QUILTBAG general thread?

auzerais · Feb 24, 2017

DancingMaenid said:
Cruel, definitely. But even well-meaning family could make the wrong call in a situation like this if they didn't understand the importance of HRT to their trans relative, didn't understand the implications of stopping hormones, or got bad advice from a biased doctor. It's a good idea to make sure your next of kin is not only supportive of your identity but really understands what you would want and what transitioning means to you.

This!

Remember, too, that if you ever are in a coma, that is going to be an extremely stressful time for your loved ones. Well-meaning people under stress don't always make the right decisions, no matter how much they love you, no matter how much they want to honor your wishes. Their big focus is going to be on you making it through alive. Everything else is gravy to them.

So make it easy on people. Talk to your next of kin now, while you're not in a coma. Be explicit about what's important to you. Write it down. Consider having an advanced healthcare directive drawn up. When my friend signed the POA papers we had a very explicit conversation about what was important to him. We talked about his death. We talked about him being in pain. We talked about whether or not I should contact his completely unsupportive parents. I do not rate this conversation as the most fun conversation I've ever had in my life, but it remains one of the most important. He told me things I would not have guessed right -- and we had known each other for a decade at that point. He was very vigilant about telling his doctors that I had POA, too. He was very vigilant about putting my name down on forms as his next of kin. He didn't want there to be any question of who was in charge if he could not be.

KTC · Feb 24, 2017

I'm going on the premise of I don't really understand the meaning of well meaning kin. So, I'm kind of biased.

kuwisdelu · Feb 25, 2017

I finally got to see my ex again and we were able to talk for a bit. I'm feeling both better and worse. I know why we can't be together again now so it makes it easier to move on at least. But now I'm worried I might become one of those lesbians who's afraid of dating bi girls now that I've been burned by it.

Same old story. After I fell in love with her, she figured out she's straighter than she thought she was.

kuwisdelu · Feb 25, 2017

PS no I won't actually become a biphobic mess because of this but it's fucking with me a little.

kuwisdelu · Feb 25, 2017

Though there is an equally frustrating and validating irony in being broken up with because I'm a girl.

Simpson17866 · Feb 25, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
I finally got to see my ex again and we were able to talk for a bit. I'm feeling both better and worse. I know why we can't be together again now so it makes it easier to move on at least. But now I'm worried I might become one of those lesbians who's afraid of dating bi girls now that I've been burned by it.

Same old story. After I fell in love with her, she figured out she's straighter than she thought she was.

kuwisdelu said:
PS no I won't actually become a biphobic mess because of this but it's fucking with me a little.

Ouch

kuwisdelu said:
Though there is an equally frustrating and validating irony in being broken up with because I'm a girl.

Yay?

kuwisdelu · Feb 25, 2017

Simpson17866 said:
Ouch

Well I guess I can't be feeling too burned by it since I just messaged a bi girl on okcupid. :tongue

Simpson17866 · Feb 25, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
Well I guess I can't be feeling too burned by it since I just messaged a bi girl on okcupid.

Good luck

edutton · Feb 27, 2017

Kuwi, hope the messaging goes well!

Y'all, I just read Austin Chant's PETER DARLING (own voice trans Peter Pan reimagining), and it was so good! Lots of feels.

kuwisdelu · Mar 2, 2017

I think my main character doesn't know if she's gay or bisexual, and I think I'm going to keep it that way.

Jade Rothwell · Mar 4, 2017

KTC said:
I'm going on the premise of I don't really understand the meaning of well meaning kin. So, I'm kind of biased.

Yeah... my parents aren't bad compared to some of my friends' parents, but after a convo today...

kuwisdelu said:
Well I guess I can't be feeling too burned by it since I just messaged a bi girl on okcupid.

Awesome! Don't let one break up deter you

EDIT: (wow it didn't post the rest of my sentence. Thanks computer)

ManInBlack · Mar 5, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
I think my main character doesn't know if she's gay or bisexual, and I think I'm going to keep it that way.

I recently wrote a scene featuring a recently transitioned trans girl who had been questioning pre-transition trying to figure out about now. Unfortunately this distracted from a more important plot (a reader thought she was being discriminated against for being gay, which only she "knows", and as a result missed the subtle hints about her being trans).

I may need to make that more obvious, but I never wanted that to be THE defining feature of her identity. The story is forcing it to be, though.

kuwisdelu · Mar 5, 2017

ManInBlack said:
I recently wrote a see featuring a recently transitioned trans girl who was questioning pre-transition trying to make a decision about now. Unfortunately this distracted from a more important plot (a reader thought she was being discriminated against for being gay, which only she "knows", and as a result missed the subtle hints about her being trans.

I may need to make that more obvious, but I never wanted that to be THE defining feature of her identity. The story is forcing it to be, though.

IME, one should be explicit about a character's minority identities, or many readers will assume a cis-het white default for most characters even when there are hints otherwise.

AW Admin · Mar 5, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
Subtlety never works on the cis.

You know that's about as acceptable as making hostile comments about queers.

Not acceptable.

Please don't do this. It's not up for discussion, rebuttal or rationalizing.

Jade Rothwell · Mar 26, 2017

life update: going through a really rough time mental health wise, but my friends and fiancee are being absolute saints and helping me. also seeking help from a really good youth organization that's pretty diverse. they even ask pronouns on the paperwork and when you join a peer group.

how's everyone else doing?

edutton · Mar 27, 2017

Normally I'd post this in Paying Markets, but I thought given the specialized nature of these calls that it might go better here... Lethe Press currently has open calls for submission for a trans* fiction anthology and a lesbian fiction anthology. (Submitted works must have been published in 2016.)

kuwisdelu · Mar 28, 2017

Jade A said:
life update: going through a really rough time mental health wise, but my friends and fiancee are being absolute saints and helping me. also seeking help from a really good youth organization that's pretty diverse. they even ask pronouns on the paperwork and when you join a peer group.

how's everyone else doing?

