Vampires Suck [adult content]

Also known as "I am a terrible person who must be stopped."

But, I had an idea for a book. A vampire book.

A young adult vampire book.

Our hero - Danny - is an average kid with a happy life. He's got a girl (she's in color guard) and he's got place as second sax in Marching Band. His college prospects are good, and most everyone seems to like him.

Then he's hit by a car and left choking to death on his own blood in the middle of the street. That's when he meets Lesley.

Lesley is sex on legs. She's tall, leggy, has huge.......tracts of land, and perfect skin. She's also 200 years old and a vampire. And, more than that, she's a good Samaritan. So she offers Danny a choice. And as that choice is between death and NOT death, Danny picks the option that involves his blood being sucked by a sexy vampire.

When he sits up, he's stronger, tougher, sexier and has fangs.

Danny is a vampire.

Unfortunately, Danny has a few misconceptions about being a vampire. For one thing, sunlight does not cause them to burst into flames. It just gives them one bitching headache and causes them to age naturally and lose most of their vampire-fu (Danny's word for it).

For another thing, vampires don't actually suck blood.

See, uh, the blood concept was actually a change made by Bram's editor. They thought the truth was a bit too, well, how to put it...

Risque?

See, vampires sustain themselves on the metaphysical life force of human beings. And that has always been most potent in the..."immaculate acts of conception and the fluid discharge involved therein", as Lesley puts it.

Semen. Basically. Well, eggs too, but women have only so much and it's WAY harder to get at.

Danny - being straight - is...not entirely thrilled (to say the least). But he's stuck with it. So he's got to juggle his girlfriend, his worries about being unfaithful to her, his concerns about his own sexuality, his school finals, and the fact that a roving gang of homophobic hunters has started to track him down.

So, I have the following questions.

Exactly how completely impossible will this be to publish?

(I'm pretty sure it's up there with my last YA urban fantasy, which has a bisexual, bigendered hermaphrodite solving crimes in terms of completely unpublishable, purely for the sex content alone...)

And furthermore, is it just me or does this not just make a whole hell lot of sense. Why else are vampires so goddamn sexy?

And...ya know...

Fabulous!



God I'm going straight to hell...

Yes. He must drink the semen.

No, this is not a set up to a porn. But it easily could be.

I was thinking MAYBE I could get around it by being really non-explicit and play up the farcical nature of it.

...like, I don't know, licking used socks he steals from closets.

PLEASE! STOP ME! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!

I also had a think that vampires who drink blood get...well, kind of evil and crazy.

For a totally not subtle commentary on american treatment of sex versus violence.

Well, he THOUGHT that she was going to suck his blood, and he wasn't exactly in any state of mind to really notice what was going on, what with the collapsed lungs and broken ripcage and horrible agony.

And, no, I don't think this is actually edgy or daring. I think it's silly and juvenile.

It's supposed to be a sex-romp. I guess it might work better as erotica, but I think that teenage awkwardness about sex and sexuality really fit with the themes of young adult literature.

Bah. BAH I SAY!

amyashley said:

I think I'll go lick socks in the closet with Zoombie. That sounds a lot safer for my marriage.

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But then when he's making out with his girlfriend, she's going to pull back and go, "Ack," And pull a long sock string out of her mouth.

And he's going to go, "Lisa...I can TOTALLY explain..."

Then he is going to run.

Really. Really. Fast.

I also had an amusing idea of the homophobic bullies who are constantly making fun of him and such, and for pretty much the entire novel, so they're making fun of him and roughing him up during the day time, so he has this splitting headache and his powers are on a low ebb.

They're like, "Heh, bet you're a fag." *shove shove shove*

And he's like, "No, I'm trying really hard not to be, could you please shove off?"

And near the climax, they'll come out at night and he will be like, "I really need to focus on the people trying to kill me, please SHUT UP!"

And they'll be like, "Jeer jeer jeer,"

And then he throws them into a trash can and hurries on.

Symbolizing my intense desire to beat up the assholes who made fun of me. And...his moving on from being hurt by name calling and his own self assurance with his sexual identity.

Or something like that.

thebloodfiend said:

Just curious, but is it the sperm or the semen that they need?

Sounds like a good idea, but it is possible to create sperm without sex or guys. If your vampires are super rich, Cullen/Blade style, they could have a laboratory where they actually create the sperm. Or, perhaps someone is trying to destroy it. Who knows? I just think it's an interesting idea to play around with because so many people (*cough* Meyer) never think about the science behind their vampires.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6547675.stm

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Well, see, it's not ACTUALLY sperm that they need, it's life force. It is magic, and a magical set of rules.

I was inspired by how impotence was considered to be a side effect of masturbation in the middle ages, because sperm was seen as your literal life force. And, of course, only by producing children could you stay...potent, becuase the true love that comes from producing a child sustains your life energy.

So, yeah, fake sperm would be cheating.