[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

Status
Not open for further replies.

amergina

Pittsburgh Strong
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 20, 2007
Messages
15,599
Reaction score
2,471
Location
Pittsburgh, PA
Website
www.annazabo.com
This is a thread inspired by the old Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP! thread.

That thread, over time, veered away from the original purpose, which was this:

This thread is inspired by the "first five pages" thread. Quite a few people expressed the opinion that it's not what happens, it's how it's said that hooks the reader. Personally, I read the back of the book to get an idea of whether I'll like the plot; then I open the first page and read the first few sentences to see if I like the style. If I get to the end of the page and I've read without skipping, I'll buy it.

SO-- post your first three sentences! Are they gripping? Do they read well? I feel like the opening sentence of any novel is as important as the closing sentence.
Posters: Three sentences only. :) (No, really. Post three sentences only. Trust me on this.)

Also, please don't put them in a quote box. The way quoting posts on AW works, when the readers go to quote your post, anything in a quote box is not quoted, so then they have to copy and paste them from your post, etc. It's kind of annoying. So format things like this:

--------
Hey all, I'm going to try my hand at this! Here's my sentences:

Gripping first sentence that captures your attention. Stunning second sentence that acts as a bridge. Amazing third sentence that causes your heart to pound and fingers itch to turn that page, but alas, there is no more.
----------

See, that was easy, right? :)

Readers: Are the sentences gripping? Do they read well? Would you keep reading? What questions do these sentences inspire about the character or story?

The idea of this thread is not for folks to provide an in-depth critique of the beginning of your novel, but to gauge whether the beginning is hooky enough to keep a reader interested.

If you would like an in-depth critique and discussion of the beginning of your novel, I would highly suggest checking out the Share Your Work section of AW (password vista).

Finally, remember the golden rule of AW is Respect Your Fellow Writer. Be excellent to each other.

ETA: Sentences from WIPs are fine, though I would strongly caution against posting the first three sentences of your brand new NaNo WIP on November 2nd. You know? I *would* like them to be from novels, though, since this is the Novels forum.

When I talk about detailed crits, I'm more talking about line-by-line crits and picking apart every word, since those are better done when there are more words than provided by three sentences.

ETA2:

For those that are posting for the first time to this thread, you know that adage about being careful of what you ask for?

That applies 100-fold to whenever you ask for a critique.

Be very very very very sure you are willing to hear what people honestly think about your writing before posting in this thread.

People on this thread will be honest. Sometimes that honesty will seem harsh and like a personal attack, since all writers are very close to their words.

Remember, you are not the words. Someone not liking your words or having issues with them does not mean they are attacking you.

You can always disregard a poster's comments. They may be wrong. But they took the time to answer, so either thank them or ignore them and move on.

ETA3: The spirit of this thread is to improve our writing, not showcase it, therefore please only post your own unpublished work.

There's another thread, called Favorite lines you've written, that is for showcasing (and not critiquing) lines from your work. Feel free to post your favorite lines from your published works there.

ETA4: Please don't delete your previous posts if you decide to update your sentences. Also, give people the chance to critique before revising. This isn't a race.

ETA5: There's nothing wrong with some line by line crits or explanations on why a hook doesn't catch you. There's also nothing wrong with someone asking folks to limit it to just whether the hook catches them, or to be gentle in any extra crit.

There really ought to not be paragraphs upon paragraphs of critique for three sentences. If someone can't be succinct in their commentary, that's not the fault of someone's first three sentences--that's on the critiquer's head.

If you don't like someone's commentary, scroll past. If you feel that it's egregious in its content or abusive, click the report post triangle.
 
Last edited:

rainsmom

Feeling like an old timer
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 15, 2010
Messages
1,030
Reaction score
118
Location
Pacific NW
Website
www.melissa-c-alexander.com
Okay, so here are my first 3 sentences.

All for the want of a horseshoe nail. That pithy warning, one of his dad’s favorites, taunted nine-year-old Lucas Gibson as he watched a sleek, black bullet streak toward its target. In this case, the nail was a forgotten leash, the bullet was a dog, and the target was a fallen duck: Mister Halsey’s duck.
 

