If your SO didn't approve...

If my SO objected to my writing, he would no longer be my SO. Luckily, he encourages me (mainly because he has dreams of me making a mint and him being able to retire...lol)

I prefer to think of a relationship as a partnership of equals rather than the man telling me what I can and cannot do. And, no, I'm not a feminist. I just believe in equality and don't buy into the 1950s view of marriage where the little woman waits at the front door with hubby's pipe and slippers.

firedrake said:

If my SO objected to my writing, he would no longer be my SO. Luckily, he encourages me (mainly because he has dreams of me making a mint and him being able to retire...lol)

I prefer to think of a relationship as a partnership of equals rather than the man telling me what I can and cannot do. And, no, I'm not a feminist. I just believe in equality and don't buy into the 1950s view of marriage where the little woman waits at the front door with hubby's pipe and slippers.

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Actually, that is feminist. Wanting equality for both sexes and not wanting to fullfill certain female stereotypes makes you one. Is that a bad thing?

I used to have a friend who'd run to greet her hubby at the front door when he got home from work. Why? She was so into him she couldn't wait to see him. Nothing wrong with that.

He didn't smoke nor wear slippers but she did used to greet him with something special - the sight of her in a thin robe over sexy lingerie.

That's the kind of marriage I'd be down with.

Rhoda Nightingale said:

Actually, that is feminist. Wanting equality for both sexes and not wanting to fullfill certain female stereotypes makes you one. Is that a bad thing?

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Eh. you've got me bang to rights!

I should wake up a bit before I post.

I've been married 15 years.

My husband knows that I write stuff. But he does not know what I write, nor when I'm writing. If I'm typing on the computer I could be posting on a forum or whatever.
If he asks what I'm doing I'll say 'writing something' and flick to a tab with a forum on it.

He is not invited to read anything I write. I do not want his opinion on what I write. I would rather get the opinions of disinterested strangers.

This is the way it works for us.

He does a lot of the housework and cooking and all that anyway. So I suppose that is supportive of me in a general sense.

He likes to carry my library books for me, and that's kind of sweet.

My SO is also a writer and even writes in the same genres I do. I wouldn't have it any other way. Built-in primary beta with mad skillz!

The big danger in a situation like this that one writer might become envious of the other's success. If you can avoid this, the set-up is golden.

SO does read political blogs while I watch Chicken Hoarders Exposed or Tiramisu Wars. However, we can deal with that, because we have the IMPORTANT things in common (like Battlestar Galactica, Dexter, Jane Austen adaptations and Downton Abbey.)

I don't have a SO but if I did and he tried to tell me not to write, I'd get out my big boots and kick him to the curb.

If he didn't approve I'd tell him to GTFO. I support him in what he does, least he could do was support me. Luckily I don't have this problem. My SO is the only one I tell all my ideas to and talk through with him my novel ideas. He even helps a little if I have a brain block. I like to involve him but he says he won't read anything until it's in the final draft and ready to be sent to agents. He likes it that way.

If I had a partner who didn't support me in writing, I'd have to ask myself what I was doing with that person.

firedrake said:

Eh. you've got me bang to rights!

I should wake up a bit before I post.

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No worries. I'm cranky when I wake up, otherwise I might not have said anything at all.

Queen of Swords said:

Complete digression, but I would love to marry a man who could cook! There are about five or six dishes that I can make correctly, not counting sandwiches. When I try others, I just seem to make mistakes.

Like the time I attempted chicken, broccoli and fusilli in a sauce made of cream, white wine and garlic. I couldn't open the bottle of white wine. I kept sawing away at it as the sauce was cooking, and finally got the bottle open as the sauce was done. So I hastily poured a cup and flung it in.

Since that didn't give the alcohol any time to boil away, all I could taste afterwards was the white wine.

Now if I'd had a man around the house, at least he could have opened the damn bottle.

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Mine cooks, f**ks and fixes cars. He also brings me a mug of coffee in the morning.
But I have seen him accidentally shatter a bottle of wine all over the kitchen trying to get the cork out without a corkscrew... Duh...

But with writing, if he liked what I wrote I would think her was only saying it to please me. If he didn't like it I might actually hurt him.
But as he's not much of a reader anyway it's better that he just lets me get on with it.

Queen of Swords said:

I was wondering, though - for anyone here, did you need your SO's encouragement or permission to write? And if your SO wasn't enthusiastic, how did you handle that?

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No.

Even if he did not want me to write write, it wouldn't matter. That would be his problem.

To paraphrase the motion picture Arthur:

"A real woman could stop you from writing, smcc360."

"It'd have to be a real big woman."

scarletpeaches said:

Well with the single woman getting so much agreement from the attached among us, maybe I'm not so mystified as to what a relationship is all about after all.

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It's like being single but with more sex and half as much housework.

Where do I sign up?

My husband neither approves nor disapproves of my writing. He doesn't read my genre, although I have seen him reading my reviews (!) but as he pursues his own interests during his time, I pursue mine.

