Getting readers connected to characters

Not sure if I need to make a new thread for this. But how do you get that connection and relatability in the Prologue of a thriller?

My MC is a teen girl who is woken up and asked to hide in the middle of home invasion. She is scared obviously. What I'm being told by beta readers is that they can't feel an emotional connection. It's the first 6 pages.

I tried adding internal dialogue but it looked ridiculous to me. I mean, there are some VERY BAD PEOPLE in her home attacking her family and she's been told to hide. To me, it isn't logical to muse on what will happen to her life and future in the span of those 15 minutes.

I think I just don't get how it is done. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

EDIT - Just saw that it is under 'Writing for kids'. Mine isn't a kids' book, btw

josephperin said:

Not sure if I need to make a new thread for this. But how do you get that connection and relatability in the Prologue of a thriller?

My MC is a teen girl who is woken up and asked to hide in the middle of home invasion. She is scared obviously. What I'm being told by beta readers is that they can't feel an emotional connection. It's the first 6 pages.

I think I just don't get how it is done. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

EDIT - Just saw that it is under 'Writing for kids'. Mine isn't a kids' book, btw

Click to expand...

Well, not all betas are always right, but if multiple people are telling you this, it's definitely something to think about.

I'm thinking maybe you started the action too early? It sounds like an "in media res" kind of beginning (the kind where you throw the readers into the middle of the action immediately), which can be exciting for some readers, but disorienting or distant for other readers.

One problem with starting the action oh-so-fast is that, some readers may not feel anything for the character in the situation--because they haven't had a chance to really meet or emotionally bond with the character yet! The character is a stranger to the readers in the beginning, after all.

Another reason could be that the character is not written well enough so that the readers could see/feel her emotions as she deals with the invasion.

Maybe you're not showing how scary the situation really is?

Maybe the situation is not written well enough to show the stress of such a situation?

Or maybe your character is acting waaaay too calmly for someone, especially a teen or younger, in this kind of situation?

You say this is a prologue? Is this character going to the be same character in three main story? Is the home invasion immediately relevant to the story (and not some waaaay future event)?

josephperin said:

I tried adding internal dialogue but it looked ridiculous to me. I mean, there are some VERY BAD PEOPLE in her home attacking her family and she's been told to hide. To me, it isn't logical to muse on what will happen to her life and future in the span of those 15 minutes.

Click to expand...

I don't know your character's personality, so I wouldn't know how she would react to a situation. People can react differently. Some try to stay calm, while others freeze up, and others are having a full-on panic attack (but try to stay quiet or find the farthest place to hide), and yet others may want to fight off the threat, etc.

1) Sometimes, people react to situations in different ways. (Like how some people would have sex in stressful situations to calm down, while for others, sex is off the table until the stressful situation subsides, etc.)

2) You may also need to show us she's nervous/scared/stressed. For example, her hands could be shaking as she tries to text her mother on the phone while hiding in the closet. Her chest could be hurting from trying not to breathe as the invaders get close to the closet. She's biting her lip so hard it hurts (same with clenching fists, etc).

She could be having anxious thoughts as she's doing stuff, like: Please, please, don't kill me; Where's mom [relative; baby or younger relative]?; Damn phone--please don't ring!; Oh, God, oh, God, please, please, let me live through this!; Oh, why did I do [action]!; I wish I was with my boyfriend right now!; etc.

She could also be desperately thinking of how to escape the situation. Or she can be anticipating and speculating about what the invaders may do to her if they find her. She could anxiously be thinking about the reasons why they were in their house. She could be trying to mentally will them away (like thinking, Go away, go away, you fuckin' *******, etc).

ETA: Maybe you started the action too soon? Maybe you need to show a little bit of normalcy or a little bit of what she was doing before the invasion?

Ok. I've no idea what happened to the reply I made before.

But thx, bunnygypsy. That second post gave me something to work on.

Feeling more hopeful now.

I'm glad to help if it got you motivated to keep working on your project.

Good luck with it! As I'm finding out myself, that persistence (and lots of editing, lol) is key when it comes to writing (or any kind of creative project in life).