A Life of Crime and Chocolate

Way to go, Bob. Holding thumbs for you.


Did someone say 'Nutella truffles?'



I feel a binge coming on.

Prolly won't sign in much over the Christmas break, so let me be the first to wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2015... well, in a lot of respects I won't be sad to see the back of it, but in other ways it's been a blast. Here's to a happy new year for us all. I wish you love and success in whatever you do.

Happy New Year to all.

Long time not here! Wishing you all a very happy new year. Be successful, keep writing.

Miss you all in my life, but things are hectic and I am enjoying myself. xxx

Shakesbear said:

Long time not here! Wishing you all a very happy new year. Be successful, keep writing.

Miss you all in my life, but things are hectic and I am enjoying myself. xxx

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Shakesbear! Glad you're enjoying yourself. That's as it should be.

Happy New Year to all the MTS writers. Hope you knock 'em dead this year.

Shakesbear said:

Long time not here! Wishing you all a very happy new year. Be successful, keep writing.

Miss you all in my life, but things are hectic and I am enjoying myself. xxx

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Hiya, Shakes. Keep on enjoying yourself.

Shakes! We miss you too...


How's everyone's year going so far? I think for me this year is about "levelling up". There are a bunch of things I began in 2015 and I want to get better at, both at work and at home. I'm not calling it a resolution 'cos I actually want it to happen (ha!) but I'd like to look back this time next year and say, "yeah, I did take it up a notch".

Drive by

Soooooo...I'm here to moan a bit. (As usual.) This time, though, it's about The Kid, who is having trouble dealing with one particular girl in her class (who I will call Sally, which is not her name). It's now at the point that she's afraid of this person.

I have not met Sally, and I haven't witnessed any of what The Kid is talking about. But Sally's behavior seems to take the form of a) intense competitiveness: "What did you get on that test? 97? Oh, well *I* got 100!", and b) belittling others: eye rolls, glares, and point-blank telling people "She just explained that" if they ask a question she believes is stupid.

The Kid finds the first behavior somewhat perplexing, especially since Sally seems to feel anything less than 100% is doom. (Sally has cried, apparently, at getting less than 100% on tests, wailing that it's going to ruin her life. The Kid has actually tried to comfort her at these times.) But the second behavior is extremely upsetting to her. She's afraid to speak up in class, afraid to ask questions, afraid to say anything in front of Sally for fear of being singled out.

Now I have to say, I've tried to tell The Kid to ignore all this, because on the face of it? Doesn't sound all that horrible, does it? But Sally is part of The Kid's circle, and among other things tends to rub The Kid's face in her other friendships. Like putting her arm around The Kid's best friend and saying "I like you, Carol!" while staring at The Kid with a nasty grin on her face.

Basically, we're talking Mean Girl stuff here.

The Kid isn't the only person who has problems with Sally, but I think, because she is who she is, The Kid is sensitive to this particular brand of divisiveness.

Last week, at The Kid's request, the teacher sat down with the two girls, and helped The Kid explain to Sally that her behavior was hurtful, and could she please change it. In front of the teacher, Sally apologized, said she hadn't realized what she was doing, and told Em she would stop it. But after the meeting...disaster, culminating in Sally yelling at The Kid on the school bus that The Kid had "ruined her life" and "shouldn't have told the teacher." When The Kid got off the bus, she was shaking, and she started to cry and didn't stop for an hour.

I've contacted the teacher again (and The Kid was very worried about that, given what Sally said), and I'm going to meet with her on Thursday, but I'm not sure what to ask for. I know the teacher has to look after both girls...but she's also aware that Sally has problematic behaviors, entirely outside of her relationship with The Kid. (I suspect, from what The Kid has told me, that Sally is a bit neuro-atypical, and probably doesn't always understand how her behaviors - especially her expressions - affect others.)

