[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

josephperin said:

Ah thanks. Here goes -

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster ​this sounds like the dumpster is actively overflowing in the alley, thin frame quaking unsure what's quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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The idea here is good, but I'm not pulled in. The third sentence would (IMO) be stronger if we heard the baby when she did. More in the way of she heard a sound and found a baby. I dunno.

You have similar sentence structures for 1 and 3. Consider varying those -- only because they are such distinctive structures they stand out.

I was nine years old when I first saw a ghost. She was tall and slender and stood at the end of my bed. I didn't feel scared, because my parents had warned me that some day it would happen, but I felt a little uneasy as she watched me with her black, expressionless eyes.

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I love the fact that they character's parents had always warned them about seeing a ghost. That tells me a great deal about the character and their family. It pulls me into the story more than them having seen a ghost. Maybe lead with that? Also, your description of the ghost is fairly typical, so you can safely leave that out unless there's something special about it (an obvious wound from where they were killed, for example). Also, I need a better reference point than the "end" of the bed. A ghost at the foot of the bed is a whole lot different than a ghost at the head of the bed, I would imagine.

Something like this, I think, would work:

My parents had always warned me that I might see a ghost one day, and they were right. I was nine years old, and I woke up to see her standing at the foot [or head] of my bed. I wasn't afraid, but her steady, hard gaze did make me at least a little uneasy.

josephperin said:

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley, thin frame quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley, thin frame quaking. I like these opening lines with suggestions for rearranging and the first change of often-repeated "the": Thin frame quaking, Mary hid in the ally behind an overflowing dumpster.

The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. Again, excellent words of setting needs to be rearranged while getting rid of repeats of the same article: Strong gasoline odors clashed with a stench of days-old garbage as angry young men set fire to an overturned squad car on Division Street.
She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters. This is the grabber urging me to read on: She almost missed mewling infant cries nearly drowned by shouts of rioters. Put a "the" or two back in, but there's no need for none of 'em.

I meant: no need for nine of 'em. Sorry to be such a bad speller.

josephperin said:

Ah thanks. Here goes -

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley, thin frame quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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I agree with the above comments that there's a lot of action happening here and it would be better developed into a scene. I think some of the description of what's going on, like the noise of the riot and the rioters setting fire to the car, deserve sentences of their own, which they'd get if you develop this into a scene and it would all come across more strongly. It doesn't have to be a long scene.

Also, maybe this is a dialect thing but I feel like there should be "her" before "thin frame quaking".

josephperin said:

Ah thanks. Here goes -

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley, thin frame quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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The sentence in bold presents the information out of order. Probably should flip it around. Using"as" to join two halves of a sentence often causes this problem, which is a good reason to avoid it, IMO.

The reference to her thin frame quaking is a POV slip (she's not going to see herself this way) if you're writing third-person limited POV, which you appear to be. Also, if the infant's cries are drowned out, she can't hear them, so I think that needs rewording.

I'd keep reading for a bit to see what happens, though would appreciate more precise word choices and better flow.

Chase said:

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley, thin frame quaking. I like these opening lines with suggestions for rearranging and the first change of often-repeated "the": Thin frame quaking, Mary hid in the ally behind an overflowing dumpster.

The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. Again, excellent words of setting needs to be rearranged while getting rid of repeats of the same article: Strong gasoline odors clashed with a stench of days-old garbage as angry young men set fire to an overturned squad car on Division Street.
She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters. This is the grabber urging me to read on: She almost missed mewling infant cries nearly drowned by shouts of rioters. Put a "the" or two back in, but there's no need for none of 'em.

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Was going to suggest trimming some 'the's out for closer POV, but Chase beat me to it.

BethS said:

The reference to her thin frame quaking is a POV slip

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^That too, unless you're writing in omni?

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley,A bit awkward. thin frame quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stenchA more specific description of the smells would heighten this description. of days-old garbage as the angry young menVery general description of the men. on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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This reads very generally. Hiding behind a dumpster, angry young rioters, overturned police car. There's no specifics in these opening lines.