Marian Perera

starting over
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
Messages
14,333
Reaction score
4,578
Location
Heaven is a place on earth called Toronto.
Website
www.marianperera.com
All for the want of a horseshoe nail. That pithy warning, one of his dad’s favorites, taunted nine-year-old Lucas Gibson as he watched a sleek, black bullet streak toward its target. In this case, the nail was a forgotten leash, the bullet was a dog, and the target was a fallen duck: Mister Halsey’s duck.

I'd keep reading, just because I'm curious about where the duck fell from. Poor duck.
 

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
Okay, so here are my first 3 sentences.

All for the want of a horseshoe nail. That pithy warning, one of his dad’s favorites, taunted nine-year-old Lucas Gibson as he watched a sleek, black bullet streak toward its target. In this case, the nail was a forgotten leash, the bullet was a dog, and the target was a fallen duck: Mister Halsey’s duck.

I like! What's going to happen to the poor duck? Or will the dog get the worst of it?
 

ap123

Twitching
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 4, 2007
Messages
5,648
Reaction score
1,732
Location
In the 212
Okay, so here are my first 3 sentences.

All for the want of a horseshoe nail. That pithy warning, one of his dad’s favorites, taunted nine-year-old Lucas Gibson as he watched a sleek, black bullet streak toward its target. In this case, the nail was a forgotten leash, the bullet was a dog, and the target was a fallen duck: Mister Halsey’s duck.

Nicely done, it hooks and I'd like to know more.

*I'm glad to have this thread back :)
 

zanzjan

killin' all teh werds
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
VPX
VPXI
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 5, 2010
Messages
9,728
Reaction score
3,208
Location
home home homityhomehome
Interesting, and flows nicely too. I would also keep reading.

Thanks for sharing. :)
 

Accebera

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 13, 2012
Messages
327
Reaction score
22
Location
Wisconsin
Website
creativephotoprompts.tumblr.com
Though I'm personally not fond of the first line (probably because it's an expression I haven't heard before), I like it. Instant sympathy for the boy (and the duck). I'd keep reading.
 

PandaMan

Panda girls are the best!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
1,570
Reaction score
237
Location
Florida
Okay, so here are my first 3 sentences.

All for the want of a horseshoe nail. That pithy warning, one of his dad’s favorites, taunted nine-year-old Lucas Gibson as he watched a sleek, black bullet streak toward its target. In this case, the nail was a forgotten leash, the bullet was a dog, and the target was a fallen duck: Mister Halsey’s duck.
I think the first entry of this rejuvenated thread is a winner. It's also exactly the kind of book I'm in the mood to read right now. It reminds me of the Dennis the Menace comic strip I read in the newspaper every morning when I was a kid.

Thanks for sharing rainsmom.
 

Serani

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
60
Reaction score
3
Location
DFW
Website
www.grace-duncan.com
"No, no, no, no, no!" This foot stomp accompanying this shout caused Patrick and Rhys to exchange looks. "How long have you been working on this scene? ..."

(this is not the end of the dialog)

WIP is my current project, No Sacrifice.

Also, my first sentence is usually one of the last things I work on. Since I'm getting close to the end, I figured it'd be time to post. :)
 
Last edited:

jjdebenedictis

is watching you via her avatar
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
7,063
Reaction score
1,642
Rainsmom: Great writing. It's not subject matter that would normally grab me, but I'm hooked.

Serani: Also fine writing, but unfortunately, I'm not hooked. I think it's because a temper tantrum isn't necessarily a promise that the situation is unstable and about to escalate. A person can blow a gasket, and it's usually something that will sort itself out relatively quickly and without repercussions.

Edit: I had other comments, Serani, but then I remembered Amergina's warning and trembled in my boots. :) If you want to hear them, send me a PM. They're constructive comments, I promise!
 
