I think my head just exploded.The estate agent from the estate drove the estate through the estate to get to Lord Etonboy's estate.
ETA: the bothersome thing is, that made perfect sense to me.
I think my head just exploded.The estate agent from the estate drove the estate through the estate to get to Lord Etonboy's estate.
I think my head just exploded.
ETA: the bothersome thing is, that made perfect sense to me.
Okay you crit sharks, here's a piece of meat from an old short story of mine:
I’d never seen an apparition before, but if I didn’t know better, I’m sure I could’ve mistaken the vision above me for an angel; her white dress shimmering in full moonlight, billowing up around her like wings and blond hair lifting like a halo over her head. That is one hell of a long sentence. The catch? I’m pretty sure angels can fly, and this apparition wasn’t flying.
The fourth sentence (if you couldn't guess): "She was falling." But don't you be critting that one!
Dusk pushed his victim's estate doors open, silence rushing into his ears like a sweet song. He pulled his hood tightoverhead, concealing features marking him assomeonenon-human, and not entirely elven. His hands tightened around two sheathed twin-blades on his belt.
No, because we on this thread never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get into long convoluted discussions about a single word or fact from someone's opening, leaving the author of said opening to check back for crits and stumble upon the carnage, blinking in disbelief and wondering WTF they started.
Because that never ever ever ever ever happens here.
Never.
You guys are great! Thanks so much for critting my opening lines. Lots of good suggestions and constructive criticism, it's all appreciated.
No, because we on this thread never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get into long convoluted discussions about a single word or fact from someone's opening, leaving the author of said opening to check back for crits and stumble upon the carnage, blinking in disbelief and wondering WTF they started.
Because that never ever ever ever ever happens here.
Never.
ETA: I confess to being rather taken by the idea of a medieval elven rogue breaking into a Vauxhall Corsa or something.
No, that sounds about right.
Translation for anyone on the other side of the pond who's confused:
The realtor from the projects drove the station wagon through the projects to get to Hank W Dollarbucks the 3rd's million dollar estate.
At least I think that's how it best translates into American English. Feel free to mock me mercilessly if I got it wrong.
Dusk pushed his victim's estate doors open, silence rushing into his ears like a sweet song. He pulled his hood tight overhead, concealing features marking him as someone non-human, and not entirely elven. His hands tightened around two sheathed twin-blades on his belt.
Originally Posted by darkangel77
Dusk pushed his victim's estate doors open, silence rushing into his ears like a sweet song. He pulled his hood tight overhead, concealing features marking him as someone non-human, and not entirely elven. His hands tightened around two sheathed twin-blades on his belt.
My biggest qualm is "them." There is no reason to delay or avoid telling the readers what were coming. Suspense is not achieved by withholding information.I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:
The womanMary Sue {since she is the protagonist, might as well name her} looked out from between the bars. In the moonlightshe could see themthe zombies were coming. She had only a few moments.
I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:
The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.
I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:
The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.
I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:
The woman needs a name looked out from between the bars I imagine she's looking out from a cell; is that correct? you could probably add some colour to that description. In the moonlight she could see them cute bunnies! coming (this is another place where you could add some description, with just a couple of well-chosen words if you want to keep it light: how are "they" coming: walking? running? ambling? You mention the moonlight, but I don't know if it's an urban setting, the desert, a forest...). She had only a few moments.
The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.
I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:
The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.
Amarillo, Texas? Who was the unlucky crittee?
OK. Here's another one, from another very old manuscript. There's absolutely no context here, so maybe it will be a bust, but I'm all about keeping the thread going.
Cows have a smell about them. It's really unlike any other scent in the world. I think it's probably mostly their shit, but it's not an overly shit-like smell at all.
Reads like an academic paper on cow dung. I think it would be more engaging if the MC gets involved in some activities with the cows first.OK. Here's another one, from another very old manuscript. There's absolutely no context here, so maybe it will be a bust, but I'm all about keeping the thread going.
Cows have a smell about them. It's really unlike any other scent in the world. I think it's probably mostly their shit, but it's not an overly shit-like smell at all.
Reads like an academic paper on cow dung. I think it would be more engaging if the MC gets involved in some activities with the cows first.
(I did some research eons ago on life in eastern Africa for my story and learned that cow dung is an amazing thing. Among the many uses, dried dung powder can be applied onto skin as insect repellent [as well as for rituals]. Thus I think they don't smell bad.)
neandermagnon said:While mental derails are often not a terribly good start with a novel, in this case I think childhood memories of this kind of thing would increase empathy with your main characters, so I'd read on.
I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:
The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.