Limericks Still Live!

My car is a big heap of junk
Please don't ask what I keep in the trunk
Just one piston fires
It needs four new tires
And the camshaft and spark plugs are sunk


The grease monkey towed it away

My car is a big heap of junk
Please don't ask what I keep in the trunk
Just one piston fires
It needs four new tires
and a driver not constantly drunk.

There once was a hitch-hiking fatso

A twofer up for grabs!

Or else I can retract my submission, as I was a full five minutes tardy.

The grease monkey towed it away
I knew I'd have plenty to pay



There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who hopped in and said, "Call me Ratso"

The grease monkey towed it away
Then he gave me a lovely bouquet

There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who wanted a ride to a cat show

No retractions! This is my first two-fer. I may need to get out more.

Ummm... should I just take mine back? Or do we now have a four-fer?

Great! I love a challenge.

The grease monkey towed it away
I knew I'd have plenty to pay
He said with a grin


There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who hopped in and said, "Call me Ratso"
Says I, not a chance


The grease monkey towed it away
Then he gave me a lovely bouquet
But the big ugly brute

There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who wanted a ride to a cat show
I told him, "hop in"

Well I've let myself in for more than I expected.

The grease monkey towed it away
I knew I'd have plenty to pay
He said with a grin
His smile laced with sin


There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who hopped in and said, "Call me Ratso"
Says I, not a chance
You don't enhance

The grease monkey towed it away
Then he gave me a lovely bouquet
But the big ugly brute
Was really a fruit

There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who wanted a ride to a cat show
I told him, "hop in"
And listen to Janis Joplin

Sorry best I could do!

Eeek! I come back after a couple of days and this is what I find?


The grease monkey towed it away
I knew I'd have plenty to pay
He said with a grin
His smile laced with sin
"A discount, my dear, for a lay."



There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who hopped in and said, "Call me Ratso"
Says I, not a chance
You don't enhance
She replied "You've the dick of a gnat - so."




The grease monkey towed it away
Then he gave me a lovely bouquet
But the big ugly brute
Was really a fruit
Twas my brother he wanted, okay?

There once was a hitch-hiking fatso
Who wanted a ride to a cat show
I told him, "hop in"
To Janis Joplin, *
we sang along, though we were flat -so.

* meter adjustment

I never know where to begin

Bravo, everyone!

I never know where to begin
At the start, at the end, or within

I never know where to begin
At the start, at the end, or within
So I close my eyes

I never know where to begin
At the start, at the end, or within
So I close my eyes
Till I realise

I never know where to begin
At the start, at the end, or within
So I close my eyes
Till I realise
That getting it wrong is no sin.

Perfection had once been my goal.

Perfection had once been my goal.
Now I'm aiming to just come out whole.

Perfection had once been my goal.
Now I'm aiming to just come out whole.
Complete without flaws.

Perfection had once been my goal.
Now I'm aiming to just come out whole.
Complete without flaws,
My goal no more's

Perfection had once been my goal.
Now I'm aiming to just come out whole.
Complete without flaws,
My goal no more's
perfection but quality control.

"Ye gods!" I cried. "I am omniscient!"

"Ye gods!" I cried. "I am omniscient!
No wonder I'm super-proficient"

"Ye gods!" I cried. "I am omniscient!
No wonder I'm super-proficient"
My only known flaw

"Ye gods!" I cried. "I am omniscient!
No wonder I'm super-proficient"
My only known flaw
Could be I'm a bore

"Ye gods!" I cried. "I am omniscient!
No wonder I'm super-proficient"
My only known flaw
Could be I'm a bore
Cuz I'm conversation-deficient.

This R rhyming problem's a bitch

This R rhyming problem's a bitch
Just the thought makes my eyes start to twitch

This R rhyming problem's a bitch
Just the thought makes my eyes start to twitch
But teachers agree

This R rhyming problem's a bitch
Just the thought makes my eyes start to twitch
But teachers agree
that letters you see