QUILTBAG general thread?

With regards to the term "homophobia," while "phobia" is most commonly associated with "fear" in an everyday context, it's actually a Greek/Latin word referring to fear, dislike, or aversion. It's a common suffix in science. For example, in biology, something that is hydrophobic doesn't dissolve in water.

There's nothing inaccurate about "homophobia," "transphobia," etc. You can have an aversion or dislike without being afraid.

DancingMaenid said:

With regards to the term "homophobia," while "phobia" is most commonly associated with "fear" in an everyday context, it's actually a Greek/Latin word referring to fear, dislike, or aversion. It's a common suffix in science. For example, in biology, something that is hydrophobic doesn't dissolve in water.

There's nothing inaccurate about "homophobia," "transphobia," etc. You can have an aversion or dislike without being afraid.

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True. What I was talking about is more the perception of what 'phobia' means to most people. It is commonly associated with fear, because that's the word we literally use to mean fear of something, so that's the connection that most people's minds make, which is what makes it a deceptive term. I guess I shouldn't have said that the etymology is questionable, the etymology is actually perfectly fine, it's more about what we've come to associate with the word or the suffix 'phobia'. The word does mean precisely what its origin suggests. It's just that a lot of people wouldn't know that because of how our perception of the meaning of the word 'phobia' has evolved.
I've seen think pieces on how we shouldn't call hatred of gay people 'homophobia', because it has nothing to do with fear. I've seen people claim they aren't homophobic, because they aren't scared of gay people, they just hate them. And I was primarily addressing an earlier comment that claimed that true homophobia is fear of being seen as gay, which I don't believe to be true (or rather, that's not all there is to it). Most people don't really know the origin of the word, they only know what it's commonly associated with, and in most cases that's what will count.

So, I just discovered that despite being wicked busy with work I'm writing a gay werewolf story.

Interesting...

I just realized that my lesbian MC is the Straight Man of her group.

ManInBlack said:

So, is anybody here seeing Stephen Colbert's "Trump is only good for sucking Putin's dick" comment as homophobic? I just ask because I don't want to speak for a community that I'm not really a part of, and I don't want to write it off as "no one is offended" if I'm not actually looking for it.

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I feel uncomfortable when guys around me use the that tack to insult each other. I work with some guys who talk like this, and I come from a household where I was one of 4 boys...growing up, it was often a go to insult...to call each other this, or to infer that you like it, etc, etc, etc. But mostly...I just ignore it. I notice that none of the guys around me who throw these 'insults' at each other EVER EVER say it to me. Sometimes, I swear I even see that moment of recognition when they say it to each other and then realize that I'm in their company...and I see a moment of guilt cross over their faces. Like OOPS, I guess I shouldn't have said that. Guys...I don't want to dismiss their propensity for inappropriate behaviour, but I'm so used to it. If I don't allow it to go in one ear and out the other...I'd be hurt too often.

Underdawg47 said:

If we want these words and phrases rooted in bigotry to lose their intended punch, I think we need to not act offended when comedians, friends, family, etc use those terms. Part of this is involves being out and open with ones sexuality to those who would use these terms in your presence.

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I can't even pretend to get behind this. Maybe I come from a different generation that can't possibly grasp this idea. I heard FAG and FAGGOT all my life from a very young age all the way up through high school and beyond. In high school, it often came with punches and kicks. There are some words that will never lose their velocity...nor should they, imho. There are words that should be buried. I would rather see words of hate unused than morphed into flowers...because they will never be flowers to all people. This is a tremendously bad ideas. Words carry a strength...sometimes that strength is a negative force. I don't believe in lessening the force...I only believe in killing the words.

I'm not sure how I would feel about it now if I had been called by a word that correctly denoted me (or at least my Difference) as their way of being derisive and hostile and dismissive of me. Well, I guess in a way I do: I was called "fag" and "queer" with contempt and hate before I knew what the words meant. But I was soon enough aware of their meaning. And it was something else, in my case. I was gender-variant but technically, using THEIR definitions, as a male-bodied person whose attraction was to female-bodied people, I wasn't what they were calling me.

By the time I was a young adult and really trying to come to terms with it, I was getting jealous of people who had their identity yelled at them like it was an insult. At least they had a word for how they were. I figured if I couldn't be accepted and loved for who I was, it would still be better to be hated and reviled for who I was than to be erased as if people like me weren't allowed to exist. Especially since I was getting the hated-and-reviled experience with someone else's identity attached to it.

