Teens Writing for Teens, the 5th
- Thread starter It's-Magic!
- Start date
- Status
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
Hey can someone look over my query? I didn't start writing the wip yet, but I just want some feedback and I don't want to post it in QLH just yet.
Sure! Though I'd like to point out that since you haven't started the WIP yet, your query is likely to change several times over the course of actually writing the book and then revisions. 
I am listening to the Suns and Stars playlist because all I've got to do is fill in where I left some notes and then that's Chapter Twelve finished.
Also, I love jelly.
Also, I love jelly.
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
I'm on the fence. You've done a great job setting up the story, touching on the stakes, and making me care about Eliot.
As a query, it's a little long. There's a lot of build-up and then a big jump from Eliot being beaten up every day to Eliot pretending to be some girl's boyfriend. How is that going to help him? Is she paying him? Is Crandall going to use her to make sure he gets his money?
ETA: Nitpick: You can take off 'is available upon request.' It's safe for the agent to assume that if you're querying, the manuscript is available upon request.
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
HR - Yeah the transition between Eliot getting beat up and him pretending to be Sadie's boyfriend is a little weak. He does actually *use* Sadie to get his money and she actually has her reasons for asking him to be her pretend boyfriend.
It's too long? I tried to keep it under 250 words so the whole thing is actually 208 words. Thanks for your critique. I'll keep your questions in mind when I go to rewrite it after I actually finish SS.
It's too long? I tried to keep it under 250 words so the whole thing is actually 208 words. Thanks for your critique. I'll keep your questions in mind when I go to rewrite it after I actually finish SS.
Ahhh okay. I wouldn't worry about length right now. It might have just seemed longer than it was to me because of the four paragraphs and the detail.
I wouldn't worry about length right now. It might have just seemed longer than it was to me because of the four paragraphs and the detail.
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
A song called "The Mess We're In" by PJ Harvey and Thom Yorke and a scene on the ABC Family show Switched at Birth.
@Elysium
I have some comments about the query.
I can see a couple of stages of tension here:
1) He starts gambling, and now owes money to a thug
2) The thug is knocking on his door and beating him up whenever possible
3) The eviction notice comes
There's a sudden drop in tension here though, which can be deadly for a query:
So what goes wrong after the rich girl asks him out?
I have some comments about the query.
I can see a couple of stages of tension here:
1) He starts gambling, and now owes money to a thug
2) The thug is knocking on his door and beating him up whenever possible
3) The eviction notice comes
There's a sudden drop in tension here though, which can be deadly for a query:
It's true. Which poor boy would say no? So what's the tension here? Currently it seems like you gave it all away -- bad things happen, then bam she asks him out and he has his money, and everything is hunky-dory now. I don't think that works for a query - nor is it what you're probably trying to put across, but agents only have the words in front of them to judge by.
So what goes wrong after the rich girl asks him out?
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
Koss - Things definitely don't go well after Sadie asks him to be her fake boyfriend. The story is written from both POVs so at the same time Eliot is using Sadie, Sadie is using Eliot tovget back at her father who she feels is neglecting because he has a new family and he doesn't seem to pay much attention to her. So she acts out doing minor things because she isn't trying to be a bad kid. Eliot comes into the picture when her father hosts a fundraiser and invites all of these other rich, uppity people. Sadie is under the impression that Eliot is a "bad boy" because of the way he looks. So she figures what better way to embarrass her father who is all about keeping up appearances than by bringing a "thug" to the party.
As for Crandall, he isn't really a thug per se. H got mixed up with some bad people who he owes a lot of money to so...yeah.
Thanks for the feeback!
As for Crandall, he isn't really a thug per se. H got mixed up with some bad people who he owes a lot of money to so...yeah.
Thanks for the feeback!
So...in BB, Belle is reading Looking for Alaska. The book was published in 2005. BB takes place in 2003. *sighs* I'm trying to think of another book that I can have her read. I really wanted it to be that one, though.
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
Is the year that your book take place important to your story? If not, then maybe you can change it from 2003 to 2005.
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,339
- Reaction score
- 65
- Location
- New Jersey
- Website
- keagerz.livejournal.com
Haha whoops I fell asleep while working on my story. *goes back to character development* ._.;
Somewhat, 9/11 plays a small roll in a couple characters' backstories and I don't want to go more than a couple years away.
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2009
- Messages
- 6,889
- Reaction score
- 896
Hi, Ari.
What I tend to do in that situation is put some music that fits the story on. or Disney on YouTube. :3 Try it.
What I tend to do in that situation is put some music that fits the story on. or Disney on YouTube. :3 Try it.
I kind of had my heart set on a Green book, but since he doesn't have any that came out prior to 2005, I ended up using Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants instead.
I originally had my YA protagonist reading Harry Potter, but I thought mentioning Harry Potter in the first scene of a book about an abused kid being invited to a special school for magic might be a bit much. 
- Status