I'm glad you're getting support.

Things have been stressful for me lately, but not without sources of happiness and hope.

I'm back together with the ex who broke up with me last month. I didn't want to let myself believe it while we were apart, but the truth was as I had suspected: she got scared when things got too serious. It's probably kind of cliche, but "gets scared by love and runs away" is so totally my type, and I can sometimes be an emotional masochist about it. We're working on how we can be together in a way where we both feel safe and secure, though.

I'm really glad we're back together, because I had a dissociative episode two nights ago, and she was there to talk me through it, and she was really, really helpful and supportive. She has a lot of experience with that kind of thing, so she knew exactly how to take care of me. It was scary, and I didn't expect it at all, and I'm still processing what happened, and the fact that I guess I actually do have some unprocessed trauma to deal with...

...I should really get a therapist, huh?

Yesterday, I had to leave work in tears, because one of the only other Native postdocs at the university keeps accidentally misgendering me.

Simpson17866 · Mar 28, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
I'm back together with the ex who broke up with me last month.

Aww

I'm really glad we're back together, because I had a dissociative episode two nights ago, and she was there to talk me through it, and she was really, really helpful and supportive. She has a lot of experience with that kind of thing, so she knew exactly how to take care of me. It was scary, and I didn't expect it at all, and I'm still processing what happened, and the fact that I guess I actually do have some unprocessed trauma to deal with...

...I should really get a therapist, huh?

Yesterday, I had to leave work in tears, because one of the only other Native postdocs at the university keeps accidentally misgendering me.

Aww

Therapist sounds like a very good idea, yes.

edutton · Mar 28, 2017

Jade and Kuwi,
I'm sorry things are rough, but really glad to hear you're getting at least some of the support you need! Kuwi, does the school have a counseling service you could access?

kuwisdelu · Mar 28, 2017

edutton said:
I'm sorry things are rough, but really glad to hear you're getting at least some of the support you need!

For me, things are really better than I probably made them sound. I'm really happy we're back together, and I feel like we can face anything with each other, and she's going to try to be more honest about her relationship fears instead of running away. But even if she does run away again, I feel like we can survive that, too.

And I feel kind of relieved, honestly, now that I actually know I have some trauma? Even though part of me still feels really weird and kind of guilty about claiming that word?

It helps me to be able to name things and understand them better, even though sometimes it's also scary.

Kuwi, does the school have a counseling service you could access?

I'm a postdoc, not a student, so not for me.

I have health insurance though, and I know the clinic where I go has psychological services. But I think there's a waiting list, and I've just been lazy about trying to get a therapist there.

My last therapist wasn't so helpful apart from helping me get hormones, but she was also still in training (she was really nice though!), and I was too happy about getting hormones to feel like I had anything to deal with besides my mom not being supportive. But it's been a year since I got on hormones, and I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to have to deal with all the things transition didn't magically fix.

edutton · Mar 28, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
For me, things are really better than I probably made them sound. I'm really happy we're back together, and I feel like we can face anything with each other, and she's going to try to be more honest about her relationship fears instead of running away. But even if she does run away again, I feel like we can survive that, too.

And I feel kind of relieved, honestly, now that I actually know I have some trauma? Even though part of me still feels really weird and kind of guilty about claiming that word?

I get that. Looking around at the world, it's easy to tell ourselves other people have it so much worse that our problems aren't really problems (cue Casablanca voice-over)... but in the end all that does is get in the way of doing what we need to do to get help and get better.

It helps me to be able to name things and understand them better, even though sometimes it's also scary.

Absolutely.

kuwisdelu · Mar 28, 2017

edutton said:
I get that. Looking around at the world, it's easy to tell ourselves other people have it so much worse that our problems aren't really problems (cue Casablanca voice-over)... but in the end all that does is get in the way of doing what we need to do to get help and get better.

Definitely. Afterward, I was telling her how I was scared it hadn't been real, and I was afraid she'd think I'd faked it all, and she told me that was really normal, and she reacted the same way. And I told her how I was afraid of claiming this as mine. And she told me, "Babe, you're a queer trans woman of color on the autism spectrum who spent several years in an abusive relationship. There's no way you don't have trauma."

It sucks that we so often feel like we have to prove we're in pain for it to be valid.

DancingMaenid · Mar 28, 2017

Finding a therapist is tough, especially since it's something where a good fit is really important and you may need to make a regular commitment for it to work well.

Most of the therapists in my city don't take insurance, and I know that in some cases I could try to get reimbursed by my insurance company myself, but it still creates another barrier where it's easier not to pursue it. And honestly, trying to fit therapy into my schedule right now feels too daunting.

I'm trying to work up the courage to re-learn how to drive. I found a driving school I'd like to try. It's just been so long. I'm scared I wouldn't even remember how to make the car go! But being able to drive would give me a lot more freedom with regards to medical appointments and therapy.

I'm still going through a bit of a rough time with dysphoria.

edutton · Mar 28, 2017

kuwisdelu said:
It sucks that we so often feel like we have to prove we're in pain for it to be valid.

Especially to ourselves.

edutton · Mar 28, 2017

DancingMaenid said:
I'm trying to work up the courage to re-learn how to drive. I found a driving school I'd like to try. It's just been so long. I'm scared I wouldn't even remember how to make the car go! But being able to drive would give me a lot more freedom with regards to medical appointments and therapy.

Good on you! If you used to drive, then the basics are still there in muscle memory - it will just take a bit of dredging up to bring it back into "active state."

I'm still going through a bit of a rough time with dysphoria.

QUILTBAG general thread?

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