Last edited:

Kayley

Someday.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 9, 2009
Messages
1,188
Reaction score
254
Location
Los Angeles, CA
"No, no, no, no, no!" This foot stomp accompanying this shout caused Patrick and Rhys to exchange looks. "How long have you been working on this scene? ..."

(this is not the end of the dialog)

WIP is my current project, No Sacrifice.

Also, my first sentence is usually one of the last things I work on. Since I'm getting close to the end, I figured it'd be time to post. :)

This did not hook me - it sounded like something that would be written in the middle of the novel, not at the beginning, and I found myself confused about who was speaking and who Patrick and Rhys are. Also, it was strange that it says "this foot stomp" when we don't yet know what particular foot stomp is being referred to, which is another reason I initially thought this was from the middle of a novel rather than the beginning.

I remember reading a post from an agent at WriteOnCon saying that it's generally not advisable to start stories with dialogue tags and I agree, because they generally confuse the reader more than hook them (unless the dialogue's amazing.) Here, at least, it is not working for me. I would prefer to be grounded in the scene first, even if it's just through one or two sentences.

EDIT: Does this violate the new thread guidelines...? I mean what I say respectfully and I offer my insights based on why I would not read further in the book. However, I could also understand if this qualifies as an in-depth critique. I'm a bit unsure about what exactly an "in-depth critique" entails in the context of this thread.
 
Last edited:

Serani

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
60
Reaction score
3
Location
DFW
Website
www.grace-duncan.com
Thanks. I knew about the time I hit submit that it was going to undergo a lot of work and it will. My first paragraph is usually the last thing I write. I hate that part of it. I swear it's harder than the other 120k words in the book. XD

Thank you!
 

chompers

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 19, 2013
Messages
2,506
Reaction score
384
Thanks. I knew about the time I hit submit that it was going to undergo a lot of work and it will. My first paragraph is usually the last thing I write. I hate that part of it. I swear it's harder than the other 120k words in the book. XD

Thank you!
Totally agree. I usually write the first chapter last. It's hard! First impressions...
gotta captivate them enough to continue with the rest.

Having said that, here's mine. This is one where I didn't leave the beginning till the end, mainly because it was due. :p

~~~~
If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.
 
Last edited:

Turhan

Someone
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 3, 2013
Messages
115
Reaction score
5
Location
Somewhere in my mind
"No, no, no, no, no!" This foot stomp accompanying this shout caused Patrick and Rhys to exchange looks. "How long have you been working on this scene? ..."

(this is not the end of the dialog)

WIP is my current project, No Sacrifice.

Also, my first sentence is usually one of the last things I work on. Since I'm getting close to the end, I figured it'd be time to post. :)

I'd keep reading despite the 'seeming' subject matter/genre not being something I'm in to, I like 'the writing style'

Well done.
 
Last edited:

WriteMinded

Derailed
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 16, 2010
Messages
6,209
Reaction score
775
Location
Paradise Lost
*I'm glad to have this thread back :)
Me too. :)

Rainsmom:
Edit: . . . but then I remembered Amergina's warning and trembled in my boots. :)
Me too. I keep reading the instructions over and over.

"No, no, no, no, no!" This foot stomp accompanying this shout caused Patrick and Rhys to exchange looks. "How long have you been working on this scene? ..."

(this is not the end of the dialog)

WIP is my current project, No Sacrifice.


Also, my first sentence is usually one of the last things I work on. Since I'm getting close to the end, I figured it'd be time to post. :)

I am not gripped.

The foot stomping reference threw me a bit. It seems like something is missing. - - - Huh, how's that for vague?

Questions that arise: Who is talking?

Well, that was totally unhelpful. :D
 

WriteMinded

Derailed
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 16, 2010
Messages
6,209
Reaction score
775
Location
Paradise Lost
Totally agree. I usually write the first chapter last. It's hard! First impressions...
gotta captivate them enough to continue with the rest.

Having said that, here's mine. This is one where I didn't leave the beginning till the end, mainly because it was due. :p

~~~~
If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.
I would read the next paragraph to see if the story starts there.