(Also, calling me some other categorical name split me away from any sense of identity-in-common with the guys who were gay. I had to come to an understanding of myself before I realized we were in the same boat and that, reciprocally, gay guys were considered to be feminine sissies and those who weren't often didn't like THAT mislabeling either)

Underdawg47 said:

I would like to see words like faggot, fag, sissy, queer, pansy, etc lose that negative hurtful power that it holds over us as well. I still cringe when I hear someone being called these words in a hurtful manner. I think the negative power of such words can be changed and disarmed by the way we as a society react to hearing these words. These words will never go away, but how we react to them can change. If we want these words and phrases rooted in bigotry to lose their intended punch, I think we need to not act offended when comedians, friends, family, etc use those terms. Part of this is involves being out and open with ones sexuality to those who would use these terms in your presence.

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I don't allow other people to dictate my language. I don't dictate theirs. But I will point out when people are misusing language in ways meant to be demeaning. I will make them look like the ignorant asshats they are.

Moreover, their use of words like fag (offensive language) and dyke (offensive slang) are socially unacceptable; it's not merely my tender feels. Language experts agree with me.

Intent in terms of language makes a difference. If it's an honest error (straight people may think it's OK if they've heard non-straight people self-identify as fag or dyke), people of good will want to know that they are being offensive and or hurtful. If it's meant as a slur, people need to know that they're ignorant asses.

I don't refer to out and proud friends who object to queer as queer. I just don't. I am careful about language especially around non-straight people who are older who have had those words that we've partially reclaimed used as weapons against them. I don't wish to cause pain or distress. That's being a courteous adult.

Underdawg47 said:

I also believe that political correctness does not diffuse derogatory words or bigotry, it just drives them underground where they fester below the surface. I think political correctness is like walking on egg shells where certain words become so taboo that everyone and anyone can be easily offended. I think it is best to embrace these words and phrases and redirect them in such a way as to deprive them of their negative punch, but that is just my opinion.

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Did you skip the sticky?

MacAllister said:

Because mostly, I just don't buy any of those ridiculously thin and patently offensive "gosh, how was I supposed to know people would take offense" or "You're just being too thin-skinned" or "I just don't believe in being all PC, I'm gonna call 'em like I see 'em" or "geez, lighten up! It was a joke!" defenses. I think they're bullshit, and I think the people who defend themselves that way know perfectly well that it's bullshit.

Don't do it here. Just don't.

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KTC said:

I can't even pretend to get behind this. Maybe I come from a different generation that can't possibly grasp this idea. I heard FAG and FAGGOT all my life from a very young age all the way up through high school and beyond. In high school, it often came with punches and kicks. There are some words that will never lose their velocity...nor should they, imho. There are words that should be buried. I would rather see words of hate unused than morphed into flowers...because they will never be flowers to all people. This is a tremendously bad ideas. Words carry a strength...sometimes that strength is a negative force. I don't believe in lessening the force...I only believe in killing the words.

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I come from an older generation where these words were used to keep people hidden in the closet. They are horrible words used with the sole intent to hurt someone. I am not suggesting people use these words in that way. I am just saying that when I am called these words by someone with the intent to harm me, I simply say, Yes I am a faggot, a fag, queer or whatever the term you want to use to call a homosexual and I am quite happy to be a homosexual. I let them know that if they have a problem with it then it is their problem and not mine. It is my response to those words that determines the negative punch. That person might still attempt to beat me up, but the effectiveness of that person using those words against me will diminish.

Perhaps I developed a thick skin from being on political forums where angry conservatives would use these words all the time. But eventually it came down to me and what I allowed myself to be offended by.

I don't think words like this die, they just go into hiding. I think someday that people will look back at homosexuality and wonder what all the fuss was about. It doubt that it will happen anytime soon, but I never thought I would see gay marriage legal in my lifetime or gays openly serving in the military.

Underdawg47 said:

{So, ;tldr, Colbert probably didn't mean it as homophobic, but I do think it is homophobic in nature and perpetuates homophobic mindsets. His apology was pathetic. He apologized for the words he used rather than the implications he made, and while I don't exactly expect comedians to be politically correct, I don't think someone should call themselves an ally, but then continue to make jokes rooted in bigotry.}

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This is interesting because it is similar to blacks using the N-word. Some blacks who use the word claim it is used as a term of endearment towards one another, yet when someone outside the race uses it, it is racist.

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I don't see any similarity at all.

