloody cares?
But that very lack of confidence in my ability to attract (which translated into reality!) was actually my redemption, as it sent me off into a variety of adventures that most people can only dream about or read about in books -- hitchhiking around South America for a year when I was 19-20, overland to India, meeting all kinds of utterly amazing and unforgettable people.
I'd say the 70's was for me a decade so magical I look back on it with almost awe, and nothing of it had to do with my sexual appeal. Then followed the decades of maturity, having and raising children, marriage, work, and, later, writing. My first novel was published just before I turned 50. More than a decade later, I'm about to enter the digital age of publishing -- in just a few weeks! And I'm off to India again and am foot-tapping with excitement!
Physically, I guess I've improved and apart from eyesight, memory issues and a knee that sometimes hurts I have no complaints. I do have a husband who is unfortunately very disabled and my life kind of revolves around his care; looking after him, sad as it has been, has made me a much more understanding and patient person and also more appreciative of, well, everything.
I also have a son who is farming in the depths of South America and a day job that is pretty interesting, and I have all kinds of plans for my retirement in three years -- choosing a country to retire to, a place to live where my husband can get the care he needs, and not far from my kids and (hopefully) grandkids.
My sixties up to now have been of a quality I could never have imagined when I was a sprite of 20. I would not want to go back to that insecurity and hunger for attention and appreciation. I'm excited about the book and the farm and going to India and all sorts of things and couldn't care less if society finds me invisible. Really, I don't understand why that is even an issue at all. I mean, who bloody cares?
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I feel the same way. I'm 32, and it wasn't until the past couple years I finally started gaining confidence and feeling beautiful. Not all the time, of course. But much more often than what I was 20. I had no self-esteem, no sense of self-worth, and I wrapped my life up in a boy who said he loved me but had very different views of what love was. I was stepped on, emotionally beaten, and used. And thought I was happy.
I still have some issues. Everybody does. But for the most part, I'm confident in myself and my attractiveness.
That isn't to say I don't worry about getting older sometimes. I admit I do. But the life my husband and I have planned far outweighs the loss of attractiveness that happens as we get older. (I hope!)
Sorry? *wipes away a tear* This post is worthy of applause.
Absolutely. Beautiful post AE.
This is another winning post! Aruna, I've admired you since I came to AW, and I admire you even more after this post.
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This is another winning post! Aruna, I've admired you since I came to AW, and I admire you even more after this post.
Aww, thanks!
The long and the short of it is, youth and beauty are not all the are hyped up to be. Sure, for a woman they mean you will be VERY popular for a decade or so but what then? Thinking long term, it's better to seek other values to live for and an identity that is not based on physical attributes that are very, very fleeting. It's only trouble!And sorry that my post was one lump of a paragraph. I tried editing it but I was at my office computer which simply wouldn't let me add white space. It's now a bit easier on the eye! (And when you get older you do care about such details!)
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This is another winning post! Aruna, I've admired you since I came to AW, and I admire you even more after this post.
She's the bee's knees, every bit. A fantastic lady and a brilliant writer.
I'm a fan. Just sayin'.
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I've never been hit on by "strange men," or any men, really. Not in my teens, 20s or now. It rarely even happens online, let alone in person. Makes me wonder what's wrong with me.
Yep. You're a catch. Trust me, finding a guy who is emotionally stable has been the biggest challenge of my life. Still has yet to happen. Don't even get me started on finding a guy with a steady job. Emotionally unstable people don't tend to last at work.
Is that really true? If so, I'm scared for my future. I can't handle any more mojo.
I've never been hit on by "strange men," or any men, really. Not in my teens, 20s or now. It rarely even happens online, let alone in person. Makes me wonder what's wrong with me.
I'm 37, and you aren't missing much. It still happens, but I think I can deal with it better now. It probably has more to do with where you live than anything else.
Yup.
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Not necessarily. I never had a "peak" -- just wasn't interested enough! And never will. Don't think I'm missing anything!
Ex-pat-hack, for me you certainly would be a catch -- if I (and you!) were on the market!
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I despised turning 30. I am mortified that I am as old as I am - I don't feel my age so I've got that dysphoria kind of embarrassment, I tend to be attracted to people 10 years younger which is also embarrassing, I haven't accomplished many things that I should have accomplished by this age, and I expect other people would disrespect me if they evaluated my (lack of) accomplishments vs. my age.
I am mortified that I am as old as I am - I don't feel my age so I've got that dysphoria kind of embarrassment, I tend to be attracted to people 10 years younger which is also embarrassing, I haven't accomplished many things that I should have accomplished by this age, and I expect other people would disrespect me if they evaluated my (lack of) accomplishments vs. my age.
I'm at that awkward age where being attracted to people 10 years younger than me would land me in prison and a registered sex offender, and being attracted to people 10 years older than me leads to discussions that end with "oh how cute" and prompt ignores thereafter.
And I was also "too old" for the one girl I've met and liked who was actually into younger guys. Aaarrrggh. (Sorry.)
And I was also "too old" for the one girl I've met and liked who was actually into younger guys. Aaarrrggh. (Sorry.)
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No 30 is the relevant age for the transition from girlhood to womanhood. I've been terrified of turning 30 since I turned 23. I'm still a half decade away from it, but this article was everything I needed. Thanks for posting.
I despised turning 30.
Don't be so hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with dating younger (or older) people. I have friends in their late teens and friends in their 60s. It doesn't matter.
As for accomplishments, the 30s are only "old" if you're beginning a career as a dancer or model or something. For a writer, 30 is very young! A lot of writers don't become well-known until they are much older.
BTW--I spoke with my elderly grandmother this morning about this article/thread. She laughed and said it's all perspective. At her age, she thinks of 60-70 year olds as "babies!"
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