Questions: Omniscient POV? Does all of the story take place in a 48-hour period?
 

ap123

Twitching
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 4, 2007
Messages
5,648
Reaction score
1,732
Location
In the 212
"No, no, no, no, no!" This foot stomp accompanying this shout caused Patrick and Rhys to exchange looks. "How long have you been working on this scene? ..."

This doesn't pull me in, sorry. I am not opposed to beginning with dialogue, but if you do, it has to be very clear and very intriguing.

I'm not sure who's saying "No..." and foot stomping isn't making me say yes, I want to know more.

That said, I think re-writing could allow the same opening scene to be more effective. Good luck!
 

amergina

Pittsburgh Strong
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 20, 2007
Messages
15,599
Reaction score
2,471
Location
Pittsburgh, PA
Website
www.annazabo.com
A few notes:

Sentences from WIPs are fine, though I would strongly caution against posting the first three sentences of your brand new NaNo WIP on November 2nd. You know? I *would* like them to be from novels, though, since this is the Novels forum.

Kayley, your crit is fine. I'm more talking about line-by-line crits and picking apart every word, since those are better done when there are more words than provided by three sentences.
 

Wilde_at_heart

υπείκωphobe
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
3,243
Reaction score
514
Location
Southern Ontario
Hurrah - the thread is back! :partyguy:

Rainsmom - good job. Don't know if it's an actual saying, but that doesn't matter here, because it fits. Love the dog-bullet.

Serani, I think the problem might be the word choice that follows - it creates distance when a (toddler freaking out?) might bring me in. It's sort 'come-here, go-away' for me.

chompers I'm not sure - it would hang entirely on the next few paragraphs though. It feels like a false hook that might be a I promise I will get to the interesting bit if you just wait through the next six pages of set up and back story! However I'd read the next bit just to be sure one way or another.

As for my own in the closed-out thread, I tend to think of 'tell oneself' as not saying something aloud, but I guess I'll change that. And 'woke' should be 'roused' maybe? The whole point was she realizes quickly she's undergoing sleep paralysis but still freaks out at first. Still, for now I've got a different opening but DID want to thank all who participated.
 

rainsmom

Feeling like an old timer
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 15, 2010
Messages
1,030
Reaction score
118
Location
Pacific NW
Website
www.melissa-c-alexander.com
If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.
I'm torn on this, Chompers. My gut says this could be dropped, and you could start with what happened and let us find out what happened the same way Lexie does. I also wonder if the whole novel will be omniscient POV, or if this is just a little omniscient narration to orient us before we drop into the story.
 

Little Anonymous Me

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 24, 2012
Messages
5,191
Reaction score
1,184
Location
Florida
*peeks in*

I want to play too! :D


If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.


I like this. It reads a little humorously (I hope it's supposed to, because that's what I like ;)), and I want to know why her Monday was so terrible. The only thing I might recommend is shortening the list of actions in the second sentence, because it reads a touch long for my taste.

Nice work!
 

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 4, 2012
Messages
9,883
Reaction score
7,171
Location
Virginia
I'm glad to have the thread back, too. Thanks, amergina.

This is something I've been playing with as a potential start to the fourth book in my fantasy series:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.
 

Wilde_at_heart

υπείκωphobe
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
3,243
Reaction score
514
Location
Southern Ontario
I'm glad to have the thread back, too. Thanks, amergina.

This is something I've been playing with as a potential start to the fourth book in my fantasy series:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

I'm not sure about 'window' being followed with non-visual senses, but I do like the general idea of this 'soul sucker' so far, along with the way it's presented for the most part. A few too many adjectives for me though.
 
Last edited:

richcapo

Knight Templar
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 8, 2010
Messages
953
Reaction score
49
Location
Fairfax, Virginia
He had never before dreamed in such blackness. Perhaps as a child, but never since puberty had the General spent a night without fattened rumps, swollen breasts, or bulging rifles surreally glowing in his head. Sleep had since his first cum and gun shots brought him such colorful diversion—each night, every night; it’d always been wonderful—but now everything was shadow.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.