Some Blacks who use the word "nigger" may claim it is used as a term of endearment, but they do so by calling a buddy, "My nigga" and misspell the word.

That's a chickenshit weasel way to get around a troublesome word and here's the thing about calling someone "My Nigga." Anyone can be yo' Nigga.

Or to put it another way, it's not limited to Black folks.

I'm going to assume that every white person has said "nigga" at least once in their life. Respect to those who haven't—even when singing along to rap music by themselves—but it seems like they account for an extremely small percentage of the population. I don't know how to feel about this. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that word anymore. My gut tells me that I should be offended every time a non-black person uses it, but as much as I hate to say it, I'm not. That's not some Uncle Tom shit either. It's just a waste of time to be up in arms over a single word every other day. I don't give a fuck if Justin Bieber said "nigga" in a joke when he was 15. It happens. Welcome to planet Earth.

Obviously, whites who use the word with malicious intent are liable to get cursed out or hit in the face, but those people would probably say "nigger" before they said "nigga" and they're not who I'm talking about anyway. Fact is, there is a difference between both words and only with the latter are lines blurred on the acceptableness of use by non-blacks. Yeah, it'd be great if no white person ever said "nigga," but that's unrealistic, and part of the blame falls to black people. We made the word cool. We use it incessantly in the most popular music. We took away its racist connotations so effectively that it's gotten to the point where some white people call each other "nigga" as a term of endearment.

It's all about context. Despite the fact that I was okay with, like, 15,000 white people yelling "nigga" around me at a concert, it was only a few months before that I punched a white boy in his mouth for doing the same thing at a party. This kid kept trying to get my attention in what appeared to be a benign manner. I'd be at the keg and he'd come up to me like, "Ernest, when you get a second, I have a question to ask you." Finally, he goes, "Don't get offended, serious question, I'm only curious. What's the difference between a 'nigga' and a 'nigger'?" He was being a smartass and, not even seconds later, regretted asking me that question.


I'm sometimes left with a feeling of regret if I let a white person say "nigga" in front of me and don't check them. I'll say, "Don't say that shit around me," 95% of the time and it used to be that other 5% when I didn't speak up would haunt me. But lately, more and more, I'm beginning to feel like it doesn't matter. I guess enough rap concerts will do that to you.

I try not to be egregious with my own use of the word—black people who call all of their white friends "nigga" are the corniest motherfuckers in the world—and, honestly, the same goes for calling other black people "nigga" all of the time like it's some kind of superpower. Of course I'm glad that I don’t have to edit myself when rap music is playing and sometimes there's nothing more profound than being able to tell a homie, "You're a real nigga," but I'll never go out of my way to make white people feel like "nigga" is a word that's totally acceptable.

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I agree and disagree with quite a bit with what Mr. Baker wrote and if I should ever meet the gentleman, I'll buy him a beer and we can chop it up. What I won't do is call him "nigga." I'll never go out my way to make White people, Black people, gay people or people period feel like "nigga" is a word that's totally acceptable.

You already know "nigger" isn't and I got zero fucks to give how much hipster White boys hangin' with the homies like Quentin Tarantino thinks it is.

Underdawg said:

I am under the personal belief that we as a society give words and phrases both positive and negative power depending upon how we react to traditional derogatory terms and insults. Take for instance the word "bastard." In the olden days being called a bastard was a very derogatory term. It was specifically used to denigrate someone who's parents conceived you out of wedlock. It meant that you weren't legally an heir to an inheritance, or perhaps it meant that you weren't legally your father's child. Today this term holds very little power as far as a specific insult.

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How do you figure that? Because you're not specifically insulted?

Underdawg47 said:

I would like to see words like faggot, fag, sissy, queer, pansy, etc lose that negative hurtful power that it holds over us as well. I still cringe when I hear someone being called these words in a hurtful manner. I think the negative power of such words can be changed and disarmed by the way we as a society react to hearing these words. These words will never go away, but how we react to them can change. If we want these words and phrases rooted in bigotry to lose their intended punch, I think we need to not act offended when comedians, friends, family, etc use those terms. Part of this is involves being out and open with ones sexuality to those who would use these terms in your presence.

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You can be as out and open as you want, but if you're a teenager in high school struggling with coming out, being called a faggot, fag, sissy, queer, pansy and more isn't going to make that struggle any easier.

A little adversity can build character. A lot of adversity can overwhelm it. I don't want to give a green light to the bigots by humming, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Bull. Words do hurt and in this age of anti-social social media, words have actually killed.

