Because

I don't know why you're listening to Haggis and it makes me wonder if you often do things dogs tell you to do which makes me want to know about your neighbor's dog because listening to the neighbor's dog can probably get you in more trouble than anything else there is in the whole world unless you stop and think about where Haggis lives since we all know he has to live somewhere and if he really does live somewhere then it goes without saying that he has neighbors which you could talk to and see if they listen to Haggis and if they listen to him it would mean that we're all in trouble now because the neighbor's dog has found the interwebz and is assembling an army because

good i have coffee bad i'm too busy to drink it ugly because a 25 word post is way too unread emails under the deck with no railing because

word by word sentences entire reverse to tend i dyslexia of form rare a have i because

My dear husband isn't here because he's gone on a fantastic sabbatical with his sweet and generous brother Joe to dole out a shitload of money to the poor in depressed areas all around the country because Joe won the Powerball lottery last month because he played the winning numbers 5 and 12 and 45 and 47 and 60 and 62 with the powerball number 4 because he'd had a dream in which those specific numbers were floating in the air on strings attached to little red balloons because his daughter Petunia had just turned four and they had a birthday party for her and Joe blew up all these little red balloons for her because she loved the color red and she loved balloons and she loved her daddy because when she was three years old he'd taken her to a circus and bought her a red balloon because when he was just a little kid he saw this movie called "The Red Balloon" and he dreamed every night that he was that red balloon because he'd contracted polio when he was six years old and he never could walk right because that polio had attacked the muscles in his legs and they were really skinny and he walked with a limp because of it and kids made fun of him and called him "Gimpy" because they didn't understand polio and they lacked empathy because their parents never taught them empathy because they didn't know any better because they'd lived sheltered lives because they were lucky and so was Joe because he knew in his heart that he'd won that money for a reason because God wouldn't give him that much money just to squander it away because God had a purpose for that money just as He had a purpose for giving him polio because He knew Joe was a kind and decent man as was his brother my husband because they came from a fine and decent family who always tried to help those less less fortunate than themselves because it was the kind and decent thing to do because otherwise what would be the point and that's the point I'm trying to make here because when people ask me why my husband Joe dropped everything and didn't say 'no' or question his brother's motives I can tell them it's because he knew it was the right thing to do and an honorable and proper and generous thing to do and he told his brother that but his brother Joe just laughed on the other end of the line and told my husband that he wasn't doing it for any particular reason he was just doing it because to which my husband laughed and said "Of course because Joe of course because. . ."

Dear Porter I would like to thank you for refining the English language to the point that we no longer need silly things like punctuation it makes writing so much more efficient that it has increased my daily word count to eleventy-billion even though they don't make much sense and no one wants to read them which I think is their problem not mine because this new free-form style of writing is clearly the wave of the future and those who don't adopt it are just missing the boat which is sad because I missed a boat once and had to spend an entire night roaming around Vancouver Island because I didn't have enough cash on me for a motel and I was too young to have a credit card.

PorterStarrByrd said:

I hate to tell you this but your husband is in Las Vegas doing things best left there. . .

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Because I read your posting PorterStarrByrd I decided not to keep my head in the sand one moment longer because to do so would be tantamount to slapping a sign with the word STUPID on my forehead or a sign with the words KICK ME on my rear so I decided to double-check our credit card receipts and I also decided to call to a certain hotel on the Las Vegas Strip disguising my voice of course because I was trying to be clandestine on the outside chance that you PorterStarrByrd had ulterior motives for posting such a potentially damaging whatever-you-call-it and lo and behold what did I find out but that my husband and his "sweet and innocent brother" Joe (whom I shall now refer to as "THE GIMP" because he's a lying son-of-a you-know-what) were indeed in 'Sin City' not because they wanted to bestow God's Bounty upon some poor saps who were down-on-their-luck because of bad luck or because they foolishly gambled all of their money away but because they were "fooling around" with certain ladies of ill-repute who shall remain nameless because I have no problem with their chosen profession but I most certainly DO have a most serious problem with my husband or shall I say "soon-to-be-EX-husband" who thinks he's smarter than me and fooling me because he thinks I'm dippy or stupid or something because I believed him when he told me that cock-and-bull story about his brother giving away his lottery winnings because God told him to well I have news for you honey you ain't been to hell yet but you're about to pay a visit pretty darn close to there because I'm here to tell you that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and don't you dare ask me why I'm going to take you down baby take you down and squash you like the miserable bug you are because you already know the reason why or should I say the MILLION reasons why it's because--

I shall call a truce because. . .

I would have three novels finished by now and at least 25 short stories but I wasn’t able to work on them nearly as much as I wanted because