Part of the problem, of course, is that Sally sounds awfully familiar to me. My ex and I went to counseling for a while, and in the counselor's office, he'd be articulate and logical and contrite. And when we walked out, he'd start, and by the time we reached the car he'd be screaming at me, revealing everything he'd said in the counselor's office to be a complete lie.

So maybe this is a bit triggering for me.

I'm trying really hard to focus on The Kid and what she needs. FWIW, she got on the school bus this morning perfectly cheerfully (Sally doesn't take the bus in the morning, just the afternoon). And thanks to our current circumstances, I could switch to picking her up at school in the afternoons, if it really gets bad.

But I honestly don't know how to advise her. I honestly don't know what I expect from the teacher, or what I should even ask for.

I was bullied a lot as a child. The Kid, in contrast, has had really good peer experiences up until now. I want her to keep that as long as she can. I want her to be resilient enough so that she can shake off behaviors like Sally's. But something about this girl really crawls under her skin.

Anybody go through anything like this, either themselves or with their own kids?

I have no experience to draw from, but hugs, liz.

Thanks, osg. I really am torn between having tremendous sympathy for Sally - who really does seem caught up in the idea that one misstep in the 6th grade is going to Ruin Her life - and wanting to ship her off to some mythic reform school where she will never be seen again.

It's a tough one, Liz. It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Unfortunately, our kids are going to be in the company of people who hurt them - unintentionally, or otherwise - and they have to learn to deal with them.

All I can say is stay aware of the situation, and be there for your daughter.

muse said:

It's a tough one, Liz. It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Unfortunately, our kids are going to be in the company of people who hurt them - unintentionally, or otherwise - and they have to learn to deal with them.

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Yeah, my advice to her has been along the lines of "Figure out how to stop caring what she thinks of you." Easier said than done, even at my age.

And I really do suspect the adults are helpless on this one.

lizmonster said:

Yeah, my advice to her has been along the lines of "Figure out how to stop caring what she thinks of you." Easier said than done, even at my age.

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Yeah, if we all could only switch off that part of our brains/hearts, wouldn't things be so much better.

lizmonster said:

And I really do suspect the adults are helpless on this one.

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That's the most frustrating thing, that the adults are helpless with this situation.

heyjude said:

Don't take any of my advice. I just asked my daughter (who is in 7th grade) how she would deal with it and her considered response was "Definitely egg her house."



I am clearly a terrible mother.

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I like your advice, and that of your daughter.

The hardest part about the situation you describe, liz, is having to deal with what Sally spews. The Kid can't control Sally. The adults can't either, or they get the Special Presentation of Compliance. The things that you and The Kid have the most chance of controlling are how The Kid sees and responds to Sally. Heyjude's approach allows The Kid to start to understand that Sally is acting out not because of The Kid, but because she's got other stuff going on. If we can respond compassionately from that perspective (hard as it may be), we can also start to distance ourselves from the impact of her words and actions. It's easier to brush them off when we see them as Sally's flailings, and that those only have the power over us that we give them.

All, of course, much easier to say and very challenging to implement, especially at that age.

Personally, I like martial arts.Not for the actual fighting aspects, but for the confidence it builds. I know I can throw people and hurtle myself through the air and bounce off the ground. I'm not going to break. Not until later anyway.

You guys are wonderful. I may share the house-egging advice, but I should probably make it clear I would really rather she not grab a carton out of the fridge and head down the road.

The Kid is a strange one herself, and I think that's part of why dealing with Sally is so hard. On the one hand, she has tremendous sympathy for Sally. To give you an idea of where Sally is coming from: she is apparently, for real, expecting her Hogwarts letter any day now. She has also told The Kid she's going to be expected to pay for college herself, which is part of where the grade pressure comes from. (She's also said that "everybody" in the US celebrates Christmas, despite being confronted with at least three kids in her own classroom who do not.)

So there's rigidity, and perception issues. And The Kid has her own problems with rigidity and perception issues. She really did believe once they talked to the teacher there'd be hugging and they'd become best friends. Which may be just as far-fetched as expecting the Hogwarts letter.

