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"The road to hell is paved with adverbs" ~Stephen King~
WIP YA Paranormal/Urban Fantasy
RIP Stuart McLean your stories from the vinyl cafe brought me many smiles, laughs and tears the world has lost a great author and narrator
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them--Matthew 7:12
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.--Johann Wolfgang Goethe
I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.--Vincent Van Gogh
Overall, I'd keep reading.
I don't think it's an issue that I don't know the whole situation yet. It's clear so far what's going on. I'm assuming that she's fallen asleep while studying. If sentence 4 tells me there's more to it than that then great . You don't need to set the entire scene in three lines. What you have there is clear and I know what's going on. If you feel it's taking too long to get to the important story information (i.e. you really feel that and not just because of this game) then consider whether you could remove the first sentence and if there's any information in the first sentence that is vital, maybe try to insert it in one of the others (e.g. "Hanna is sleeping softly in her room in (university name) halls" (or the USA equivalent, or something like that) rather than describing her breathing). However, only do that if it's something you feel generally about the opening, not just for this game. I would read the 4th sentence if this was a book on a shelf in the bookshop.
Last edited by neandermagnon; 03-21-2017 at 11:11 AM.
Last edited by BethS; 03-21-2017 at 12:54 PM.
[QUOTE=Jan74;10129851]Its blue-white light pulses, well I'm curious now... what is "its" an alien, a ghost maybe or is its the computer? So yes I would read on.
Thank you for the encouragement. The blue-white light is the computer screen. The three sentences are all about contrasts.
Can you explain what you meant by it being "passive"? It's not written in passive voice, if that's what you meant. It uses the progressive tense to show that the character was in the act of settling onto her stool when the phone rang. So there are two actions occurring at the same time in that sentence.
The first sentence hooked me when I learned he was washing blood off his hands, and the second and third provided context that would keep me reading.
And I do remember something of the earlier versions. Welcome back.
Last edited by BethS; 03-21-2017 at 01:13 PM.
Last edited by BethS; 03-21-2017 at 01:21 PM.
Last edited by BethS; 03-21-2017 at 03:03 PM.
I'm not one to shy away from using adjectives and adverbs when they enhance the writing, but in this case, I think you have too many. For one thing, it sets up an undesirable, sing-songy rhythm if you're always pairing the adjectives: still dark, gray concrete, blue white, long brown. We probably don't need to know how Hannah is sleeping, only that she is. Night is always some form of dark and is often still, and I don't know why we need that information anyway. Concrete is usually gray, so that's another unnecessary descriptor.
OK, so on to the content. This is omniscient voice and pure description. Nothing wrong with either one, but if this is going to involve Hannah waking up in the next sentence or three, then that could be a problem, as the waking-up opening is probably the most common opening employed by unpublished writers. That's not to say you can't ever do it--and certainly published writers have--but it's got to be different and compelling.
Anyway, the overwriting in this one would not entice me to keep reading, and the fact that the character is asleep is another mark against it. Would happily look at a revision, though, if you decide to do one.
Last edited by BethS; 03-21-2017 at 03:05 PM.
Last edited by BethS; 03-21-2017 at 01:59 PM.