Hello all. Been a while since I've been on here, took a walkabout from AW for a while. Back now, and still fighting to kratz out a rough draft of the same Exodus retelling I was working on the last time I posted here. New opening, new starting point (not that anyone but me is cursed with the memory of its predecessors).
Please tear in and do your worst. Ancient Egypt, 1274 B.C.:
In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.
As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. <This is extra setup for the next two, which are already self-explanatory Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business,<Suggest full stop here for impact but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.
Good to see you back. I remember the previous versions, and am glad to see it still alive.
This looks like it starts in the right place. I've made a suggestion to try and help tighten. Hope to see more of it in SYW!