[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

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neandermagnon

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I think my head just exploded.

ETA: the bothersome thing is, that made perfect sense to me.

:greenie

Translation for anyone on the other side of the pond who's confused:

The realtor from the projects drove the station wagon through the projects to get to Hank W Dollarbucks the 3rd's million dollar estate.

At least I think that's how it best translates into American English. Feel free to mock me mercilessly if I got it wrong.
 

neandermagnon

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Going back on topic... *cough*

Darkangel... I like your opening. I would read on, even if estate doesn't mean a car. Or even if it does. I'm interested in the character and would read on to find out more so please excuse my rather anarchic humour.
 

JJ Litke

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Okay you crit sharks, here's a piece of meat from an old short story of mine:

I’d never seen an apparition before, but if I didn’t know better, I’m sure I could’ve mistaken the vision above me for an angel; her white dress shimmering in full moonlight, billowing up around her like wings and blond hair lifting like a halo over her head. That is one hell of a long sentence. The catch? I’m pretty sure angels can fly, and this apparition wasn’t flying.

The fourth sentence (if you couldn't guess): "She was falling." But don't you be critting that one! ;)

The first sentence makes me think angel is being used as a metaphor, but the 'angels can fly' bit makes me think this is a world with literal angels.

The opening line really needs to be trimmed down, and I'm not sure you need the second sentence at all.

Interesting premise.
 

JJ Litke

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Dusk pushed his victim's estate doors open, silence rushing into his ears like a sweet song. He pulled his hood tight overhead, concealing features marking him as someone non-human, and not entirely elven. His hands tightened around two sheathed twin-blades on his belt.

Re, the debate about estate: I assumed estate as in a large property and house. In any case, it's awkward wording that could be smoother and clearer.

It seems odd that he'd wait until entering to pull his hood down to conceal his face, so that part must be there just to add description. It also isn't really in his POV. That's not terrible, but if you go deeper into his head and show the scene from his perspective, I think it could be stronger.
 

darkangel77

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You guys are great! Thanks so much for critting my opening lines. Lots of good suggestions and constructive criticism, it's all appreciated.

I definitely like the word 'mark' better than 'victim"...thanks, it was just the word I was looking for. Noted the suggested corrections, as well and corrected the lines accordingly.

No, because we on this thread never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get into long convoluted discussions about a single word or fact from someone's opening, leaving the author of said opening to check back for crits and stumble upon the carnage, blinking in disbelief and wondering WTF they started.

Because that never ever ever ever ever happens here.

Never.

:greenie

LOL! That's exactly what happened. Gave me a good laugh on my way home from work, though. Now I have the image of Dusk breaking into a little estate car burned into my mind...I love it.

I never thought the word 'estate' could spark such a discussion! I ended up using the words 'country house' instead :p
 

Mary Love

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You guys are great! Thanks so much for critting my opening lines. Lots of good suggestions and constructive criticism, it's all appreciated.

Ditto! This is a great productive place to hangout. Once in awhile funny too. :)
 

josephperin

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No, because we on this thread never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get into long convoluted discussions about a single word or fact from someone's opening, leaving the author of said opening to check back for crits and stumble upon the carnage, blinking in disbelief and wondering WTF they started.

Because that never ever ever ever ever happens here.

Never.

:greenie



ETA: I confess to being rather taken by the idea of a medieval elven rogue breaking into a Vauxhall Corsa or something.

Amarillo, Texas? Who was the unlucky crittee?
 

edutton

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:greenie

Translation for anyone on the other side of the pond who's confused:

The realtor from the projects drove the station wagon through the projects to get to Hank W Dollarbucks the 3rd's million dollar estate.

At least I think that's how it best translates into American English. Feel free to mock me mercilessly if I got it wrong.
No, that sounds about right.
 

leifwright

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Dusk pushed his victim's estate doors open, silence rushing into his ears like a sweet song. He pulled his hood tight overhead, concealing features marking him as someone non-human, and not entirely elven. His hands tightened around two sheathed twin-blades on his belt.

As you noted above, "country house" is probably better for instant understanding, though I'm from the US and "estate" conjured an image of a country house for me.

In the first sentence, "silence rushing" strikes me as an oxymoron, though technically, I'm sure it's not. It just seems that silence is passive, and rushing is quite active.

"someone non-human, and not entirely elven" I think could use some repetition: "not entirely human, not entirely elven."

I don't think "twin-blades" needs the hyphen.

All that said, I like this.
 
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TellMeAStory

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Originally Posted by darkangel77
Dusk pushed his victim's estate doors open, silence rushing into his ears like a sweet song. He pulled his hood tight overhead, concealing features marking him as someone non-human, and not entirely elven. His hands tightened around two sheathed twin-blades on his belt.

As nobody has mentioned this yet, how about ...someone non-human but not entirely elven...?
 

Cabbit

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I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:

The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.
 

Bing Z

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I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:

The woman Mary Sue {since she is the protagonist, might as well name her} looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them the zombies were coming. She had only a few moments.
My biggest qualm is "them." There is no reason to delay or avoid telling the readers what were coming. Suspense is not achieved by withholding information.
 

Southpaw

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I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:

The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.

I'n not drawn in. I want to know who the woman is, I assume the MC, but maybe a victim, but either way I need more. Also, who is the they that are coming. The prison guards? The carnivorous snails?--though she'd probably have more than a few moments if it were snails. Anyway, it's those details that will lure into the story. I need more bang for the words so to speak.
 

JJ Litke

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I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:

The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.

I agree with Bing about the names. If we're in the woman's point of view, she knows her name and who "them" are. It creates unnecessary distance to withhold names.
 

