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Thread: Phrasing Dilemmas

  1. #1
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    Phrasing Dilemmas

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    Last edited by wallowismel; 02-05-2014 at 04:53 AM.

  2. #2
    The coast is clear Chase's Avatar
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    In my opinion, the phrasing is quite readable if session gives its "s" to conflict to reflect the singular quality of "each." I don't think the semicolon works, as its chief function is to separate main clauses, and such isn't the case here. A colon would do a better job.

    The format of each daily session consists of three parts: an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, followed by hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration.

  3. #3
    Tell it like it Is Susan Littlefield's Avatar
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    wallowisme,

    My edit would be as follows:

    The format of each daily session consists of three parts: an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration.
    Susan

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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by wallowismel View Post
    "The format of each daily sessions consist of three parts; an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, followed by hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration." The above is snippet to be placed within a press release and I'm wondering if there are any transgressions made that make it unreadable.
    The problem I have is that I'm not sure what it means. "Hands on demos of key lecture concepts" means little to me - does this mean key-lecture and is this the same lecture as the informal one? What are hands-on demos (this sounds like a contradiction)? That apart, I think if you got rid of 'three parts;' (which is obvious), then you are nearly there. However, as Chase pointed out, "each daily sessions" doesn't really make sense.

  5. #5
    Benefactor Member Roxxsmom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kenn View Post
    The problem I have is that I'm not sure what it means. "Hands on demos of key lecture concepts" means little to me - does this mean key-lecture and is this the same lecture as the informal one? What are hands-on demos (this sounds like a contradiction)? That apart, I think if you got rid of 'three parts;' (which is obvious), then you are nearly there. However, as Chase pointed out, "each daily sessions" doesn't really make sense.
    Some of these are education buzzwords that have a clear meaning to teachers/educators. I teach at a college, so I have no problem knowing what these things mean. If the blurb is intended to be read by, say, educators who are attending a workshop, then it's probably fine as is. If it's intended for a more "lay audience," or for brand new students who haven't been introduced to these terms in previous courses, then defining what a "key lecture concept" is or a "hands-on demonstration" is may be handy somewhere.
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  6. #6
    I agree with Roxxsmom.
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    Susan Littlefield's edit sounds good to me.

    But I am wondering if you could do away with "The format of" at the beginning and simply start with "Each session consists of three parts."

    Is it the format or the session that has three parts?

  7. #7
    Tell it like it Is Susan Littlefield's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guttersquid View Post
    .

    But I am wondering if you could do away with "The format of" at the beginning and simply start with "Each session consists of three parts."

    Is it the format or the session that has three parts?
    Excellent point. I agree.
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  8. #8
    writer, rider, reader...ex-pat! BethS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wallowismel View Post
    "The format of each daily sessions consist of three parts; an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, followed by hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration." The above is snippet to be placed within a press release and I'm wondering if there are any transgressions made that make it unreadable.
    That semi-colon should be a colon. A colon introduces a list.

    Other than that, the sentence is clear, though the editing suggestions people have offered here would improve it.

  9. #9
    Let's see what's on special today.. Bufty's Avatar
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    Agreed - it gets better and better as one reads each response.
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    Caped Codder jaksen's Avatar
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    I was a teacher and I know what it means, but my husband walked away shaking his head. (Accountant) Perhaps if concrete examples were given, as most people tend to be more black and white than shades of gray ...

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