Words fade in and out of the vernacular. Acting as if some moron snarling "faggot" or "dyke" doesn't carry a sharp barb is simply ignoring those being wounded by them. I don't want to change how disgusting I find those epithets. The problem is not on my end. I want to change those ignorant enough to use them as epithets.

Underdawg47 said:

I also believe that political correctness does not diffuse derogatory words or bigotry, it just drives them underground where they fester below the surface. I think political correctness is like walking on egg shells where certain words become so taboo that everyone and anyone can be easily offended. I think it is best to embrace these words and phrases and redirect them in such a way as to deprive them of their negative punch, but that is just my opinion.

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That's an opinion I couldn't disagree with more.

I'm not embracing "nigger" OR "nigga" and it ain't political correctness for me to tell you don't call me either of those slurs. It's simple decency and politeness.

If that's being "political correct," that's too bad. I'm not going to pretend I'm not being offended when someone is spitting right in my face. The issue here is not that I'm wrong because I'm allowing you to offend me. The issue here is you're being ignorant and you think you're allowed to.

The best way to get rid of an ugly word is stop using it, stop trying to justify its use, and stop being ugly.

Underdawg47 said:

Perhaps I developed a thick skin from being on political forums where angry conservatives would use these words all the time. But eventually it came down to me and what I allowed myself to be offended by.

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I congratulate you on having grown thick skin, but just because you're able to to not "allow" yourself to be hurt by insults, that doesn't mean everyone can actually do that. And people who can't aren't somehow weaker. They're just different from you.
I assure you, plenty of us have been on political forums, plenty of us have been surrounded by bigots, plenty of us have lived or are living in terrible places and have experienced terrible things.
Some of us have grown thick skin, others have not. Even if I were immune to insults, that would not make them any less insulting, because I'm not the only person whose feelings are relevant. I might not be hurt by certain words, but plenty of other people are, and I have no intention of telling them to just let it roll off their backs, because many people cannot do that. Perhaps because of who they are, how their minds work, or perhaps because their experiences have not given them thick skin, but rather trauma that is now brought back every time someone throws a slur at them.
Some of us haven't had the time to grow thick skin yet, and frankly, I find it very wrong that we have to do that, that we have to grow thick skin when people insult us, instead of them learning not to insult us in the first place.
Yes, someday things outside the cishet won't be a big deal anymore, if the human race lives that long, but it won't be in our lifetimes, and it probably won't be because we schooled ourselves into not letting insults hurt us instead of calling bigots out on their shit.

I'm so glad others have echoed my feelings here. Even now that my family and friends have come to terms with who I am, I still live in that shadow of doubt. My family's turnabout, especially, is troublesome for me. I feel like I lost a lifetime with them. When I was a teenager getting beat up at school every day and being called a faggot and a freak and a homo and queer, it really hurt. It hurt a lot. I had already, by that point, somehow developed the ability to not feel much physical pain. I once went an entire day with a broken arm, because I didn't want to say anything to anyone...because I was a nobody. That was Grade 7. The hurt I mentioned was mostly the words. Especially FAGGOT, but also all the other ones, to lesser extents. What hurt more than shitholes at school calling me these names was the fact I didn't have a safeplace. When I got home, I got called the same names. By my brothers, by my father...and mostly only when she was super mad, by my mother. I literally lost a lifetime. It was only last year when my mom was dying that I was summoned and it was suggested it would be okay for me to visit them along with the rest of my brothers. There were no apologies, really, not from any of them. There was just this THAT WAS THEN THIS IS NOW bullshit. Now I'm supposed to put it all behind me, step back into the family and have everything be hunky-dory. I've been struggling so much lately with this. They want to include me, they want to erase the past. I find it easier to erase the physical abuse I received from my parents than the emotional abuse. She's dead, now. She apologized more than anyone else. Then again, she had more to apologize for. When I feel obligated to attend these get-togethers now, I still see my father sitting at the dining room table in my 16th year with a newspaper in front of him expertly blocking his view of me, calling me a fucking faggot because he didn't like the way I dressed or how I looked. The newspaper was his way of avoiding catching a glimpse. One of my teachers used the exact same idea...only he conducted his class holding up a binder to avoid looking at me. He also called me names. He didn't use Fag or Faggot. He used Nancy. And tried to get the students to call me that, too. It was a huge big joke. I laughed.

Yes. sticks and stones kinda hurt...but not really.

