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Thread: Crap film ideas

  1. #1
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Crap film ideas

    This is a game from another forum I frequent - here's hoping it thrives here.

    The idea is to pitch terrible films that could actually get made. Just saying "Paranormal Activity 15" is no fun. Something more like this:

    The Interview (dir Ben Stiller, starring Ben Stiller)

    Ben Stiller is unemployed until his friend (Owen Wilson) manages to score him an interview at his workplace. At the interview Stiller manages to accidentally murder Wilson's boss in an incident involving a golf club, some gaffer tape, and a fish tank. Panicked, Stiller calls Wilson who agrees to help clean up the mess and keep it a secret. Wilson takes over the dead boss's job and starts sleeping with his boss's wife as well because he lies and says the boss ran off with his secretary.

    Meanwhile Stiller has the job but he's awful at it and accidentally murders the stationary assistant. He puts the body in an industrial shredder to get rid of the evidence. Wilson accidentally lets slip that he murdered the boss whilst in bed with the boss's wife, so he kills her right there and then and dumps her body in a wheelie bin.

    The two friends meet up and confess their additional murders. When the police show up the two cover for each other by inventing ridiculous alibis. For no apparent reason the police believe them and Stiller and Wilson live happily ever after.

    Whilst ostensibly a knockabout buddy comedy of errors, the violent and brutal murder scenes earn this an 18 certificate and a widespread critical mauling as possibly the most distasteful thing Stiller has ever done.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  2. #2
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    A couple more to get things going:

    A high profile criminal defense lawyer, known for getting murderers and rapist off on technicalities, is actually a ruthless vigilante who kills his clients after he's been paid. He gets them off the charges because he can't kill them if they're in prison. A rookie cop, partnered with a heavy drinking grizzled old-timer, dramatically loses his black and white view of morality as he uncovers a trail of evidence incriminating the lawyer.

    For no apparent reason, there is a twist at the end revealing that the lawyer is actually the old-timer's long lost brother.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  3. #3
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Gingerdead Men

    Stop-motion animated horror by Aardman. An army of zombies made of biscuits attacks, and the only way of stopping them is to dunk them in tea.
    Last edited by onesecondglance; 01-31-2013 at 05:09 PM.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  4. #4
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Meatballs of Fire

    A sweet old man who sells meatballs from a street stall hires Mafia enforcers for protection after a seagull accident burns down his house. Hilarity is sure to ensue in this heartwarming family comedy from the creators of Saw.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  5. #5
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Snow Laughing Matter

    Six mountaineers stranded halfway up Everest during a blizzard discover an alien lifeform buried in ice. They defrost the wee critter with wee and are horrified when it does that swimming up your urethra thing like the river fish supposedly do in the Amazon. Things get worse when the creatures rapidly multiply and mutate their hosts into abominable snow persons.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  6. #6
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Trash Day

    Action thriller starring Jason Statham. An ex-Navy SEAL finding it hard to adjust to suburban life is caught up in a life-or-death chase to get the garbage out on time.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  7. #7
    It's a bird! It's a plane! It's an AW Moderator Ol' Fashioned Girl's Avatar
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    I'd play... if all the terrible ideas hadn't already been filmed...
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  8. #8
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Ghost For Hire

    Recently-deceased Glenda (Tina Fey) was a bitch in life - now she's a bitch in the afterlife. For a small fee she irritates people until they leave - teenagers who won't leave home, bad news boyfriends, squatters, that sort of thing. But when she was hired to get rid of Johnny (Matthew Broderick), she never expected to fall in love...
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  9. #9
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    He's With The Band

    Hapless mailman Vic is delivering parcels backstage at a music festival when he's mistaken for a roadie. Through sheer luck he comes through and is hired for real by an Austrian death metal band as they travel on a pan-European tour. Through a series of hilarious scrapes and misadventures Vic learns the true meaning of heavy metal.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  10. #10
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    The Wasp's Nest

