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Thread: Teens Writing for Teens, the 5th

  1. #23826
    Speling & grammer murderer, Sorrie! amlptj's Avatar
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    I'm posting it here to get minor feedback, just mainly which version do you like more? Which one reads better? Do they both suck? Are they both ok?

    VERSION 1
    “Order, order in the club house,” Pip said jokingly as he started spinning in his desk chair. Pipkin McClennen with his short sickly thin and pale complexion wasn’t the type of person to scream “power”. His spiked dark red hair didn’t even move as he spun several times in his chair till his cover green eyes couldn’t see straight.

    “What, are we five?” Laura sighed as she leaned up on her elbows from her comfortable spot on Pip’s lime green carpet. Laura Wishnowski took the ponytail holder from her wrist and put her red shoulder length hair into a ponytail. Wiping her bangs from her navy blue eyes, then plopped back onto her back continuing to concentrate on the small black speck on Pip’s ceiling.

    “It was only a joke.” Pip said

    “Wasn’t very funny.” She mumbled quickly

    “What is your problem?!” Pip spazzed

    “Will you both shut-up! I don’t feel like listening to you both argue!” Max quickly interrupted as he continued throwing a bouncy ball up at the ceiling and catching it again. He blew of tuff of his shaggy dark brown hair out of his equally dark eyes, but missed the ball and watched it disappear somewhere on the floor.
    VERSION 2
    “Order, order in the club house,” Pip said jokingly as he stopped spinning in his desk chair. Pipkin McClennen was a short pale, almost sickly thin thirteen year old, with spiked short dark red hair, clover green eyes, tons of freckles and braces, Pip wasn’t a normal kid though he was a genius, and already a senior in high school.

    “What, are we five still?” Laura sighed as she leaned up on her elbows to look at him from her comfy spot of Pip’s lime green carpet. Laura Wishnowski was also thirteen. Many wrongly thought Laura and Pip were siblings for she too was a ginger. She had lighter shoulder length red hair with bangs, dark blue eyes and plenty of freckles.

    “It was only a joke.” Pip said

    “Wasn’t very funny.” She mumbled quickly

    “What is your problem?!” Pip spazzed

    “Will you both shut-up! I don’t feel like listening to you both argue!” Max quickly interrupted as he continued throwing a bouncy ball up at the ceiling and catching it again, while laying on Pip’s bed.

    Maxwell Walsh also thirteen was not a ginger, in fact the opposite with dark brown shaggy hair and eyes to match. Max was taller and slightly less lanky than Pip, but did share some freckles that only rested on his nose and cheeks.
    I had to do an assignment in my class today and kind of ended up re-writing my opening. Thanks for any opinions.
    Legend of the Freaks
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  2. #23827
    better off with a really good lie Thalia's Avatar
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    BG, that's KLAUS. He's superfantasticallyevillybeautifullyhilariously cool.
    “They do sometimes go crazy, these people, because the world is telling them not to want the things they want. It can seem saner to give up--but then one goes insane from giving up.”

    -E. Lockhart, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

  3. #23828
    better off with a really good lie Thalia's Avatar
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    OKAY I'M SITTING AT SCHOOL TRYING TO PROCRASTINATE AND THERE IS NO ONE TO PROCRASTINATE WITH.

    Whatch'all doin'?
    “They do sometimes go crazy, these people, because the world is telling them not to want the things they want. It can seem saner to give up--but then one goes insane from giving up.”

    -E. Lockhart, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

  4. #23829
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    Hey Tally!

    Well I had a half day of school because of finals, so I'm just sitting here enjoying NOT being in school.


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  5. #23830
    Ever onward Horserider's Avatar
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    I don't have any Friday classes so I'm hanging out until lunch and then I have a ton of stuff that I need to do.
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  6. #23831
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    I'm so glad I don't have school Monday and Tuesday and that this semester is over. One more to go and then I'm out of high school forever.


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  7. #23832
    Ever onward Horserider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elysium View Post
    I'm so glad I don't have school Monday and Tuesday and that this semester is over. One more to go and then I'm out of high school forever.
    Try to enjoy your last semester.

    Even though college is so much better.
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    I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. ~The Book Thief

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  8. #23833
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    I'm trying.

    I hate my new school though and I don't even know the people I'm graduating with, which sucks. *sighs* If only my old school could've stayed open...