I think there can be some value in being angry or hurt and letting people know it. There's a lot of pressure to "take a joke" or dismiss people who hurt you as just being bullies or trolls, but I think this can give the bullies permission to a degree. If it's no big deal, then the people who get upset are just being "too sensitive." It cushions the bullies from taking responsibility.

And at a milder level, people can become complacent in their prejudice if there are never any repercussions for it. These are the "Oh, my gay friends respect that I don't believe in gay marriage, and we agree to disagree" people, and the "My MTF friend is okay with the fact that I don't see him as a woman" people.

Of course, the opposite can also be true. Some bullies really do know exactly what they're doing and want to see their victims suffer, and not letting them see you sweat can be a great defense. But I think there are ways to do that while still taking the bullying seriously.

But this is all from the perspective of how to effectively fight back. In reality, our reactions aren't always that calculated. It's​ a hard burden to have to respond to your own harassment or discrimination in a constructive manner, especially when you're judged by your effectiveness. Sometimes people are just angry or hurt and can't help it. Sometimes people don't feel that affected, and that's valid, too. I can see why some people find it more empowering to act nonchalant in the face of bigotry. But I disagree with the idea that there's an ideal way to feel and react.

What kuwisdelu, demiurge, KTC and DancingMaenid have said I agree with completely. What it comes down to is what a wise and great woman once said:

No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt, perhaps the greatest of First Ladies and quite likely a closeted lesbian, worked tirelessly to make this world a better one than she found it.

Eleanor was right, you know. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. YOUR consent. Don't give it. You are special and you are unique. Revel in it and celebrate it. Never let anyone tell otherwise.

I have mixed feelings on the whole "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" idea, because I think people often take it to mean that it doesn't matter what people around you are saying or doing, so long as you yourself know your worth. And, more importantly I think, it makes some people believe that if someone is getting hurt by insults and bigotry, then it's their own fault. They are allowing themselves to be hurt, so it's really on them, not on those who are hurting them.
And I mean, it's lovely to wave our flags now and talk about how well we understand our specialness and uniqueness, but not everyone has that privilege. The teenaged me didn't have internet, didn't have representation, didn't have anyone who would tell me that being bullied, being hated was not okay. I was conditioned, brainwashed, and gaslighted. I didn't want to feel inferior, but I was made to. So was it my fault? Was I somehow giving my consent just because I was raised by abusive bigots?
I understand that that phrase is meant to motivate people to defend themselves, but I think it's dangerous and loaded, because it disregards everyone who doesn't have the opportunity to not give consent. People have felt, are feeling, and will continue to feel inferior without wanting to because of what people around them are saying and doing to them, and implying that this is somehow consensual, since no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, is not fair.
I don't feel inferior anymore when I'm insulted. I just feel angry, and sometimes helpless. But even now when I bring up the things that have been said and done to me in the past, my relatives will often say I didn't fight back at the time, so clearly, I was either too weak or not as affected as I claim. I was terrified of my parents. I'd tried to defy them early on, but learned my lesson quickly when I saw the consequences that followed. And after that I would never dare to say a word to defend myself. And now it's used against me that I was made to feel like shit - because I didn't fight back, so clearly it's my own fault anyway.
I understand the motivational value of that saying, I really do. It is designed to make us fight against those who will try to put us down, and not let anyone make us feel inferior. But I also think it inadvertently shits on the victims of emotional abuse whose minds and will had been broken by their abusers, who didn't know they could defend themselves, who were too afraid to do so. Because yes, you can be made to feel inferior without your consent. There are situation where that becomes perfectly clear.
I think another reason that saying urks me so much is that it reminds me of all the times that I have been and still am constantly being told that my mental illness is just weakness and that if I smiled and tried a little harder, than I wouldn't feel the way I feel. And look at all those other neurotypical people that are doing just fine, so clearly it can be done, so clearly it's my own fault that I'm allowing things to affect me the way they do.
Yes, of course, that is nowhere near what Mrs Roosevelt was going for with that saying, but whenever someone says something about how we're all in control of how we feel and that no one can hurt us if we don't let them, that is inevitably what I think about. Because such statements about emotions are based on broad generalizations that don't leave much room for variation. And anyone who is a variation is kind of receiving the exact opposite of motivation.
There are a lot of if's and but's that would need to go as disclaimer in order for that phrase to work without hurting anyone. Such as that it only applies to adults, to people who are not going through and have not experienced emotional abuse, brainwashing, gaslighting, and probably only to mentally healthy people whose self-esteem has not been destroyed by past experiences. Because if it doesn't take that into consideration then it's telling all of the above-mentioned people, people who are unable to fight against those who are making them feel inferior, that they're effectively giving consent for their own abuse, and that's neither true nor helpful.