    An alcoholic cop joins an elite team of badasses to take down a terrorist given superpowers through repeated wasp stings.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  11. #11
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Space Rustlers

    Hotshot starship pilot Cameron Steele is kicked down to [space] border patrol after he unwittingly sleeps with the chief commissioner's daughter(s). In the backwaters of space he uncovers a secret smuggling ring transporting the most valuable commodity in the galaxy - kumquats.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  12. #12
    Formerly Phantom of Krankor. AW Moderator Torgo's Avatar
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    Movie Movie

    From Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, writers of Spy Hard (7% on Rotten Tomatoes), Date Movie (6%), Epic Movie (2%), Meet the Spartans (2%), Disaster Movie (2%) and Vampires Suck (4%) comes Movie Movie - a spoof of unwatchably atrocious spoof movies. Sit quietly, occasionally cradling your head in your hands, as Carmen Electra reprises a bit from Meet the Spartans that has been conclusively linked to fifteen suicides. Weep, weep, for it will gross at least $50M. All is lost, lost.

  13. #13
    practical experience, FTW kenthepen's Avatar
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    "Two for the Road(to Hell)"
    This lighthearted behind-the-scenes documentary follows the antics of Abner Schwarzenwanker and Jester Jabone as they work on their new major-studio adventure, "Geriatric Justice," an action film that promises more explosions per second than any film in history.

    See Schwarzenwanker maul and harass female crew members, despite the fact that his genitalia have withered and drawn back up inside his abdomen from decades of steroid abuse!

    See Jester's frustrating attempts to wean himself from his mother's breast, a struggle of psycological addiction despite her death several years ago!

    Watch for the first time the magic of special-effects make-up artists as they try to make both stars look like something other than fossilized rotten apples!

    Laugh, as Abner's gray matter leaks out his ears in the middle of a fight scene, and as Jabone's veins explode as he pumps up for shirtless on-camera action!

    Two major stars as you've never seen them before, and will never want to see them again!
    113k on WIP! Someone tell me to shut up!

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  14. #14
    Formerly Phantom of Krankor. AW Moderator Torgo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by onesecondglance View Post
    Ghost For Hire

    Recently-deceased Glenda (Tina Fey) was a bitch in life - now she's a bitch in the afterlife. For a small fee she irritates people until they leave - teenagers who won't leave home, bad news boyfriends, squatters, that sort of thing. But when she was hired to get rid of Johnny (Matthew Broderick), she never expected to fall in love...
    That could actually get made AND be good. Beetlejuice meets Ghost.

  15. #15
    practical experience, FTW kenthepen's Avatar
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    "Tasteless 2: Beyond Redemption"
    This horror movie started as a comedy sequel, as our eclectic band of contestants overshoot their goal of making it to Redemption, Nevada, and instead find themselves trapped in a desert wasteland of 'jokes' about every bodily fluid and function imaginable. Warning: graphic everything.
    113k on WIP! Someone tell me to shut up!

    Severe allergic reaction to the slightest traces of reality

    Kenneth Folta available on Smashwords

  16. #16
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Torgo View Post
    That could actually get made AND be good. Beetlejuice meets Ghost.
    Clearly I have failed to meet the requirements of the thread title...
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  17. #17
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kenthepen View Post
    "Tasteless 2: Beyond Redemption"
    This horror movie started as a comedy sequel, as our eclectic band of contestants overshoot their goal of making it to Redemption, Nevada, and instead find themselves trapped in a desert wasteland of 'jokes' about every bodily fluid and function imaginable. Warning: graphic everything.
    Bonus points for having a terrible pun in the title!
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  18. #18
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    I've got tons of these, but surely the rest of you lot have even more... ?