As writers, we're not expected to have first hand experience of everything we write, but this feels as if it was written watching a television program. My suggestion would be to heighten the lines with more concrete, specific descriptions.

Much thanks to all who critted.

NightMaster said:

I would love to take part in this, any critique welcome:

I was nine years old when I first saw a ghost. She was tall and slender and stood at the end of my bed. I didn't feel scared, because my parents had warned me that some day it would happen, but I felt a little uneasy as she watched me with her black, expressionless eyes.

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Ooh. You hooked me in that third line with the parents warning her bit. I'd read on from that alone.

Could punch up your ghost - maybe pick one creepy or unique thing to knowing it's a ghost in your world, rather than just any old story ghost.

leifwright said:

Got one I just started tonight:

As holdups went, this was by far the most genteel Marvin McBride had ever witnessed. Not that he had witnessed any other than this one. The gunman, balding, chubby but calm and assured, commanded respect by sole virtue of the power of his gaze.

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Hey Leif! I loved the opening line. But the second made me headscratch and the third was just okay. I think Beth had a good suggestion to put us in the moment after the first line and show us how it's genteel. I'd read on for that!

josephperin said:

Ah thanks. Here goes -

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the overflowing dumpster in the alley, thin frame quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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I'd like to know why Mary's hiding behind that dumpster, maybe get in her head just a little more so I really sink in this scene, but I like the setup. Good bones to this.

josephperin said:

Ah thanks. Here goes -

June 1966
Division Street, Chicago

Mary hid behind the an overflowing dumpster in the alley, her thin frame quaking. The strong odor of gasoline mingled with the stench of days-old garbage as the angry young men on the street set fire to the an overturned squad car. She almost missed the mewling cries of the infant, drowned out as they were by the shouts of the rioters.

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I'll echo the sentiments that it would be nice if this was closer to Mary's POV. There's description of what's going on, but I didn't get much sense of what it was like from her perspective. It almost could be interpreted as being narrated from someone next to her.

I suggest being careful about using "the." A good rule of thumb I like to use is, "Am I referring to a specific instance of something?" If not, consider removing it or replacing it with the more general "a/an."

leifwright said:

Got one I just started tonight:

As holdups went, this was by far the most genteel Marvin McBride had ever witnessed. Not that he had witnessed any other than this one. The gunman, balding, chubby but calm and assured, commanded respect by sole virtue of the power of his gaze.

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Hi Leif,

I like the humor with the contrast between the first two sentences, but I do think they contradict each other a little too much. Maybe you could try something like, "As holdups went, this was by far the most genteel Marvin McBride had ever witnessed; not that he had much experience with them."

So I figure since I've had an account here for almost 8 years now (and not even 30 posts ), I'm probably overdue on submitting something for critique.



Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

Monolith said:

Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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A few questions that could be answered with some additions/tweaks to your first three sentences:
1. Which young people? Why are they holding a body - are they doctors, nurses?
2. Is Sam a doctor? Is he the coroner?
3. What's so special about the body? Now, this might be the hook to keep me running but I'd love a little more of a hint.

I'm not sure the second sentence works as well as it could. I see what you're going for but the comment feels quite generic.

Monolith said:

Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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My thoughts,

The first sentence, you're starting with a character, and that is good, but it has this kind of stodgy feel to it. Sam is bored and waiting. I don't really want to be bored and waiting with him.

I personally would be more inspired to read on if I heard Sam's thoughts on what's going on with this body he'll be investigating.

The second sentence doesn't really work for me. It hangs, it's vague, and I'm not really sure if it makes sense. I can't think of a personality trait which encourages young people to postpone your progress. Maybe there is one, IDK.

The third sentence I liked at first, but after I read it a second time I found it counter productive. You kill the tension by saying--essentially--there's no conspiracy, but then you introduce the body, which peaks my interest. So, maybe it could come across better.

Just my thoughts.

Good Luck

Monolith said:

Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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, Monolith. He who bides his time before speaking usually has something worthwhile to say. You proved it with this opening making me want to read further.

Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area.

Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. This second line certainly speaks for old codgers like me.

Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body. For me, this thought is the grabber. Is the staff playing tricks on an elderly worker? Are they kindly delaying a shock for an older member of the deceased's family? Is this a tactic to slow a police investigation? Who wouldn't read on?

Mary Love said:

^That too, unless you're writing in omni?

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Sure. But the voice in that piece (admittedly, a very small sample) didn't strike me as omniscient.

Monolith said:

Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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Not bad! The third line hooked me. I assume you'll be filling in details as you go about who Sam is, who these young people are, why he's suspicious of them, and why he's waiting to see a corpse in a hospital. Does he really think doctors or nurses are trying to hide something from him?

The one red flag I see with this opening is the fact he's not doing anything but waiting and thinking. You should maybe ask yourself if it's really important to have him do that.

Monolith said:

So I figure since I've had an account here for almost 8 years now (and not even 30 posts ), I'm probably overdue on submitting something for critique.



Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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Mundane, until that last sentence, which totally inserted the knife and twisted. I like. Would definitely read on.

Originally Posted by Monolith
Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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It's good, Monolith, but I do have a question: is the watch important in this story? Will we see it again and again as a sort of talisman? (I ask, because that's the case in a story I'm writing.)

If it isn't important, better skip that watch and just let Sam decide to grab that coffee. You don't want to emphasize something that doesn't deserve it.

And yes, I would read on.

Monolith said:

So I figure since I've had an account here for almost 8 years now (and not even 30 posts ), I'm probably overdue on submitting something for critique.



Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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This is interesting. I feel it can be made even more interesting by telling the readers what position Sam holds in the hospital.


Young people never had a problem making him wait, even though he was the hospital's chief pathologist.

Also #3. If he was used to young people making him wait why would he think someone was trying to hide something.

Instead, how about - It was almost enough to make him think they were trying to hide something.

Monolith said:

So I figure since I've had an account here for almost 8 years now (and not even 30 posts ), I'm probably overdue on submitting something for critique.



Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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Nice. Ordinary day, ordinary observation--bam twist! I'd read on.

TellMeAStory said:

It's good, Monolith, but I do have a question: is the watch important in this story? Will we see it again and again as a sort of talisman? (I ask, because that's the case in a story I'm writing.)

If it isn't important, better skip that watch and just let Sam decide to grab that coffee. You don't want to emphasize something that doesn't deserve it.

And yes, I would read on.

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Good point. He could just be checking the "time", but a watch is that first hint of an older person. So, it's kinda nice for that.

Southpaw said:

but a watch is that first hint of an older person.

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What kinda crack is that? I'm only 75 and three months old, and I wear a watch. If Monolith wanted old, he'd have Sam wear a sundial.

Monolith said:

So I figure since I've had an account here for almost 8 years now (and not even 30 posts ), I'm probably overdue on submitting something for critique.



Sam checked his watch before deciding to grab another coffee from the hospital's lounge area. Young people never had a problem keeping him waiting, even though they loved to rush everything else. Doubtless they're trying to hide something before I see the body.

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When I first read this I thought that Sam was a coroner/whatever you call the person who does post mortems in hospital, and there wasn't enough reason for him to be suspicious that someone's up to something (trying to hide the cause of death - pretty heavy and not very common seeing as any unexpected death requires a post mortem and the vast majority don't involve anything criminal) - then I read the crits and saw that some people had taken him to not be a hospital employee... re-reading it with Sam as a relative in the hospital after a family member's died - it all makes a lot more sense. I think you somehow need to indicate a little more about who Sam is without disturbing the voice or how the sentences flow. Other than that I like these sentences and the voice. And I'd read on to find out more about what's going on.

Try deleting "before deciding to" in the first sentence. "Sam checked his watch, then grabbed another coffee..." It might be a little snappier. Unless he never gets that coffee.

Chase said:

What kinda crack is that? I'm only 75 and three months old, and I wear a watch. If Monolith wanted old, he'd have Sam wear a sundial.

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Older my dear Chase, not old.