We have together time during which we talk, shop, work on the house, take care of the details of our lives together, and generally enjoy each others' company. But we have a nice office with 2 computer stations and if he wants to spend hours playing games or designing houses for clients, that's great. I'm right there in the same room, killing off the bad guys and finding out who dunnit, sometimes in another world. And the "TV" room is right next door, so sometimes I'm writing and know he's right there, watching his favorite shows (which I happen to despise, but hey, there's another TV around here somewhere if I want to watch something else...) calm & happy to be in his company even one door away.

Writing has never been an issue. There are times when I wish he was more interested in what I write, but that's what I joined Sisters in Crime for, so it's no big deal. He's very polite when I read aloud to hm.
..

Queen of Swords said:

I have to say, that raised a few of my hackles - "support", in that context, sounded too much like "approval", and there was no indication that this was a reciprocal arrangement. In other words, that he needed her support before he embarked on a hobby or vocation. But I decided not to get involved in what could have been a heated discussion (yeah, surprise, surprise, but it's been a long day and I'm tired).

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This raises my hackles as well, for reasons touched on in an entry I wrote yesterday about being an abuse survivor. I recognize this may be a burden she places on herself versus one put on her by him, but absent context, it definitely makes me uneasy.

If my S.O. demanded I only engage in writing--or other hobbies--with his support, my first step would be to look for his actual body since we'd be looking at a pretty clear-cut "pod person scenario." If that weren't the case, my next step would be to say, "See ya." Perhaps because of my background, I'm extremely sensitive to people telling me what I can and cannot do with my spare time, abilities, etc.

I feel very grateful to have an S.O. that's actually urged me to start getting out there more often. After our son was born, I felt like I had to be close at hand at all times. When a friend asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas a few months ago, I said, "Sure." She said, "Don't you need to ask first?" I said, "Oh, absolutely, I'm just predicting my S.O.'s response will be, 'GO. Have fun!'" (I was absolutely correct on that count, heh. He was thrilled for me!) She was surprised because her husband antagonizes her endlessly for wanting to be part of any endeavor outside of caring for him and their children. Ai ai ai.

I've never needed my husband's permission or approval. He's supportive, but largely disinterested in my writing, which is great for me. (I get angry at people wanting to read over my shoulder as I write, heh) But he's also game for listening to me whinge about whatever, and will give me a shoulder to cry on when a rejection comes in. He holds me up when I want to beat myself down. He'll also kick me in the butt (gently) if he knows I'm screwing off when I mean to be writing. He is not a reader and never will be, but he loves me and wants me to be happy, so he supports my writing without getting in my way.

I couldn't ask for better.

Jamesaritchie said:

Didn't need support, didn't ask for support, didn't care one way or the other.

But at the same time, every relationship is different, and there's nothing at all wrong with placing your spouses wishes and needs higher than your own. It's flat no one else's business how any other couple handles things such as this, and her choice is as right as any other, and, as I said, no one else's business.

Not every relationship is based on what feminists like, want, or believe they should be. I'm head of the house, not my wife, and while I can't think of many things I'd tell her not to do, she can certainly write all she likes, there are areas where I would say no, and it would be no.

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I do agree that it's your own business, definitely. Since you put it out there, though:

It's like an old sitcom! Luuuu-ceee!!!!


My story on this was pitiful and irritating. Way back with my ex, I thought it was unfair to expect support. I was totally independent and would do my own thing no matter what anyone thought, right? I hadn't quite figured out the part about tending to dislike someone who never supports anything you do. Eventually, I figured that out

I'd never make that mistake again. A guy doesn't have to be exceptionally supportive, but he should, say, not steal my premise and make it as a screenplay with a friend of his. Yeah, bad premise, my ass.

backslashbaby said:

A guy doesn't have to be exceptionally supportive, but he should, say, not steal my premise and make it as a screenplay with a friend of his. Yeah, bad premise, my ass.

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:O

This happened to my mom once, as well. It was with a "friend," but that purported friend was out the door fast.

In the original post, it sounds more like approval rather than support, which is ridiculous to me.

My hubs supports my writing because writing makes me happy. A happier me is an easier me to live with.

Jamesaritchie said:

Not every relationship is based on what feminists like, want, or believe they should be. I'm head of the house, not my wife, and while I can't think of many things I'd tell her not to do, she can certainly write all she likes, there are areas where I would say no, and it would be no. There are even areas of writing where I would say no, and it would be no. Fortunately, she wouldn't go into those areas, anyway.

My wife and I tend to have the same beliefs about right and wrong, but if she should want to do something I found immoral or unethical, a financial strain, or something that I believed wouldn't be good for the children, or for the marriage, I'd say no, and that would be that.

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The truth in all cases is "that would be that" only if she chose to allow "that to be that." Careful there, pride comes before a fall.

So saith Wisebat.

The great thing about JAR is that he always stays in character.