    Love Conquers Mall

    A ditzy single mother takes a job at a fish manicure place in an Oregon mall and discovers romance with a washed-up ex-con turned mall cop.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  19. #19
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    The Royal Wee

    Classic British farce following the misadventures of a conman who sells some yellow liquid he claims to be the Queen's pee to a chinese guy on eBay. What he doesn't realise is that an obscure clause in the laws of succession means he has just officially given England to the Chinese.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  20. #20
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Girls, Grills, Golf

    Fictional biopic of lead singer Mikey Codpiece from 80s hair metal band Flesh Squirrel, chronicling his life of excess as he goes from porn star to rock star to golf pro, with a stint in marketing George Foreman grills in between.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  21. #21
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Batshit Crazy

    Teenagers find that grinding dried bat guano into dust and then inhaling it (like cocaine) gives them a psychedelic high. Low budget horror (it turns users into violent zombie monsters) / knockabout comedy (side effects include growing bat ears) / coming of age flick (during a trip two girls get pregnant).
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

  22. #22
    They've been very bad, Mr Flibble Mr Flibble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by onesecondglance View Post
    The Royal Wee

    Classic British farce following the misadventures of a conman who sells some yellow liquid he claims to be the Queen's pee to a chinese guy on eBay. What he doesn't realise is that an obscure clause in the laws of succession means he has just officially given England to the Chinese.
    Reminds me of Passport to Pimlico. Only with extra wee.




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  23. #23
    Is it summer yet??? BeatrixKiddo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by onesecondglance View Post
    Trash Day

    Action thriller starring Jason Statham. An ex-Navy SEAL finding it hard to adjust to suburban life is caught up in a life-or-death chase to get the garbage out on time.

    That actually sounds kind of good. lol. But I'm partial, because I would watch anything that man stars in.
    Do not look here...there is nothing to see.

  24. #24
    A Gentleman of a refined age... thothguard51's Avatar
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    Just about anything on the SyFy channel...
    Knowledge is learned while wisdom is earned.

    Currently working on...

    From, The Tales of Netherron,
    Book 1, A Game of Pawns
    Book 2, Pawn takes Queen,
    Book 3, Pawn's Gambit,

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  25. #25
    pretending to be awake onesecondglance's Avatar
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    Terminator Vs Predator

    Twenty years after the first Predator movie, Dutch has retired to Los Angeles, still haunted by nightmares of his ordeal and eventual triumph over the alien hunter. His dreams are horrifically realistic and foreshadow the discovery of mutilated bodies, killed in just the same way as his dreams suggest. A Predator has arrived and is going around killing people cos, you know, that's what they do.

    Across the city, a T800 / T101 (depending on how bothered you are) is arriving. The Predator sees the energy signature and goes to meet the cyborg, whereupon a big fight ensues with GIANT EXPLOSIONS. Both parties escape as dawn rises.

    Dutch has become interested in the killings because they match his dreams and theorises the involvement of a Predator. As he investigates, the Terminator finds him and tries to kill him. Turns out Dutch would become an important member of the human resistance in the future, and since Cyberdyne has a cubic ton of Terminators just sitting around doing nothing they thought they'd get rid of him. Another big fight ensues, and Dutch manages to escape with his life.

    The fight has drawn the attention of the Predator, who spots Dutch. He recognises him as the killer of his bestest buddy Predator from the first movie, and naturally decides that he's just gotta have his head on a stick mounted on the wall of his spaceship. He sees the Terminator in hot pursuit and realises that he's trying to steal his kill - how inconsiderate.

    The climax of the film is a big fight (natch) which ends up levelling half of LA. The Terminator manages to kill the Predator and then Dutch manages to kill the Terminator, which is a bit odd since both are played by Ahnold under a lot of makeup. There's a twist at the end that reveals that an evil corporation attracted the Predator to Earth and also went forward in the future to make Dutch out as a resistance hero as they knew this would result in much of the city being destroyed, thus meaning they can pursue a big urban renewal project and make millions.

    In an after credits sting, Robocop turns up and arrests Dutch and the evil corporation turns out to be Omni Consumer Products.
    Λrchangel: near-future SF noir
    Bleed Through: multiverse thriller with a side of vampires. | 39,500 / 100,000 (hey look it went up)

    I write music. | I gave in and joined twitter. | And I have a blog too.

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