The teacher has rearranged the seating in class, and the girls now sit far away from each other. The Kid says there was some snarking on the bus yesterday, but nothing severe, and she was able to brush it off.

The key is going to be getting her to detach, which is really, really difficult for this one. She's so lucky, in that most of the kids she's been in school with have been, if not friendly, at least not actively hostile.

I will say that some of the other kids in the class have reached out to The Kid with kindness and support. I'm sorry about the circumstances, but I find that behavior really lovely. They seem, for the most part, a really good group of kids, and I want her to be able to focus on THAT and ignore, as much as she can, the one exception to the rule.

Liz, so sorry for this late response. I've only just seen your post. Okay if I wade in?

I'll take that as a yes.

Firstly, I don't know The Kid's age or what grade she's in but I'm going to assume that she's somewhere between the 5th grade and the 9th grade. This is when bullying reaches its peak and becomes most harmful. Early adolescence marks the time in a child's life when fitting in and being accepted by her peers is of paramount importance to her and nothing you can say to your daughter is going to change that. It's the time when the emerging adult personality seeks for definition within the social setting and what you have here is not merely Sally versus The Kid - there's a whole group dynamic.

It's very distressing for a parent to discover that their child is being bullied and the most natural thing is to want to wade in there and sort the bully out. Don't!!! Hold those horses for a moment. One of the hardest things to recognize, when it comes to bullying, is that it is your child's problem, not yours. If a parent goes in, guns blazing, they're sending a message that their child is not competent in sorting this out for herself, which is not true at all but which signals to other kids that the victim of the bullying is weak and relying on mom and dad to solve the problem.

Kids do have the power to stop bullying in its tracks - they just don't know how to use it. The parent's role in this is, primarily, to help their child find the right techniques to use and then to support the child while he or she puts them into practice. So I have done a cut and paste of chapter 8 of my book, which deals specifically with strategies and tactics that kids can use to bully-proof themselves, and I've taken the liberty of sending this to you in a PM. (Not meaning to be presumptuous.) I suggest that you read it first then let your daughter read it on her own. After this, the two of you - and dad too if he wishes - can get together and discuss which techniques and tactics your daughter feels she'd be the most comfortable in using. Not every child can cope with confrontation and conflict, so choosing the right technique for her is important. Then you become her 'cheerleader' on the sidelines and encourage her as much as she'll let you.

Liz, I would strongly suggest that you cancel the meeting with the teacher tomorrow. Hold back on that for the moment* and let your daughter think about how she would like to tackle the problem. As I said before, if we, as parents, try to solve the problem (and you have little chance of success with this Sally, btw) our children learn that they can always looks to us for help when life gets tough. Not a good idea since we can't guarantee that we'll always be there. But if we teach our children how to solve their own problems, we give them a skill that will last them a lifetime.

*If your daughter has tried everything, repeatedly and nothing is stopping this Sally, then it's time to call in the school authorities and go all the way to the top if one teacher is not capable of putting a stop to it.

Hang in there. Bullies can be stopped.

heyjude said:

Gail is awesome.

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+1.

Fab advice, Gail.

Excellent advice.

I'm going to go ahead and talk to the teacher (we're overdue to meet anyway!), but as I've chatted with her over email, I think we both agree that leaving the kids to work it out is the best solution, if it's possible. I'm hoping to get a better picture of who Sally is (because even though My Kid Is Of Course Perfect, I don't for one instant think she's giving me an objective description of this child or her behavior), so I can help The Kid figure out how to maybe let it roll off a little better.

This week hasn't been bad, knock wood. I'm feeling hopeful that separating the two of them in the classroom (they had been sitting next to each other) has eased most of the problem, and if I can get The Kid to do a combination of ignoring and responding calmly rather than escalating the situation, it might work out OK.

Thank you, everybody. Your kindness and generosity is very much appreciated.