Crap film ideas

Carter Jones of Mars

It's 2030. The first manned Mars mission is about to wrap up and leave after a month of research. The launch is a success, everybody is enthusiastic about coming home. Until they notice that their computer guy, Carter Jones, last seen taking a final stroll on Mars, is missing.

The astronauts discuss if they can afford to return and pick him up with what's left of their energy and oxygen. Calculations and statistics are exchanged with increasing urgency, eventually resulting in fistfights and mayhem as a consensus can't be found and must therefore be fought out.

Meanwhile, on Mars, Carter Jones tries to make the best of his situation, taking more strolls, rationing his oxygen and the food leftovers in the tent the crew had used as a research station, as well as exploring his surroundings to see if there's anything he can use to sustain himself until the next mission comes to pick him up. He drills for ice he can melt into water, looks out for organic matter he can somehow process into food, always hoping against hope there might be life on Mars after all, for him to hunt, kill and eat.

onesecondglance said:

Wow. That could actually be quite a poignant tale.

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Dang, failed again at riding the awful. Will I have to pitch that Nazi U-Boat horror thriller after all?

Reduce Reuse Recycle
Romantic comedy

Environmental activist Jemina doesn't let anything go to waste: She likes to keep her cast-off boyfriends around, matching them up with other friends if they seem a good fit (recycle), turning to some for relationship advice (reduce), and some are still good for comfort sex (reuse). It's a stable ecosystem of sorts, with the guys vetting any new love interest before he can "join the gang".

All goes well until she falls in love with a guy who has the exact same attitude... about her. Has she met her match, or have some of her still-in-love exes ganged up to teach her a lesson?

(I actually got bored writing that one. Good sign, eh?)

Twilight - The Next Fifty Years

Four words: gritty nursery rhyme reboots.



(click image or HERE for full comic)

Kick me Elmo

A group of high school boys with the athletic prowess of Richard Simmons decides to fill the void when the varsity football team is disbanded after a drinking party. They spend most of their time time to fill the voids of the cheerleading squad but also manage to develop a game plan that defeats the best HS football team in the state. Justin Beiber sings the title song.

Okay, I actually put some research into the next one. Meaning, the one thing I know about goldfish.

I've Forgotten More Than You'll Ever Know!
Animation
(Although, if somebody wants to make it live action with actual fish, I'm game)

Fjodor is a young goldfish with extraordinary intelligence. He can remember things for up to two seconds, rather than the goldfish average of one second. This qualifies him for the Fishtown memorizing contest, except that his mother, Frilla, forgets to enlist him. Even worse, she doesn't even remember what he's so angry about. Later that day, all is forgotten and they're best friends again. Except... Fjodor is still really good at remembering things, and when he learns about the memorizing contest again, he really likes to go and asks Frilla to enlist him, which she forgets, and so on.

Will the fish, collectively, come up with a system of reminding each other in turns in time for Frilla to enlist Fjodor in the contest? Will Fjodor remember to go?

And what do you know? There was something about goldfish in today's paper. Now I know two things about them. I sense a sequel...

Max Vaehling said:

Okay, I actually put some research into the next one. Meaning, the one thing I know about goldfish.

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The one thing you know about goldfish is a myth.

PorterStarrByrd said:

Kick me Elmo

A group of high school boys with the athletic prowess of Richard Simmons decides to fill the void when the varsity football team is disbanded after a drinking party. They spend most of their time time to fill the voids of the cheerleading squad but also manage to develop a game plan that defeats the best HS football team in the state. Justin Beiber sings the title song.

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Got a PM saying this could actually be made ... THAT'sTHE PROBLEM !!

Well, it's the premise of this thread, isn't it? Crappy films that could be made?

(I actually held some back that were too close to possible.)

JimmyB27 said:

The one thing you know about goldfish is a myth.

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So, what, you're calling my movie unrealistic?!

Young Yoda

In this prequel to the STAR WARS prequels, Yoda has just joined grade school when, following a prophecy that a massive danger to their cause is going to come from this school, it gets attacked by Sith warriors. Warned by pretty much the same prophecy (the oracle was indeed double-dealing), half the school staff have been replaced by undercover Jedi who provide a first line of defense. Yoda, much more interested in the mayhem than his classes, skips class and finds himself in the hallways when his classroom is targeted. He manages to save quite a few classmates before the Sith notice he's the danger they're after. Luckily the Jedi, impressed by how he saved the other kids, can bring him to safety and begin teaching him the Jedi ways. Needless to say, he never finishes grade school, which explains his lousy grammar as a grown-up.