    I can't wait to go to college though. I'm touring one of the colleges I got accepted into next month, to see if I want to go there or not. I stalk the website daily and the campus is GORGEOUS.


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  9. #23834
    A place where dreams are born Bookgirl2021's Avatar
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    I kind of-sort of have a date tonight.
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  10. #23835
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    That's wonderful BG!

    Have fun!


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  11. #23836
    A place where dreams are born Bookgirl2021's Avatar
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    Well, it's kind of a weird date. There's this dance tonight, and a friend and I are going to it, but he's on the ballroom team, and they're also doing something at it, and so I don't know exactly how it's going to work.....
    "Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." ~Gene Fowler
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  12. #23837
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    Ooh a ballroom team? I didn't know those existed.


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    A Dark Retelling of Snow White

  13. #23838
    A place where dreams are born Bookgirl2021's Avatar
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    Most of the colleges/universities around here (like within 5-6 hours) have them, I know. All of them may, but I'm not sure. This is one of the routines they had my freshman year (it's one of my favorites (at least that I can find online )).
    "Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." ~Gene Fowler
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    Awaking Melody: First round of revisions DONE! 104k

    Mirror Effect: 2K/65K On hold

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  14. #23839
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    Wow. I love ballroom dancing. I think it's beautiful how people can make dance steps look so graceful. I'm the complete opposite of graceful, which is why I don't think I'll ever be able to do any kind of ballroom dancing haha.


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  15. #23840
    Ever onward Horserider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elysium View Post
    I'm trying.

    I hate my new school though and I don't even know the people I'm graduating with, which sucks. *sighs* If only my old school could've stayed open...

    I can't wait to go to college though. I'm touring one of the colleges I got accepted into next month, to see if I want to go there or not. I stalk the website daily and the campus is GORGEOUS.
    So exciting! One of the most important things for me when I chose my college was the fact that when I visited, I felt like I already lived here. Whereas with a couple other colleges I visited, I felt like an outsider.
    | Blog | Twitter |

    I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. ~The Book Thief

    WIPs:

    Weredragon - revisions

    Currently Reading:
    Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan



  16. #23841
    better off with a really good lie Thalia's Avatar
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    Whew, just finished a killer Economics exam.
    “They do sometimes go crazy, these people, because the world is telling them not to want the things they want. It can seem saner to give up--but then one goes insane from giving up.”

    -E. Lockhart, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

  17. #23842
    practical experience, FTW Springs's Avatar
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    I think one of the major deciding factors with what college I was going to go to was the campus. Instead of being packed into a city like a lot of the colleges that I applied to, the one I chose had a sprawling campus that is absolutely beautiful. I'm also a sucker for some of the old-fashioned looking buildings on the older side of campus.

    Oh, and as far as the introductions go, amlptj, I like the first one a lot better. The second one reads a little more awkwardly.
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  18. #23843
    I'm a monster. I'm a saint. Missus Akasha's Avatar
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    I wanted to go to this university in my town that was absolutely gorgeous. It had a very calm, nature-y atmosphere to it. It was a small private college, but I couldn't afford 45,000 dollars a year, which really made me sad because their elementary education degree program was top-notch!

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  19. #23844
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    I got accepted into both a private university and a public one. Though the private one is considerably cheap as far as private colleges go. It's $26,000 a year, room & board is free, laundry is free, plus I really want to go there.


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    A Dark Retelling of Snow White

  20. #23845
    YA romance writer in love with love KarlaErikaCal's Avatar
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    Ally, I agree with Springs. First one is better. The second is awkward because your "author" voice is popping in. Telling the reader about the character instead of showing who they are, like the first one.
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  21. #23846
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    Hey Karla!


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    A Dark Retelling of Snow White

  22. #23847
    YA romance writer in love with love KarlaErikaCal's Avatar
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    Hiya, Ely!

    How's it going?
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  23. #23848
    I have a SNI... But I don't know how to start it. Frustrationnnnnn.

  24. #23849
    believe Elysium's Avatar
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    Karla - Great! I have a four day weekend, and the first semester of school is over and done with. I'm just counting the days until graduation. How are things with you?

    Taylor - Just sit down and write. I didn't know how to start my SNI so I just let my characters do the talking.


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    A Dark Retelling of Snow White

  25. #23850
    But I don't think my characters know what to do, either. :P

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