I feel the Eleanor Roosevelt quote dismisses the victim. "Don't listen to their words of hate. You fail if you do." No...it's about "Don't fucking say your words of hate." When I hear that quote, it actually makes me mad. It reminds me of other things said to me growing up. "Why can't you be a man?" "Man up!" "Don't be a wimp!" "Ignore them!" "You're too weak!" "You're too soft!" "You're too girlie!" And, FYI...what's wrong with being girlie? Christ...it's just a vicious circle. My consent isn't always around telling me not to give it. My consent is sometimes broken by the words. I don't allow these words. I don't give my consent. I love the thought and meaning behind the quote, but it doesn't always stand up in the court of the human mind.

"A person cannot make you feel inforior without your consent" – Eleanor Roosevelt.

What a tender world that would be if that was the truth.

But that's not how biology works.

The human brain is not magic, and cognition is not a series of magic spells. The brain is a biological organ, and cognition is a series of electrochemical reactions that follow chemical laws. One of the quirks of human cognition is how hard it is to tell the difference between seeing something versus doing it, between thinking something versus believing it.

It's the reason why many people get so worked up about their favorite sports teams winning at the eleventh hour: they can't tell the difference between watching a game and being part of it. It's the reason why many people don't understand that the point of killer-POV scenes in horror movies is supposed to be that we're on the side of the victim, but can see that the killer is more prepared than the victim is (and are horrified on the victim's behalf that the killer has the advantage): they can't tell the difference between seeing through the eyes of the killer versus being killers themselves.

Psychotic disorders like paranoid schizophrenia take this even further than normal, but even for normal people, the basic principle still stands: when you hear a sentence from somebody else, or when a statement pops into your head from out of nowhere, your brain biologically processes that statement as being the truth, and it takes a conscious effort to make yourself reprocess that statement as being untruthful.

When a person is told that they are disgusting and that they don't deserve the life that other people do, it takes a conscious effort for the person to disagree. When the person is told the same thing again, it takes even more conscious effort to disagree with it again. When tens of millions of people say the same thing every day of every year...

That's why self-affirmations are so powerful and important: "I deserve to be happy" "I deserve to be comfortable" "I deserve to live"

Simpson17866 said:

When a person is told that they are disgusting and that they don't deserve the life that other people do, it takes a conscious effort for the person to disagree. When the person is told the same thing again, it takes even more conscious effort to disagree with it again. When tens of millions of people say the same thing every day of every year...

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It took me years and years to stop believing all the shit my parents have been saying to me my whole life. And even now that I'm more self-aware, still, every time one of my relatives insults me, or I hear yet another homophobic statement on TV, there's a moment when I'm just hurt. Then I get angry and defensive, but there's always a moment when it's just pain. I guess I've trained myself well enough that that moment is now very brief and my brain stops believing the insults very quickly, but it's true that I have to make an effort to not believe the insults, especially considering that I've spent my whole life hearing them.
And let's not forget how often bigotry is presented as help. How often people will tell those whom they hate that they're just trying to fix them, trying to help them become normal, trying to save them. This can be very effective when done repeatedly, by people who outnumber you, by people you depend on or who have power over you.
There are so, so many ways to make a person feel inferior without their consent. Implying otherwise is just blaming the victims for not having fought effectively enough. I just wish we spent more time teaching people not to be bigots than telling people to learn not to get hurt.

Yep. The ruts we dig in early life stay with us. Even after years and years of therapy, it sometimes takes one bad day (or one bad name calling) to slip back into those well-worn ruts. All the ammunition given to us by a well-meaning incredible therapists who quite possibly saved our lives (in my case, anyhow), falls by the wayside. I do think the Roosevelt quote was not intended to be hurtful, but I do think it's incredibly victim-shaming. As though, "You can do better than that...let their words wash over you. Don't let them in." What an incredible world that would be.

(I have returned from the void)

yeah, those statements are pretty full of victim-blaming. repeated a lot, but usually more harmful than helpful. tends to result in people just not talking about how much insults hurt them

happy Pride everyone! :

My Prime Minister had a statement to make about/to the LGBTQA community.


I took this shot, and many more like it, when he came to the person standing a few down from us who was wearing a Justin Trudeau original dress...

Justin came to talk to him and they hugged and kissed before he continued on...