How We Met

I met Greenify13 in a bookstore. I followed her and peeked between aisles through rows of books, and there she was looking through "No Starch Pressing for Angel Wings".

I met myself not long ago. I was racing fast to not be late; grabbed my coat, scarf flying behind me, coffee sloshing onto my shoes and floor. I going fast as I could, slipped and tripped right out the door fast and BAM!! Ran right into myself comin' the other way. Imagine that.

The other day I was dressed up in my iLion costume, hiding around the corner and waiting for him to come out so I could scare the crap out of him. Well he came tearing around, bumped into me, spilling coffee all over me.

He paused, looked me over and said, "Hi...umm me, how are you doing?"

I replied, "Terrible, I am actually you from the future, it is vitally important that you begin replying to your own comments on Absolute Write or the entire fabric of space-time could unravel!"

He frowned and nodded thoughtfully before hurrying off about his business.

I met Drachen when I worked at a costume shop. He rented an iLion costume (one of our most popular costumes). Unfortunately, when he returned it, he did NOT get his deposit back. Yes, Drachen, I am sure the costume had a tail when we rented it to you.

I met storygirl when I was about to cross a busy intersection. She was standing in the middle of the street wearing a long ruffled skirt, directing traffic while doing a flamenco dance. People seemed to enjoy her performance, but the cops came and took her away.

I met Nymtoc while I was walking past a Star Trek convention. He was roughly thrown into the street by a balding, skinny man dressed as Kirk, and a 500 pound guy in full Klingon regalia. Apparently they ejected him for being too nerdy.

I first saw DJ when he greeted me at the door of our local Walmart. He had spilled water on his pants (he said), felt it looked too embarrassing, so he'd removed his orange vest and wrapped it around his waist to cover up the "spill", and so people would not think him too odd.

I met iLion while I was protesting the unnecessary sale of spandex to overweight women. We were picketing a 'Big 'n Hefty' spandex emporium when iLion came out and explained very nicely that we were destroying his livelihood, he could lose his job if we kept it up and it was the only work he could find.

One sunny afternoon at the park I noticed DJ running in circles and attacking the ground trying to catch his shadow. He tired himself out and I bought him an ice cream cone while we waited for the cops.

He likes strawberry.

I met PWB at a meeting of the Herb Tea Party. They were demanding that the government abolish all taxes, cease repairing roads and bridges, close all fire departments and police stations, and build a little red schoolhouse in every community. The only curious thing about her was that, while all the other women at the meeting wore long skirts and bonnets, PWB wore a sequined bikini. She told me she had just come from her job and hadn't had time to change.

I met flyingtart while I was working on the fraud squad. She had been arrested for trying to use counterfeit bills to pay for expensive lingerie. Unfortunately we couldn't make the case stick because her lawyer argued that in order to be counterfeit it had to resemble real money, and the Monopoly money she'd used did not count.

I met Drachen when I was a judge in criminal court and he brought a perp in front of me who had used Monopoly money. Drachen wasn't happy with me, but there was nothing I could do to make the charges stick, along with the money, the perp had a 'get out of jail free' card.

Storygirl and I go way back. She was new in town and I did not - at all - appreciate the way she flipped her ponytails. I could tell she thought she was too hot to trot. Not. Anywho - I tripped her outside on the playground one day as the boys were chasing her. She face planted and broke her nose. It all worked out. The kid she liked tripped over her. That's him next to her profile pic. Today I'm Godmother to their 7 kids.

First met PWB when we were casting for "Somewhere in Time". She wanted the role, but since it would have meant travel out of NJ, decided to let 2nd choice Jane Seymour take it.

Flyingtart and I met after the surgery I performed on her. Up till then she was just a nice face that needed permanent cosmetics and a common pair of boobies, which I transformed into great boobies (although they do jiggle a lot more now). Her biggest complaint afterwards was not that I used real jello, but that it was not banana flavored - her favorite.


(*Ok... I admit that was pretty bad. I'll go sit in the timeout room for a while.)

I met iLion when he was in the time out room for insensitive behaviour. When I saw the large box of doughnuts, beer fridge and PS3 he keeps in his time out room I began to wonder if he gets himself thrown in there on purpose.

I met Drachen when I worked at The Donut Shop. He was in such a frenzy when he ordered, I thought he was worried about his taxi fare. Turns out, he was worried about the keg waiting for him in the taxi.


(Needless to say, I'm waiting in the time-out room with iLion, but we have stolen the keg from the taxi, so we will be content to be here for a while.)

I first met czjaba in the parking lot of the railroad station. I got off the train, walked to my car, and caught him humping the GPS antenna on top of the car. He smelled of stale beer and donuts.

Oh my. What a funny story. MlM and I had parked right next to each other at the theatre parking lot. We had the exact same car - year, model, color - everything. It gets so much better. His license plate read qpqpqp96 while mine read pqpqpq69. After a short round of shits and giggles we went out for coffee and discovered we had absolutely nothing else in common.

I was tired of walking my gargoyle on the same old route, so I took a left turn where I'd usually take a right, and ended up in front of the pool hall. Bee came flying out right about then, like someone had given her more than just a shove.

My gargoyle howled and laid an eight-ball right there in the gutter.

"How do," I said.

"Don't ask," she said.

We haven't spoken since, but we think of each other often.

First met flyingtart when I was a door-to-door cosmetic salesman. She took the entire trunk full, then called me early the next morning demanding more... and could I please 'bring a trowel, too?'

I had met iLion before, but this time was the most peculiar. It was during my recent expedition to Antarctica. iLion was living in a tiny hut built of ice and claimed that it was he, not Amundsen, who was the first to reach the South Pole. He even had made a 16-hour movie to prove it, which he had sent to all the film studios, though none had replied. Despite my urging that he return to civilization with me, he said he would never leave until he was given a Nobel Prize, or at least an Oscar.