Raindrop

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I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:

The woman needs a name looked out from between the bars I imagine she's looking out from a cell; is that correct? you could probably add some colour to that description. In the moonlight she could see them cute bunnies! coming (this is another place where you could add some description, with just a couple of well-chosen words if you want to keep it light: how are "they" coming: walking? running? ambling? You mention the moonlight, but I don't know if it's an urban setting, the desert, a forest...). She had only a few moments.

Basically, I'd just need a bit more info for this to hook me.
 

Cabbit

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Great points! I was afraid of bogging things down with too much info at the outset. Perhaps I went a bit too far. :)
Thanks for the help.
 

jcwriter

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The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.

I agree with what's been said, plus this:

"out from between" is three prepositions in a row. Kill a couple (e.g., "…gazed out the barred window of her cell" or some such);

"she could see" is a filter; go ahead and show us (e.g., "A greb of carnivorous snails, visible in the moonlight, oozed toward prison wall').
 
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leifwright

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OK. Here's another one, from another very old manuscript. There's absolutely no context here, so maybe it will be a bust, but I'm all about keeping the thread going.

Cows have a smell about them. It's really unlike any other scent in the world. I think it's probably mostly their shit, but it's not an overly shit-like smell at all.
 

neandermagnon

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Amarillo, Texas? Who was the unlucky crittee?

Ah yes, that was a classic, wasn't it? :greenie

Armarillo - sounds like armadillo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqeGxMgVOHI

:britit's a stereotype from the west country (SW England, where I live :greenie) not Texas. Actually, he's the village idiot so it's not an implication that everyone in the west country is like that. But there are certain things we can cross reference with Texas stereotypes and village idiots, like George W Bush - "A village in Texas is missing its idiot" Was that slogan on both sides of the Atlantic when Bush was president, or just the UK? Dunno if you guys have the concept of a village idiot. Suffice it to say "Amarillo, Texas" reminds me of that ad.
 

neandermagnon

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OK. Here's another one, from another very old manuscript. There's absolutely no context here, so maybe it will be a bust, but I'm all about keeping the thread going.

Cows have a smell about them. It's really unlike any other scent in the world. I think it's probably mostly their shit, but it's not an overly shit-like smell at all.

I'm reading this thinking "yes they do, they do indeed". Reminds me of my childhood holidays - parents driving somewhere in the west country with a caravan or trailer tent and setting up camp for a couple of weeks in a farmer's field that's being used as a campsite for the tourist season and spending the holiday trying not to tread in fresh cow shit while playing rounders/cricket/volleyball and/or throwing dried cow shit at each other as a game. Aaah... 80s childhood...

While mental derails are often not a terribly good start with a novel, in this case I think childhood memories of this kind of thing would increase empathy with your main characters, so I'd read on.
 

Bing Z

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OK. Here's another one, from another very old manuscript. There's absolutely no context here, so maybe it will be a bust, but I'm all about keeping the thread going.

Cows have a smell about them. It's really unlike any other scent in the world. I think it's probably mostly their shit, but it's not an overly shit-like smell at all.
Reads like an academic paper on cow dung. I think it would be more engaging if the MC gets involved in some activities with the cows first.

(I did some research eons ago on life in eastern Africa for my story and learned that cow dung is an amazing thing. Among the many uses, dried dung powder can be applied onto skin as insect repellent [as well as for rituals]. Thus I think they don't smell bad, at least not in that form.)
 
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leifwright

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Reads like an academic paper on cow dung. I think it would be more engaging if the MC gets involved in some activities with the cows first.

(I did some research eons ago on life in eastern Africa for my story and learned that cow dung is an amazing thing. Among the many uses, dried dung powder can be applied onto skin as insect repellent [as well as for rituals]. Thus I think they don't smell bad.)

It's also a perfectly acceptable fuel for fires!

neandermagnon said:
While mental derails are often not a terribly good start with a novel, in this case I think childhood memories of this kind of thing would increase empathy with your main characters, so I'd read on.

Cows are thicker than people around here, so it's really part of the ethos of the place.

My MC has found himself with an unexpected surplus of time, so he's ruminating about the poo of ruminants in the beginning of the story, and it gives the reader insight into his character: he sees everything in a left-turn kind of irony, especially in the midst of things going awry.

I find that kind of thing hits close to home for me. I had a car wreck once where I remember thinking "I guess all my bragging about being a good driver is going to come back to haunt me" as the truck was careening toward a fire hydrant and a parked SUV. My character has that same kind of sensibility, and that's what's happening in this first several sentences.
 

neandermagnon

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I'll take the leap; here goes nothing! The first three sentences of my current WIP:

The woman looked out from between the bars. In the moonlight she could see them coming. She had only a few moments.

You need to give her a name. You also need to say what "them" is. Here we have a nameless protagonist and a nameless threat. Them could be anything from her friends to alien invaders. "She had only a few moments" adds a little tension, but it could be anything from her friends coming to visit so she only has a few moments to get ready, or executioners coming to take her to be killed and she only has a few moments to live. While "bars" hints that she's in jail, there are other reasons there could be bars on windows - secure hospital, safety bars fitted by overprotective parents (the ones that stop kids falling out of windows, not to keep the child locked up), etc. if you replace "them" with who or what's coming, then this would increase the tension a lot. There's potentially enough intrigue in this that you don't need to be coy about saying who she is or who's threatening her. At the moment the field of possibilities is too wide, so it lacks tension because she could just be waiting for her friends to come and visit her - you know, the sneaking round at midnight kind of kids' shenanegans.
 
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